Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing a Novel

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments
Photo by Kaitlyn Baker on Unsplash

 

This post was published on February 3, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all are still writing, this may contain some good advice.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Novel

10  When writing a novel, do not try to explain what you are doing to anyone. If you do, at best, they will walk away shaking their head.  At worst, you might find yourself receiving an intervention by well-meaning friends and family that you didn’t know was being filmed until you saw it on Dr. Phil.

9  When writing a novel, do not assume everyone is waiting for it to be finished. If you do, at best, you may get used to the sound of crickets when it’s done.  At worst, people might start avoiding you on purpose without trying to hide that they are.

8  When writing a novel, do not ask your spouse to read parts and provide an opinion on how they like it.  If you do, at best, you might end up in an argument over whether you really only used your imagination in writing those sex scenes.  At worst, you both might end up paying a lot of money to a divorce lawyer.

7  When writing a novel, do not ask your children to be quiet while you write. If you do, at best, they will make even more noise, and you will have to find a way to soundproof your room. At worst, you might just be investigated by child protective services at the request of neighbors tired of the screaming and crying (mainly from you).

6  When writing a novel, do not think you need a rest by playing a video game or knitting a sweater sleeve. If you do, at best, you’ll lose your focus on your plot. At worst, you will finish the sweater and reach the god level in the game but never finish the book.

5  When writing a novel, do not try to decide whether you should plan the book or just write it. If you do, at best, you may get stalled on starting the novel and have to adjust your publication deadline. At worst, you may end up having an argument with yourself and end up not on speaking terms, which would totally blow your deadline.

4  When writing a novel, do not keep your own counsel on word usage or grammar. If you do, at best, you may get lucky and have only a few mistakes. At worst, you will need to leave town and change your name to avoid the laughter from your peers.

3  When writing a novel, do not do your own editing. If you do, at best, you may be surprised by the number of problems in your book.  At worst, you may want to book a trip to a country with no extradition treaty with the US.

2  When writing a novel, do not avoid rich characterizations. If you do, at best, you will have a book filled with pounds of boring material that not even you will want to read. At worst, you will need to find a decent disguise when meeting other authors and readers to avoid being called out by your characterizations of them.

1   When writing a novel, do not skimp on the plot, thinking your literary style will pull you through. If you do, at best, you might have a book you love but no one else does.  At worst, you might win the Worst Literary Book of the Year Award in recognition of your achievement.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

 

This post was originally published on February 24, 2014. It was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all write reviews (or should), I think it will still be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

10  When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review.  If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis, and your efforts will be wasted.  At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book.  It was really good.”  Readers want to know what you liked about the book.  If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored.  At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it.  It was a waste of time.”  If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it.  If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book.  At worst, readers will take exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7 When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers.  If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you.  At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law, Tiny.

6  When writing a book review, do not think suggesting the author quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment is funny.  If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you.  At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5  When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in your review.  If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about.  At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because you essentially duplicated the book in your review in your zeal to show your editorial prowess.

4  When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer.  If you do, at best, readers might be impressed but still wonder about your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours.  At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds, and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3  When writing a book review, do not think that just reading a book’s first and last chapter is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review.  If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when, in fact, the book is about zombies, and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2  When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing.  At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you think she actually lives a life of romance and danger.  At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he must have experience as a serial killer.  In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel with you as the victim.

1  When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews.  Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be.  At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web. Eventually, you’ll tire of the negativity, change your Gravatar, and start writing constructive reviews.  At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used and all your email addresses, blogs, and previous book reviews. You will never escape them, making your experience a riveting plot for a dystopian novel. (Whew)

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments
Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

 

This post was originally published on February 17, 2014 by Marie Bailey and me. Since this year’s income tax deadline is fast approaching, I thought it would be good to review.

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best, you may miss a couple of deductions.  At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9.  While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best, you could tip it over and ruin a few papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8.  While doing your taxes, do not allow your dog to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best, you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment

7.  While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best, some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6.  While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best, you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst, you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more than you had planned.

