Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show

 

 

MustangThe inspiration for this list came as I was walking around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second,” silkscreened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 if you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the level of tolerance was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy  asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast especially through crowds of people. How were you to know this was the owner’s fist day out of the institution.)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey that’s my sucker” as the man is trying to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in hey, Bbunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best the scoff with give you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

 

25 comments

  1. Most entertaining John….must remember all those do not dos….

    1. Walk softly and watch that ice cream cone. 😀

  2. They aren’t very fond of skateboards and hackysacks either.

    1. Good one. I could see a skateboarder coming to a halt on the hood of a display car. 😀

      1. Or the board goes flying…

      2. Then say, “Well, at least you have windshield coverage, right?”

  3. These are perfect, John. I love the “don’t ask how much money…” question.

    1. I used to get that all the time when I was restoring a 78 FJ 40 Toyota Land Cruiser

  4. Great list, John, and I love passing muscle cars in my Prius 😉

    1. Ha ha ha. Especially if they are out of gas. 😀

      1. We have a lot of hills too and I always find it funny when my car overtakes the sporty ones on the incline 😉

  5. Guessing gloating about the car you built in a video game or asking if it can do Grand Theft Auto V stunts are out too.

    1. Hmmm. Yeah, I would say so. 😀

  6. I loved this list, John! I’m curious, did you do any of these things?

    1. None. Totally made up. 😀

  7. Great list, John, and totally appropriate. I can’t imagine anybody leaning on an art exhibit, can you? Why strangers feel compelled to touch the displays — or sit in them! — is beyond me!

  8. Hi John,
    as to #9: “too much” is why we have not had Mary’s old 68-Camaro [http://tinyurl.com/hshm9r3] restored. When we asked at a restoration place, they told us that nothing below $75,000 would have to be spent, and that put paid to our plans. 😦
    Have a great day,
    Pit

  9. Loved it, John – especially reading about my buddy, Tiny!

  10. Asking about spousal participation (number two) is just the kind of thing I would be likely to do to make conversation. I guess I’d better be careful. 🙂

    1. Yes. Soon repair parts will be compared to items not purchased for spousal enjoyment. You know, “For the price of that alternator we could have gone to Hawaii.” Be careful.

      1. Oh, that would be a tricky accusation to recover from. 🙂

      2. Yes it would. I never did. Finally sold the beast.

      3. Probably a good move. 😀

      4. I thought so. 🙂

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