I was able to go back into the archives and found the third installment of Top Ten Things Not to Do authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. This one was from July 2013. Since we are coming into the wedding season, I hope you enjoy these. You will note, in the beginning, the lists were straightforward.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding
10 If you are in the wedding party, do not take off your clothes, no matter what the circumstances may dictate or what you think the circumstances are dictating.
9 If you are not in the wedding party, see number 10.
8 If you are the best man or maid of honor, do not cry when you describe your love for the bride or groom in your toast, and eliminate the word “amazing” from your speech.
7 Do not try to set an all-time personal record in the number and kinds of drinks you intake simply because they are free.
6 If you do set an all-time personal record of kind and number of drinks, do not ask the bride or groom for a kiss or worse, for a date. (Same goes for the best man and maid of honor.)
5 If you are not in the wedding party, do not offer a toast even if several of your friends are clapping and saying your name, followed by the chant “toast, toast, toast.”
4 If you brought a wedding gift to the reception, do not take it home, no matter what.
3 Do not pretend to be someone else or use a made-up name when you are introduced to others, even if you may never see these people again, and you think it is so funny.
2 If you came with a date to the wedding, do not go home with someone else.
1. When you leave the reception, do not thank the bride and groom’s parents with a big juicy kiss
This post was run in November of 2013 and is co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey. Since summer travel is right around the corner, I think it has some merit.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling
10 If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.
9 While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.
8 If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.
7 If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.
6 If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.
5 When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.
4 When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.
3 When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.
2 When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)
1 When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.
This post was published in November of 2013 by me and Marie Ann Bailey. Since the summer camping season is coming up, it may be handy.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite
10. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet tissue for your stay. If you do forget, at best, you’ll enjoy not having the extra weight. At worst, the pleasure of the lightness of the backpack will soon give way to panic after you’ve overeaten on the wrong kind of berries.
9. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent, thinking it will be more protected from the elements there. If you do, at best, only a coterie of raccoons will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes at midnight. At worst, a hungry bear will think your leg looks more delicious than the smell of the beef jerky in the pack that you are using as a pillow.
8. If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of your camping area. If you forget, at best, Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite, and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst, the Google map didn’t warn you about the five-hundred-foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below. Calling for help seems futile at this point.
7. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters. No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister. Without band-Aids, at best, you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst, you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.
6. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water. The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best, you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst, you might be the talked-about guest of the local ER.
5. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun, thinking it will protect against any wild animals you may encounter. If you do, at best, it isn’t hunting season, and you have no right to shoot anything. At worst, you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.
4. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellent. If you do, at best, the mud in the swamp applied liberally can ward off mosquitoes. At worst, all your hiking friends have left since the swam mud scent keeps triggering their gag reflex.
3. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160. If you do, at best, you’ll have the band-aids handy. At worst, your feet will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.
2. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across. If you do, at best, the bear is orphaned. At worst, the bear cub is not orphaned, and its mama is within smelling distance of you. Now, you find yourself trying to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands. Best drop the cub and run.
1. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to take out what you pack in. If you do forget, at best, a friendly ranger will remind you. At worst, you might find yourself in a situation like a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.
This list was published on October 21, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all go to the library, I hope it will be helpful.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library
10 When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. If you do, at best, few, if any, people browse those stacks. At worst, at least one lonely doctoral student will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing you great distress.
9 When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, no one will catch you. At worst, the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd to where you are hiding, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if you’re gone, you.
8 When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will point you to animal husbandry stacks. At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
7 When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons. If you do, at best, sound carries, and the librarian will shush you. At worst, you may get to finish your call before they find you, but it could be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are finished with you and possibly your firstborn.
6 When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters. If you do, at best, they won’t call Child Protective Services. At worst, they will be so tired of breaking up squabbles, assisting your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chasing after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning that the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
5 When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section to play games that were unavailable when you were a kid. If you do, at best, the children will sulkily go away to another room. At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow, and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps.
4 When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating. If you are caught by a librarian, at best, you will likely have to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance. At worst, an embarrassing request for a date.
3 When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary. It would only be a matter of time before the librarians figure out that you are returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest. Once you’re found out, at best, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection. At worst, you’ll be required to rewind every cassette with a pencil and videotape with an old VCR that keeps blowing a fuse.
2 When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations. Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties, love the warmth of your shoes, and they seem to hold a lot.) At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door. At worst, you will be forced to clean every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and sneeze.
