Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Reading a Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

 

This post was published on June 18, 2018. The advice still looks good.

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I was inspired to create this list while traveling. As I watched several people reading books and doing other things, I realized that there are several things that one should not do while reading a book. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 If you are reading a book, do not drive a car. If you do, at best, you may lose your place when you drop the book to avoid an accident. At worst, you may lose the book when you end upside down in a culvert. (Didn’t see that curve while you were wrapped up in the murder scene, huh, Esau?)

9 If you are reading a book, do not walk in heavy pedestrian traffic. If you do, at best, you’ll avoid getting knocked down. At worse, you will run into Tiny, the WWF champ, as he is leaving his tactile psychosis support group. (Hard to believe someone has such a problem with being touched. I don’t think offering Tiny the book will offset his reaction, Efrain. Maybe running is a better choice.)

8 If you are reading a book, do not sip hot coffee without taking your eyes off the book. If you do, at best, you’ll only spill a drop. At worst, you might miss your mouth and feel the joy of 180-degree liquid on your chest. ( Lucky for you, Eloi, your lap was under the table.)

7 If you are reading a book, do not step onto an elevator. If you do, at best, there is room for you. At worst, the elevator is packed with members of the NFL bargaining unit members, and they just lost a bargaining point to the owners. (Kind of shocking they wouldn’t make room for a dweeb with a book, Ealdun. Lucky for you, your foot didn’t get stuck in the door.)

6 If you are reading a book, do not eat pasta marinara. If you do, at best, your book is on Kindle, and the screen is cleanable. At worst, you are reading the first edition of War and Peace, which you borrowed from the Library of Congress. (It looks like destroying a national treasure carries a significant penalty, Eban. Maybe a fishing trip to Canada is in order.)

5 If you are reading a book, do not operate machinery. If you do, at best, the mechanism doesn’t have spinning blades. At worst, your machine is designed to chop a twelve-ton steel block into one-inch pieces. (You might want to put that book down, Ebo. It looks like the feeding phase inadvertently has your shirt tangled with the twelve-ton steel block.)

4 If you are reading a book, do not continue your free fall while skydiving. If you do, at best, the exciting part will end in time for the ripcord pull. At worst, you are at the part in the book where the detective is about to expose the murderer’s identity. (Only two more pages, and you’ll know, Edoardo. Too bad the ground is there in one.)

3 If you are reading a book, do not take the black five-diamond downhill ski run. If you do, at best, a ski patrol member will be close. At worst, your fall and roll was the beginning of the giant snowball that crashed into the lodge through the huge dining room floor-to-ceiling window. (Lucky you survived, Eero. The hotel management would like to know if you want to put the $50,000 window on your room tab.)

2 If you are reading a book, do not shoot the curl of a gigantic wave off the coast of Hawaii. If you do, at best, your wipeout will be well offshore. At worst, you will ride the wave entirely distracted until you land on the shore. (Just how hard did you hit the sand, Egon? We sure hope you can get out of that ten-foot-deep crater. Give Egan a hand for that unorthodox landing, folks)

1 If you are reading a book, do not continue to compete in the world airplane aerobatics competition. If you do, at best, you might miss a loop. At worst, you may lose your orientation and think up is down and down is up. (Time to put the book down, Ekon. If you are quick, you just may pull out of this dive before dropping below the horizon. It is very hard below that horizon.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Puppy Owner

~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments
Twiggy as a puppy (about 10 weeks)

 

Tempeste the puppy (about 15 weeks)

This post ran on May 7, 2018. Since we are again a puppy owner, I think the list still has some good advice.

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The inspiration for this post has been a month of puppy raising.

10 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a new puppy?” If you do, at best, you will get a “yes.” At worst, the owner will wonder if you lost your mind and answer, “No, it is an old puppy.” (I think you could have guessed there have been some long nights, Eberhardt.)

9 If you meet a puppy owner named Tiny, do not say, “What kind of horse is that?” If you do, at best, Tiny, the WWF champ, will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny just left the vet’s office with strict instructions to cut back on the amount of food he is feeding his Great Dane Puppy. (We all know you didn’t mean to hit a sore spot, Ede. The knowledge will not help soothe that pain, though, so running is definitely in the cards right now.)