5.  While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best, you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4.  While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best, the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.

3.  While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best, the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has as the gavel falls on the final auction of your house.

2.  While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best, you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1.  While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best, you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get all your living expenses paid, but may have a roommate who wants to go steady.

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do at a Little League Game

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments
Pixabay photo

 

Since spring is almost here and baseball will be starting soon, I thought it would be a good idea to go back to 2013 and revisit a post co-written by Marie Bailey and me. For those of you in little league, this may be useful. Hopefully, there will be a few laughs for the rest of us. I announced yesterday that I will be off-line from March 12 to the 19th. Tempeste and Twiggy will be back on March 20th.

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Top Ten Things Not To Do at a Little League Game

10.  When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in.  If you do at best, your advice will fall on deaf ears. At worst, that big assistant coach with the ball bat is heading your way.

9.  When at a little league game, do not call out penalties as if you were the referee. If you do at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team have plans to meet you after the game.

8.  When at a little league game, do not think you can place bets on the outcomes. If you do at best, all the action will be low-key. At worst, parents of the kids you bet against will find out and toss you out of the game and split your winnings.

7.  When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school. If you do at best, you won’t rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench. At worst, your kids will fumble a play from sheer embarrassment,  and you’ll have to find your own way home.

6.  When at a little league game, do not show up toting your own keg of beer.  If you do at best, everyone will think you are a hero. At worst, the county liquor control board has seized your beer and provided you with a drafty place to spend the night.

5.  When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid. If you do at best, your kid will be too busy playing the game and ignore you. At worst, you’ll not be warned that the ball just tossed is headed straight for a spot that will hurt.

4.  When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smartphone when you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates.  If you do at best, you can continue uninterrupted. At worst, several parents ask if they can have a copy of your video, and in the moment, with no excuse, you drop your phone into a water bucket.

3.  When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream. If you do at best, they will all be lactose intolerant and forbidden to go. At worst, they all take you up on your offer and find that you forgot your wallet after ordering.

2.  When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game.  If you do at best, someone will stop you. At worst you’ll wind up dislocating your hips,  and your kids will never speak to you again.

1.  When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team. If you do at best, the crowd noise will drown you out. At worst, when their parents come to silence you, no one will stand in their way because yelling at kids is just wrong.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Commuting to Work by Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments
Photo by RayBay on Unsplash

 

This post, co-authored by Marie Bailey, ran on November 6, 2013. Since people still commute to work, it should be relevant.

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Top Ten Things Not to do When Commuting to Work by Car

10  When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara or use an electric razor  while driving. If you do, at best, you’ll have smudges or missed spots. At worse, you might wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye or a long shave up the side of the head as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you. (Good luck at the meeting.)

9  When commuting to work by car don’t drive like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.  If you do, at best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection. At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early and being on display for all the folks you passed.

8  When commuting to work by car, try not to listen to state or national news on your radio.  If you do listen, at best, you will need to breath deeply. At worst, your fellow commuters will call the local police thinking all those expletives were signs of a nervous breakdown. (Sitting in the back of a police care sure makes those news stories seem insignificant don’t they?)

7  When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rear view mirror.  If you do, at best, the driver ahead makes no sudden stops. At worst, they quickly step on the brake and cause you to rear-end them.   (Don’t even try to argue the point of who’s fault this accident is. You know it’s yours.)

6  When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time.  If you do, at best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth.  At worst, the coffee you start to sip will wind up all over your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you. (Seemed like a good idea while in the drive through.)

5   When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light.  If you can’t avoid the temptation, At best, no one will see you. At worst, the other commuters viewing your activities will be attending customer meeting that you have scheduled that morning. (Too bad you grossed out your important customers)

4  When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish reading the last chapter of  the book you can’t put down.  If you do, at best, you are fully aware of surrounding traffic.  At worst, you’ll never get to finish the book because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (How were you to know it was on his TBR list?)

