Editing is as Editing Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

edit

Here we are to Wednesday and like I have been doing for a week I am still editing my second book. There is still no word on launch date on the first from the publisher. I continue to press to finish the next novel and hopefully I will be ready to market the first without having to worry about what is going to follow.

Like most of us know, the editing process is filled with pain, amazement and sometimes downright embarrassment. When I come across a pleasing line I am always amazed that I actually wrote it. The embarrassment comes in when a line has obvious faults or blazing amateur signals. It is a blessing that the mistake was caught but then the pain of doubt creeps in. “How many others did I miss?” is the question of the moment.

Here is a conversation I had with myself on Monday.

“WTF John. You know that dialog tag doesn’t work.”

“What do you mean? You think putting “he asks with a puzzled look on his face,” after a question is wrong?”

“Wrong has nothing to do with it. You look like a third grader. The question mark is enough. The rest can go into a sentence.”

“Good point. It does look silly.”

“Also that so-called prose written about your character discussions should be dialog.”

“You mean relating what two people said to each other should be in the form of dialog and not a description even though my descriptions are glorious.”

“Duh. Your readers will fall asleep on that crap. If not they will skip the part and lose some pretty impactful interaction by your characters.”

“You are right. I have a number of these and it can get a little boring.”

“Dump the deep character descriptions as well. Let your readers get an image of the characters in their mind by relating to what they do not how they look.”

“You are starting to question all my meticulous character development?”

“No I am telling you to develop them in action not literary pap. What is up with that mirror description anyway?”

So it went on and on. I wonder sometimes why I do all the bad things that I know are out-of-place, clumsy and often confusing. I put it down to an evil hack trying to get out and take over. That could be another discussion for another blog, but for now I’ll just keep editing while I tear my face off.

Happy Wednesday all.

Ten No No’s is as Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Since a lot of us share in the fantasy of becoming a world famous author, here is the Thirteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

Huckleberry_Finn_book

Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel

10. If you are writing the great American novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.

9.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.

8.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.

7.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “how you knew that,” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “why haven’t we done that?”

6.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you a number of stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book as if it is as easy as saying.

5.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue but you might be in a position to need new clothes beyond your tattered trusted terry cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.

4.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all you.

3.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as world-famous author you can do it.

2.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not suspend normal hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avert unusual questions not to mention a threat of intervention from loved ones.

1.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least it was you who had the faith to get there.

 

 

Weekend Haiku is as Weekend Haiku Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

weekend

When I was working in organized commerce, I used to look so forward to the weekends. This was a time for family and to forget for a while the pressures back at work. Now that I am pretty much liberated to work twenty-four seven on my own stuff, the appeal of Friday does not have the same cachet. Yes it is nice to put in a full week and try to take some reward for that, but as a writer there never seem to be the opportunity to simply get away. Ideas keep popping up, text needs editing, and other writers need to be paid attention. So although I would like to look forward to a defining day like Friday it just is not in the cards right now. I do remember the sweetness of finishing the week and so I wrote the Haiku in honor of the weekend.

The weekend by John W. Howell ©2013

Friday is so far,

Never seems to come too fast . . .

Monday, like the wind.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the Twelfth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Little league

Top Ten Things Not To Do at a Little League Game

10.  When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in.  Chances are the coaches are the real experts and the advice you try to give them will, if you are lucky, fall on deaf ears; if not lucky you might be told to butt out.

9.  When at a little league game, do not presume to call out penalties as if you were the referee unless you are prepared for the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team to call you out and off the field.

8.  When at a little league game, do not assume the game is just a pint-size version of an adult game where gambling is commonplace.  Chances are the other parents will not take kindly to you placing bets on their kids’ losing, and you could be tossed out of the game minus your ante.

7.  When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school, especially if you’ve been out of high school for many, many years.  Chances are you’ll rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench, your kids will fumble the play from sheer embarrassment, and your spouse will impose a new diet on you starting that night.

6.  When at a little league game, do now show up toting your own keg of beer.  Chances are the BYOB you saw in the flyer advertising the game meant “Bring Your Own Ball,” not “Bring Your Own Beer.”

5.  When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid.  Chances are your kid will be too busy trying to play the game and not see to warn you that the ball just tossed is headed straight for your stomach.

4.  When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smart phone when in fact you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates.  Chances are the parents nearest you will see what you are up to and might use your phone for a spontaneous game of catch.

3.  When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream unless you own a Greyhound bus, the ice cream stand, or your name is Warren Buffet.

