This post was originally run on November 3rd, 2014. Since there are still parents, children, and still inclement days, I think it will work. Also, if you have a minute I’m over at Story Empire talking about indications that your writing may not be working. Here’s the link but come back.
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This list was created to pay homage to parents trying to be an author and have the duty to take care of the little ones. I’ve been there and got the shirt.
Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day
10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best, you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as tricky as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.
9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.
8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best, the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted enough for the kids to get into every drawer, including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the next-door neighbor stops by for a visit)
7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best, you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children, and what was that crash?
6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word ‘lunch’ connected to it. If you do, at best, you will have little helpers who will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that, when served, contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in-laws
5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best, they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game, thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.
4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best, your neighbor is in as desperate a condition, and two more problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU, which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.
3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best, it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.
2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories, including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).
1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not take them to the library. If you do, at best, the library’s peace will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. Unfortunately, the outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.
It is Halloween, so it is only fitting that we tour the neighborhood and check out the decorations. We are being catered by Torchy’s of Lakeway. Our entertainment is Bobby Pickett singing The Monster Mash.
Menu.
Expand it if you would like to read it in detail
I had the bus decorated for Halloween so let’s go.
Our first stop is an old friend. The home of the Flamingos.
Great gate.
Captured skeleton.
Glowing ghouls.
Some monsters and a little library.
Webs, trampoline, and skeleton.
Biggest spider ever.
Happy couple.
Monster house.
Giant web.
Halloween dance.
The ultimate.
I hope you enjoyed the tour. Have some tacos and listen to Bobby Pickett
Since tomorrow is Halloween, I decided to double-check the preparations for the trick or treaters. I put on my boots to avoid inadvertently stepping on any sharp object in the front of the house. The backyard is a barefoot safe zone, but the front is a different matter. It is like the boonies hazard-wise.
A notebook grab off the bookcase made sure the listing of the things needing to be checked was at hand. My first stop was the boogeyman by the front door. The electronic sensor which caused the release of the ghoulish laugh was working perfectly.
Next, the automatic candy dispenser was found to be releasing two Kit Kat bars per perceived visitor instead of one. A quick adjustment and reboot corrected the problem, and rather than open the apparatus to replace the bar, I ate it.
Further down the driveway, I checked the parent’s booze dispenser. Pretending to be a parent, I read the instructions. The machine required entering a birthday to receive a margarita. Although a little early entering my birthday did produce a margarita on the rocks without salt. Not wanting to waste a perfectly prepared margarita, it accompanied me on the final phase of my rounds.
The boombox is cleverly hidden in the bushes and will surprise all who approach the house. It is placed so that it is the first thing encountered by visitors. There is a prerecorded reel with messages. My favorite is the one that says, “Halt, who goes there?” The banshee scream is a good one too.
As I returned to the house, satisfied that the trick or treaters would be well-served without any need to interact, I came upon a bamboo pungy stick. It was stuck in the flower bed with a note attached. The message read, Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “boo.” Find a word with the letters “boo” in it or use “boo” as is and base your post on it. Enjoy!
“Anyone who gets past the boombox and the booz machine is welcome to the Kit Kat. Of course, then there is the ghoul for a final scare. So there will be no loitering.”
It is Friday again and not too far from the glorious weekend. Today we have two good news stories involving animals. They are not monumental but will hopefully bring a smile.
The first is about a lucky photo and a plucky squirrel. Let’s look at the photo first.
Photo courtesy of SWNS
This squirrel is showing his bodybuilding pose. The photo was snapped by David Roberts of Glasgow, Scotland. He just happened to have a camera when the squirrel nonchalantly hopped onto his windowsill and struck the pose. The photo has since gone viral for a good reason. There is no way to look at it and continue to frown, which is excellent news.
