Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four Hour Car Trip Alone

March 26, 2018March 25, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

This list was inspired by my recent four-hour one way trip to Galveston. I had to keep reminding my self to avoid each of these things which I managed to do.

10 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to set up a new playlist on Spotify while driving. If you do, at best you’ll take a wrong turn. At worst, you’ll get pulled over by a small town police officer who thinks you are texting and driving. (Lucky the officer is a Dead Head and let you go after a twice run through of “Keep on Truckin” huh, Dawud?)

9 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not pick up hitchhikers. If you do, at best they will be a traveling preacher. At worst you’ll pick up Tiny the WWF champ who has just jogged for ten miles and tells you he thinks he needs a shower. (What gave you a clue, Daylin? Maybe the steamed up windows or the fact that your air freshener exploded?)

8 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not continue to update the GPS system looking for a shorter route.. If you do, at best you’ll end up at a dead-end street. At worst, after four hours the system will route you to a point where you realize you are one state over from your destination. (Best to keep your hands off the system, Dearborn. Maybe it is time to deal with those trust issues.)

7 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not think you need to pass every car on the road. If you do, at best you get stuck behind a slow-moving truck and pass through a speed trap ten miles under the limit. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the oncoming lane with someone at your side who has the same objective. (Is he actually wearing a death’s-head mask, Declan? Maybe you better hit the brake and get back in your lane. I know, tough decision.)

6 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to do e-mails on your phone. If you do, at best you’ll trash the most important. At worst, you will get so engrossed that you miss the road closed sign. (Looks like you are buried in mud, Delany. Hope you have Triple A.)

5 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not try to stay alert with copious amounts of caffeine. If you do, at best there will be plenty of rest areas. At worst you didn’t pay attention to the sign Last Rest Area for 100 Miles and now you are sweating like an overworked racehorse. (Even the descriptor of racehorse brings up increased tension, Delmar. Why is all the land around you flat and lacking vegetation?)

4 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not start singing and using stage gestures along with the show tune on the radio. If you do, at best those going the opposite way won’t call the State Police to report a crazy person behind the wheel. At worst, they will. (You passed the touch nose test, Demitri. Now, let’s see how that straight line walking goes.)

3 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you are safe going nine miles an hour over the speed limit. If you do, at best you won’t see any police. At worst, you will meet a friendly State Trooper who writes up everyone who is five miles per hour over the limit. (The nice part about being caught in a small town is the folks in jail are very friendly, Derby.)

2 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you can drive and let your mind wander at the same time. If you do, at best the rumble strips will pop you back to reality. At worst, you’ll have just solved that plot conundrum at the same time you end up in a ditch. (The sad thing is that solution flew out your very broken window when you rolled the car, Deron.)

1 If you are alone on a long trip, or any trip, do not text and drive. If you do, at best there will be no consequences. At worst, you might be in a position to regret your action for the rest of your life, Derry.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Galveston Book Festival

March 25, 2018March 24, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

Yesterday I was in Galveston for their Book Festival. I had to drive 41/2 hours. Such is the life of an Island dweller. Everything is hours away.

It was two lane road the whole way. This garbage truck in front of me was my best friend for twenty miles. He kept me from exceeding the speed limit. In fact, he was so concerned he held me at least five miles per hour under the whole way.

The Festival is in the grade school.

Here is the setup. You can tell we are in the gym by the doors.

I thought I would take a shot without the doors

Would you buy a book from this guy?

A view of the other setups around me.

More booths

Here is a far away shot of my booth.

Happy book lovers.

Final shot. Now for another 41/2 hours back to the island.

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

March 23, 2018March 23, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

Friday is here and a good thing too. I am heading to Galveston to participate in the Galveston Book Fair. The fair is from 9:00 AM to 2:00 PM tomorrow. I am driving, and it is a 41/2 hour trip by car, so I need to go up the night before. I have been anticipating this festival in that I have decided to take a local approach to helping spread the word on my books. I plan on two others for this year, and then I will make a decision if I need to continue or go in a different direction.

Like you, marketing my books has been one of the hardest things about being an Indie author. Intellectually I know they won’t sell themselves so outreach tactics are necessary. I still haven’t found the magic bullet for success but will keep trying.

Today’s JohnKu talks about finding the formula for success. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

We all want success,

Although the way may be hard . . .

Quitting’s no option.