3  When commuting to work by car, do not think there will be no traffic when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company.  If you do, at best, you make all the lights. At worse, the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute. (Your commute time is double and your chances of being fired triple)

2  When commuting to work by car, do check your text messages before you get to your office.  At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs.  At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.

1. When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior.  If you do, at best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst,  bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you.  (Be mindful.  Be aware.  Drive safely)

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore

~ John W. Howell ~ 110 Comments
Photo by Pauline Loroy on Unsplash

This post was published on January 4, 2016. Since we all go to bookstores, it may be helpful.

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This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on bookstore visits. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore

10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best, you will tip off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot. (That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)

9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to avoid the discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book, right?)

8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies or bunny feet onesie, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (Before that, the store seemed just like home, didn’t it?)

7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best, the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the best-selling author of the title, “Fear No One: Bare Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands, doesn’t he?)

6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best, you may be taken for a homeless person in need of an offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean by a phone call?)

5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best, you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)

4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best, store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold its breath, hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera. (You know Erotica is a genre, right? No need to sneak.)

3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best, the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow, that was embarrassing)

2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price of the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best, the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager, who will make a note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all, this place is not a flea market)

1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best, you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel have your number; you might want to take the hint. (After three days, fish and guests start to smell alike)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

~ John W. Howell ~ 92 Comments

This idea was initially posted in December 2017. At the time, it was because it snowed in South Texas for the first time in many years. With the latest Arctic cold front moving lower in the US, there are forecasts of snow in the South once again. So here is a revised list of what not to do in the snow in the South.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

10 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive to the store. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a ditch. At worst, your erratic driving may cause a pile-up on the beach road, which won’t clear till spring. (Twenty miles an hour was a bit too fast for conditions, huh, Cyrek?)

9. If you live in the South and it snows, do not throw snowballs at strangers. If you do, at best, you’ll hit one, and they will laugh. At worst, you will hit Tiny, the WWF champ, right after he left his respect support group meeting. (It looks like Tiny took the snowball in the face as a sign of disrespect. I think you should begin running now, Cyril.)

8 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can wear flip-flops as usual. If you do, at best, your feet will turn blue. At worst, you will find your condition being discussed by a group of interns at the local ER. (Do the words frostbite and amputation bother you, Cyrano?)

7 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think the rest of the world wants to hear about it. If you do, at best, you’ll get a lot of disconnects. At worst, you’ll describe the beauty and unusual snow to your cousin in Fargo, North Dakota, who hasn’t been out of the house for six weeks due to the snow. (Wonder why he’s calling you all those names? It’s cabin fever, Cyan.)

6 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you have to rush to the store to clean the shelves of bread, milk, water, and bathroom tissue. If you do, at best, you’ll get the moniker of the village idiot. At worst, you will be just checking out when you notice the snow has all melted, making your hour trip to the store and your massive horde unnecessary. (Did you check the weather report, Crespin? Why are those people pointing and laughing?)

5 If you live in the South and it snows, do not demand your 7:00 am tee time. If you do, at best, the pro will not let you play. At worst, you’ll set the course record for the most lost balls and the highest score. (White on white is a difficult thing to see. Right, Courtney. When you do see them, frozen shots don’t go that far, do they?)

4 If you are in the South and it snows, do not continue with your plans for a beach party. If you do, at best, everyone will stay home. At worst, those that do come will end up not at the beach but in your house. (Ever try to roast hot dogs and do smores in the fireplace, Corwin?)

3 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive without cleaning your windshield and rear window glass. If you do, at best, the snow might blow off. At worst, you won’t be able to see well and might hit someone. (The policeman you ran into is lecturing you loudly about how dangerous it is to drive without being able to see while he is writing the ticket. He is about finished, Conell.)

2 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you have to plan a dinner like you live in the Antarctic. If you do, at best, the snow will leave before you start cooking. At worst, you’ll serve the Hoosh, Pemmican, Sledging biscuits, Marmite, and hot coffee meal as the temperature reaches seventy degrees. (I never saw folks sweat so much while they ate, did you, Cnute?)

