Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

March 4, 2024March 3, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

This post ran on February 23, 2015, but I think it will still be helpful should you ever get nominated for an Oscar.

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Since next Sunday is the Oscar ceremony, I thought it would be nice to provide all of you Oscar nominees (You know, Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seatmate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do, at best, the bleep and commentators’ comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FCC will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on-air decency, along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.

9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best, you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so fast the network cannot eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family, including great grandpa Jerkins, who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.

8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you must thank. If you do, at best, you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list, and they will hate you forever.

7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present a category, make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t, at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two, and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.

6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best, you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today Show website for a year.

5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best, you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now. (no typos here, all intended) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve-step program.

4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Will Smith will be at all entertained with any Chris Rock mentions. If you mention the unfortunate slap, at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.

3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best, most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the Stephen Colbert show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me, no one is laughing with you)

2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hairstyle will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best, your hairstyle will be a topic on the following “What not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer, only to find out later they park the cars.

1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best, the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth, making you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.

Views of the Neighborhood – Deer Repellent

March 3, 2024March 2, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

Many of you have asked how our community can grow plants with the number of deer we have wandering around. I answered that most residents know not to plant anything that the deer like to eat where they can get to them. There are always exceptions to every rule, so today, we will visit those folks who still plant luscious treats for the deer to eat. Oh, they try to keep the plants protected, but it seems like such a futile endeavor when plenty of things look good but are not deer favorites. We are catered by Perrfy’s Steakhouse of Austin. Our entertainment is The Grass Roots.

Get on the bus.

Here’s a whole bed of groundcover plantings screened in.

To the left are roses, which are a gourmet item for deer.

More screening around various plants

Use of a downspout pipe to protect the tree.

Hard to see, but there is a little stick of a tree being guarded by iron and wire (and a little rope)

Screen wire and metal posts.

This one looks like it is a squirrel deflector.

A little hard to see, but virtually every plant is surrounded by screening.

Here is an anomaly. A juniper planting surrounded by fencing. (Deer don’t eat Junipers)

Here are plants surrounded by wire and then strung with electric lights. Notice the deer resting by them.

Here is a fig tree with a substantial wire surround.

That is the conclusion of our tour. Sit back and enjoy the music and food. I hope you have a terrific week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Clump

March 2, 2024March 1, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

The machine is on it today. One cup of relief in less than twenty seconds. Has to be an all-time record. Knocking down a clump in the sugar and a spoon to the java it is now time for a sip. The brain has cleared enough to consider the clock. It is set for March 1, 1924. The location is Nixon, New Jersey. The duration is two hours. The plunger is pulled, and we are standing in an area that no longer exists.

Nixon, New Jersey, is the site of the Nixon Nitration Works Disaster. An explosion of Ammonium Nitrate destroyed several square miles of New Jersey factories and killed 18 people with two missing and 100 injured. The scene is complete devastation, and the town of Nixon no longer exists.

The explosion destroyed one building initially and then spread through fire to 40 others. The explosion was heard as far away as New York City. The cause is believed to be a small clump of TNT left in the Ammonium Nitrate that was extracted from WWI artillery shells for reuse as furtilizer. With that knowledge, the alarm goes off and the couch is an acceptable shelter from the smoke. Of course, there is a text from Linda Hill. It reads; .Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “clump.” Use it as a noun or a verb. Have fun!

If you would like to see how other bloggers handled the prompt visit Linda’s post. Here is the link https://lindaghill.com/2024/03/01/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-2-2024/

“You know your readers are going to revolt with those one word prompts hidden in the text.”

“They are the best people on the planet. They are okay with it. Besides there are two this week.”

“Yeah hidden in the aftermath of the Nixon explosion.”

“That was a terrible thing.”

“It is good to remember stuff like that. Did the town rebuild?”

“Yup but they voted to rename it Edison.”

“Why is the Nixon name familiar?”

“Lewis Nixon III was a highly decorated WWII airborne combat officer veteran and included in the book Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose. After the war he returned and joined the family company which was Nixon Nitration Works. The book was made into an HBO mini-series with Ron Livingston playing Lewis.”

“That sounds terrific but I was thinking of Richard Nixon.”

“Yeah, I can’t help you get out of that clump of bushes.”

“What bushes?”

“Never mind. All this time travel has me needing a Voo Doo Ranger.”

“Uber is waiting over there.”

“Where? All I see is a mess of a truck. Oh no.”

