This post was run on March 6th, 2017. I’m assuming there are still some things that need to be taken care of before the arrival of summer. I hope you enjoy the list.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.
10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)
9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best, you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take an unplanned flight. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)
8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best, that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma. (Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof, right, Tex?)
7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military-grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)
6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best, the spot removed will be more prominent as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)
5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best, you may be surprised at how many things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick-knack shelf is clean, there may be no more knick-knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh, Ferd?)
4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best, the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled, only to let go when you turn the machine off. (Didn’t plan on starting over, did you, Bosco?)
3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best, the color will be close, and only your mother-in-law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture. (Now you have to do it twice, huh, Putz?)
2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best, you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny, the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)
1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best, you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (“Well, that was a sound investment, wasn’t it, Darling?” Yes, you just heard the most feared words in the language)
