Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Roger Starnes Sr on Unsplash

 

This list was published by Marie Ann Bailey and me in August 2013. It might be handy if you plan to visit an undeveloped country.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

10.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to bring flip-flops or some such protection for your feet if you choose to stay at quaint inns.  Often, you will find yourself in a long line of other travelers and locals waiting to use the single shower in the multi-story building.  Besides standing in other people’s wet dirt, you may also encounter microscopic critters that tend to linger along the tiled floors and are happy to ride your feet back to your country of origin.

9.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to practice squats several times a day to build up your quadriceps to prepare you for the inevitable pit toilet located in the backyard of the local inn.  Do not assume that you will always have the advantage of something to hang onto while you try to find that happy balance of getting your bum directly over the pit without getting it directly into the pit.

8.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to carry at least two rolls of toilet paper with you.  One roll for the inevitable pit toilets that never have toilet paper anyway, and the other roll for when you do manage to find a private bathroom where you can spend the next several hours wishing you hadn’t drunk that tap water, even though you were outrageously thirsty at the time and nothing else was available.

7.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not drink tap water (see #4).  You may drink anything in a bottle, which means you may be drinking a lot of beer, leading us to the following item on the list.

6.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not allow yourself to be over-served even if you are feeling only mildly inebriated at the time and dining on a full-course meal.  Chances are, some amoebas are lingering on your plate (which was probably washed with tap water) or within the food, and you may eventually find yourself in the predicament of trying to balance your bum over a pit toilet while simultaneously trying not to throw up on your flip-flops.

5.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not expect that everyone will speak English, and you will not have a need to know the local language.  For example, learn to ask “Where is the bathroom?”  If you’ve read this far into the list, you know why you need to know this.

4.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not take a room in a hotel or inn directly across from a church.  After a few days of church bell ringing to announce the time (6 AM, noon, 6 PM), funerals and weddings (often on the same day), you may wind up with a loss of hearing to rival Quasimodo.

3.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to also practice squats several times a day to prepare yourself for the strenuous hikes you may encounter, especially on rainy days when the landscape becomes wet and muddy.  You do not want a team of local boys to have to push on your bum to get you up the steep hill that was supposedly a shortcut to the inn where you’re staying.

2.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, avoid spending the evening with a U.S. expat who grows and smokes his own marijuana.  While it may seem safe at first, you run the risk of your host being a paranoid madman who may at any moment start ranting about the U.S. government and the CIA and the FBI and their collusion with the Peace Corps. You will suddenly be wishing you could slip away during those few all-too-brief moments when your host is not staring at you with wide, bloodshot eyes while sharpening his machete.

1.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, beware of clear liquids served by young children at a roadside stand, especially at night.  Chances are they are not selling lemonade, but instead are selling “firewater.”  The upside is that the firewater may kill all the amoebas that have taken up residence in your stomach.  The downside is you may become too quickly inebriated to appreciate it.

88 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country”

  8. Of course I am laughing at these items. Doing this type of travel is not even on my top 1,000 list. Plenty to see in the USA. A certain person comes to mind as I read #10-5. Hopefully the Big Tuna reads this today. Of course I’m in the same predicament. I doubt I could squat over a stinky hole.

    I’ll stick with room service type hotels but thanks for the tips in case I get done with 999 other things.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Fortunately, as a result of extensive multitasking training, unlike Mr. Ok, I can still squat unaided. Also, it is always important to never leave home without your Squatty Potty.🐳

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh boy, John, you still have that “steel trap” memory… that goes way back, my friend. No wonder you’re my hero!

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I feel its my obligation as your loyal friend to educate you on the the benefits of SP.

    Confirms Squatty Potties Help You Poop

    The so-called “life changing” product is legit. BY MELISSA MATTHEWSPUBLISHED: JAN 16, 2019 9:39 AM ESTbookmarksSAVE ARTICLE

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It’s been a long while since I’ve traveled in an underdeveloped country, but I remember the cautions and the challenges well. Great list, John. 🌞

    Liked by 1 person

  19. May I say that you discourage me from even contemplating or possibly thinking of visiting the countryside of an underdeveloped country?

    Apologies if this posted twice, I was apparently not logged in (false) and my comment disappeared immediately!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. We’ve traveled in a lot of underdeveloped countries, John, and only nos. 1 and 4 have we not encountered. The most amazing ‘pit’ we ever used was a hole in the floor of a moving train – with a slippery floor and no TP.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. You could almost experience that in parts of this country. We were driving through West Texas in the 1970s or 80s. There were dozens of road signs for this one rest area. It had a picnic table, but no portapotty or even a cactus to squat behind. I was not happy.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Spoken like a man with the benefit of picnic equipment. Unless you are wearing a skirt and no undies, you have to make sure you don’t accidentally wet your clothing.

        Liked by 1 person

        2. I prefer not to have to dress like a Handmaiden or some other captive female just to be able to easily pee in West Texas. If we were in Utah, I might be mistaken for a polygamous Sisterwife.

          Liked by 1 person

  23. Yipes! I can’t say I’ve ever visited an underdeveloped country, but your list is highly entertaining.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. So I don’t really think Imma be spending any time in these places but . . you never know. And now I have the list. TP, beer and flip flops. A first-aid kit just in case. And beer. I realize I said beer already, but it bears repeating.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I notice squats make it to 3 and 9. Perhaps deservedly so. But this post is 12 years old and the world has moved on. Rumour has it that the developed world has recently discovered squats as the magical new fitness mantra. What happens next? Nike and Adidas launch a range of squat mats and squat shoes and squat leggings with adjustable apertures so that you can squat comfortably 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

Comments are closed.