2.  When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game.  Chances are, if you attempt to do splits in the air, you’ll wind up dislocating your hips, an ambulance will have to be called, the game will be over, and your kids will never speak to you again.

1.  When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team.  Chances are their parents will hear you, their parents will be bigger than you, and when they come to beat you up, no one will protect you because yelling at kids is just wrong.

Non-Activity is as Non-Activity Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Activity diagram

I received a comment on a post celebrating looking forward to the end of the week. The comment was basically about non-activity. Non-activity being defined as something you do that could be considered nothing. This is not to be confused with wasting time since wasting time is an actual activity. Have I lost you yet? Well, in case I have, let me give you an example. Sleeping is a non-activity. It is something you do, but can’t really point to the event as if it were an accomplishment. The exception is, of course all the insomniacs who finally drop off to sleep.

So with that example, here is a list of some non-activities. You may have some you can add. If so go ahead and drop a comment below.

Non-activities:

  1. Remaining on hold while the service technician solves the problems of other customers. You have all been there. You dial customer service and then are told by a recording that other customers are more important than you. The excuse is that all calls are handled in the order that they are received. You really believe this? Somewhere a non-activity director believes you need some non-activity and so *plunk* there you are.
  2. Waiting in line to order a high-priced coffee drink from some stuck up, snot nosed barista who actually think they are a professional. I can’t think of a better non-activity than to take an already fragile and low self-esteem profile and squeeze it through the key hole of rudeness that is the hallmark of so many places today. If your self-esteem profile was high; you would tell the place and the snot nosed barista to shove it, rather than wait ten minutes for a legal beverage.
  3. Sitting in the waiting room of a car dealer waiting for them to finish fixing something on your car that should not have broken in the first place. You get the picture. All those magazines on auto mechanics, tires and cars lying around with no covers and the coffee machine with the out-of-order sign. You were told the repair would take just a few minutes by a big ol boy named Roy, but it has been over an hour and a half. If you are really lucky you will be sharing the waiting room space with a toddler who running back and forth screaming while coughing with the sound you last heard while in the Peace Corps serving in Calcutta. The final non-activity curse is the Wi-Fi is password protected and no one knows the password.
  4. Waiting for a replacement aircraft to be put into service so your flight that has been delayed for three hours can finally take off. This is another of the conundrum type of non-activity events that cause you to wonder who is running the Earth. Yes the aircraft you were scheduled to take needed to be replaced since a critical part is malfunctioning. The key question is “why the hell does it take three hours to find another aircraft that is working?” Don’t think about the fact that maybe the same part is going out at the same time on all the aircraft of this particular airline. Just concentrate on the non-activity. Sit and try not to scream.
  5. Waiting for the results of tests to come back. This one affects us all. It doesn’t matter the test; medical, academic, drug, driving either. We all have that period of time where life is almost impossible to go on normally until the results are known. We tend to be semi-frozen in a state of non-activity since we don’t want to proceed with plans until the test results are in. Once the results are known good or bad, then we can pick up and continue our lives with the new information. The non-activity director relishes the disruptive factor of test results.

Well those are a few of the non-activities that came to my mind. Maybe you can add some more. Have a great weekend.

 

Talk is as Talk Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 4 Comments

wepoet-showcased-badge-croppedwepoetsshowit  just published one of my stories on their Debut Writer feature. It is a lovely blog that is certainly worth a visit. All week they have special features on poetry, the arts and an open mic segment. Their blog has a calendar which you can click on and view the up and coming daily events. Since this blog is designed to feature the work of the artistic community you  may want to look at the submission policy. Thank you wepoetsshowit for the opportunity. So here is the story:

Talk by John W. Howell

“So the guy says to me ‘what the hell do you think you’re doing?’ I just look at him and smile.”

“Then what happens?”

“I take him by the arm and walk him over to the trash can. I make him look into the can and then I say, ‘does that look like yours?’”

“I’ll bet he is shitting his pants by then.”

“Oh yeah. I can feel him shaking just by holding his arm.”

“So what then?”

“He tells me he has never seen the bag before and I call him a liar. I place the barrel of the cold gun against his temple and whisper that he better tell me the truth. I squeeze his arm for effect just to make sure he knows I mean it”

“Did he spill his guts then?”

“Naw he keeps insisting he has never seen the bag before. I tell him to pull the bag out of the can which he does.”

“Do you make him open it?”

“Yeah, I tell him to undo the latch.”

“He has the key right?”

