The inspiration for this list came as I was walking around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second,” silkscreened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 if you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the level of tolerance was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy  asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast especially through crowds of people. How were you to know this was the owner’s fist day out of the institution.)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey that’s my sucker” as the man is trying to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in hey, Bbunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best the scoff with give you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)