Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments
Image by mcmurryjulie from Pixabay

 

This post was initially run on March 10, 2014, co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me.  Since there are still negative reviews out there, maybe it might be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

10. If your book gets a negative review, do not read the review, especially if the rating is one star. At best, the reviewer will admit the review is based on having read only a couple of pages of your book, and you can chide yourself for even bothering to read one word of it. At worst, you will read the review so many times you can quote it by heart, begin to believe it, and eventually get one star tattooed on your back to atone for imagined errors in your career choice.

9. If your book gets a negative review, do not respond to the review in any way. If you do, at best, the reviewer will ignore your comments and let others decide if you just have a case of sour grapes. At worst, the reviewer will take great delight in responding to your comments, goading you into an outraged frenzy, whereupon the website will block you from seeing any more reviews.

8. If your book gets a negative review, do not search for and then comment on other books that the reviewer has reviewed. Even if you have read those books, at best, you will be taking precious time away from your writing just to get even with the reviewer. At worst, the reviewer will realize it is you and seek a court injunction on the grounds that you are unstable, as evidenced by your spending so much more time reviewing other books rather than writing one.

7. If your book gets a negative review, do not ask your family or friends to target the reviewer with their own commentaries. If you do, at best, the reviewer will just ignore them, and eventually they will lose interest. At worst, they will all end up in an unsightly battle of words, and then they will all get banned from the website, and your family and friends will turn on you like a wounded Leopard.

6. If your book gets a negative review, do not assume a false identity and write reviews of your book to counter the negative review. If you do, at best, no one will know it’s you, and eventually, you will just feel as if you are a loser. (You think?). At worst, someone will uncover your identity and both you and your book will be pulled from the websites, leaving your readers to believe you’ve been arrested or kidnapped.

5. If your book gets a negative review, do not start a campaign against negative reviews, using the negative review as an example. At best, the campaign will quickly fizzle out as so many do without the reviewer ever knowing about it. At worst, the reviewer will see your campaign and accuse you of libel, slapping you with a lawsuit so expensive that you will be doomed to write PR copy for the Russians full-time for the rest of your life in order to pay it off.

4. If your book gets a negative review, do not think that you should suddenly switch genres just because one reviewer doesn’t “get” your book. If you do, at best, you might discover writing erotica causes you to take too many breaks during the day, so you can try out scenes with your significant other, and so your productivity suffers. At worst, you might discover that while you may now enjoy writing erotica, you can’t get your children’s literature agent or any publisher’s interest in your new book.

3. If your book gets a negative review, do not take the reviewer’s advice to quit writing and take up dishwashing as an occupation. At best, the long hours at the sink will only cause your imagination to go into high gear, and you’ll be back to writing within a few days. At worst, your brain will turn to mush from the dull drudgery, and by the time you can retire from said occupation, you will have forgotten how you got stuck as a dishwasher in the first place.

2. If your book gets a negative review, do not think one bad review trumps all your positive reviews. If you do, at best, your faithful readers will not mind that you’ve suddenly changed narrative styles because you are talented in any style you choose. At worst, you will find yourself writing solely for the reviewer who doesn’t care about you or your books, and your readers will have to stage an intervention to prevent you from reading any more negative reviews.

1. If your book gets a negative review, do not stop writing. If you do, at best, you will suddenly have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. At worst, you will disappoint your readers and they will accuse you of emulating J.D. Salinger, which, of course, you cannot afford to do until you actually become J. D. Salinger.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

labor day.

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

***

In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending a Parent-teacher Conference

~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

Image from Pixabay

 

This post was published on April 29, 2014, by Marie Bailey and me. Since school has begun, it is time to prepare for the dreaded parent-teacher conference. Hopefully, this advice will help.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending a Parent-Teacher Conference

10 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume your child is never at fault.  If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, you may find yourself explaining certain behaviors that could only be learned at home.