“He still says he has no idea how to open the bag so I hit him with the butt of the pistol.”

“Woo. I’ll bet that hurt.”

“He starts bleeding like a stuck pig. I had to give him my handkerchief to stop it.”

“Why did you do that?”

“The main reason is I didn’t want any of his blood on me. You never know these days what some of these assholes are carrying. He could have aids for god’s sake.”

“Yeah I guess that was the smart thing to do. What happened then?”

“I told him to get on his knees and pray since this might be the last few minutes that he would be alive.”

“No shit you told him that?”

“Yeah and then I put the gun barrel on the back of his head and asked him one more time to open the bag.”

“Did he open it?”

“Naw he just started crying and begging me to let him go.”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Let him go?”

“Hell no. I pulled the trigger and he hit the ground like I had hit him with a two by four.”

“Oh my god. I can’t believe it. Why?”

“I told him I was going to kill him if he didn’t open the bag. I am a man of my word.”

“Unbelievable. My god you killed a man. Where is the bag now?”

“Right here. Take a look.”

“What is that mess on it?”

“I would say some blood and a little brain.”

“Ew. That is too disgusting.”

“So why don’t you open it.”

“What do you mean? Open it.”

“Just as I said. Open it. You were the one who mentioned the key. Only the owner of the bag would know there is a key needed.”

“I..I don’t know what you mean.”

“Open the bag or I will kill you.”

“Come on. Quit screwing around. You know I don’t have a key.”

“I don’t know any such thing. You were the one who pointed out the guy and said he had dumped the bag in the trash can. You sent me there to get the bag thinking I would just pick it up. All along it was you who threw the bag in the can right?”

“Yes okay I was the one who threw the bag in the can.”

“Why?”

“The bag is filled with diamonds that I took from work.”

“You took diamonds from work. Why?”

“I was going to recover them and pick up a reward.”

“You were the one who took the diamonds and you wanted me to get caught with them?  That guy was a cop and you knew that. He was supposed to arrest me when I picked up the bag. You didn’t think I was going to go after the guy did you? ”

“N-no I didn’t.”

“Now it is too late. The cop is dead and all we have left is a bag of diamonds.”

“Ten million dollars’ worth of diamonds.”

“What?”

“I am the only one who can get rid of them. They will be hotter than hell tomorrow.”

“Why not just turn them in for the reward?”

“It’s too late. There is no one to blame for taking them but me.”

“That would be okay as far as I am concerned.”

“Yeah but I would have to do hard time.”

“That wouldn’t bother me.”

“What are you doing?”

“Looks like I am screwing a silencer on this very loud pistol to me.”

“Don’t kid around like this.”

“I never kid. By the way, you never opened the bag. Bye now.”

© 2013 John W. Howell, all rights reserved

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

camel

 

I don’t know if you have seen the commercial where the camel wanders around an office asking various workers, “What day is it?” Finally one of the staff mumbles, “its Hump Day.” The camel is very happy to be a visible part of what has become the second most important work day of the week. For those of you who defected to Red China during the Korean War and have just come back, let me make sure you know the meaning of Hump Day.  Hump Day is the arrival of the day where one has survived two days of work which could be considered the uphill phase of the week. The downhill phase, being the last two days of the week; doesn’t start until Hump Day is over. For the folks who work a traditional Monday through Friday routine, Hump Day is Wednesday. For all others it is the day that separates the beginning of the work week from that downhill slide to the days off time.  If you work seven days a week or are a writer this is all theory and really doesn’t exist for you.

What makes Hump Day so special? Well it’s like you are on a journey, you finally get to the point of no return and the next major milestone is the destination. The fact that your destination is closer than your point of departure makes it almost appear as if you will actually get there. How many times have we heard a child ask, “are we there yet?” when the trip is only minutes old. It is the same with the work week. Monday begins the journey to Friday. The destination is Saturday and on Monday it seems like getting there is about as possible as walking to Europe from the United States or vice versa. So when the workers of the world reach Wednesday and they are still viable; the prospect of reaching Friday has an exponential increase in odds. The odds increase so much that the day itself becomes a cause for celebration. It is sort of like celebrating being on a like raft when a ship sinks. You are not completely safe but a hell of a lot safer than when the whole mess started.

Since this is Wednesday I wrote a little Haiku that I hope captures the essence of the feeling for getting this far in the week.

Hump Day by John W. Howell ©2013

Hump day is a hill,

Successfully climbed after much trial . . .

Coasting down till Friday

Happy Hump Day.