Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have Allergies

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

 

This post was published on May 12, 2014, and co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since allergies don’t seem to go away, I hope you find it useful.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have Allergies

10 When you have allergies, do not offer to house sit for friends with animals. If you do, the best that will happen is that your sneezing will cause the animals to hide from you. At worst, you may find yourself in the ER on a respirator, trying to remember if you left the front door open.

9 When you have allergies, do not accept an offer to go for a nice ride in the country. If you do, at best, your nice ride will turn into a sneezing nightmare. At worst, your companion will leave you beside the road with your address written on a note pinned to your shirt.

8 When you have allergies, do not eat anything out unless you know the ingredients. If you do, at best, you may have to go home early to get some medicine. At worst, you might cause those around you concern as you begin to swell and turn purple as a reaction.

7 When you have allergies, do not volunteer to drive the hay wagon at the school fundraiser. If you do, at best, you will be the source of too many “bless you’s.” At worst, your sneezing will cause the horses to spook, allowing for a runaway wagon and terrified children and adults.

6 When you have allergies, do not leave home without a spare handkerchief or tissues. If you do, at best, you will need to use anything at hand to cover a sneezing fit. At worst, there will be nothing at hand, and you will cause everyone near you to run away in fear since they will assume you have the bubonic plague.

5 When you have allergies, do not think those who do not have allergies will understand your symptoms. If you do, at best, you may get some concerned looks when the sneezing hits. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the EMS team called by a well-meaning person that you are having an allergy attack.

4 When you have allergies, do not leave your medicine at home even for a short time. If you do, at best, you will get by without any symptoms. At worst, you will find yourself curled in the fetal position, praying to be spared another sneezing attack.

3. When you have allergies, do not think you can go on a picnic in the woods. If you do, at best, you will survive with only sneezing bouts. At worst, you will be stung by some strange insect and find you are slowly losing the ability to raise your arms to get your EPI-Pen.

2. When you have allergies, do not offer to deliver flowers on special holidays, no matter how heavily medicated you are. If you do, at best, you could have a reaction to an unknown flower. At worst, you could deliver only the stems after your sneezing caused all the blooms to fly off the bouquet.

1. When you have allergies and are heavily medicated, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may injure yourself. At worst, you may just take down one wall too many and have a boss who expects you to pay for the damage.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time at the DMV

~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

 

This post ran in 2014 and my last visit to the DMV validated that the information is still useful. My thanks to Marie Ann Bailey who co-authored this post back then.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV

10 When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defibrillator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.

9 When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.

8 When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and then the next person served. You will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.

7 When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony along the lines of number ten.

6 When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.

5 When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.

4 When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.

3 When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.

2 When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pocket.

1 When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling With a Cat

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

 

This post was published in December 2013 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since summer travel time is upon us, maybe there will be some helpful hints here.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling With a Cat

10 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick.  Take it for a short spin first.  Usually, five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double-end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast.  At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak, attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier.  At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee, and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8 When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier, thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out.  At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of doing so directly into your ear.  At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7 When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board a train that you know is non-pet-friendly.  Just because you’ve trained your cat to lie across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled.  One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky.  If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse, and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do.  Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is, at best, annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested.  At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws, and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post.  At best, the conductor’ll simply admonish you to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7).  At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors, a needle, and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you.  While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will.  In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board.  In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint.  At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro, and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan.  At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison, and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that.  Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal.  In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket.  For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship, and what she comes across may just catch her instead.  For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments
Photo by Roger Starnes Sr on Unsplash

 

This list was published by Marie Ann Bailey and me in August 2013. It might be handy if you plan to visit an undeveloped country.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

10.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to bring flip-flops or some such protection for your feet if you choose to stay at quaint inns.  Often, you will find yourself in a long line of other travelers and locals waiting to use the single shower in the multi-story building.  Besides standing in other people’s wet dirt, you may also encounter microscopic critters that tend to linger along the tiled floors and are happy to ride your feet back to your country of origin.

9.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to practice squats several times a day to build up your quadriceps to prepare you for the inevitable pit toilet located in the backyard of the local inn.  Do not assume that you will always have the advantage of something to hang onto while you try to find that happy balance of getting your bum directly over the pit without getting it directly into the pit.

8.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to carry at least two rolls of toilet paper with you.  One roll for the inevitable pit toilets that never have toilet paper anyway, and the other roll for when you do manage to find a private bathroom where you can spend the next several hours wishing you hadn’t drunk that tap water, even though you were outrageously thirsty at the time and nothing else was available.

