In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.combefore 6pm on Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
The photo.
Now What? By John W. Howell
“Looks like he’s out.”
“Amazing. We were just talking about him and out he went.”
“You have to understand. He is a highly-strung dog and sometimes he just needs his rest.”
“Well, what about you? Maybe we can continue the interview while he naps.”
“Up to you.”
“You could give us some background on his life.”
“Like what?”
“Where was he born and the like.”
“That I don’t know. We found him at the side of the road.”
“Ah. A rescue.”
“Not exactly.”
“What then?”
“He was hitchhiking. We stopped and asked him if he needed a ride. He jumped in the car and that was it.”
“Extraordinary story. So he’s been with you ever since.”
“Yes. We got a call from his previous owner who wanted to visit him.”
“Really. That’s odd.”
“I’m not surprised that his previous owner wanted to contact him.”
“He’s that good?”
“I’m not sure that’s it.”
“What is it then?”
“Once he takes up residence, good things happen.”
“Like what?”
“Like that Lotto win, you are here to talk about.”
“That was some win. Where did you get the ticket?”
“I really have no idea.”
“You having memory problems.”
“No. The dog bought the ticket.”
“W-what? “Is the legal?”
“Don’t see why not. He’s over twenty-one in dog years and as far as I know, the Lotto rules don’t forbid ticket sales to dogs. When he wakes I’ll let him tell you the particulars.”
“You are saying he can talk?”
“Seven languages.”
“Anything else?”
“He’s a licensed financial advisor. I’m going to need his help.”
This post was published on January 12, 2015. I think it still has merit. A little warning. If you plan to reblog this without reading it, be careful. This is a humorous look at Amazon reviews and not intended as an instructional piece. (Whew, glad I got that off my chest.) I hope you enjoy this one.
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This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there, so this includes different categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review
10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best, your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner several WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed and unnecessary use of the language. ( You, sir, are no William F. Buckley)
9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best, your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might be forced to analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a platform as Amazon reviews. (Why not start a blog?)
8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best, the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become ‘that reviewer’ who everyone scrolls through and will be so noted in the comments section (Does the term ‘Windy’ mean anything to you.)
7 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best, those who disagree will make their thoughts known, and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)
6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best, you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars. ( Your fellow geeks will love you, though)
5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on remedying a problem with the product. If you do, at best, the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with their problems and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. (Things will get ugly fast if you don’t support them)
4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or the like. If you do, at best, you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader. (Does Hashtag loser ring a bell?)
3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best, there is no way to write a review that will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself in an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public. (You might be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room)
2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best, your negative review will be the exception, and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. (Your lousy experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit)
1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone, so you need not take care of its construction. If you do, at best, all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that, by its very sloppiness, needs to be mocked to the fullest. (Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”)
Welcome to part two of the Time scavenger hunt. It is only fitting in the new year that we give time it’s due. So we will be looking for clocks number six through ten. If you missed one through five last week, go HERE. Today we are catered by Bangers Smokehouse of Austin. Our entertainment is Pink singing Time After Time.
Menu
Texas Peach Cinnamon Bun –
Layered with w/butter, cinnamon, brown sugar & house-made peach preserves. Served hot & topped w/ a cream cheese frosting.
House-cured salmon served w/ a house-made everything bagel, hard-boiled egg, cream cheese, capers, red onions, tomatoes, black pepper & sea salt.
The Corned Beef Hash Sausage Sandwich –
House-cured 6 day corned beef ground w/ potatoes. Stuffed it into a beef middle & smoked for 8 hours. Sliced, seared & put on a Martin’s potato roll. Topped w/ an egg, American cheese, sauerkraut & Russian dressing. Served w/ a side of spicy shoestring potatoes.
Sweet Potato Happy Hash –
Sweet potatoes, onions, hatch chilies & chorizo. Served w/ farm two eggs & a bacon smile.
Banger’s Bennie –
English muffin topped w/ braised pork belly, poached eggs, hollandaise sauce & spicy shoestring potatoes. Vegetarian upon request.
A proper Texas-sized breakfast! Four pancakes, two seasonal breakfast sausage links, two eggs, shoestring potatoes & a side of real maple syrup.