1 When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few, and then just walk away. It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern for the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians. At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books. At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it in the company of the convicted felon doing community service.
This post was published on February 3, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all are still writing, this may contain some good advice.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Novel
10 When writing a novel, do not try to explain what you are doing to anyone. If you do, at best, they will walk away shaking their head. At worst, you might find yourself receiving an intervention by well-meaning friends and family that you didn’t know was being filmed until you saw it on Dr. Phil.
9 When writing a novel, do not assume everyone is waiting for it to be finished. If you do, at best, you may get used to the sound of crickets when it’s done. At worst, people might start avoiding you on purpose without trying to hide that they are.
8 When writing a novel, do not ask your spouse to read parts and provide an opinion on how they like it. If you do, at best, you might end up in an argument over whether you really only used your imagination in writing those sex scenes. At worst, you both might end up paying a lot of money to a divorce lawyer.
7 When writing a novel, do not ask your children to be quiet while you write. If you do, at best, they will make even more noise, and you will have to find a way to soundproof your room. At worst, you might just be investigated by child protective services at the request of neighbors tired of the screaming and crying (mainly from you).
6 When writing a novel, do not think you need a rest by playing a video game or knitting a sweater sleeve. If you do, at best, you’ll lose your focus on your plot. At worst, you will finish the sweater and reach the god level in the game but never finish the book.
5 When writing a novel, do not try to decide whether you should plan the book or just write it. If you do, at best, you may get stalled on starting the novel and have to adjust your publication deadline. At worst, you may end up having an argument with yourself and end up not on speaking terms, which would totally blow your deadline.
4 When writing a novel, do not keep your own counsel on word usage or grammar. If you do, at best, you may get lucky and have only a few mistakes. At worst, you will need to leave town and change your name to avoid the laughter from your peers.
3 When writing a novel, do not do your own editing. If you do, at best, you may be surprised by the number of problems in your book. At worst, you may want to book a trip to a country with no extradition treaty with the US.
2 When writing a novel, do not avoid rich characterizations. If you do, at best, you will have a book filled with pounds of boring material that not even you will want to read. At worst, you will need to find a decent disguise when meeting other authors and readers to avoid being called out by your characterizations of them.
1 When writing a novel, do not skimp on the plot, thinking your literary style will pull you through. If you do, at best, you might have a book you love but no one else does. At worst, you might win the Worst Literary Book of the Year Award in recognition of your achievement.
This post was originally published on February 24, 2014. It was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all write reviews (or should), I think it will still be helpful.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else
10 When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review. If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis, and your efforts will be wasted. At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.
9 When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book. It was really good.” Readers want to know what you liked about the book. If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored. At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.
8. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it. It was a waste of time.” If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it. If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book. At worst, readers will take exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.
7 When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers. If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you. At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law, Tiny.
6 When writing a book review, do not think suggesting the author quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment is funny. If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you. At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.
5 When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in your review. If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about. At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because you essentially duplicated the book in your review in your zeal to show your editorial prowess.
4 When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer. If you do, at best, readers might be impressed but still wonder about your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours. At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds, and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.
3 When writing a book review, do not think that just reading a book’s first and last chapter is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review. If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when, in fact, the book is about zombies, and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.
2 When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing. At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you think she actually lives a life of romance and danger. At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he must have experience as a serial killer. In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel with you as the victim.
1 When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews. Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be. At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web. Eventually, you’ll tire of the negativity, change your Gravatar, and start writing constructive reviews. At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used and all your email addresses, blogs, and previous book reviews. You will never escape them, making your experience a riveting plot for a dystopian novel. (Whew)
This post was originally published on February 17, 2014 by Marie Bailey and me. Since this year’s income tax deadline is fast approaching, I thought it would be good to review.
Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes
10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best, you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.
9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best, you could tip it over and ruin a few papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.
8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your dog to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best, you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment
7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best, some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.
6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best, you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst, you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more than you had planned.
5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best, you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.
4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best, the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.
3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best, the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has as the gavel falls on the final auction of your house.
2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best, you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.
1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best, you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get all your living expenses paid, but may have a roommate who wants to go steady.
Since spring is almost here and baseball will be starting soon, I thought it would be a good idea to go back to 2013 and revisit a post co-written by Marie Bailey and me. For those of you in little league, this may be useful. Hopefully, there will be a few laughs for the rest of us. I announced yesterday that I will be off-line from March 12 to the 19th. Tempeste and Twiggy will be back on March 20th.
