Category: Top Ten No-No

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This post was originally run on April 18th, 2016. If you remember it, I hope you like it again. If not? I hope you like it. (My desires are small)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

10 If you are moving, do not wait until the movers show up to begin thinking of what you want to pack. If you do, at best, you will have a lot of hourly overtime to pay. At worst, your crew is likely to leave to move someone else and suggest you get organized in the meantime. (A little embarrassing to be left alone in the middle of a mess, isn’t it?)

9 If you are moving, do not pack your crystal pieces with your hand weights. At best, you might get some chips. At worst, you will arrive at the new place with a box of crystal snow.  (You were going to take the weights out but forgot, huh Bunky?)

8 If you are moving, do not forget to put your frozen food in a safe but frigid place. If you do forget, at best, you will have a bunch of thawed food on arrival. At worst, the thawing food will be in a place to drip through at least six boxes of your clothes. (Those white things look beautiful with that pot roast branding.)

7 If you are moving, do not be tempted to throw out your old pots and pans just cause you are tired of them. If you are, at best, you will need to replace everything before you can eat at home again. At worst, you didn’t realize the cookware was a precious gift from your parents, and now they are going through the dumpster. (How were you to know that was their first set?)

6 If you are moving, do not try to save and pack that delicious casserole you had last night. If you do, at best, it will be spoiled during the trip, and you’ll know it. At worst, you will ignore the signs of spoilage and dig in. (Those sirens you now hear is EMS. Gotta hope they get there in time)

5 If you are moving, do not think you and your friends have to consume all the liquor the night before the move. If you do, at best, your headache, chills, and nausea will be gone around 3:00 pm. At worst, you will not only be sick but will have to deal with five or six comatose friends. (Pretty hard to carry that dresser over all those bodies, isn’t it, Buster?)

4 If you are moving, do not tell the movers to put stuff “anywhere.” If you do, at best, you will have a living room that looks like a bedroom. At worst, you will have one room filled with furniture. (It’s the first room you enter, right?)

3 If you are moving, do not think your boxes don’t need marking because you remember what’s in each one. If you do, at best, you will be opening boxes and searching for things for a week. At worst, you will finally give up and stack all the boxes in such a way as to imitate the world’s worst hoarder. It (Pretty tough for the sunlight to get in through all those boxes. You say you feel like a rat in a maze?)

2. If you are moving, do not forget to fill out the forwarding cards for your new address. If you forget, at best, you will wonder where your mail went after three months. At worst, you will begin to wonder about all those phone calls regarding your lights, water, cable, and telephone. (That is until they all go dark. Now a rat in a dark and lonely maze.)

1 If you are moving, do not have friends’ help. If you do, at best, there will be only a few dented, scratched, and broken items. At worst, you realize no one knows how to dismantle your bed and couch, and you are forced to leave them behind. (How in the hell did those items get into the apartment in the first place?)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

Since I’m at a Writer’s conference right now, I decided to look up my post from last year and check to see if there are any pointers I should follow. I decided to re-publish the post from last year since I really couldn’t improve on it. Hope you like it.

 

a writer's conference

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

10. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think you need to impress the faculty with your knowledge of the writing craft. If you do, at best you will sound ridiculous teaching best-selling authors about writing. At worst, one of the best-selling authors may ask you how many books you have sold.

9.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not volunteer to be the first to read your story out loud. If you do, at best you will finish your reading and no one will applaud since you obviously did not hear the instructions. At worst, you will finish your reading and the instructor will use you as the example of what not to read aloud.

8.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not continually ask questions in the form of personal anecdotes. If you do, at best you will demonstrate to faculty and fellow attendees how insecure you really are in your writing. At worst, you may find the faculty intentionally ignoring your raised hand during Q&A to the delight of your fellow authors.

7.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think one of the agents attending will remember and represent you if you try to monopolize their time. If you do, at best you might find that agent has decided to go home early and will remember you forever. At worst, the agent will believe you to be a stalker and report you to the police and remember you forever.