8 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Your arms look like you’ve been using.” If you do, at best, the owner will laugh at the statement. At worst, you’ll be handed the puppy to experience the joy of those needle-like teeth for yourself. (One way to get a puppy to release is to offer a chew toy, Edwaldo. Oh, you don’t have a chew toy? Next, stop the ER.)

7 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How much did that puppy cost?” If you do, at best, the owner will ignore you. At worst, you must be patient as the owner details all the expenses so far. ( It has been ten minutes, Efrem, and now it looks like you will miss your bus. Aren’t you glad you asked?)

6 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a purebred?” If you do, at best, no one cares. At worst, you will have touched on the one item on which the owners violently disagree. (How were you to know these two were on the verge of a breakup over the question of pure breed or not, Ekewaka. Well, it looks like the whole argument has flared again. Best to quietly walk away.)

5 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How are you adjusting?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a stiff upper lip response with no detail. At worst, your question triggered a loud and tear-filled explanation of how hard it has been. (Even though you are uncomfortable, Elden, letting this person sob on your shoulder is the right thing to do. I would tell those people they can move on and quit gawking.)

4 If you meet a puppy owner, do not ask, “Is your puppy house trained yet?” If you do, at best, the owner has no concerns about house training. At worse, you might have to listen to a lecture on the psychological damage owners inflict on poor puppies expecting house training too early. (Well, I guess it isn’t going well, Elhanan. What is your guess?)

3 If you meet a puppy owner, do not ask, “Which is easier, Puppies or kids?” If you do, at best, the owner will be honest and say, “Kids.” At worst, you’ll get a stink eye from hell and a request to step aside. ( Looks like both jobs are a problem, Elisha. I would step aside before someone gets hurt. Namely you.)

2 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Why did you pick that name?” If you do, at best, the owner will assume you are not being critical. At worst, the owner will think you are questioning the choice and go to extremes to make the name choice seem plausible. (I think the owner believes everyone names their puppy Little Poop Ellen. I, like you, wanted more information about that choice. Oh well, maybe next time.)

1 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say,  “What made you get a puppy?” If you do at best, you’ll get a heartwarming story. At worst, after the crying stops, you will feel sorry for the owner and the puppy and are now the proud owner of a new puppy. (I have to say, Elmore, that puppy is better off with you.)

The Top Ten Things Not to Do When Talking to a Customer Service Representative

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

 

This post ran on April 2, 2018. I think it is still good advice.

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I was inspired to create this list while in a discussion with a customer care representative. The positive side of that discussion is that it led to the creation of this list.

10 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget that “Customer Care.” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you’ll retain hope of getting your problem resolved. At worst, you will continue to pull on your hair until a large area of exposed scalp occurs. (Now, don’t you look good, Derwin. Folks will ask about that bald spot on the side of your head. I would make up some kind of medical treatment story.)

9 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget they have your address. If you do, at best, you won’t insult Tiny, the WWF champ. At worst, you will challenge Tiny to meet you outside. Tiny just graduated from his tenth stint of anger management, and he is more than glad to take you up on your offer since he still doesn’t get the management part. (Who’d a thought Tiny was in the next town, Deveon. I don’t think I would go out to meet him, no matter how many rocks he throws at your house.)

8 If you are talking with customer care, do not become impatient if the rep can’t understand or hear you. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you will be put into the penalty box for an hour cooling-off period. (One nice thing about being on hold, Deverel, is you get to listen to music that sounds like it is piped through sandpaper. Don’t get upset by that announcement every minute that tries to convince you of your importance to the company as a customer. They don’t give a rip.)

7 If you are talking with customer care, do not give any helpful information before the rep asks for it. If you do, at best, you’ll be repeating yourself often. At worst, the rep will become confused, and your problem will only be made worse by a duplicate shipment. (Yeah, that second shipment was as wrong as the first, huh, Deylin. This time, though, it cost twenty dollars more. Good luck on returning two.)

6 If you are talking with customer care, do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, at best, you’ll get another rep worse than the first. At worst, you’ll get a supervisor who was told by the boss to reduce call times and refunds. (That was a delightful two-second conversation, Diarmid. I’ll bet you are trying to translate the phrase, “Get off the phone,” as it relates to your problem, right?)