Photo courtesy of Dr. Robert Williams
Our second story is about a photo of a Shelley’s eagle owl in the wilds of Ghana. It is the first time one had been seen since the 1870s—and the first time ever a clear photograph of one of the world’s largest owls. Dr. Joseph Tobias and Dr. Robert Williams were stunned to see the giant bird fly over their heads. It came to roost in a tree, and Dr. Williams was able to get the clear shot. It is estimated that there are between 1700 and 7000 birds, but an exact number is impossible since the owl is so elusive. At least we know it is not extinct, which is excellent news.
I hope you all have a super weekend and today’s JohnKu talks about learning new things.
I am very pleased to have as my guest Geoff Le Pard. Geoff is one of these writers who can have me gasping for breath after a long series of belly laughs. His humorous approach to most subjects is appreciated by his loyal followers and by me. Geoff is introducing a new book and I jumped at the chance to interview him today. We’ve decided to do the interview in his beautiful garden outside of London. So with that introduction let’s get to my first question.
Geoff some of my readers are big fans and some still need an introduction. How would you introduce yourself to those who are not familiar with your work?
For those who don’t know me, I’m an outwardly sixty-something Brit (Inside, I’m still in my late teens, wondering what life has in store), residing in one of London’s villages some five miles to the south of the Capital’s centre. In those six and a half decades, I have stopped: being self-conscious; practicing as a lawyer (you can only practice for so long before you realise you’re not getting any better); attempting consecutive cartwheels (now its single cartwheels and time spent in traction); being embarrassed by my hair; believing I should try and be politically correct; expecting to be called up to play cricket for England; buying new suits and wearing ties, save to hold up trousers; and weighing myself. In that same period I have started: writing in all styles and genres; volunteering; practising as a parent (unlike the law, you have to keep practising); baking with increasing competence; a deep continuing love affair with both my wife and Dog; a no doubt lifelong relationship with my lawn; nightly excursions to the bathroom; ballroom and Latin American dancing (I can waltz but I’m still one cha sort of the full set); and a determination to go green, though, I hope, not because of a creeping stasis that leaves me susceptible to developing mould. I find pleasure in small things (and I will leave the smutty amongst you to run with the obvious double entendre), inspiration in the opaque and opulent alike, and I have developed a firm belief that nowadays I need little stuff and loads of new experiences, which post Covid I intend embracing with the grip of an anaconda and the lack of embarrassment of my great aunt Ruby, whose attempts to offer free hugs to all and sundry in her small village were received, mostly, with delight, save for those few who were allergic to lavender. I can’t stand grapefruit or marmite, Tintin and Paddington Bear remain my heroes and in the eleven general elections since I was eligible to vote, I have put my cross next to all the main political parties at least once as well as spoiling my ballot though a poorly timed sneeze and voted for the Monster Raving Loony party merely to irritate my father. I am blood type A+ which annoyingly makes me very common.
I love the items that you have stopped and admire those you have continued. Do you have a writing routine and if so would you care to share it?
Impulse driven would be the best way to describe it; nearly every day, when I wake I have it firmly at the front of my mind to settle down to some serious writing time, before the events of that day overwhelm me and it’s 7pm and I’m digesting dinner. I suppose my most productive time is from then until any time up to 1 am – yep, a night owl – but it doesn’t happen every day. Sadly.
The idea of hitting placing in your mind the idea that you will get serious writing done is something we all should do. What has been your most satisfactory writing experience so far?
There isn’t just one. Meeting some like-minded people and sharing our experiences on various writing courses always leaves me energised. Each time a book goes live is a great feeling. Realising a complete stranger has chosen to read one of my books and commented on it is one of the best; and if they enjoyed it, better still.
I share your feelings about the writing community and a new book launch which is a nice segway into my next question. You are introducing a new book The Art Of Spirit Capture. Can you tell us a little about how you came to that title?
I joined in a regular weekly prompt that the late Sue Vincent started called writephoto. This particular week, she published an image of a Christmas glass bauble through which the Christmas lights had refracted into a myriad of rainbows. The idea that came to me was what if these weren’t just inert glass pendants but had somehow captured the spirit of a dying person, releasing a little of that spirit each Christmas to enhance the lives of the bereaved loved ones. That 500 word short piece was called Spirit Capture. When I decided to expand from that to this novel, the title grew too. Literary inflation, huh!