6.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not try to maneuver yourself next to best-selling authors at the social events. If you do, at best you will eventually be discovered and the authors will know you for a not so good reason. At worst, you will be the laughing-stock at the faculty gathering prior to each event which will result in an informal shunning procedure.

5.   If you attend a writer’s conference, do not believe you become even more interesting to best-selling authors after too many glasses of wine. If you do, at best you will be the only one at the conference who believes you to be a serious author. At worst, you may just go over the line and need help getting to your room which will leave a lasting impression on all those who witness the event as well as those who may not want to sign a contract with someone who has a drinking problem.

4.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not jump to the front of the serving lines to be the first to grab your food so you will be ready to squeeze into the spot next to John Lescroart. If you do, at best you may have the conference attendees believing you have some kind of eating disorder. At worst, you might be sending a message to the conference that you will do all most anything to get ahead and will be able to count with one finger the number of people who might be willing to help you

3.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not assume all the conference attendees can learn from your experience. If you do, at best you will eventually have difficulty finding people who will talk to you. At worst, you might be really humiliated when you discover the attendees you are trying to impress have signed with major publishing houses and dearly want to stay away from you.

2.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think others will be impressed by your numbers of followers on social media. If you do you, at best you may find out some successful authors do not personally do social media and will not be impressed. At worst, you will find that your numbers no matter how large are still smaller than others in attendance.

1.  If you attend a writer’s conference, do not promise to send e-mails and to keep in touch after the conference and then fail to do so. If you do, at best the attendees will forget about you and it will be your loss. At worst, you will be remembered as one who doesn’t follow through and at some point in the future you may have to live down that trait.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do In The Rain

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

 

 

This week’s list was prompted by the huge amount of rainfall that came down in California. I used to live in Sonoma and remember what it was like when the five and six-inch rainfalls hit. Most people are not aware that most of California is a desert and the people living there rely on the winter rainfalls to refill the reservoirs for use in the summer. It has been tough for the last few years since rainfall amounts were not up to levels that could sustain consumption through the summer. The latest round of rain has not eliminated the problem since fast accumulation generally means runoff as opposed to conservation. Our thoughts are with those in California and maybe a chuckle will help a little.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do in the Rain

10 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not engage cruise control. If you do, at best  you may have a spin out. At worst, your car will continue at a constant rate of speed as you slide off the highway into the old river gorge which is swollen with rain water and moving at fifty miles an hour.

9 If you are in the rain driving your car do not cross a puddle of unknown depth especially if you see the back fin of an unidentified fish. If you do, at best rescue will come before the car sinks. At worst, you and your car will be the subject of the six o’clock news as the coast guard boards your temporary boat and claps you in irons

8 If you are in the rain and don’t have an umbrella, do not hold a paper over your head. If you do, at best you will end up wet and ink-covered. At worst, you might be mistaken for a person with a paper mache head and have to deal with parents of children who are sure you are from a different planet.

7 If you are in the rain, do not try to run to minimize the effects of the raindrops. If you do, at best you will simply get wetter faster as a result of your increased velocity. At worst, running in a downpour has all the makings of a two-reel comedy especially if you slip and fall into a puddle as you step off the curb. (You know a cellphone camera will catch that underwear flash and all)

6 If you are in the rain and standing with people to get on the bus, do not mention the rain. If you do, at best those around you will think you are an idiot for discussing the obvious. At worst, you may just be lucky enough to be able to get under an umbrella and then be told to move since you  have made your umbrella mate uncomfortable with your observation of “wow some rain, huh.”

5 If you are in the rain and you are carrying anything, do not think you can keep it dry by shoving it under your clothes. If you do, at best you will have a cold wet lump next to your skin. At worst, those around you will think you have taken something illegally and turn you into the police who decide not to step out of their car in the rain but rather Taser you from inside the car.

4 If you are in the rain, do not try to eat your sandwich on the go. If you do, at best you will have to eat it too fast to save it from melting. At worst, you will be too slow and the best part of the sandwich will have run down the sleeve of the arm connected to the hand which was wrapped around the sandwich. This part of the sandwich will only be discovered when you raise your arm to ask a question of the visiting executive from the home office who will naturally think you rolled in something bad.