“Yup. Quite the classic.”

“Classic what?”

“Classic Ford 3/4 ton flatbed.”

“Don’t even suggest we are riding in the back.”

“No we have a girl my lord from Winslow Arizonia.”

“She’s our uber driver?”

“Yup and she’s slowed down to take a look at us.”

“I think you have lost it. Lucky there’s room for three up front.”

“Dibs on the middle.”

“Why does that not surprise me?”

“Okay let’s go.”

“Think she has a disk player?”

“You rented it. You should you know.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – FRI-Yay/Good News

March 1, 2024February 29, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Today’s story is from the Good News Network. Except for some grammar changes here is the story in its entireity.

Village Saves 45,000 Toads From Roadway Deaths, Cutting Casualties By 60%—All the Way Down to 3% Rate

By Andy Corbley Feb 29, 2024

Dispersed around the UK, hundreds of heroic volunteers soak themselves to the skin on early spring nights in order to save toads, frogs, and newts from being squished under the tires of passing cars.

This network of volunteer societies is literally transforming England by slowly walking across dark asphalt with a high-beam flashlight and a high-visibility jacket, picking up amphibians and dropping them into a bucket for safe transport across the road.

They are reducing the toll of roadkill on local amphibian populations by enormous amounts and ensuring they can keep up their valuable ecosystem services like keeping insect populations in check and filling the spring air with their soft croaking songs.

If you don’t live in a wet or rain-prone area, and you’ve never been on the road during frog/toad mating season, you might think, “How hard is it to just avoid running them over?” But it’s not that simple, for starters, because they can gather in such numbers that swerving to avoid one puts your tires on another, and small frogs and newts look just like leaves and twigs on the dark tarmac through a rain-splattered windshield.

Last year, England’s 203 amphibian rescue groups saved at least 115,000 animals from roads.

The Guardian’s Adrian Sherratt went out one night with Charlcombe Toad Rescue near the ancient city of Bath to photograph and participate in a rainy night’s rescue operations.

This group has brought the number of amphibian deaths from road crossings down to 3% from 60%. When you think that in March, hundreds of mama toads and frogs cross the street with bellies full of eggs, that equates to the survival of thousands of animals.

Bath is renowned for wet areas and hot springs, and frogs and toads need to reach these bodies of water to mate or lay eggs. But being a well-developed area, it involves crossing a lot of roads.

“I find it very emotional, actually,” said Angela, a Charlcombe volunteer. “And it becomes more emotional as you do it. You see a creature that’s so vulnerable just sitting there, and you can see it’s pregnant and bulging with babies. You want them to have a fighting chance of making it to their breeding grounds.”

Charlcombe has been active during the breeding seasons since 2003 and has saved over 40,000 animals from roads. There is a waiting list to join the 50 or so volunteers needed for the operation, which also crowdfunds a £1,500 sum to pay for the main road to be closed during the breeding season.

Froglife is a charity that coordinates the mass data collection that these efforts generate. They also help connect those desiring to volunteer with toad patrols in their area.

On that note, there are dozens and dozens of toad patrol groups that need new members, particularly in Cheshire, Lancashire, and the Isle of Wight.

Today’s JohnKu applauds there volunteers. I hope you have a safe and enjoyable weekend.

Frogs, toads, newts, oh my,

Such lowly creatures and yet . . .

There are folks who care.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy’s Ball

February 29, 2024February 27, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 137 Comments

“You in the mood to play ball?”

“It’s way over there.”

“That’s a whole three feet away.”

“Really? I thought it was closer.”

“For heaven’s sake, it is almost next to you.”

“Well, it just seems like it is not friendly.”

“What’s not friendly about it.”

“Seems standoffish to me.”

“It is a ball, not another dog.”

“Yeah, well, I wish it were.

“Okay, there. Mr. Ball, meet Twiggy.”

“I think you take things too far sometimes, Dad.”

“You implied that the ball was standoffish. I just wanted you two to become acquainted.”

“Okay, I get it. Nice to meet you, Mr. Ball. You have an Instagram handle?”

I’ll throw you the ball. This will make it more active.”

“Now I think you are getting somewhere. A little interactiveness. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“There you go. Be careful it’s going to bounce.”

“I have my eye on it.”

Whoa. It took a mighty bounce.”

“Not too far for me, though. I got it.”

“Want to go again?”

“I sure do. I love to play catch.

“This time, I’ll toss it far.”

“And the doggie will run it down.”

