The inspiration for this list is my friend Tom. He sent me an e-mail with a list of ten things to do to be happy. Of course, my schtick is “things not to do,” so I turned it around a little. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Want to Remain an Unhappy Grump

10 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take care of your health. If you don’t take care at best, you’ll have a lot to complain about. At worst, we will all be glad to be rid of you. (Not a nice thing to say at the memorial service, eh, Ralph?)

9 If you want to remain unhappy, do not engage in a hobby that you are passionate about. If you don’t engage, at best, you’ll have nothing to talk about with others. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, will engage you in his hobby. (Tiny loves to bounce grumpy people off hardwood floors, Ace. Is that him heading your way now?)

8 If you want to remain unhappy, do not connect with some good friends and laugh heartily. If you don’t connect, at best, the frown will become permanent. At worst, you’ll become that old guy that people call in for a welfare check. (Better put away that hash pipe Stewart. The police are checking on you again.)

7 If you want to remain unhappy, do not concern yourself with having enough income and bank balance to live comfortably. If you aren’t concerned, at best, you could collect aluminum cans. At worst, trying to make a living with that “Will Work for Food” scam is tough. (Is that snow falling, Skipper? It might be time to call it a day.)

6 If you want to remain unhappy, do not help disadvantaged people in any way you can. If you don’t help, at best, you’ll keep your Howard Hughes profile. At worse, you need not expect anyone to give you a hand when you need it. (Forget that lift to the gas station, which is only ten miles from here, Dork)

5 If you want to remain unhappy, do not travel to new places with friends and family. If you don’t travel, at best, you can keep looking at those travel magazines. At worst, you will believe your trip to the corner store is a major outing. (You want to try a different direction this time, Ferd?)

4 If you want to remain unhappy, do not listen to music you like. If you don’t listen, at best, you can hum that same tune off-key. At worst, you’ll fall for every conspiracy theory proffered on talk radio. (I see you have your new tin foil hat in place, Nerd.)

3 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take pleasure in seeing your children grow into fine individuals who do well for themselves. If you don’t take the pleasure, at best, you can cuddle that fur ball you call a cat. At worse, maybe you can apply to adopt a grandpa and take pleasure in someone else’s kids. (Of course, you have to be nice, Putz.)

2 If you want to remain unhappy, do not read a book that is of interest. If you don’t read, at best, those coloring books may help. At worse, you can stay glued to the TV and go from one mindless show to the next. (With any luck, most will be reruns. Excuse me, but does it feel like your brain is running out of your ears, Slug?)

1 If you want to remain unhappy, expect everyone to give you what you need, and do not accept what life throws at you. If you want this attitude, at best, you should not leave the house. At worst, every day will be a monumental hill of disappointment to climb. (You are the pessimist’s pessimist, Roy. I’m glad you don’t live next door to me.)