3 If you are in the rain, do not think your dog will perform as they usually do on walk. If you do, at best you and the dog will be in for a frustrating experience. At worst, your dog will associate rain with your disappointment and my want to help by leaving a surprise for you at the door before walk if it is raining outside to show you there is no need for the walk.

2 If you are in the rain and you have a flat tire, do not try to change it yourself. If you do, at best you will be soaking wet and dirty. At worst you might just be part of a freak accident where the car slips off the jack and rolls down an embankment only to become airborne until landing on a person’s roof below and coming to a stop in their living room. (While they are watching the six o’clock news about an earthquake in Asia) Okay, I’ll admit it’s not a realistic situation but hey, it could happen and why take the chance.

1 If you are in the rain, do not take your shoes off to prevent your Italian leathers from getting wet. If you do, at best you will only step on some strangers gum. At worst, you may step into a puddle that if you had your shoes on you would have tried to avoid only to discover someone let their pet piranhas loose for a run down the street without their leashes. The sad part is the piranhas were let loose prior to their tapir dinner.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Drinking

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

 

 

 

This is the 62nd installment of Ten Things Not to Do. This was inspired by seeing some very strange things happen on the beach over Labor Day. I hope you enjoy.

 

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have Been Drinking.

10. If you have been drinking, do not think the soft sand on the beach will prevent you from serious injury as you fall out of the back of your ten foot high monster truck. If you do, at best you’ll get a nasty bump. At worst, you may end up buried up to your neck upside down.

9, If you have been drinking, do not think your four-wheel drive Hemi V8 will pull you out of the surf. If you do, At best you might need to figure out how to get towed back to reality. At worst, you may be the new captain of the good ship Dodge Tough that is slowly going down for the last time.

8. If you have been drinking, do not stand up in the back of your pickup truck yelling an offer to trade beads for bras. If you do, at best you may be spotted by the beach patrol and given a PI ticket. At worst, you may be asked to pay an additional amount in the form of tooth contribution for the poor judgment you have demonstrated by a band of unappreciative Hells Angles.

7. If you have been drinking, do not think doing donuts in the sand with your diesel powerhouse is entertainment for all who watch. If you do, at best you might eventually get stuck to the relief of everyone on the beach. At worst, trying to get unstuck will only see your high-powered monster bury itself well below the place where it will cost more than $500.00 to tow you out.

6. If you have been drinking, do not think the world wants to join you in a skinny dip. If you do at best, the cooler water will bring you to a point where you now realize your mistake and a friendly person will bring your swimsuit to you.. At worst, you will be spending the rest of the day in the water waiting for nightfall so you can finally sneak back to your swimsuit.

5. If you have been drinking, do not think the fire which you intend to build is not big enough. If you do, at best you won’t be able to find any more wood. At worst, you will look high and low for objects that will burn including; beach chairs, tents and tons of beer cans only to discover they don’t.

4, If you have been drinking, do not think you can play beach volleyball as good as the people who are younger than you. If you do, at best the next morning will point out your limitations for the next time. At worst, you may pull several unused muscles and windup at the ER to get straightened out.

3. If you have been drinking, do not think you can fish from the back of your truck way after the tide has come in. If you do, at best you may be there until the tide goes out again. At worst, you may not be there since the tide was stronger than your truck.

2. If you have been drinking, do not think the rest of the beach would enjoy your Dr. Dre turned up to the pain level. If you do you, at best you may get a visit from a big neighbor asking you to turn it down. At worst, you may find your sound system being tested for its water resistance.

1. If you have been drinking, do not get behind the wheel of that monster wagon with the intent to drive home. If you do, at best you might be caught for a DUI. At worst, you may actually be responsible for the injury or death of an innocent person or animal.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have a Lousy Boss

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Here is the 58th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from a number of blogs which focused on different kinds of bosses. Hope you like it.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Have a Lousy Boss

10.If you have a lousy boss, do not try to curry favor. If you do, at best your co-workers will shun you. At worst, the boss may think you are a big ass suck up and have no respect for you what so ever.