Smokehouse Fries w/ An Egg –
Salt & Pepper fries, smothered in cheddar, hand-pulled cheese curds & topped w/ a rotating cast of our smokehouse meats. Served w/ ranch & house barbecue sauce. And since it’s Sunday, and since we like the cut of your jib, we’ll throw a farm-raised free-range duck egg on top for you. How’s that sound?
And as always, anything on the planet that you want to drink.
There’s the bus. Let’s go.
Our first stop is a path next to the lake. I see a green trash bin up ahead.
I knew it. Clock number six.
Still, on the path by the lake, I spy a grove of trees. That is always a good place to hide something.
Sure enough. Number seven.
See that picnic bench a ways off? I’ll bet there’s one located there.
I must be clairvoyant. Number eight.
A playground is a good location.
Yup. it paid off.
There is a parking lot up ahead.
The location for this poor thing.
I hope you enjoyed the hunt and now here is Pink. Enjoy the song and the food. I hope you have a great week.
In the month of December there were holidays on Saturday. Now that the holidays are about over, it is time to pay attention to the Stream of Consciousness prompt hosted by Linda Hill. In fact, I was sitting on the back porch drinking coffee when it occurred to me that I had not seen any envelopes or boxes either from the sky or on land. The hole in the backyard from the embedded chest is finally fixed, so anything falling would not be appreciated.
Thinking no deliveries a bit odd for a Saturday, I decided to go to the front of the house in the chance something had been dropped off. It’s doubtful that it would happen without Twiggy’s alarm being tripped, but it never hurts to check. Walking out the front door a large van was blocking the driveway. Walking up to it there was a small logo just below the cab window. It took a minute but getting closer it turned out to be this.
Going around to the driver’s side I knocked on the window. There was a bit of commotion inside the van but eventually the window slowly sunk into the door. A boxing glove on the end of what looked like one of those things old folk use to pick up stuff came out at great speed. Ducking away from the blow I was able to grab the note stuck to the glove. Here is what it said.
Your prompt for #JusJoJan and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “In the.” Start your post with the words “In the” – that’s the prompt! Enjoy!
As I finished reading the note a huge anvil from above buried itself in the street right behind me.
Today’s good news is about an endangered species in Scotland.
This story appeared on the Good News Network and is duplicated here in its entirety.
A man who found a tiny kitten buried in snow thought it was a lost cat—only to find it was one of the most endangered mammals in Europe.
SWNS
32-year-old chef Pete MacNab was out for a walk in Scotland’s Cairngorms National Park with his baby son and a friend.
They spotted a group of sheep circling something. As they drew closer, the animals scattered, revealing a tiny tabby kitten lying in the snow in rural Dava Way.
SWNS
The feline was unable to get on its feet. It looked freezing and its coat was all matted with snow. Not wanting to leave the creature in difficulty, Pete’s friend, Piotr, carried it the three miles back to town. He noted its claws were like “miniature razors,” and the pair joked that the little creature must be a Scottish wildcat: a rare species known to live in the Highlands.
After it was left at the vets on Wednesday, Pete began posting on local Facebook groups but no owner came forward.
Piotr and his partner began planning to get a cat bed and re-home the kitten—which they’d named Huntleigh.
But, the following day, the vet confirmed a specialist had in fact identified the wee tabby as a Scottish wildcat.
There are only around 100 to 300 of the species left. The only wild member of the cat family in the UK, it’s also one of the most endangered mammals in Europe.
Because of their bond with the kitty, Peter and Piotr have since begun a fundraiser to raise money for a charity helping other wildcats—which has raised more than £5,000 ($6,800) so far.
SWNS
Peter’s now been contacted by the Royal Zoological Society, which is part of the breeding program, to say the campaign has happily boosted their fundraising, too.
If you’d like to donate to the GoFundMe these friends have started on behalf of Huntleigh, just head to this link.
The Good News here is money is being raised as a result of finding and rescuing one little kitten that will go to help restore the endangered species.
Today’s JohnKu talks about accidental discovery that leads to great things. I hope you have a great weekend.
“Well, Little One, it sure is a lot warmer this morning.”
“You can say that again. I hate those cold temperatures.”
“Yeah, I do too. I wonder if any plants were hurt with the freeze.”
“Freeze? What do you mean?”