Thursday A Little Personal – Lisa Burton Interview with Greg Petros

March 22, 2018March 20, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

“What do you want to do today, Bailey?”

“I’m not fussy. What do you want to do? Play fetch with Pops?”

“No Pops is all over the fact that Lisa Barton is interviewing a character from one of his books on Lisa Burton Radio.”

“Which book?”

“Circumstances of Childhood. She is interviewing the main character, Greg Petros.”

“Well, maybe after the interview he’ll play.”

“Ya hear that, boss? After you are finished looking at the interview and Lisa Burton, maybe you’ll play with us.”

“Show the folks where the interview is, Lucy.”

“Okay, Boss. It is right HERE.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

March 21, 2018March 20, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

An Award if you qualify.

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we were surprised by Trish’s reaction to the information that Lucas gave her about Frank Plano. She seemed upset that Frank wanted to talk to her and very interested in what Lucas said about her introduction to Jason McDonnell, the lawyer. Goodness, this is getting a little complex, isn’t it? Well, I see Frank is headed over to the lawyer’s office so I think we should follow along. Uh oh, he is already in there, so we need to hurry.

“Have a seat Frank. You need any water or anything?”
“No boss. I’m good.”
“So how is the investigation going?”
“Pretty good. I think I’ve pretty much established that Lucas is an innocent man.”
“Oh, that’s good news. Want to share the details?”
“Well, I have just a few things to wrap up. Dot the I’s and cross the T’s so to speak.”
“I see. But you are sure Lucas is innocent?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Do you have an idea who did do it then?”
“Um, I do, but it will take a little time to build the case.”
“Anyone, we know?”
“Now boss you must be patient. I don’t want any unreasonable expectations to be raised.”
“You know you can confide in me.”
“Oh, I know that it’s just I hate to reach a conclusion until I’m sure.”
“How long until you are sure?”
“I have to ask a couple of questions of Trish Severide and then maybe one or two of Harriet Murphy.”
“My God. Do you think Harriet has anything to do with this? She hired us for heaven’s sake.”
“As I said I need to check out a couple of facts.”
“Trish Severide. You think she could do it?”
“I’m not sure. What do you think?”
“I’m sure I don’t know. I only met her once.”
“Where was that?”
“At the hospital. She was visiting Lucas, and he introduced her.”
“Yeah, well that wouldn’t give you enough exposure to know if she was capable.”
“She seemed a little unstable though.”
“Yes, she has had a rocky past. She have a boyfriend?”
“Now, how in the hell would I know that?”
“I just thought you might have some information. I know how good you are in getting to the truth.”
“Thanks. In this case, I have no idea.”
“Okay then. I’m going to go and see if I can interview her myself.”
“Thanks for the update, Frank.”
“Anytime, Boss. Bye now.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #166 by Keith Channing

March 20, 2018March 19, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

In Keith’s words. “Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – pingbacks don’t often work.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.”

The photo.

“Yes, ma’am that’s correct. Derick Dazzle of Chanel Ten News.”

“Oh, my. What brings you out on this gloomy day?”

“We have received many calls from our viewers wondering what you are doing.”

“I can’t imagine anyone calling a TV station about me. Why not just ask?”

“I’m sure I don’t know ma’am. My producer sent me here to get your side of the story.”

“My side. What are people saying? Also, please quit calling me ma’am. My name is Princess of Flight.”

“Ah, Princess of Flight, huh? How did you get that name?”

“I’m sure I don’t know. It has been my name forever. I suppose my parents gave it to me. You still haven’t told me what people are saying?”

“Well Princess, they are saying you must be mentally unstable.”

“Unstable? Why is that?”

“You sit here every day with big bags of bird food and feed these pesky pidgins.”

“Who says the pidgins are pesky?”

“Everyone. They are known to make a big mess here in the plaza.”

“They are one of God’s creatures and deserve to be treated fairly. I am looking out for them.”

“I can see that, Princess. Doesn’t it bother you that people think you are not doing the right thing?”

“Who says I’m not doing the right thing?”

“Well, feeding pests seems to be wrong.”

“Would everyone be happy if these so-called pests disappeared?”

“I suppose they would.”

“Good. You see I run a restaurant across town, and one of my most popular dishes is squab under glass. Eventually, I will have served every last one of these fat beauties. What do you think of my mental state now?”

“I think I need to go home and lay down.”