9. If you have a lousy boss, do not wish a cheery good morning. If you do, at best the boss will think you are shallow. At worst, the boss will not appreciate your greeting since all days are bad in the boss’s opinion.

8. If you have a lousy boss, do not volunteer to plan an event. If you do, at best you will be disappointed in the boss’s disapproval of how the event went. At worst, your permanent record will have an entry about poor planning skills.

7. If you have a lousy boss, do not talk to the boss at company functions. If you do, at best the boss with think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will allow paranoid feelings to influence the decision to move you to the basement mop closet.

6. If you have a lousy boss, do not ask a question at meetings. If you do, at best your co-workers will think you are sucking up. At worst, the boss will take your question as a personal attack on the company objectives and will record this lack of loyalty for your next review.

5. If you have a lousy boss, do not take normal coffee breaks. If you do, at best the boss will think you are not motivated. At worst, the boss will assume you are leading a plot with your co-workers to undermine the boss’s authority.

4. If you have a lousy boss, do not get caught taking to the boss’s boss at a company function. At best, the boss will allow the paranoid feeling to influence your next pay raise. At worst, the boss will have a private discussion with the boss’s boss on the need to develop a performance plan to get you back on track.

3. If you have a lousy boss, do not expect praise and reward for a job well done. If you do, at best you will be disappointed since the boss believes all good things are a result of excellent management of you. At worst, the boss will find out how disappointed you are and will make a note in your file about your weakness as a team player.

2. If you have a lousy boss, do not think the invitation to join a special team is an honor. If you do, at best you will be disappointed to find out the boss just needed some folks to do extra work. At worst, you will learn the special team is being held accountable and chartered to correct some screw-ups done by another special team appointed by the boss.

1. If you have a lousy boss, do not feel comfortable going on vacation. If you do, at best you just may be interrupted by annoying phone calls. At worst, you will not be interrupted but will come back to find your job function has changed with another forty hours of work added on to your current load.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When You Need a Rest Stop

~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Here is the 56th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do and want you to know, I’m pretty much going it alone. With all the summer travels, I thought I would offer some advice on what not to do when you need to stop. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Need a Rest Stop

    10. If you need a rest stop, do not think you need to finish that 32 ounce Big Gulp. If you do, at best you will reach the rest stop          with no delay. At worst, the traffic pile up on the 687 which caused you to run onto the median for relief makes the evening          news with the enhancement of your handcuffed frame over the back of a police car.

  1. If you need a rest stop, do not continue down the highway. If you do, at best you may make it to your destination dog tired but in one piece. At worst, you will be wondering why the police are waking you up knocking on your window and asking you to move your car off the interstate highway into the care of the friendly tow truck driver.
  1. If you need a rest stop do not speed up to get there faster. If you do, at best you may not make it any quicker. At worst, you will be trying to explain to the friendly officer why you have a grimace on your face as well as why you were speeding.
  1. If you need a rest stop do not listen to others in the car who are calling you chicken. If you do, at best you will be uncomfortable. At worst, you will get no credit for being brave when everyone finally gets wind of your mistake.
  1. If you need a rest stop, do not assume there is one every ten miles and go flying by the last one. If you do, at best you may get lucky and there is one close. At worst, you have just seen the last rest area for one thousand miles and you might as well pray for a cover of darkness which you will need in ten minutes.
  1. If you need a rest stop, do not think everyone in the car needs one as well. If you do, at best you will only hear the grumbles about stopping again. At worst, your car mates (or family) will take your frequent needs to stop as evidence you never wanted to go on this trip in the first place and may end up on the roof like granny Griswold.
  1. If you need a rest stop do not think the water found there is safe for drinking. If you do, at best you may only have a slight reaction. At worst you might be spending your entire vacation in the ER strapped to a metal pan begging the attendants for  pain killing drugs or failing that, to use euthanasia as a final solution.
  1. If you need a rest stop do not pull into one of those country kitchen store kind of places. If you do, at best you will only have to shell out a small fortune for the treats everyone picked up. At worst your family will want to stay for a nice $25.00 a plate country fried steak dinner (with all the fixin’s) and before you know it all your vacation money has been spent.
  1. If you need a rest stop do not try to get free air for your tires. If you do at best it will only cost you a dollar to fill them. At worst, the machine has been programmed to actually suck the air out of your tires and the only way to get a refill is to pay an attendant to do it for you and you will probably need to sell your car to settle up
  1. If you need a rest stop, do not get off the interstate to go see a crocodile farm as a way to kill two birds with one stone. If you do, at best the owner of the crocodile farm will not have gas and a rest room. At worst, you will be hearing the music from Deliverance as you meet the lovely down home family who have yet to see a more beautiful car in all their born days.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Attract Other Authors to do a Top Ten List