I think we all have had literary inflation at one time or another. Is this book different from those you have written and if so what makes it different?
It is different. It is a romance/mystery/modern fantasy with magical realism notes. Is that a genre? It is now, I suppose. My last novel (Walking Into Trouble) was a buddy mystery with adult themes around loyalty and friendships and what happens if you test them to destruction. A recent reviewer called it a sex mystery which is a bit of a stretch but there is a certain amount of unfaithfulness in it. I’ve also written novels that cover: a comedic coming of age story set in 1976 (Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle) and then followed the characters as their lives moved on, dipping back in, in two more instalments set 1981 (The Last Will of Sven Andersen) and 1987 (Booms and Busts) -my next book will probably be the next instalment, set in 1997; a contemporary thriller exploring corruption, politics and religion (My Father and Other Liars); another adult book that focuses on the destructive nature of homelessness and displacement (Salisbury Square); a four way contemporary piece of lives interacting and fracturing (Buster and Moo); I’ve managed three anthologies of short fiction (Life, in a Grain of Sand; Life, in a Flash; and Life, in a Conversation), a memoir about me and my mother between my father’s death and hers (Apprenticed to My Mother); and a book of poetry (The Sincerest Form of Poetry)
A very impressive body of work Geoff which brings to mind who would you consider an inspiration to your writing and why?
That sort of depends on what I’m writing. In comedy, it is probably Sue Townsend, Helen Fielding, and Tom Sharpe; contemporary writing and it would be Graham Swift, Neil Gaiman, and Ian Banks. Poetry and it’s Roger McGough, Wendy Cope, and Carol-Ann Duffy. Not sure about memoir…
Who is your favorite character in The Art of Spirit Capture and why?
It’s probably Charlotte ‘Lotte’ Taylor, the woman who the main protagonist Jason (we see the unfolding story through his eyes) realises at the end of chapter one he will have to deal with, and yet his memories of her, from their childhood are far from pleasant. She doesn’t realise how he feels, nor do we know what she’s thinking, but she plays an important part in helping, both wittingly and unwittingly Jason to deal with a lot of his history. It was a challenge to make her more than just a trigger for Jason’s developing arc and a character with her own complex yet consistent backstory. She’s a lawyer too, so it’s nice to be able to make them a bit of a hero for once!
It is fascinating that you would pick someone other than your protagonist as your favorite. What are you most proud of regarding The Art of Spirit Capture?
I could be glib and say finishing it! But in fact most of my longer works have either been comic or with tough elements and adult themes. To write something that is life affirming without being either trite or digging out the funnies has been a real challenge for me and I like to think I’ve succeeded with this book.
I think it is admirable that you have ventured into a new challenge. What would you like readers to say about your work behind your back?
The most important things are that it makes sense, the plot hangs together, the characters are believable and the ending isn’t flat. I’m not very tolerant of writers who leave gaping holes in the plot or who create characters who are all good or all bad (unless for comic effect). And I dislike books that end with me feeling ‘is that it?’ I try very hard to avoid those traps. I can’t expect my readers to like my story, or the genre: that’s a very personal matter, but they can, rightly, expect the techniques I’ve applied to be to as high a standard as I can make them. Otherwise, it’s too easy for them to be contemptuous of Indie authors and the standards we set ourselves.
I’ve enjoyed chatting Geoff, but now it is time to let my readers know a little more about the book and where they can buy it. Thanks again for having me here at your place and good luck with The Art of Spirit Capture.
I’ve enjoyed it, John. Thank you for having me on your blog.
The Art of Spirit Capture book cover
Blurb
Jason Hales is at his lowest ebb: his brother is in a coma; his long-term partner has left him; he’s been sacked; and Christmas is round the corner to remind him how bad his life has become.