9 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to explain away your child’s behavior with some made-up medical excuse.  If you do, at best, you might be questioned about your own veracity. At worst, you might have to explain to child welfare that a medical exam found no medical reason for the behaviors.

8 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to deny providing unusual help on the term project.  If you do, at best, you will appear to be someone who has issues with the truth. At worst, you could be accused of being a severely overprotective parent with recommendations for counseling.

7 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to ingratiate the teacher with abnormal compliments. If you do, at best, you will look like you have something to hide. At worst, the teacher will think you are shallow and assign the same trait to your child.

6 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume the teacher will be impressed with your professional or work title and your forceful personality. If you do, at best, you may be in for a rude awakening. At worst, the teacher will think you are a bully and report you to the principal.

5 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not do all the talking. If you do, at best, you may miss some important information. At worst, the teacher will think you care more about yourself than your child and end the conference early with none of the issues resolved.

4 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring along friends or relatives as support. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel outnumbered and end the conference early. At worst, the teacher will bring in several witnesses, and pretty soon, the conference will take on the appearance of a trial with you as the defendant.

3 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring gifts. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel uncomfortable in giving you an honest evaluation of your child’s performance. At worst, the teacher will need to call the principal to witness turning down what they consider to be a bribe.

2 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not call the teacher by their first name. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are rude. At worst, the teacher may get the impression that you are unnecessarily challenging the professional relationship, which will not bode well for the rest of the semester for your child.

1 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not wear your most casual clothes. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are not serious about the conference. At worst, you may be unknowingly violating the school dress code and be asked to leave the building.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing the Great American Novel

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

 

This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me and posted on September 30, 2013. We hope it is still useful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel

10. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy, and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.

9.  If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.

8.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors, or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.

7.  If you are writing the Great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “How did you know that?” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “Why haven’t we done that?”

6.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you several stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book, as if it is as easy as saying.

5.  If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue, but you might find yourself in a position where you need new clothes beyond your tattered, trusted terry-cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.

4.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all yours.

3.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar, or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as a world-famous author, you can do it.

2.  If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not suspend everyday hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avoid unusual questions, not to mention the threat of intervention from loved ones.

1.  If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least you had the faith to get there.

I will be on break from Friday to Thursday of next week – That is to mean totally off the grid.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Trying to Write at Work

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments
Photo by Israel Andrade on Unsplash

 

This post was published on May 19, 2014, and co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I think some writers out there try to write on their day job, so maybe this list will provide some helpful tips. Apologies to the bosses out there who have writers on staff.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Trying to Write at Work

10 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that putting a black curtain across the entry to your cubicle will keep your boss and co-workers at bay.  At best, your boss will simply think you are being antisocial and enroll you in a workplace team-building course.  At worst, your boss will hear your keyboard clacking for once, suspect you of engaging in a double-cross with a competitor, and have company security pay a visit to your cube after hours.

9 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that arranging to work after 5 pm will allow you to play catch-up on the work you should have been doing earlier.  At best, you will find out that your boss likes to cruise the cubicles and chat after 5 pm, making it difficult for you to concentrate and finish your work.  At worst, your boss decides to spend the late evening with you in your cubicle, telling you such hair-raising stories about the psychopathic upper management, which (although good fodder for your writing) frightens you into giving up trying to sneak time to write at work just so you can spend less time there and more with the psychologist.

8 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not steal your cubicle mate’s sign that says, “Do Not Enter: Breastfeeding in Progress.” At best, you are of the right age and gender to have such a sign on your door, but unless you have a baby, your boss may decide to move you to a low-walled cubicle in the bullpen.  At worst, you are not the right age or gender, and your boss, who is renowned for lacking a sense of humor, decides to relocate you to the mailroom.

7 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can simply delete your erotic novel after saving your draft to a thumb drive.  At best, you gain a small and unknown-to-you bevy of readers in the IT department who eagerly retrieve every installment of your book after you think you have deleted it.  At worst, an installment of your novel is secretly emailed to your boss as evidence of your abusing work time and work equipment.  Of course, your boss will wait until after you have finished the novel before hosting a tense one-on-one meeting with HR.