5 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to be friendly by asking where the rep is located. If you do, at best, you’ll get “Somewhere in the World” as an answer. At worst, the rep will interpret your friendliness as a hostile threat much like the previous one hundred hostile threats before you. (That tone you hear means you have been disconnected, Dilan. Don’t call back for a while. Maybe that rep will need to take a break.)

4 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to impress the rep with your long-standing good customer profile. If you do, at best, the rep will not laugh openly in your ear. At worst, the rep will put you on speaker phone so that the rest of the reps in the calling center can have a good laugh at your expense. (Now that you think of it, Dimas, there are other outlets that might welcome your business.)

3 If you are talking with customer care, do not think the rep is qualified to solve your problem. If you do, at best, you will be confused as to why the solution is so difficult. At worst, you will end the call and give a ten out of ten rating only to find the problem is still there. (Not only is the problem still there, Dino, but now is complicated by a bill collector pounding on your door.)

2 If you are talking with customer care, do not mistakenly call another company. If you do, at best, the rep will spot the problem right away. At worst, the rep will provide excellent service to no avail when it is discovered you are not returning a John Deere tractor. (How could the customer service numbers for the two companies be so close, Dmitri? Are you sure you dialed correctly? Now give that nice person a ten-star rating. After all, you were only on the phone for an hour.)

1 If you are talking with customer care, do not call if you have anything else in the world to do. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up for the lack of time. At worst, you will continue to hang on while that doctor appointment scheduled for three hours after you started the call will go unattended. (You know in your heart that the doctor was more important than getting the right lamp, Dolphus. You just felt you were close enough to victory to hang on just a little longer. Well, the doctor is going to bill you. Better you should have tossed the lamp and ordered another one.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four-Hour Car Trip Alone

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

 

This post was published on March 26th, 2018. Since four-hour trips still happen, perhaps it will be useful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four-Hour Car Trip Alone

This list was inspired by my recent four-hour one-way trip to Galveston. I had to keep reminding myself to avoid these things, which I managed to do.

10 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to set up a new playlist on Spotify while driving. If you do, at best, you’ll take a wrong turn. At worst, you’ll get pulled over by a small-town police officer who thinks you are texting and driving. (Lucky the officer is a Dead Head and let you go after a twice run-through of “Keep on Truckin,” huh, Dawud?)

9 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not pick up hitchhikers. If you do, at best, they will be a traveling preacher. At worst, you’ll pick up Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just jogged for ten miles and tells you he thinks he needs a shower. (What gave you a clue, Daylin? Maybe the steamed-up windows or the fact that your air freshener exploded?)

8 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not continue to update the GPS system looking for a shorter route.. If you do, at best, you’ll end up at a dead-end street. At worst, after four hours, the system will route you to a point where you realize you are one state over from your destination. (Best to keep your hands off the system, Dearborn. Maybe it is time to deal with those trust issues.)

7 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not think you must pass every car on the road. If you do, at best, you get stuck behind a slow-moving truck and pass through a speed trap ten miles under the limit. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the oncoming lane with someone at your side who has the same objective. (Is he actually wearing a death’s-head mask,  Declan? Maybe you better hit the brake and get back in your lane. I know, tough decision.)

6 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to do e-mails on your phone. If you do, at best, you’ll trash the most important. At worst, you will get so engrossed that you miss the road closed sign. (Looks like you are buried in mud, Delany. Hope you have Triple-A.)

5 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not try to stay alert with copious amounts of caffeine. If you do, at best, there will be plenty of rest areas. At worst, you didn’t pay attention to the sign Last Rest Area for 100 Miles, and now you are sweating like an overworked racehorse. (Even the descriptor of racehorse brings up increased tension, Delmar. Why is all the land around you flat and lacking vegetation?)

4 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not start singing and using stage gestures along with the show tune on the radio. If you do, at best, those going the opposite way won’t call the State Police to report a crazy person behind the wheel. At worst, they will. (You passed the touch-nose test, Demitri. Now, let’s see how that straight-line walking goes.)

3 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you are safe going nine miles an hour over the speed limit. If you do, at best, you won’t see any police. At worst, you will meet a friendly State Trooper who writes up everyone who is five miles per hour over the limit. (The nice part about being caught in a small town is the folks in jail are very friendly, Derby.)