Top Ten Things Not To Do Thinking Spring is Right Around the Corner

March 19, 2018March 18, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

The inspiration for this list came from reading all the posts where folks have anticipated the first day of spring (tomorrow) only to be faced with tons of Ice, snow, and sleet. Knowing spring is here only makes the reversal in weather more demoralizing.

10 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not clean out the garage. If you do, at best you’ll need heavy winter clothes. At worst you’ll get everything out on the driveway just as a nor’easter hits. (Maybe after the thaw you’ll be able to find that snow shovel, Dann.)

9 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ to prune your shrubs. If you do, at best he won’t show. At worst, he just graduated from landscaping school where the last course was labelled “start over.” (Amazing what a yard looks like with nubs for shrubs huh, Danyal? So there’s that set of tongs you dropped in the roses two years ago.)

8 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go to Lowes and buy flats of annuals. If you do, at best they aren’t in stock yet. At worst, you can’t plant in twelve inches of snow so your living room floor is covered with the flats. (At least the cat is happy, Darby.)

7 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go to the baseball season opener. If you do, at best you’ll have a seat under the overhang. At worst, you’ll sit for five innings thinking you are on an iceberg and then the game will be called on account of the blizzard. (It would have been fine except the pitcher could not see the catcher for the snow. Hows that frostbite treatment going, Dareau? Pretty embarrassing spot huh?)

6 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not hide Easter eggs. If you do, at best it will only rain. At worst, you might be able to wait out the storm and have the hunt in May. (I would not eat any of those eggs, Dariel.)

5 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go golfing. If you do, at best there will be no lightning. At worst, you and your foresome have been listed as missing and possible victims of an avalanche. (Never thought to bring snow shoes did you, Darrence?)

4 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not invite everyone over for a spring cook out. If you do, at best your oven will put out a passable barbecue-like brisket. At worst, you will lose your grill and yourself in a snow drift and it will take eight of your guests forming a human chain just to rescue you. (What do you mean, “save the grill first,” Darroch?)

3 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not fly your new kite. If you do, at best the wind will be below 10 MPH. At worst, you will launch your kite just as the gale force winds and snow come roaring out of the North. (Hang on tightly, Darwin. This ride will be over pretty soon. Hopefully you will land where there is human habitation since I hear the bears are famished right now.)

2 If you think spring is just around the corner, do not paint that gazebo just yet. If you do, at best you’ll have water proof paint. At worst, just as you finish, the twelve inches of snow that falls will have a distinct tint like your gazabo used to have. (I hear you, Davi. They just don’t make paint like they used to.)

1 If you think spring is just around the corner, do not put out the patio furniture. If you do, at best those cushions will float. At worst, the whole set will disappear under a foot of snow and then be carried off by the spring thaw floods. (Makes you wonder about the greenhouse gas effect doesn’t it, Davion?)

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Green”

March 17, 2018March 16, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again and this week’s prompt is “green.” Linda Hill says we can use the word any way we want. It is tough not to think of green in the context of St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m certainly going to try. Not that I have anything against St. Patrick’s Day. In fact, as a graduate of Notre Dame University, I embrace the day. (Happy St. Patrick’s Day) It’s just that using green in that context is so easy I have to resist. If you would like to have conflicts with yourself like this, why not join the group? Visit Linda Hill’s blog and find out how to become insecure really fast. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2018/03/16/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-17-18/

“Green, green, it’s green they say
On the far side of the hill
Green, green, I’m going away
To where the grass is greener still.”

“Okay is this the New Christy Minstrels—dope addition?”

“Aw, come on. My singing isn’t that bad.”

“You need to step outside yourself and listen once.”

“You’re just envious.”

“Oh, yes. I’m green with envy that I can call hogs as well as you.”

“Call hogs? Where did that idea come from?”

“Look behind you.”

“What the heck is that?”

“In my view, it grunts like a hog, it smells like a hog. Probably is a hog.”

“Where do you suppose this hog came from?”

“I would guess a farm.”

“Now you’re being a smart-ass. I mean how did it get here?”

“Want to do another stanza of Green, Green and find out?”

“No thank you. You’re saying my singing called this hog over here.”

“Yup.”

“Can’t be. The nearest farm is twenty miles away.”

“I think we should enter this hog in the Olympics. Seems it can sprint pretty fast. Has great distance too.”

“Why don’t you do something to help me instead of cracking the jokes.”