6 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not choose to write during a period of competing deadlines and high activity.  At best, you might be able to save and close your Word document safely every time your boss bursts into your office with yet another due-yesterday project.  At worst, you become so frazzled by the constant interruptions that you inadvertently send your boss a synopsis of your romantic novel when you were supposed to send an Environmental Impact Report on a proposed shopping mall development, and now the boss looks at you differently.

5 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that getting to work early (and away from the chaos of your own household) will help you.  At best, your colleagues who are already there will soon tire of your constant refusal to hang out with them in the break room until the work day officially starts.  At worst, your boss is one of those who also shows up early and decides to take advantage of your presence by sending you more work earlier every day.

4 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can gracefully shift from typing like a fiend on your personal laptop to entering data on your work computer whenever someone walks by your office or cubicle.  At best, you learn how to position your personal laptop beside your work computer so it is out of sight and you appear as if you are working.  At worst, you eventually develop such a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome that you have to go on medical leave and abstain from writing altogether.

3 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think simply hiding under your desk with your laptop will be enough to keep your boss from knowing what you are doing.  At best, there is already so much keyboarding going on at your workplace that no one even notices the tap-tap-tapping of your laptop as you pound out another short story.  At worst, you become so engrossed in your writing that  you don’t realize that your tapping is the only sound in the workplace until you stop and peek out from under your desk to see your boss standing in the entryway, with your latest performance review ready for your signature in hand.

2 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can get away with writing another scene in your comedic screenplay during a staff meeting by making it seem as if you are simply taking notes.  At best, another staff member is actually delegated to take notes, and so your boss just thinks you are being diligent and doesn’t ask you to share.  At worst, since you are writing a comedy, you have to frequently stifle laughter, which eventually gets the attention of your boss, who takes your stifled laughter personally and decides to invite you to meet with HR via an email with the subject: Death of a Salesman.

1 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can (for long) get away with claiming to have stomach problems and then trying to write on your tablet in the restroom.  At best, you will become adept at balancing your tablet on your knees, but the words you type might not be worth the loss of lower-body feeling from sitting on the toilet for too long. At worst, you will learn more about your colleagues’ bathroom habits than any sane person should know, making you really afraid to touch the doorknob on your way out.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments
Photo Pixabay

 

This post ran in 2020 but I think it is still good advice for now.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)

5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)

4 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)

1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Playing Sports with Friends

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This post was run on March 31, 2014, and created by Marie Ann Baily and me. I think it might still be good advice.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis, or Eight Ball with Friends

10 When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an embedded racket, club, or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9 When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8 When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7 When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friends will figure out a way to stick you with a bill when you least expect it, which will require a bank loan to cover.

6 When playing sports with friends, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match the price of your clothing and equipment. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem, which may or may not be accurate.

5 When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol, especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause of the team’s loss. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and a bad morning after.

4 When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3 When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the groundskeeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about the rules.

2 When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peacekeeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1 When playing sports with friends, try to remember that the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Commuting to Work by Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Image by Ralph Drasba from Pixabay

 

This list was published by Marie Ann Bailey and me in November 2013. Since a lot of companies are asking workers to come back to the office from the bedroom, this list may be helpful.

10 When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara or use an electric razor while driving. The former situation will have you likely wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you which decided to stop for the red light.  The latter situation could cause you to shave up the side of your head, giving you a “hair style” unacceptable to your boss or to several urban gangs.

9 When commuting to work by car, refrain from driving like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.  At best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection while everyone behind you throws daggers at you with their eyes or maybe even for real.  At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early, with everyone passing you  with smiles of glee as they know you are getting your just desserts.

8 When commuting to work by car, refrain from listening to state or national news on your radio.  Screaming expletives at the top of your lungs might make your fellow commuters worry that you are having a meltdown, at which point they will call the local police, who will only add to your near blood-boiling frustration by pulling you over and making you late for work, not to mention the possibility of you failing the “walk the line test” even though you haven’t been drinking.