Guest post – Mae Clair – The Keeping Place #newbook

February 28, 2024February 27, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 106 Comments

I’m very pleased to have the very talented author Mae Clair as a guest. She has a new book and would like to give you the details. If you have read Mae’s work, you know her books are wonderful. If you have not read her work, this might be a good time to start. Thanks for the visit, Mae. The post is yours.

Hi, John! Thank you so much for hosting me on your blog today. I’m delighted to be here, sharing my upcoming release The Keeping Place, a dual timeline mystery which is now available for pre-order! Most readers know me as someone who loves weaving urban legends and threads of the supernatural into my stories. The Keeping Place took an entirely different turn.

Well… there is a small thread that does involve an old town legend and a ghost, but nothing that takes center stage as in my other books. The story is more of a “quiet” mystery than I usually write.

In the tale, Nicole Seabrooke returns home after ten years of estrangement from her mother, Glory Larkin, who was once a B-movie-actress. A decade earlier, Nicole’s younger sister, Janie, vanished on a night Nicole was supposed to be looking after her. It’s always been believed Janie drowned in a nearby creek, but Janie’s remains have recently been discovered with new evidence suggesting homicide.

In the excerpt below, Jude Beck, Hornwood’s Chief of Police visits Glory and Nicole to ask about a bracelet he found which bears an unusual inscription. Janie wore a similar one.

EXCERPT:

Jude dug a clear bag from his pocket, placing it on the table. Nicole leaned forward to eye the contents—an old bracelet with tarnished silver links and an engraved plate. Her breath caught when the inscription registered.

“A foot in the past.” A stupid saying, or so she’d once thought. The phrase had never made sense to her, but it mattered to her sister. Heart thudding, she looked from the bag to Jude. “That’s the same line Janie had on her bracelet. I took her to Bottleneck to have it inscribed a few weeks before she went missing.”

Her mom made a soft sound, one trembling hand pressed to her lips. “You told me the bracelet was with Janie when she was found,” she said to Jude.

“It was. This is a different one.”

“Belonging to Hayden.” A hard edge crept into Glory’s voice.

“I don’t think so.” Jude’s expression was thoughtful. “This was clearly designed for a woman. It could be Cora’s, but the matching inscription to Janie’s bracelet throws another red flag in Hayden’s corner.”

“Have you talked to Cora?” Nicole asked.

“Not yet. First, I want to know what the inscription meant to Janie. I checked online, thinking it might have been a popular phrase at the time, or part of a quote, but there’s nothing remotely in the ballpark. She must have talked about it to the two of you.” He glanced between them.

“It was just some phrase she latched onto.” Nicole’s mouth was dry. Why hadn’t she paid more attention? She’d been so focused on the senior party and Vin, she’d barely had time for her little sister. She remembered whining to Glory when her mom insisted she take Janie shopping for the bracelet.

“Glory?” Jude prodded.

“I…” Her mom lowered her head, fingers working at massaging her temple. “I don’t remember anything special about it.” Her mouth drew down, cutting crevasses in the corners. Heavy lines pregnant with shadow that left her skin ashen by contrast. “I was busy with Movie Night, and…”

An unexpected swell of protectiveness flowed over Nicole when she floundered.

Glory Larkin had never been an average mother. She loved the limelight too much, but looking at her now—mussed hair, streaked mascara, and trembling hands—Nicole was overcome by a sharp-edged knot of love and pity. Surprisingly, love was still there, stronger than she’d imagined, buried under years of distance, layers of hurt.

“I wish I knew more.” Glory raised teary eyes to Jude, her mortification evident. “I know a mother should be able to—”

“You have to understand Janie was a collector.” Nicole jumped to her mom’s defense. “She was always latching onto some new idea or trinket. Remember her notebooks?” She talked faster, feeling Glory’s gaze, wanting to lift the burden of embarrassment from her without understanding why. “Janie used to keep lists of things that interested her. And she’d pick up stray baubles. Junk. She used to scour the railbed behind the Boone Line shack looking for cast off trash.”

“What are you saying?” Jude asked.

Nicole wet her lips, conscious that Glory studied her openly. “I loved Janie, but she was peculiar. She might have heard that phrase—a foot in the past—or read it in a book and it became her new mantra. It’s just the way she was.”

++++

As in most dual timeline mysteries, The Keeping Place delivers a mystery in the present as well as the past. I hope the blurb will tempt you further:

Even if it means killing again.

