The inspiration for this list was a one-inch snowfall on our tropical island in South Texas.  The last snow was in 2004 and before that in the 1900’s. As you can imagine residents of this island had no idea what to do with snow. This list is too late for them but may be handy in another ten years.

10 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive to the store. If you do, at best you may find yourself in a ditch. At worst, your erratic driving may cause a pile up on the beach road which won’t clear till spring. (Twenty miles an hour was a bit too fast for conditions huh, Cyrek?)

9. If you live in the South and it snows, do not throw snowballs at strangers. If you do, at best you’ll hit one, and they will laugh. At worst, you will hit Tiny the WWF champ right after he left his respect support group meeting. (Looks like Tiny took the snowball in the face as a sign of disrespect. I think you should begin running now, Cyril.)

8 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can wear flip-flops as usual. If you do, at best your feet will turn blue. At worst, you will find your condition being discussed by a group of interns at the local ER. (Do the words frostbite and amputation bother you, Cyrano?)

7 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think the rest of the world wants to hear about it. If you do, at best you’ll get a lot of disconnects. At worst, you’ll be describing the beauty and unusual snow to your cousin in Fargo, North Dakota who hasn’t been out of the house for six weeks due to the snow. (Wonder why he’s calling you all those names? It’s cabin fever, Cyan.)

6 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you have to rush to the store to clean the shelves of bread, milk, water, and bathroom tissue. If you do, at best you’ll get the moniker of the village idiot. At worst, you will be just checking out when you notice the snow has all melted making your hour trip to the store and your massive horde unnecessary. (Did you check the weather report, Crespin? Why are those people pointing and laughing?)

5 If you live in the South and it snows, do not demand your 7:00 am tee time. If you do, at best the pro will not let you play. At worst, you’ll set the course record for the most lost balls and highest score. (White on white is a difficult thing to see. Right, Courtney. When you do see em frozen shots don’t go that far do they?)

4 If you are in the south and it snows, do not continue with your plans for a beach party. If you do, at best everyone will stay home. At worst, those that do come will end up not at the beach but in your house. (Ever try to roast hot dogs and do smores in the fireplace, Corwin?)

3 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive without cleaning your windshield and rear window glass. If you do, at best the snow might blow off. At worst, you won’t be able to see well and might hit someone. (The policeman you ran into is lecturing you loudly how dangerous it is to drive without being able to see while he is writing the ticket. He is about finished, Conell.)

2 If you are in the south and it snows, do not think you have to plan a dinner like you are living in the Antarctic. If you do, at best the snow will leave before you start cooking. At worst, you’ll serve the Hoosh, Pemmican, Sledging biscuits, Marmite and hot coffee meal as the temperature reaches seventy degrees. (Never saw folks sweat so much while they ate did you, Cnute?)

1 If you are in the South and it snows, Do not think you can wait to make a snowperson. If you do, at best there will be a little snow left to work. At worst, you and the kids will be all bundled up only to find nothing but water. (Hard to make a water person isn’t it, Clifton?)

The golf cart is a primary transportation device here in Port Aransas. The inspiration for this post is watching countless tourists rent a golf cart and then exhibit some unusual behavior which would never be seen otherwise. I hope you enjoy it. Oh and another thing, I am innocent of any of these practices.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class to yield to you. If you do, at best you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware and you. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen wheeler could go that fast did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing room only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display a number of flags. If you do, at best folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique don’t you, Cydney?)