7 When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rear view mirror.  Chances are they will suddenly step on the brake and cause you to read-end them which will result in (1) serious damage to your nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was) and/or (2) serious damage to their nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was).

6 When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time.  At best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth.  At worst, the coffee you start to sip in order to wash down the Egg McMuffin will wind up covering your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you.

5 When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light.  With your luck, the other commuters viewing your activities will likely be attending the same business meeting that you have scheduled that morning, only their role will be as a grossed out customer.

4 When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish that last chapter of  your book while driving.  With the former, you may wind up with a face full of newsprint when you rear-end the person in front of you and your airbag engages.  At worst, you’ll never get to finish the book because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (because, of course, it had been on his to-read list).

3 When commuting to work by car, do not expect to have a smooth commute when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company.  Do expect that the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute, making your commute time double and your chances of being fired triple.

2 When commuting to work by car, do not expect that your fellow commuters will be understanding if you alternate between speeding and slowing down because you are trying to check your text messages before you get to your office.  At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs.  At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.

1 When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior.  At best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst, well, bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you.  Be mindful.  Be aware.  Drive safely.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments
Photo by Paolo Chiabrando on Unsplash

 

This list was posted in October 2013 and authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since many people are trying to get published, it may be useful today.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

10 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.

9 When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter, and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.

8 When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.

7 When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.

6 When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”

5 When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.

4 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is no publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is still in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”

3 When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.

2 When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another, more motivated by non-monetary reasons.

1 When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.

Eternal Road – The final stop is on sale beginning today until July 14th. Here is the link. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GL135KQ

The first book in the Eternal Road series has James and Sam battling Lucifer to save mankind.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

 

This post was published on October 20, 2014. Since corporation are still holding these events it might be useful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

10 If your company is having a team building event, do not think your team relationships will last. If you do, at best, you will be seen as weak and someone to avoid. At worst, the next promotion will go to your new friend who explained to the boss how needy you are.

9 If your company has a team building event, do not fall for the old trust building exercise. If you do, at best, your trust will not be reciprocated. At worst, you will place your trust in someone who in the end wants to see you dead.

8 If your company has a team building event, do not get paired with the boss. If you do, at best, you will get low grades for being too subservient. At worst, your boss will think you are not made of the stuff originally thought and will introduce you to the meaning of the phrase persona non grata.

7 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best, you will be the only one. At worst, the note taker will immediately label you as someone who does not take work seriously.

6 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the wearing apparel instructions. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will be the only ones dressed in jeans and sweatshirt. At worst, the biggest boss on the planet will drop by the exercise to see how it is going and will inquire of your boss, “who’s the other psychologist?”

5 If your company has a team building event, do not try to be the best player in the skill competition. If you are, at best, your boss will believe you have too much time on your hands. At worst, your boss will appoint you as team leader for the next team building event.

4 If your company has a team building event, do not think the free food and drinks are on an all you can eat buffet. If you do, at best, you will be seen as someone who is obviously lacking self-control. At worst, your boss will wonder if you always take advantage of the company expense account and inform finance to conduct an audit of your expenses.

3 If your company has a team building event, do not think the truth hour is for telling the truth. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will become simpatico. At worst, your boss will be counting the moments until you and they will be alone so that the longer term franchise you were counting on can be terminated.

2 If your company has a team building event, do not try to bring any new ideas during creative hour. If you do, at best, your peers will poke enough holes in your idea to kill it. At worst, thinking outside the box will only convince your boss that perhaps your belongings should be in a similar container and both of you escorted out by security.

1 If your company has a team building event do not sing along when the psychologist puts the Queen CD in the player and “We Are the Champions”starts playing. If you do, at best, your co-workers will think you are a throwback to the 80s. At worst, your boss loves “We Are the Champions” and your off note singing is making the neck hair stand up which will be a reminder to ask HR to have you transferred to Guam before the next team building event.