This list is inspired by the waiting list of to do’s that have generally been classified as “Spring Cleaning Chores.” I have been studying the list (the first step) for the last few days and was reminded of all the things I needed to think about before getting to work. To those of you who have a spouse that seemingly takes an inordinate amount of time planning the approach to such tasks, be thankful you have a cautious worker on your staff. The end result will be final completion with minimal risk. To those not so lucky your trips to the emergency room are the payoff. (This last paragraph was a PSA on behalf of all those self-cleaners out there)  I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take a flight that was unplanned. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma.(Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best the spot removed will be a bigger as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best you may be surprised at how may things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick knack shelf is clean there may be no more knick knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled only to let go when you turn the machine off.   (Didn’t plan on starting over did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best the color will be close, and only your mother in law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture.(Now you have to do it twice huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (Well, that was a sound investment wasn’t it, Darling? Yes, the most feared words in the language)