7.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not drink tap water (see #4).  You may drink anything in a bottle, which means you may be drinking a lot of beer, leading us to the following item on the list.

6.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not allow yourself to be over-served even if you are feeling only mildly inebriated at the time and dining on a full-course meal.  Chances are, some amoebas are lingering on your plate (which was probably washed with tap water) or within the food, and you may eventually find yourself in the predicament of trying to balance your bum over a pit toilet while simultaneously trying not to throw up on your flip-flops.

5.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not expect that everyone will speak English, and you will not have a need to know the local language.  For example, learn to ask “Where is the bathroom?”  If you’ve read this far into the list, you know why you need to know this.

4.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not take a room in a hotel or inn directly across from a church.  After a few days of church bell ringing to announce the time (6 AM, noon, 6 PM), funerals and weddings (often on the same day), you may wind up with a loss of hearing to rival Quasimodo.

3.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to also practice squats several times a day to prepare yourself for the strenuous hikes you may encounter, especially on rainy days when the landscape becomes wet and muddy.  You do not want a team of local boys to have to push on your bum to get you up the steep hill that was supposedly a shortcut to the inn where you’re staying.

2.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, avoid spending the evening with a U.S. expat who grows and smokes his own marijuana.  While it may seem safe at first, you run the risk of your host being a paranoid madman who may at any moment start ranting about the U.S. government and the CIA and the FBI and their collusion with the Peace Corps. You will suddenly be wishing you could slip away during those few all-too-brief moments when your host is not staring at you with wide, bloodshot eyes while sharpening his machete.

1.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, beware of clear liquids served by young children at a roadside stand, especially at night.  Chances are they are not selling lemonade, but instead are selling “firewater.”  The upside is that the firewater may kill all the amoebas that have taken up residence in your stomach.  The downside is you may become too quickly inebriated to appreciate it.

Top Ten Things not to do When Trying to Lose Weight

~ John W. Howell ~ 107 Comments
Photo by Elena Leya on Unsplash

 

Here is the fourth post on the original Top Ten Things Not to Do written by Marie Ann Bailey and me. It was posted in July 2013. I think it might still be helpful.

Top Ten Things not to do When Trying to Lose Weight

10  When trying to lose weight, do not go on a 24-hour fast because it is the “in” diet and then break it with a Chinese buffet binge just because fasting and the sign at the buffet reads, “All you Can Eat Low Cal.”  The rapid transition from empty stomach to a stomach brimming with hot and sour soup, General Tso’s Chicken, spring rolls, crab rangoon, snow peas in garlic sauce, fried rice, and chocolate pudding can be hazardous and explosive.

9  When trying to lose weight, do not mistake the South Beach diet for endless daiquiris and tapas in Florida. If you do, you’ll never get into that sleek little bathing suit and could jeopardize getting into the big ole one-piece as well.

8  When trying to lose weight, do not sign up for your very first triathlon if your only familiarity with exercise is being able to juggle multiple remotes for your TV, DVD player, and sound system.  You want to lose weight, not your life, which you will likely forfeit in the first five minutes of the competition.

7  When trying to lose weight, by all means, purchase a scale for weighing your food so you can be sure of the size of your portions.  Just don’t bring it with you to restaurants; weigh the food served to you.  If you do, at best, your friends will find the activity of watching you trying to weigh a dollop of mashed potatoes rather boring.  At worst, your food will be unappetizing after the weighing.

6  When trying to lose weight, do not buy spandex for casual wear EVER!  No explanation is necessary.

5  When trying to lose weight, do not try to curb your appetite with bottomless cups of coffee, bottles of diet pills, or any other substance.  These have less to do with suppressing appetite and much more to do with making you so hyper that you never sleep, ironically giving you more hours to eat.

4  When trying to lose weight, do not take diet pills that promise to block your absorption of fat (e.g., Alli).  Yes, they do work, but they work at all the wrong moments–in the middle of a business meeting, during a long commute, or while sitting in the window seat of an airplane with Chris Christie next to you.

3  When trying to lose weight, do not hire a trainer who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s poor cousin, whose sales pitch is “I want to pump you up!”  What you might get “pumped up” with may not be legal.

2  When trying to lose weight, do not take up colon cleansing.  As with most of the items on this list, the result of too much of a good thing can result in frequent and expensive calls to your plumber.

1  Finally, when trying to lose weight, take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself which is more important:  fitting into those skinny jeans you wore in high school or feeling strong, healthy, and happy, even if you are a little soft around the edges.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments
Photo by Matthew Essman on Unsplash
I was able to go back into the archives and found the third installment of Top Ten Things Not to Do authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me.  This one was from July 2013. Since we are coming into the wedding season, I hope you enjoy these. You will note, in the beginning, the lists were straightforward.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

10 If you are in the wedding party, do not take off your clothes, no matter what the circumstances may dictate or what you think the circumstances are dictating.

