Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station

~ John W. Howell

 

This post ran on January 29, 2018. I think it still has some merit.

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10 If you are at a gas station, do not buy and eat anything not in a sealed bag. If you do, at best, the food will be made today. At worst, you will be lucky enough to experience emergency room procedures firsthand. (Wow, that stomach pump was a real rush huh, Dalton?)

9 If you are at a gas station, do not think you can find that forgotten birthday present. If you do, at best, your lack of attention will be noted. At worst, that mug with the 7/11 logo will be coming back to you quicker than you imagined. (Who knew how fast a mug could travel and how hard it could hit. Right, Danny? Oh, and I would put some ice on that lump if I were you.)

8 If you are at a gas station, do not think the restroom is like home. If you do, at best, you’ll just look and move on. At worst, trying to use the bathroom without touching anything might not work well. (How you fell down is still a mystery, Darren. Also, I don’t think hand sanitizer is going to be enough for your whole body.)

7 If you are at a gas station, do not be rude to the help. If you do, at best, they will let you slip. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ working there as part of his aggravated assault probation agreement, has just allowed the last rude customer to get by. (Looks like we have a straw that broke the camel’s back situation, Dane. I think I would make for the door and hope for the best.)

6 If you are at a gas station and the lines are long, do not insist on having a clerk run last year’s lotto tickets through the machine to see if you have a winner. If you do, at best, you will be told to come back when it is less busy. At worst, the people behind you will form a vigilante group and leave you tied up outside. (It seems like a drastic measure, doesn’t it? Dwane. Of course, most were grabbing some beer for the Superbowl, and kick-off was in ten minutes.)

5 If you are at a gas station, do not walk in the door in your ski mask. If you do, at best, no one will notice you since you are a customer. At worst, the guy behind the counter still has PTSD from the last robbery and has his finger on the panic alarm. (It was a little awkward explaining to the police you forgot about the mask, wasn’t it, Darrel. Now, with your hands cuffed behind your back and you on the floor, it is almost impossible.)

4 If you are at a gas station, do not fuel up and continue to puff on that cigar. If you do, at best, the wind will blow the fumes away. At worst, just when your tank is full and the automatic trigger doesn’t work, you realize there might be a massive fire. (Lucky you, Deven. You were able to toss that cigar well away. Next time, listen to me.)

3 If you are at a gas station, do not try to use the air pump. If you do, at best, it is out of order. At worst, you will feed it four quarters before you finally have enough air in your tire to limp to the tire store. (The worse part was skinning your knuckles on the rapid recoil of the hose, wasn’t it Doug?)

2 If you are at a gas station, do not ask for directions. If you do, at best, all you’ll get is a shrug. At worst, you’ll get directions that put you on county road three, which leads to the Twilight Zone. (What was it about that kid of eighteen with the wild stare that made you think he even knew where he was, let alone tell you how to get to grandma’s, Doyle?)

1 If you are at a gas station, do not ask if a mechanic is on duty. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the place. At worst, someone will pretend to be a mechanic with the result your car is now ready for auction. (All that beer and beef jerky should have told you something about their primary business, Damion.)

82 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station”

  1. This may be your best ever — at least, it’s filled with little truths I’ve learned along the way. Just yesterday I asked for directions in a unfamiliar town to a spot the town is famous for. Three young clerks, three blank stares. At least none of them were wild-eyed.

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  3. Speaking of puffing on a stogie whilst pumping gas, I spotted an ass hat smoking a cigarette at the pump yesterday. All I could think was, if this is how it ends, I’m gonna find that dumbass when we get wherever we’re going!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great list, John, with plenty of chuckles. I love your photo. I live in the country and such signs dot the roads. It’s best to heed the warnings. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Well unless you’re at a Buc-ee’s (the first one in Colorado just opened in the Greeley area with 116 gas pumps and 70,000 sq. feet of retail space). Best fudge I’ve ever had was at the Buc-ees in Katy, TX. And with an entire wall of jerky of every flavor imaginable, it’s ok to eat there. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That Katy location was too much fun to check out. I’m sure I missed a good portion of the store since we were headed toward Austin. I probably won’t be headed north to the Colorado location but I know people lined up to get in the day before! I’m thinking they could have been relocated Texans. LOL

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  12. I buy all my wife’s presents at my local Shell station. Not a bad place to shop and reasonable prices. Married 56 years. Sometimes I take her to dinner there too. Half price hot dogs after 7 pm.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. These are all great, John, especially the one about not eating anything in a sealed packet (how long have those tortillas been sitting there?) and the air hose warning. Finding an air hose is getting difficult, too!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Spot on–every one of these! What kills me are the ones that pull in to get gas and then stay parked at the pump while the kids use the restroom, the wife decides to get a flavored coffee, and hubby decides cruising the snack aisle is a good thing. Move your darn car, Dilbert!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I can remember — long before GPS! — pulling into a gas station to ask for directions … and never really understanding the clerk or his/her directions. Yep, this is a great list, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. After a snow storm – once the sun was back out – I actually found myself walking into a convenience store once I filled up the gas tank…still being in a full ski mask…with sun glasses on. The looks I got were priceless, and made me realize I very much needed to “adjust” my look to make everyone there more comfortable.🙂

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  29. 😂👍🏻 I’ve been pumping gas since I bought my first car at 18. Never too old to learn! One of the many things I love about visiting my daughter in the Pacific NW is the full-service attendants, however a bill was signed last year that lifted the ban on self-service stations.

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  31. Great pic to go with the post.

    There was a time when gas stations (or petrol pumps as they are called in India) had signs asking you to keep your mobile phone switched off. Probably made customers like me feel like James Bond…just whip out my mobile, press a button, and see the underground petrol bunk go up in a spectacular flame.

    But we are back to being the boring us now as those signs have vanished.

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