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Top Ten Things Not To Do at a Little League Game
10. When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in. If you do at best, your advice will fall on deaf ears. At worst, that big assistant coach with the ball bat is heading your way.
9. When at a little league game, do not call out penalties as if you were the referee. If you do at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team have plans to meet you after the game.
8. When at a little league game, do not think you can place bets on the outcomes. If you do at best, all the action will be low-key. At worst, parents of the kids you bet against will find out and toss you out of the game and split your winnings.
7. When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school. If you do at best, you won’t rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench. At worst, your kids will fumble a play from sheer embarrassment, and you’ll have to find your own way home.
6. When at a little league game, do not show up toting your own keg of beer. If you do at best, everyone will think you are a hero. At worst, the county liquor control board has seized your beer and provided you with a drafty place to spend the night.
5. When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid. If you do at best, your kid will be too busy playing the game and ignore you. At worst, you’ll not be warned that the ball just tossed is headed straight for a spot that will hurt.
4. When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smartphone when you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates. If you do at best, you can continue uninterrupted. At worst, several parents ask if they can have a copy of your video, and in the moment, with no excuse, you drop your phone into a water bucket.
3. When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream. If you do at best, they will all be lactose intolerant and forbidden to go. At worst, they all take you up on your offer and find that you forgot your wallet after ordering.
2. When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game. If you do at best, someone will stop you. At worst you’ll wind up dislocating your hips, and your kids will never speak to you again.
1. When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team. If you do at best, the crowd noise will drown you out. At worst, when their parents come to silence you, no one will stand in their way because yelling at kids is just wrong.
This post, co-authored by Marie Bailey, ran on November 6, 2013. Since people still commute to work, it should be relevant.
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Top Ten Things Not to do When Commuting to Work by Car
10 When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara or use an electric razor while driving. If you do, at best, you’ll have smudges or missed spots. At worse, you might wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye or a long shave up the side of the head as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you. (Good luck at the meeting.)
9 When commuting to work by car don’t drive like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. If you do, at best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection. At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early and being on display for all the folks you passed.
8 When commuting to work by car, try not to listen to state or national news on your radio. If you do listen, at best, you will need to breath deeply. At worst, your fellow commuters will call the local police thinking all those expletives were signs of a nervous breakdown. (Sitting in the back of a police care sure makes those news stories seem insignificant don’t they?)
7 When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rear view mirror. If you do, at best, the driver ahead makes no sudden stops. At worst, they quickly step on the brake and cause you to rear-end them. (Don’t even try to argue the point of who’s fault this accident is. You know it’s yours.)
6 When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time. If you do, at best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth. At worst, the coffee you start to sip will wind up all over your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you. (Seemed like a good idea while in the drive through.)
5 When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light. If you can’t avoid the temptation, At best, no one will see you. At worst, the other commuters viewing your activities will be attending customer meeting that you have scheduled that morning. (Too bad you grossed out your important customers)
4 When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish reading the last chapter of the book you can’t put down. If you do, at best, you are fully aware of surrounding traffic. At worst, you’ll never get to finish the book because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (How were you to know it was on his TBR list?)
3 When commuting to work by car, do not think there will be no traffic when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company. If you do, at best, you make all the lights. At worse, the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute. (Your commute time is double and your chances of being fired triple)
2 When commuting to work by car, do check your text messages before you get to your office. At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs. At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.
1. When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior. If you do, at best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst, bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you. (Be mindful. Be aware. Drive safely)
This post was published on January 4, 2016. Since we all go to bookstores, it may be helpful.
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This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on bookstore visits. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore
10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best, you will tip off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot. (That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)
9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to avoid the discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book, right?)
8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies or bunny feet onesie, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (Before that, the store seemed just like home, didn’t it?)
7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best, the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the best-selling author of the title, “Fear No One: Bare Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands, doesn’t he?)
6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best, you may be taken for a homeless person in need of an offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean by a phone call?)
5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best, you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)
4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best, store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold its breath, hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera. (You know Erotica is a genre, right? No need to sneak.)
3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best, the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow, that was embarrassing)
2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price of the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best, the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager, who will make a note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all, this place is not a flea market)
1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best, you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel have your number; you might want to take the hint. (After three days, fish and guests start to smell alike)
1. When you leave the reception, do not thank the bride and groom’s parents with a big juicy kiss