9  If you are not in the wedding party, see number 10.

8  If you are the best man or maid of honor, do not cry when you describe your love for the bride or groom in your toast, and eliminate the word “amazing” from your speech.

7  Do not try to set an all-time personal record in the number and kinds of drinks you intake simply because they are free.

6  If you do set an all-time personal record of kind and number of drinks, do not ask the bride or groom for a kiss or worse, for a date. (Same goes for the best man and maid of honor.)

5  If you are not in the wedding party, do not offer a toast even if several of your friends are clapping and saying your name, followed by the chant “toast, toast, toast.”

4  If you brought a wedding gift to the reception, do not take it home, no matter what.

3  Do not pretend to be someone else or use a made-up name when you are introduced to others, even if you may never see these people again, and you think it is so funny.

2  If you came with a date to the wedding, do not go home with someone else.

1. When you leave the reception, do not thank the bride and groom’s parents with a big juicy kiss

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

 

This post was run in November of 2013 and is co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey. Since summer travel is right around the corner, I think it has some merit.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

10  If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.

9  While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.

8  If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.

7   If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.

6   If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.

5  When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.

4  When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.

3  When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.

2   When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)

1  When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

This post was published in November of 2013 by me and Marie Ann Bailey. Since the summer camping season is coming up, it may be handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

10.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet tissue for your stay.  If you do forget, at best, you’ll enjoy not having the extra weight. At worst, the pleasure of the lightness of the backpack will soon give way to panic after you’ve overeaten on the wrong kind of berries.

9.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent, thinking it will be more protected from the elements there.  If you do, at best, only a coterie of raccoons will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes at midnight. At worst, a hungry bear will think your leg looks more delicious than the smell of the beef jerky in the pack that you are using as a pillow.

8.  If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of your camping area.  If you forget, at best, Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite, and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst, the Google map didn’t warn you about the five-hundred-foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below. Calling for help seems futile at this point.

7.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters.  No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister.  Without band-Aids, at best, you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst, you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.

6.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water.  The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best, you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst, you might be the talked-about guest of the local ER.

5.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun, thinking it will protect against any wild animals you may encounter.  If you do, at best,  it isn’t hunting season, and you have no right to shoot anything. At worst, you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.

4.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellent.  If you do, at best, the mud in the swamp applied liberally can ward off mosquitoes. At worst, all your hiking friends have left since the swam mud scent keeps triggering their gag reflex.

3.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160.  If you do, at best, you’ll have the band-aids handy. At worst, your feet will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.

2.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across.  If you do, at best, the bear is orphaned. At worst, the bear cub is not orphaned, and its mama is within smelling distance of you. Now, you find yourself trying to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands. Best drop the cub and run.

1.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to take out what you pack in.  If you do forget, at best, a friendly ranger will remind you. At worst, you might find yourself in a situation like a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments
Photo by Trnava University on Unsplash

 

This list was published on October 21, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all go to the library, I hope it will be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

10  When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. If you do, at best, few, if any, people browse those stacks. At worst,  at least one lonely doctoral student will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing you great distress.

9  When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant.  If you do, at best, no one will catch you. At worst, the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd to where you are hiding, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if you’re gone, you.

8  When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will point you to animal husbandry stacks.  At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.

7  When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons.  If you do, at best, sound carries, and the librarian will shush you.  At worst, you may get to finish your call before they find you, but it could be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are finished with you and possibly your firstborn.

6  When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters.  If you do, at best, they won’t call Child Protective Services. At worst, they will be so tired of breaking up squabbles, assisting your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chasing after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning that the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.

5   When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section to play games that were unavailable when you were a kid.  If you do, at best, the children will sulkily go away to another room.  At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow, and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps.

4  When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating.  If you are caught by a librarian,  at best, you will likely have to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance. At worst, an embarrassing request for a date.

3  When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary.  It would only be a matter of time before the librarians figure out that you are returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest.  Once you’re found out, at best, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection. At worst, you’ll be required to rewind every cassette with a pencil and videotape with an old VCR that keeps blowing a fuse.

2  When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations.  Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties, love the warmth of your shoes, and they seem to hold a lot.)  At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door.  At worst, you will be forced to clean every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and sneeze.

1  When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few, and then just walk away.  It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern for the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians.  At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books.  At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it in the company of the convicted felon doing community service.