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

 

Here is the 55th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I decided to publish this list in case anyone wants to do a Top Ten you will at least know some thought has been put in how to behave. Of course, the person who needs to behave is ME. If you would like to guest post a list of your own, contact me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Lure Attract Other Authors to do a Top Ten List

10. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not make them believe they will become rich and famous. If you do, at best they will overlook the one “like” and still speak to you. At worst, they could find a way to troll your blog for the rest of your life.

9.   If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not try to write a top ten list for them. If you do, at best you will probably include information which makes no sense. At worst, you might unintentionally include embarrassing information which the author had no idea you knew and which will put you on the author’s hate list for all time.

8.   If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not lead them to believe it is easy. If you do, at best you may never get the author to guest blog again. At worst, you may find some unpleasant e-mails from your previous colleague requesting you to place your list where the sun doesn’t shine.

7.   If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not think you won’t need a post for that day. If you do, at best you will be scrambling to put together something at the last minute. At worst, you will publish an incoherent post that is so off the mark you’ll want to enroll in a witness protection program and will be willing to commit a crime to do so.

6.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not force the subject. If you do at best you may end up with a top ten list of nothing. At worst you will no doubt antagonize your readers with the crap produced and will have made an enemy for life of the author.

5.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not insist on running your own media. If you do, at best your media will have absolutely no tie in to the list. At worst you will have the pleasure of enjoying your media selection alone which is a state that may turn out to be permanent.

4.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not set up a set of pre-publish rules that may be impossible to follow. If you do, at best you may find yourself listless on Monday. At worst, you may cause what has been a lovely relationship with the author  to degenerate into twelve paces at dawn and you don’t know how to fire a flintlock pistol.

3.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not promise food or money for participation. If you do, at best you will need to figure out a way to select the best lists. At worst, you may be put in a position of turning down beautiful lists due to the fact that you have run out of money and food turning those you don’t accept into lifelong Voo Doo practitioners.

2.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not offer to guest post on their blog in return. If you do, at best you might get a nibble or two. At worst, you will be listening to the crickets for a long time since none of those offered really want you to guest post.

1.  If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not plead, beg, cry, or kick your feet. If you do, at best your fellow bloggers will find a way to unfollow you. At worst, you will broadcast your desperation which in the jungle as well as in the blogosphere can lead to being pounced upon by hungry lions..

 

Top Ten List of What Not to do When Creating a Top Ten List

~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 54th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I decided to publish this list in case anyone wants to do a Top Ten. If so, contact me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com

 

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Creating Top Ten Lists

10. If you are creating a top ten list, do not wait until the last-minute before publication. If you do, at best you may have to go with nine. At worst, you might get stuck after two items which will lead to severe writer’s block which might transfer to your latest novel.

9. If you are creating a top ten list, do not ask your significant other how they like it. If you do, at best you might get an honest answer. At worst, you may find out your significant other and you have nothing what so ever in common and finally decide to part.

8. If you are creating a top ten list, do not choose a subject which is limited.( like creating top ten lists) If you do, at best you will be hard pressed to think of ten items, At worst, you will make your vulnerability on the subject transparent to everyone and you will be the laughing-stock of the blogosphere.

7. If you are creating top ten list, do not think you are in line for a Pulitzer prize. If you think you are, at best you will have a very bad day when the Pulitzers are announced. At worst you will set yourself up for a monumental disappointment that might cripple you for life.

6. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start if you can’t count to ten. If you do you, at best you may be asking others for help. At worst, you will muddle on with no hope of completing the task and no knowledge of why you will not do so.

5. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start a list at the number one. If you do, at best your readers will not understand the arrangement and complain since everyone knows you count down from ten. At worst, your action could force some fragile individuals to become wards of the state for the next twenty years since you have altered what they perceive as the universal normalcy.

4. If you are creating a top ten list, do not try to fit in some political rhetoric. If you do, at best you may get some opposing comments that are not very pleasing. At worst, you’ll have political trolls after you for the rest of your natural life and the only way to escape is to write under a nom de guerre.

3. If you are creating a top ten list, do not get wrapped up in the serious stuff. If you do, at best you may spend more time researching than the list is worth. At worst you may not do enough research and find yourself on Wikipedia as an example of an idiot.

2. If you are creating a top ten list, try to find some humorous things to say. If you don’t, at best you will collect some mercy likes, but no comments. At worst, you will watch your followers drop like flies at a Raid convention.

1. If you are creating a top ten list, try to remember the previous ten so you don’t end up repeat-ing yourself. If you forget, at best your readers will assume you are a lousy proofreader. At worst, they will come to the conclusion that your drinking problem has gotten to the point of intervention and the sound at the door is the friendly technicians from Sleepy Time Rehab trying to get in with your Demerol shot and the white jacket.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

turkey-eat-ham

Top Ten Things Not to do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10.  If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9.  If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7.  If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner.  The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.

6.  If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.

5.  If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4.  If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3.  If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2.  If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner.  At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1.  If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

 

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

 

Since the football season is upon us here is the Eleventh installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Foot ball party

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to a Football Party

  1. When invited to a football party, do not show up in your favorite team’s uniform if the game that is being watched does not include your team. You will immediately let your host know that you have no interest in the game and that you only came to drink up the beer and eat as much of the food as possible.
  2. When invited to a football party and asked to bring a dish, do not think you are fulfilling the host’s wish by hauling in a big bag of store-bought popcorn and liter of diet soda.  Actually, you won’t be fulfilling anyone’s wish with that contribution.
  3. When invited to a football party and you are welcome to bring a guest, do not think this includes a stranger you grabbed off the street or a distant member of your family. The host probably intended you to bring a date or spouse and won’t appreciate feeding extraneous random people.
  4. When invited to a football party and the host has no intention of starting a gambling pool, do not think it is your duty to correct what you think is an oversight. The host probably doesn’t want to put his guests on the spot to cough up a twenty which they will ultimately lose.
  5. When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.
  6. When invited to a football party and you see that the host does not have a fifty-inch HDTV, do not offer to buy everyone a drink at the local sports bar just because it has four such TVs. Your tab may wind up more than you can afford and your host may wind up wrapping one of the TVs around your head.
  7. When invited to a football party and the host does not have your brand of beer, do not turn up your nose and declare loudly: “well if you don’t have any I’ll just have water.” Go ahead and sacrifice your delicate taste buds on the beer that resembles carbonated defrost that your host is serving. After all, you don’t need to drink a barrel of it, although a barrel may be what you need to forget why you cared.
  8. When invited to a football party and you need to describe a great play, do not pick up a curio and ask that the crowd to imagine it as the football. It may be that the curio you just passed into the kitchen and that was dropped by your wide receiver was Faberge egg handed down by  your host’s great-great-great-grandmother.
  9. When invited to a football party and you realize the game is the most boring thing you have ever watched, do not pick up the remote and change the channel to a movie. You just may offend not only your host but the rest of the party as well. They may be reminded of the time the TV network cut off the last two minutes of the Super Bowl to air the move Heidi. You chance vigilante action.
  10. When invited to a football party and the game is over, it should be your signal to leave. Do not wait for your host to switch off the TV and start clearing the living room of empty beer cups, pizza boxes and paper plates of gnawed chicken wings. Your host is not making room for you and your guest to spend the night on the couch. They really want you to return to your own couch no matter what they say.