“Okay tell you what. Let’s put up some signs in the neighborhood advertising this found hog. Someone is sure to claim it.”

“In the meantime, where do you propose we keep it?”

“I have a thought but you’re not going to like it.”

“Try me.”

“Your room.”

“My room?”

“I think it would be very happy there.”

“Very funny.”

“Wasn’t meant to be humorous.”

Thursday – A Little Personal – Getting Ready for a Book Fair

March 15, 2018March 15, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 101 Comments

“This is the life, Bailey.”

“Mmmff. Huh?”

“Ah never mind. Oops, there goes the boss again.”

“You know the boss has been a little busy today. I’m going to ask what is going on.”

“Okay, Lucy. You do that. I hope you don’t mind me getting a little more shut-eye.”

“Yeah stay there. I’ll yell at him.”

“What is it, Lucy?”

“Bailey and I think you are moving way too fast for an old guy.”

“Oh is that right. Well, I’m preparing for the Galveston Book Festival On March 24th is all.”

“The what?

“Come inside, I’ll show you.”

“Whoa. What the heck is that?”

“That’s my banner. It goes behind my table, so people know who I am.”

“Thrillers by John W. Howell. Who’s that?”

“Can you help, Bailey?”

“That is Pop’s real name.”

“Jeez, Boss. I never hear anyone call you John W. Howell.”

“I know. Lucy.”

“So, I see cases of books. This one is opened.”

“Yes, I was just checking them to make sure I have some of each.”

“Oh, I get it. Those are big pictures of your books up on that banner.”

“There you go. I think you have it now.”

“What about this table, Pops.”

“That’s where mom is putting bookmarks together.”

“Bookmarks? What are those?”

“People who read books like to remember where they left off, so these little things help do that. I will be giving them away. Along with Swedish Fish and some Library cards.”

“You can’t sell these?”

“I’m selling books. These are just gifts to readers.”

“Let me look closer. Oh, I see now.”

“They are just a little gift of appreciation.”

“Hey Lucy, you see these?”

“Yeah, I saw them. I think I’ll curl up with a good book now.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

March 14, 2018March 13, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

Wednesday Story Day again and last week we saw Frank Plano visit Lucas with the thought of being able to talk to Trish, his sister. Lucas didn’t have her phone number so the best Frank could do was leave his card with Lucas and hope that she gives him a call. I see Frank left the hospital and look who is pulling into visitor parking. None other than Trish herself. She must be coming to see Lucas. Frank pulled out of the parking lot without seeing her. She didn’t see Frank either and is now going into the hostel. Let’s get to Lucas’ room to see how Trish reacts to Lucas telling her about Frank’s visit. Don’t you just love it when folks get put on the spot?

“Hey, big brother. How you feeling today?”
“Hi, sis. I feel great. Looks like I’m going to be released soon.”
“Oh, that’s great. I want you to know you live like an animal.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Your place looks like a bear cave that’s had too many bears living in it.”
“Yeah, I’m not the neatest.”
“Neatest? You make neat sound like a swear word.”
“Ha ha ha. You sure know how to make me laugh.”
“Well anyway. I cleaned up the mess and moved my stuff into your spare bedroom. Too bad you only have one bathroom though.”
“I’m sorry. I guess that’s why the rent is so low.”
“Nice one, Lucas.”
“I couldn’t help myself, sis. Now I feel like shit for bringing the subject up.”
“Naw, forget it. It was a good joke and true. I really should give you money, but I don’t have any.”
“I know that. You’ve got a few million coming. You can pay rent then.”
“Live with you when I have millions? That is a laugh and certainly shows your arrogance.”
“I suppose it does. I am the best roommate after all.”
“You are still my brother, and I don’t fancy having you around every night.”
“I could say the same. And that reminds me. Frank Plano asked that you give him a call.”
“Frank Plano? He’s that PI right?”
“That’s the one.”
“What the hell does he want?”
“He asked me when you and Jason McDonnell met.”
“When we met? What did you tell him?”
“That I introduced you here in the hospital.”
“Okay. That is the truth.”
“So why are you upset?”
“I’m not upset I just don’t like people asking questions about me to someone other than me.”
“So you’ll call him? He wanted to get the information directly rather than through me.”
“Damn.”
“What?”
“I’m telling you. I hate it when others get up into my business.”
“Come on Trish. It’s no big deal.”
“I have to go, Lucas. I’ll check with you later.”