1. If you are in the South and it snows, Do not think you can wait to make a snowman. If you do, at best, there will be a little snow left to work. At worst, you and the kids will be all bundled up, only to find nothing but water. (It’s Hard to make a water person, isn’t it, Clifton?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

 

Photo by Alysa Bajenaru on Unsplash

This post was written on December 29th, 2015. Since we are facing another New Year’s Eve, I thought it was worth repeating. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for alcohol consumption. If you do, at best, your evening will close early. At worst, New Year’s Day will represent your personal purgatory, just begging for relief. (Getting off your knees might be the first step to redemption)

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best, you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to be among one of the many failures for the year. (Now you need to be talked down off the ledge)

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your goodwill to humankind feeling leftover from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone you meet. If you do, at best, most will try to dodge your advances. At worst, there will be one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life. (Now you have someone stalking you for months despite the restraining order)

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best, your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (Yes, it is two in the morning, and that’s you calling trains into the ceramic microphone)

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best, you will still draw the same looks you got for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who think you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine. (Better find some kibble fast)

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best, your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to Everclear and, if not an allergy, certainly a diminished capability for strong drink. (hint: green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best, you may have selected a place that has some negative memories. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best destination. (It might be the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other)

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, you could cause a significant upset to the person you are ordinarily ambivalent about. (How was that first dose of pepper spray?)

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best, some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise, and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. (Oh, though you would like to know, the video on U Tube has gone viral)

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you must stay up past a reasonable hour to see in the New Year. If you do, at best, the next day’s activities will be a challenge. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle, not to mention nodding off at your mother-in-law’s New Year’s Day family gathering. (The pool of drool on the damask fabric of the antique couch will be your mark forever)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments
1933 Eagles

This post was first run on November 11, 2018. From a historical perspective, I thought you would enjoy it since we are all now surrounded by Sunday American Football

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

10 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit next to your parish priest unless you have been to church. If you do, at best, you can take confession right there. At worst, you will be invited to a special service titled Miscreants of the Week. ( Of all the seats in the stadium, you had to pick this one, Farzad.)

9 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not forget to tip Tiny, the WWF Champ and now stadium vendor, for your hot dog. If you do, at best, that mustard stain on your back will come out. At worst, Tiny, who believes tips are a showing of love, will think you hate him. (The time to vacate your seat is now, Fedele. That large tray of hot dogs will not rest well when Tiny lets it go in your direction.)

8 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not try to eat a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and cheer for your team at the same time. If you do, At best, the guy in front of you is wearing a raincoat. At worst, your expelled cheesesteak bite goes down the collar of the police chief in the row in front of you. (I don’t think you can explain this as an accident, Felicien. Good luck on your first night in jail)

7 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not cause yourself to be over-celebrating on your carry-in hooch just because the blue laws in Pennsylvania allowed Sunday sports. If you do, at best, you’ll find someone to take you home. At worst, you will need an ironclad excuse for spending the night in the bleachers. (Gotta wonder why none of the cleaning crew found you, huh, Fenris.)

6 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit in the Chicago section wearing your Eagles jersey. If you do, at best, the fans around you think you have a mental condition. At worst, as the game progresses, someone may get the idea to remove you by crowd-surfing you over the lip of the Baker Bowl stadium. (It is a long fall from the top to the parking lot, Ferke. Flapping your arms may help a little.)

5 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not think you don’t have to pay off your bet because the score was tied at 3 and 3. If you do, at best, the bookie considers your bet too small to collect. At worst, your bookie is the kind who believes any no-pay is a matter of honor. ( Those cement overshoes are styling, Fidal. They might prove to hamper treading water, though.)

4 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not blow your large and loud horn to cheer on your team. If you do, at best, you’ll be sitting alone. At worst, your fellow participants will tire of losing their hats, hair, and hearing and will stuff your horn where the sun don’t shine. (I know I’m surprised as well, Finnbar. I think that high-decibel honk is terrific. It might be better on a MAC truck, though.)