2 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you can drive and let your mind wander at the same time. If you do, at best, the rumble strips will pop you back to reality. At worst, you’ll have just solved that plot conundrum at the same time you end up in a ditch. (The sad thing is that solution flew out your very broken window when you rolled the car, Deron.)

1 If you are alone on a long trip or any trip, do not text and drive. If you do, at best, there will be no consequences. At worst, you might be in a position to regret your actions for the rest of your life, Derry.

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

 

This post ran on January 29, 2018. I think it still has some merit.

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10 If you are at a gas station, do not buy and eat anything not in a sealed bag. If you do, at best, the food will be made today. At worst, you will be lucky enough to experience emergency room procedures firsthand. (Wow, that stomach pump was a real rush huh, Dalton?)

9 If you are at a gas station, do not think you can find that forgotten birthday present. If you do, at best, your lack of attention will be noted. At worst, that mug with the 7/11 logo will be coming back to you quicker than you imagined. (Who knew how fast a mug could travel and how hard it could hit. Right, Danny? Oh, and I would put some ice on that lump if I were you.)

8 If you are at a gas station, do not think the restroom is like home. If you do, at best, you’ll just look and move on. At worst, trying to use the bathroom without touching anything might not work well. (How you fell down is still a mystery, Darren. Also, I don’t think hand sanitizer is going to be enough for your whole body.)

7 If you are at a gas station, do not be rude to the help. If you do, at best, they will let you slip. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ working there as part of his aggravated assault probation agreement, has just allowed the last rude customer to get by. (Looks like we have a straw that broke the camel’s back situation, Dane. I think I would make for the door and hope for the best.)

6 If you are at a gas station and the lines are long, do not insist on having a clerk run last year’s lotto tickets through the machine to see if you have a winner. If you do, at best, you will be told to come back when it is less busy. At worst, the people behind you will form a vigilante group and leave you tied up outside. (It seems like a drastic measure, doesn’t it? Dwane. Of course, most were grabbing some beer for the Superbowl, and kick-off was in ten minutes.)

5 If you are at a gas station, do not walk in the door in your ski mask. If you do, at best, no one will notice you since you are a customer. At worst, the guy behind the counter still has PTSD from the last robbery and has his finger on the panic alarm. (It was a little awkward explaining to the police you forgot about the mask, wasn’t it, Darrel. Now, with your hands cuffed behind your back and you on the floor, it is almost impossible.)

4 If you are at a gas station, do not fuel up and continue to puff on that cigar. If you do, at best, the wind will blow the fumes away. At worst, just when your tank is full and the automatic trigger doesn’t work, you realize there might be a massive fire. (Lucky you, Deven. You were able to toss that cigar well away. Next time, listen to me.)

3 If you are at a gas station, do not try to use the air pump. If you do, at best, it is out of order. At worst, you will feed it four quarters before you finally have enough air in your tire to limp to the tire store. (The worse part was skinning your knuckles on the rapid recoil of the hose, wasn’t it Doug?)

2 If you are at a gas station, do not ask for directions. If you do, at best, all you’ll get is a shrug. At worst, you’ll get directions that put you on county road three, which leads to the Twilight Zone. (What was it about that kid of eighteen with the wild stare that made you think he even knew where he was, let alone tell you how to get to grandma’s, Doyle?)

1 If you are at a gas station, do not ask if a mechanic is on duty. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the place. At worst, someone will pretend to be a mechanic with the result your car is now ready for auction. (All that beer and beef jerky should have told you something about their primary business, Damion.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Winning Mega Millions Ticket

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by dylan nolte on Unsplash

 

This post ran on January 8, 2018. Since there are still Mega Millions winners, it might be useful.

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This post was inspired by the fact that this week, single-winning tickets were sold for the Mega Millions and Powerball Lotto games. Since you and I don’t have to worry about how to handle these winnings, I guess this post is dedicated to those two winners of over $400 million each.

10 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not Xtweet, “Yay, I just won $400 million. If you do, at best, you’ll only have ten followers. At worst, your tweet will go viral, and you will now have a million close and personal friends. (It looks like everyone needs a loan, huh, Carmichael?)

9 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as a bodyguard. If you do, at best, you’ll have to hire another to watch Tiny. At worst, Tiny cannot resist helping himself to your winnings even though he is a graduate of an intensive self-help course for kleptomaniacs. (You should have known when he showed up at your door offering his services, Carswell.)

