Top Ten Things Not to Do in The Back of a Police Car

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Matt Popovich on Unsplash

 

This post was first run on March 13th, 2017. Although this is not spring break time, the advice still holds. I hope you enjoy it.

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Spring break inspires many things. There are enough police interventions during this time to be an inspiration for some stories. I picked a small segment of time and provide advice to those who find themselves behind the grid, so to speak.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in The Back of a Police Car

By John W. Howell © 2023

10 In the back of a police car, do not start a campfire thinking you need to stay warm. If you do, at best, the foam extinguisher may make your face break out. At worst, your dad will not answer your call, and the judge is remanding you over for psychological evaluation. (Looks like the cost of the car and long-term care will be on you, Pumpkin)

9 In the back of a police car, do not remove your clothes. If you do, at best, you will be asked to put them back on. At worst, in addition to all the charges so far, you have added indecent exposure. (Let’s see how this plays in the hometown paper, Bunky)

8 In the back of a police car, do not sing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. If you do, at best, you will be on key with no consequences. At worst, your performance will be videotaped and go viral showing up at every job interview background check for the next ten years. (Wonder why it’s so hard to find work, Buford?)

7 In the back of a police car, do not try to kick your way out. If you do, at best, you may sprain an ankle. At worst, the resisting arrest charge will require arm and leg restraints for every court appearance. (Nothing makes one look guilty quite as much as chains, huh, Tex?)

6 In the back of a police car, do not try hysterical crying as a method of possible release. If you do, at best, you may be locked up for your own protection. At worst, you may find yourself strapped to a gurney under observation at the local hospital. (This was not an intended result, was it, Bucky?)

5 In the back of a police car, do not think you are in a public restroom. If you do, at best, you find no place to wash up. At worst, you will notice the name tag on the officer now holding you around the neck, which reads, “Tiny.” (You didn’t know this was Tiny’s (WWF champ) favorite car did you, Slug? Now it might be a little too late.)

4 In the back of a police car, do not whine about the tight handcuffs. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worse, your cuffs will be traded out for a full straight jacket. (Makes the cuffs seem like a luxury, right, Pard?)

3 In the back of a police car, do not try to tell the officers how much of a mistake they are making in arresting you. If you do, at best, they will continue to ignore you. At worst, instead of a short ride and warning, they may personally drive you to the county jail and book you in. (Nothing like making it tougher on yourself, huh, Slick?)

2 In the back of a police car, do not wave and smile at everyone you pass. If you do, at best, no one knows who you are. At worst, unbeknownst to you, some of your parent’s friends witnessed your procession. (Those scholarship funds just aren’t going to cover all your college expenses now that you are cut off, are they, Buster?)

1 In the back of a police car, pray you don’t get sick. If you do, at best, maybe the prayer will be answered. At worst, your prayer has been ignored, and you are now faced with two angry police officers and a very messy backseat. (Tomorrow morning ought to be a beaut, huh, Roscoe?)

50 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in The Back of a Police Car”

  12. Thanks for the grins, John. 🙂 Luckily, I’ve only been in the back of a police once. I was a youngster, caught in the act of a prank. No charges were filed. They just drove me home and told my dad about it, then let him administer the punishment.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I never had the privilege of being in a police car, but after seeing every episode of Law & Order, these sound like good advice!
    Thanks for the chuckles, John.
    (Keep smilin’, even when it hurts).

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Fantastic. You two should take your show on the road. Two drink minimum. Shows at 7 & 9. Try the prime rib and remember to tip your waitress.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve yet to make the back seat of a cruiser, although I have had a couple of discussions with our finest. Only one ticket, though, and that was dismissed by a judge wearing a black and white Hawaiian print shirt and sandals. What can I say? It’s the Texas coast!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’ll tell you one thing we all do in the back of a police car (if we’re not drunk and trying to kick out the windows. What we all do in the back of a police car is speak to the cops, try to ingratiate ourselves to the cops taking us to jail. Hoping against hope that they’ll see what a swell person we really are and pull over to the side of the road and set us free with a “Go with God” blessing.

    Yup, I do it every time. You’d think I’d know better by now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it is a good plan though. You never know when it will work. A Texas trooper pulled me over and I was doing about 120 MPH in a 70 zone. He said he had me at 81. I told him I haven’t had a ticket in 40 years so I certainly deserved this one. He did write the ticket but thanked me for being so courteous. The 120 would have been jail time so I still felt okay even though he gave me a ticket.

      Liked by 1 person

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