Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

~ John W. Howell

 

This post first ran on January 20, 2017. Since I’m still riding a bike, I think the advice is still good.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry; he will untie you and let you go to the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a few slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at Dead Man’s Curve seems to be a challenge right now because you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the most enormous June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now, with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)

85 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike”

  2. Great fun to read ! Just as well I don’t ride a bike!! 100 years ago…Dad bought a Tandem and I saw the Essex/Suffolk/part Norfolk countryside with him as Mum preferred other transport. Great fun, until the advent of World War 11 suggested he don an Air Force blue uniform… I certainly did some walking in my youth, perhaps that’s why I am so ancient?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The last time I was on a bike was in my 30’s and I didn’t do as well as I remembered I could. Looking like a lizard with a nervous tick, I suppose I ruined that old line of “it’s as easy as riding a bike.”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great list, John. I need to get a bike rack and take mine someplace safe to ride. I used to ride on neighborhood streets, but not since everyone drives like they are the highway in No. 8.

    Be careful out there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Even so, after all my years, just last week I was nearly hit by a driver running a red light. Yes, I looked both ways, saw my cyclist green light come up (giving us a few extra seconds before the cars), and proceeded out when I heard a screech. The red car stopped and I was face to face with the driver who missed me by inches.
        I glared at him, pointed to his light and said “It’s red. It’s red.” As he drove off, I received a lot of shaking heads and rolling eyes from the other drivers.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I live on a corner where both streets are considered a bikeway which means it’s pretty much a free-for-all, traffic wise. The bicyclists in my Hood seem to think they are invincible and rules of the road simply don’t apply to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Just ten more reasons why I don’t ride a bike. I still have scars on my knees from the last time I did and fell off on a patch of gravel. I’m just an accident waiting to happen on two wheels.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Great reminders, John! Especially about the insects. I’ve been wanting a bike for a couple of years but I haven’t ridden in a long time and am worried I might take a nasty fall. There are some nice 3 wheelers out there for seniors which might do.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. The motorcycle wave! I secretly do it in the car when I drive by them. I mean it in the best possible way, Tiny!!
    What bugs me is the cyclists who ride against traffic. Wrong way, buddy!! 🚲

    Liked by 1 person

  15. oh John, these are so good and too funny. Sounds like some fun memories too, Once my son rode his scooter from L.A. to here once. on a scooter bike. I hadn’t thought of it forever but sudden memories send shivers up my spine 🥹

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Good advice, John. I cringe every time I see a cyclist on the highway. Lots of adventurous souls in our area and, frankly, they scare me – and it should be the other way around. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Yay, I don’t do any of those things on your list when I ride my bike 😁. But I have seen some things, including people talking on their phone while riding their bike on a city street 🤦🏼‍♀️ Stupid is as stupid does.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. #1 brings back memories of picking myself up after crashing into a parked car trying to impress Lee Ann Dodge in sixth grade. Hard to retain the cool factor after that. I’m sure she thought I was the biggest dufus.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. I’m impressed you’re still riding a bike, John. Hopefully not wearing a Speedo, or having bugs flying into you. I think if you waved to Tiny he would wave back….well, maybe not.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. My bike was my primary mode of transportation as a kid. Now, I think about starting again, but in the face of the traffic around here, common sense holds sway. I do wish the packs of cyclists that take to the roads on weekends would try to keep it to one lane, though. Getting stuck behind forty people on bikes can lead to uncharitable thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. These are all great, John! As you know, we pass a lot of cyclists on the back roads in West Marin, and when there’s no bike lane, it can get a little dicey. And some cyclists can be a bit arrogant. I don’t have much trust in drivers for me to ride on those roads without a designated bike lane. But I would like to start riding again where there aren’t many cars. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Always wonder how bicycle riding is possible in many of the Western countries, with big vehicles jostling for space on the road. From the childhood of my generation, when we were free birds at the age of 12 thanks to our bicycles, and pretty much kings (and queens) of the road with little motor traffic and that too reasonably careful and respectful, to that of our children who could only ride in enclosed, protected, no-traffic spaces, it has been a sea change. But thanks for bringing back memories.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.