8 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not give a press conference on national TV. If you do, at best, it will take you hours to get home because of the traffic jam around your house. At worst, you will be asked for money every place you go since you are now well-known. (Who’s bright idea was that conference, Casimero? Oh yeah, the lotto company.)

7 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best, it might be your aunt, Mary. At worst, it will be your cousin Vinny reminding you of the five-dollar bet you had back in high school. (Vinny believes that the interest on the bet now makes it worth $500,000. Told you not to answer the phone, Cassian.)

6 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not claim your prize without consulting a tax attorney. If you do, at best, you can afford the tax hit. At worst, the new tax laws will put you in a bracket called the 110 percent bracket. (Good luck in raising the extra $4o million you owe, Caster.)

5 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not go out and buy everything on the planet. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses while there is still money left. At worst, you’ll realize too late that there is no return guarantee on yachts, planes, castles, jewelry, and art. (Now that you have all this stuff, Cavan, maybe it is time for a garage sale.)

4 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not let it out of your sight. If you do, at best, it will still be where you left it last. At worst, the ticket will ride in your shirt pocket through the wash. (Those tickets sure come out clean, don’t they, Chadburn? You would hardly know it used to be worth $400 million.)

3 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not quit work. If you do, at best, the ticket is genuine. At worst, your ticket is not the winner due to a computer error. (So much for telling the boss where he could shove your job, huh Chiko?)

2 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not forget to look both ways before crossing the street. If you do, at best, the traffic will be light. At worst, your heirs will be enjoying the fruit of your lotto win. (It’s hard to tell where that truck came from, right, Cal?)

1 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not fail to set aside some for charity. If you do, at best, you’ll be labeled a cheap skate. At worst, you won’t get a charitable deduction, and the world will be no better off having you in it. (You wonder why dogs growl and cats hiss when you come by, Scrooge?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

This post first ran on January 20, 2017. Since I’m still riding a bike, I think the advice is still good.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry; he will untie you and let you go to the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a few slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at Dead Man’s Curve seems to be a challenge right now because you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the most enormous June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now, with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Photo by Conner Baker on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on February 15th, 2015.  Reading it over convinced me that it was still relevant. I hope you have a lovely President’s Day.

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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, and this may be the only reason. I didn’t mind celebrating each separately. Of course, there have been forty-six presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. So maybe by lumping them all together after a couple of beers, we might forgive them. It can’t be ignored that President’s Day is used by mattress and car companies as an excuse to have a sale. I’m sure they are happy it exists. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it, and the tie down through your neighbor’s front window, and there will be no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness.

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree, a very disappointed person. At worst, all the gifts you bought expecting a big gift exchange will all come due as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required.

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program, which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in shock treatment.

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning due to a report on the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam.

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be a number of slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention and carry you bound and gagged to the nearest institution.

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice.

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill, not to mention the crimp in the volleyball game.

3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water, and your neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand.

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek counsel from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while placing bets on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars.

1 On President’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, some will send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments
Photo by Luke Chesser on Unsplash

 

This post was done on January 19th, 2015. I don’t think there has been an addition of time since then, so it may still be useful

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Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun, so to speak. I decided to use this situation as an inspiration for this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best, the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat, and in doing so, she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head.

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best, you will hurry the process, and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it. At worst, despite rushing the process, you have yet to get a sign of life, and because you are late and not that it matters anyway, you call the time of death about three minutes too early.

8 If you are short on time, do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, at best, you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will run out of time, and unfortunately, once you start, there is no good way to pack everything up and plan on finishing tomorrow, so your foursome will just have to find another player or go with three.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best, you might finish with several nuts and bolts left over, and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish, only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale.

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best, you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation that on your cross-country flight, you might be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy-looking pilots who signal you to follow them.

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best, they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone in potatoes. At worst, you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food, and although you try to deny it, everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have the spot.

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best, you may not be able to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the vehicle, and while commuting to work, you notice the tire passing you on the right, followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane.

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best, you will not finish, and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received, as well as the note attached to the homework reminding parents children should do their own work. ( And a PS that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue.)

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best, the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season, and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school and, for their own good, enrolls in a college in Spain.

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best, the other parent will only be a few minutes late, and no harm will be done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past the time you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center.