“When the temperature goes below 32 degrees Fahrenheit or zero Celsius, it is called a freeze since that is the temperature that water goes from liquid to solid.”
“Oh, like Frozen the movie. Why are these plants on the porch?”
“Mom pulls them up and covers them. They don’t do well in a freeze.”
“What happens to them?”
“Too cold, and they die. Where you going?”
“I think I left my green stick out here. I hope it didn’t get frozen.”
“Don’t worry about your green stick. It doesn’t get hurt by the freeze.”
“No, wait. I think I left it inside.”
“Well, if you did, then it is safe.”
“I better check and make sure.”
“For heaven’s sake, Twiggy. It’s fine.”
“Where are you going?”
“To check the patio plants.”
‘I want to see them too.”
“What a surprise.”
“Uh oh. Looks like the potato vines took a hit.”
“Lemme ask Dad. Hey Dad, will they come back?”
“Sadly no, Twiggy. But they only live in the summer. So it was time for them to say goodbye.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well. Let’s see if this will help. All living things have a certain amount of time allocated to them. When that time is finished, they have to move on.”
“What about green stick? How much time do I have with green stick?”
“Using this photo ( below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.combefore 6pm on Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
“You’re looking out a window. Everything beyond the window is part of the world.”
“That might be true, but it doesn’t mean it’s real.”
“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me we are going to get caught in a semantics loop?”
“I don’t even know what that is. All I’m saying is just because there is stuff beyond the window doesn’t mean that stuff is real. Look now. It all changed.”
“That’s because we are moving.”
“Moving? What kind of insanity is that?”
“I don’t want to break this to you too hard, but we are on a train.”
“Since when?”
“Last night, we boarded a train.”
“Where was I?”
“Oh my gosh. You were on the end of your leash. You got on the train. We all went to sleep, and here we are.”
“Look at that. It looks like a big city.”
“Yes, it is. We need to go through the city to get to the seashore.”
“Seashore? We going to the seashore?”
“We sure are.”
“Oh boy. I love the seashore.”
“I know you do. That’s why we are going.”
“Where?”
“To the sea— Hold on. Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m just messing with you. I can’t wait until we get there.”
“We should be there tonight.”
“All those smells. The crabs and birds. The sand and sun.”
“You believe it is real then?”
“The seashore?”
“Yes.”
“Of course. It’s just looking out this window that doesn’t look real.”
This list was published on January 6th, 2015. It looks like nothing has changed in seven years, so I hope you enjoy it.
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This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know. Why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.
Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.
10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best, you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury. ) Or even worse when you fall on your returns which are glass Christmas ornaments)
9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best, you will take precious time to find it causing your linemates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line. (You do raise the possibility that they might just pass away from old age before getting to the front of the line)
8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best, you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person in front of you will take exception to your sigh. (You may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles)
7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best, you will waste your and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college. (He just might figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy)
6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best, you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store, undoubtedly leading to your arrest. ( If not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital )
5 If you plan to go to customer service, do not finish that Big 32 oz cup of soda before arriving. If you do, at best, you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful in having someone hold your place. (You now have a choice to lose your place in line or gross out the entire store )
4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best, you will lose your place in line. At worst, you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. ( Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter )
3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best, you will calculate the delay to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours, the result will be more hours than the store is open. (This will cause a feeling of panic, which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and you are supposed to be somewhere else )
2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best, you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery that was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (It is an excellent forgery, though)
1 Once you have finished with the customer service clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best, you will have the clerk yelling, “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move, which might lead to several older people being pushed down. (Those folks are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries, and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special, which now looks like it may expire too.)
I am at Story Empire today talking about goals. Go HERE if you are curious.
For the new year, it seems appropriate to concentrate on time. Today we are going on another scavenger hunt sponsored by the City of Lakeway Parks and Recreation. There are ten clocks, so we will try to find five today. Since we will be outside, it is a good idea to have a lovely catered brunch. Today that will be from Eastside Tavern in Austin. We also have Chicago back again.
Menu
Brisket + Cheddar Tater Tots
Topped with Scallions, Served with Chipotle Aioli
Load it up with Beans, Cheese, Sour Cream & Salsa Verde
Turkey Avocado Toast
Served with Avocado Spread, Cold Sliced Turkey, Soft Boiled Egg, Tomato and Radish