After receiving an unexpected call telling him he’s a beneficiary of his Great Aunt Heather’s estate, he visits the town he vaguely recalls from his childhood, where his great aunt lived. Wanting to find out more, he’s soon sucked into local politics revolving around his great uncle’s extraordinary glass ornaments, his ‘Captures’, and their future.
While trying to piece his life back together, he’ll have to confront a number of questions: What actually are these Captures and what is the mystery of the old wartime huts where his uncle fashioned them? Why is his surly neighbour so antagonistic? Can he trust anyone, especially the local doctor Owen Marsh and Charlotte Taylor, once a childhood adversary, but now the lawyer dealing with the estate? His worries pile up, with his ex in trouble, his flat rendered uninhabitable and his brother’s condition worsening. Will Christmas bring him any joy?
Set in the Sussex countryside, this is a modern novel with mystery, romance and magic at its core, as well as a smattering of hope, redemption and good cooking.
Geoff Le Pard started writing to entertain in 2006. He hasn’t left his keyboard since. When he’s not churning out novels he writes some maudlin self-indulgent poetry, short fiction and blogs at geofflepard.com. He walks the dog for mutual inspiration and most of his best ideas come out of these strolls. He also cooks with passion if not precision.
Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle is a coming of age story. Set in 1976 the hero Harry Spittle is home from university for the holidays. He has three goals: to keep away from his family, earn money and hopefully have sex. Inevitably his summer turns out to be very different to that anticipated.
In this, the second book in the Harry Spittle Sagas, it’s 1981 and Harry is training to be a solicitor. His private life is a bit of a mess and he’s far from convinced the law is for him. Then an old acquaintance from his hotel days appears demanding Harry write his will. When he dies somewhat mysteriously a few days later and leaves Harry in charge of sorting out his affairs, Harry soon realises this will be no ordinary piece of work. After all, his now deceased client inherited a criminal empire and several people are very interested in what is to become of it.
The third instalment of the Harry Spittle Sagas moves on the 1987. Harry is now a senior lawyer with a well-regarded City of London firm, aspiring to a partnership. However, one evening Harry finds the head of the Private Client department dead over his desk, in a very compromising situation. The senior partner offers to sort things out, to avoid Harry embarrassment but soon matters take a sinister turn and Harry is fighting for his career, his freedom and eventually his life as he wrestles with dilemma on dilemma. Will Harry save the day? Will he save himself?
Life in a Grain of Sand is a 30 story anthology covering many genres: fantasy, romance, humour, thriller, espionage, conspiracy theories, MG and indeed something for everyone. All the stories were written during Nano 2015
Salisbury Square is a dark thriller set in present day London where a homeless woman and a Polish man, escaping the police at home, form an unlikely alliance to save themselves.
Buster & Moo is about about two couples and the dog whose ownership passes from one to the other. When the couples meet, via the dog, the previously hidden cracks in their relationships surface and events begin to spiral out of control. If the relationships are to survive there is room for only one hero but who will that be?
Apprenticed To My Mother describes the period after my father died when I thought I was to play the role of dutiful son, while Mum wanted a new, improved version of her husband – a sort of Desmond 2.0. We both had a lot to learn in those five years, with a lot of laughs and a few tears as we went.
Life in a Conversation is an anthology of short and super short fiction that explores connections through humour, speech and everything besides. If you enjoy the funny, the weird and the heart-rending then you’ll be sure to find something here.
When Martin suggests to Pete and Chris that they spend a week walking, the Cotswolds Way, ostensibly it’s to help Chris overcome the loss of his wife, Diane. Each of them, though, has their own agenda and, as the week progresses, cracks in their friendship widen with unseen and horrifying consequences.
Famous poets reimagined, sonnets of all kinds, this poerty selection has something for all tastes, from the funny, to the poignant to the thought-provoking and always written with love and passion.
“Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”
This post originally ran on October 26th, 2015. Since we all have been through some storms this year, I thought it would still provide a chuckle.
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The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through various circumstances.
Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm
10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the grumpy-looking national guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)
9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best, you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and then asked some embarrassing questions designed to point out that it is dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window, huh?)
8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best, you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)
7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best, you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)
6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best, your shins will take a beating on the furniture. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)
5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best, you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)
4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best, the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (Don’t worry about trying to Google it. That wall of water is called a Tsunami)
3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away in the company of your neighbor’s swing set. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)
2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best, you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)
1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best, you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours, and once you get there, all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)
Welcome back to the tour. Today we are going to Lakeway Park to attend the Lions Club charity Dog event. Owners are encouraged to dress their dogs in costume and enjoy the stroll through the park. We are again being catered by June’s All Day in Austin. Our entertainment is Josh Stone.
Brunch Menu.
Café Breakfast choice of eggs, sliced ham & gruyère, housemade jam, buttered English muffin
Farm Egg Omelette Boursin, salted radish & green salad
Wine, spirits, beer, soft drinks, coffee, and tea.
So let’s go.
Here we are at the sign-up table. If you are walking, you get a bag t-shirt and tote. The guy is not included.
Halloween doggie.
Information on Paws for Prisons. A group who rescue dogs and then take them to people in prison to socialize and train them. Benefits for both dogs and humans.
Here is the sign telling us we are in the right place.
A nice trinket give-away table. Koozies, dog toothbrushes and toothpaste, leashes, and of course, information.
The first walker dressed as batman.
Looks like a farmer jones kind of costume.
The fish costume was a little too big. When the head is on, the dog can’t see.
A terrific prehistoric costume.
This one came as a nudest.
Cute little TuTu.
A lion.
Looks like the photographer is getting the stink eye.
A famous bull rider.
Superman.
A beautiful butterfly.
Well, that is the tour for today. I hope you enjoyed it. Now have some food and enjoy the music.
It was fortunate to find a nice quiet spot in the park where listening to the birds and enjoying the absence of human voices was possible. Spreading out a blanket fashioned in the design of the tartan of my maternal Grandmother, who was an immigrant from Scotland, made the strange park scene seem like home. Then, settling back and taking a Topo Chico out of the cooler, the process of pecking away at the latest story began.
Out of the corner of my eye, there was a flash, but when looking directly, there was nothing. Since seeing things has been part of my life for eons, a shoulders shrug was followed by a return to work. While typing away, a feeling of not being alone crept over me. You may have had the feeling at one time. You know you want to turn around and look behind you but are very reluctant to do so since it might be something you don’t want to see. It became apparent that the birds felt keeping quiet was the better part of valor in the stillness.
That’s when the hair stood up on my neck, and my flight response kicked into high gear. Not able to move fast enough before being grabbed from behind by a big smelly beast. Wanting to scream but prevented by a slippery hand sliding over my mouth, cutting off all sound. The calloused hand was wet with a slick substance that had a strong copper odor. Anyone who has read a horror story knows precisely what covered the hand.
The gag response decided to react to the smell, and after several involuntary moves, the beast released its grip. It threw me to the ground and put a singular finger to its lips accompanied by a widening of the eyes that signaled for me to shut the hell up. Taking the opportunity to size up the beast, the first stunner was the impression that whoever made this thing used several different body parts. Neither arm matched. One was hairy and one smooth. The legs looked like they were taken from a horse. The head resembled a Yeti without the good looks. “What chew lookin’ at bub.” Were the first words spoken. I stammered that I had never seen anything like it before, and it explained that it was the new prototype USPS postal person.
Immediately a thought came to mind about the blood on its hands. It explained that the last delivery was a side of beef, and it had not had a chance to wash up. The thing finally handed me an envelope and inside I found a message from Linda Hill. It read
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “body parts.” Pick a body part and talk about it. Make sure to leave a comment below or put a disclaimer at the top of your post if it’s NSFW! There are people who participate in SoCS and love to support others, but not everyone will want to read about private parts. Have fun!
If you would like to have, fun visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.