++++

Thanks again for hosting me today, John. I appreciate the opportunity to share The Keeping Place with your readers. I’ve held onto this novel for two years, uncertain how I wanted to publish it. As an author, I naturally like every book I’ve written, but The Keeping Place is my personal favorite—perhaps because it’s so different in tone from my other mysteries.

I still utilize dual timelines, but rather than having centuries between them, my timelines are separated by a mere ten years.

It’s my sincere hope readers will enjoy the story.

RELEASE DATE IS MARCH 5^TH

PRE-ORDER FROM AMAZON

Connect with Mae Clair at BOOKBUB and the following haunts:

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Prompt – Kreatie Kue #421 by Keith Channing

February 27, 2024February 26, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this image (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before the end of the week. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here. Thank you for taking part.”

Here is a link to Keith’s post https://keithchanning.wordpress.com/2024/02/26/kreative-kue-421/

The photo.

“They’re at it again.”

“Who?”

“I’m not sure, but now they come every fifty years.”

“Every fifty years. You have to be kidding me. Who keeps track?”

“Believe me, I do.”

“Alright, since you don’t know who, what are they doing?”

“Walking around up there.”

“On the surface, you mean?”

“Okay, so I forgot the word. Yes, on the surface.”

“And that bothers you, why?”

“It just doesn’t seem right. Not even a courtesy heads up.”

“How can they give a heads up? They don’t know we’re here.”

“I’ll bet they would know if I grabbed one of those tiny feet.”

“Oh, that would do a lot of good. Why not be satisfied that this annoyance doesn’t happen often?”

“Think about it. Half a million years, nothing. Then in the past fifty, twice.”

“Leave it, already. They’ll be gone soon.”

“I guess it is the principle.”

“Let’s change the subject. What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I thought we would burrow over to that new cave and see what is on the menu.”

“That does sound good.”

“Maybe we can catch a movie.”

“Yeah, what’s playing?”

“Dune.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

February 26, 2024February 25, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

This post first ran on January 20, 2017. Since I’m still riding a bike, I think the advice is still good.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry; he will untie you and let you go to the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a few slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at Dead Man’s Curve seems to be a challenge right now because you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the most enormous June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now, with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)

Views of the Neighborhood – Brown Bag Concert – The Fiddlers

February 25, 2024February 24, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

Today, we are returning to the Lakeway Activity Center. It is another Brown Bag Concert featuring the Lake Travis High School Fiddlers. We are catered by the Ember Kitchen of Austin. Our entertainment is Charlie Daniels.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Rhymes with Ale

February 24, 2024February 23, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 96 Comments

Waiting for the coffee reminds me of the tale of the turtle and the hare. It is not always the fastest that wins the day. A good rationalization for a petulant machine. Finally, the cup arrives, and it is time to grab the clock. We set it for February 24, 1924. Destination: College Park, Maryland. Duration: two hours. When the plunger is pulled, we find ourselves at College Park Airport near the University of Maryland. We are going to witness a test of the gyrocopter. It’s a machine designed by Henry Berliner and his father, Emile. It is a forerunner of the helicopter and is piloted by US Army Lieutenant Harold R. Harris.

Present are US Navy officials and members of the press. Lieutenant Harris starts the engine and slowly lifts off the ground. The machine rises to an altitude of fifteen feet (4.6m), and Harris demonstrates its tight turning radius of 15 feet. The machine is capable of moving at 40 miles per hour (64km/hr). After one minute and twenty seconds, Harris gently lands the aircraft. The officials call the test a success. The press surrounds the craft and smothers Harris with questions. It was the first successful flight of such a machine.

The alarm rings, and flying the couch is the only event left. My text tone goes off. The text from Linda Hill reads: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “rhymes with ale.” Find a word that rhymes with ale, regardless of the spelling, and use it in your post. Enjoy!

If you want to see what bloggers have done with the prompt, visit Linda’s blog. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2024/02/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-24-2024/

“Well done on sneaking that rhymes with ale word.”

“You think anyone will notice?”

“Well, you could bold it.”

“It is hard to go back. Those words are like in stone.”

“So, if they miss it, why not do one here?”

“Well, I suppose. Let’s see. Sale, sail, whale, nail, fail, pale.”

“I think that’s enough. There might be one or two more, but you’ve made your point.”

“Okay. At least we covered the prompt.”

“I’m going to suggest one more.”

“I can only guess.”

“VooDoo Ranger.”