3 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not ask your neighbor to share their popcorn. If you do, at best, the corn will be gone. At worst, your neighbor has just been diagnosed with the flu and is happy to share. (Don’t worry, Fionn. In the 30s, the flu only took maybe half of those diagnosed. Oh, look, a guy in a black hoodie carrying a scythe. I don’t see any hay that needs cutting, do you?)

2 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not run out and attempt to ring the Liberty Bell to count the first field goal points. If you do, at best, the Liberty Bell Center in Independence National Historic Park will be closed on Sunday. At worst, your attempt at goodwill has been seen as a terrorist act. (You’ve earned yourself a nice cozy room in Guantanamo, Firmann. I have no idea why it is so dark there.)

1 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not dispute how the Eagles got their name. If you do, at best, there was no money on the fact that they got their name from the Blue Eagle, which was a symbol of economic recovery during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. At worst, you need to walk home since you put your car up to back your bet that the Eagles were named after the great American Bald Eagle. (You could have been right, too, Flanagan. You might try putting your thumb out. Maybe some hapless fool will give you a lift.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Mayflower

This post ran on December 10, 2018. Since the anniversary of the Pilgrims’ arrival is approaching, I thought preparing would be a good idea.

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The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. If you were there, here is a list to help you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

10 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not suggest a beach party once reaching land. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, there will be a realization on the part of the elders that you are possessed. ( You might as well confess, Gabriele. They won’t stop the water board treatment until you do. Of course, confession may lead to an old-fashioned stake burning. Tough decision.)

9 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to beat Tiny, the WWF champ, to a long boat. If you do, at best, you’ll trip and miss your chance. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the boat sitting next to Tiny, and he doesn’t look happy. (You’ll soon learn, Gadiel, that Tiny promised his mom that he would be the first to get into the boat and onto land. Now that he has missed his number one promise, it looks like you are about to be tossed overboard. If so, give that anchor he gave you to hold back to Tiny before you go.)

8 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start telling everyone about planting a fish with the corn. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of town. At worst, since it is December and the ground is frozen solid, you might be taken for crazy. (Of course, you meant in the spring, Gair. The guys with that ball and chain could care less.)

7 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not mention anything about a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. If you do, at best, you’ll have to go hunting. At worst, the elders will quiz you closely about why you are thankful. It is cold, wet, and miserable. ( Now that they mention it, Galchobhar, you may have tipped your hand about time travel. This can only lead to the thought that you are a devil. That thought never gets anyone anything.)

6 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start talking about forming a football team named the Pilgrim Patriots. If you do, at best, no one ever heard of football. At worst, you will immediately be accused of rule violations and forever curse the team to public scorn. (So there is where all this New England Patriot controversy comes from, Galterieo. Might as well label it Pilgrimgate.)

5 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not wear your “I love Pope Paul V” sweatshirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice it under your black tunic. At worst, William Brewster will catch a glimpse and reach an apocalyptic state of the highest order. (Good thing you were able to talk your way out of that one, Galvyn. I’m not sure anything Catholic would be welcome here.)

4 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not make jokes about the native tribe called Wampanoags. If you do, at best, the Native Americans will not hear you. At worst, Massasoit, their leader, will take offense. ( Now we have another fine kettle of fish, Ganesh. The pilgrims need Indian assistance, and the leader is mad at you. Guess who will be eliminated in this standoff?)

3 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to convince people to dig up clams for food. If you do, at best, most will simply say, “No, thank you.” At worst, you will be declared a food crank and banished. (You have to remember, Garbhach, that the idea of digging up something in the water and then eating it is not what most people think is normal.)

2 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not insist on building a split-level ranch home with a bay view. If you do, at best, you’ll have to do it alone. At worst, the leadership will put you at the bottom of the priority list. (Nice move, Gared. You’ll be in this lean-to for another year at best.)

1 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not discuss your recipe for the perfect margarita with anyone. If you do, at best, someone will report you. At worst, you’ll be asked to prepare a batch, and there is no tequila or limes anywhere. (How do these stocks feel, Garred? You only have thirty days to go.)