Top Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning

~ John W. Howell
Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

 

This post was run on March 6th, 2017. I’m assuming there are still some things that need to be taken care of before the arrival of summer. I hope you enjoy the list.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best, you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take an unplanned flight. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best, that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma. (Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof, right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military-grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best, the spot removed will be more prominent as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best, you may be surprised at how many things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick-knack shelf is clean, there may be no more knick-knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh, Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best, the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled, only to let go when you turn the machine off. (Didn’t plan on starting over, did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best, the color will be close, and only your mother-in-law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture. (Now you have to do it twice, huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best, you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny, the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best, you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (“Well, that was a sound investment, wasn’t it, Darling?” Yes, you just heard the most feared words in the language)

75 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning”

  7. I remember the days when I put my stereo speakers in the window so that I could listen to music when I worked outside. We had no close neighbors at that time.

    All good advice, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Great list, John. #7 needs capitalization. When I worked at a residential university in CT, a grad student tried to clean his basement by mixing two cleaning solutions. The whole area had to be evacuated while HazMat experts worked to make the condo livable again. It was one of those “learn the hard way” experiences. 🙄

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Leaf blower in the living room?? My golly, poor Monkey would be beside himself, ha! And I can only cringe at the thought of how much dog hair the vacuum cleaner picks up every time it’s run! Still giggling, John — thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ugh… I often think I’ve messed up more than I’ve cleaned, in the process of cleaning. One day, when the “sky opens” and a large bag of cash lands on my back porch, then I’ll pay people to do all those things. I gave up wishing to win the lotto, when God told me to at least meet him halfway and buy a ticket. 😉
    Great big hug to you, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I laughed at the leaf blower. Nothing like finding alternative uses for a product. It sounds good until the gasoline or oil leaks all over the place. Try explaining that to your wife.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. There appears to be a tremor in the Force. And WP reader is having its problems too. No doubt the correcting code was thrown out mistakenly with other detritus. Clean springs are signs of a neglected garden. And it has been scientifically proven to be a cause of local shortages of philosophical fluid. Does no one hold an appreciation for winter accumulation ? Just say ‘no.’

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Talk about procrastination. You post this two days before spring expires and summer begins. I could have used this information a few months ago. So now I’ll just have to wait until next year to clean my house (can’t do spring cleaning in the summer!). But when I do get around to it, I’ll have your very good advice in hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Now you tell me about the ladder!
    After reading this list I have decided to forego spring house cleaning.
    AH, I see it’s summer. Well, no worries then. Next spring will come soon enough, and I’ll do it then!
    Fun list, John!
    OX OX OX OX

    Liked by 1 person

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