This post ran on January 15th, 2018. Since people still visit cities, it may be helpful.
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The inspiration for this post was thinking about supercities and possibly taking tours of them. These tours are not necessarily guided but just touring in general.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour
10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best, people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly. (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand, right? Cnute?)
9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as your tour guide. If you do, at best, your only tour stop will be Gold’s Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights, did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter, because all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)
8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, you will hear no click, and at worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)
7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best, someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you will be the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose will have just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)
6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best, you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here, that is a big no-no.)
5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best, you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)
4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or draw attention to yourself in other ways. If you do, at best, the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out, huh, Christiano?)
3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator, unless you know the people well. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel. (Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well, one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)
2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best, someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married, which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn, since no one has passed away. Good luck.)
1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best, someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)
The machine diligently produces the mind-saving elixir that is the legal import of Columbia. The beans are ground, tamped, and scalded with boiling water to give me what I need most: that first cup of coffee. With it in hand, the clock is set to March 16th, 1924. The location is the port city of Fiume on the Adriatic Sea, and the time is set for two hours. The plunger is pulled, and we are there.
