Ten Things Not to Do When Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning

 

This list is inspired by the waiting list of to do’s that have generally been classified as “Spring Cleaning Chores.” I have been studying the list (the first step) for the last few days and was reminded of all the things I needed to think about before getting to work. To those of you who have a spouse that seemingly takes an inordinate amount of time planning the approach to such tasks, be thankful you have a cautious worker on your staff. The end result will be final completion with minimal risk. To those not so lucky your trips to the emergency room are the payoff. (This last paragraph was a PSA on behalf of all those self-cleaners out there)  I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take a flight that was unplanned. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma.(Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best the spot removed will be a bigger as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best you may be surprised at how may things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick knack shelf is clean there may be no more knick knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled only to let go when you turn the machine off.   (Didn’t plan on starting over did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best the color will be close, and only your mother in law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture.(Now you have to do it twice huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (Well, that was a sound investment wasn’t it, Darling? Yes, the most feared words in the language)

57 comments

  1. LOL! This was hilarious, John! Years ago, an old neighbor didn’t realize the power of a pressure washer…yikes! Happy Monday!

    1. I know right? I blew one of our decorative sconces right off. (quickly put it back before being noticed) Happy Monday to you. 🙂

  2. Spring cleaning?!?! I’m lucky if I do the normal ‘cleaning’ thing. Power washers, leaf blowers … oh my. My first aid kit couldn’t handle me trying to use those tools and I have an extensive first aid kit 😉

    1. I understand. When I’m doing household improvement work the EMS crew is on high alert. 😀

  3. I’m glad Tiny showed up, I was getting worried. #8 hits a little too close to home, John. Several years ago, after working on a ladder for a long time, I stepped off – and down about 6 feet. I had totally forgot where I was. No permanent damage, but I was done for that day.

    1. I rode one down about three years ago and took out a few ribs. A friend who is an emergency nurse told me how many serious ladder injuries she sees. Wife banned me from all ladders.

      1. When my wife saw me at the top of a 24′ ladder adding the trim to the addition we put on the house, she decided we were doing vinyl siding. She never wanted me up there trying to paint. Too bad, I could have hired Lucas 😉

      2. He could do it alright.

  4. I’ve only been able to use a power washer once. It was fun and I hope to do so again some day. Also, gravity is such a harsh mistress.

    1. Harsh mistress to all things organic. 😀

  5. I wish I’d thought of a leaf blower after asking teenagers to clean up their rooms for the hundredth time.

    1. We had a friend who walked into the teens room and then took a nail gun to all the clothes on the floor. Never had a problem after that. 😀

      1. peed my pants when he told me.

  6. I did an intensive under-the-bed cleaning… Waged war on the mutant dust bunnies. I barely got out alive! I think their cousins behind the piano are plotting revenge.
    Great post John. Have a marvelous Monday. Hugs!

    1. I hope you had back up, Teagan. The dust bunnies can get downright dangerous. Happy Uh Monday (Oxymoron) 🙂

  7. Hilarious, John. If Tiny lived next door when our hero bought the house I bet it was a rapid sale and he got a real bargain. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I think you are right Suzanne. Have to be real careful though. 🙂

  8. Another entertaining list, good sir! I’m going to leave those chores until spring actually arrives in my part of the world – maybe another 6 weeks!

    1. Good idea. Thanks, John

  9. I wish spring cleaning could be as entertaining as your list. Loved #5. And I do crank the radio, but hopefully, not as loud as culprit in #2 🙂

    1. I took the radio idea from the painters in our neighborhood. You can hear them for miles.

  10. Okay John… you have talked me out of it. No spring cleaning this year. None at all….. well, we will see what she says about it.

    1. Put your foot down. (then pull it back quickly)

  11. I am feeling like there may some firsthand experience here John!

    1. Ha ha ha. I am a ladder survivor. Thanks, Lynn.

  12. I’ve seen exploding vacuum bags. Not fun. Fun post, though. Happy Spring Cleaning, John.

    1. I love the fine distilled clean up. Thanks, Staci

  13. These are great reminders, especially #7 and #4. He who is not a chemist really has no business mixing chemicals, huh??

    1. I’m sure there have been a few that have tried.

  14. hahaha
    I remember my Dad with his powerwash just spread all the dirt off the drive up the wall my Mum went mad! The leaf blower in the sitting room was inspired 😀 did you try it?

    My top favourite would be: don’t empty all the draws and shelves with the intention of putting everything back in order and straight, you’ll get fed up half way through end up with a couple of tidy draws and the rest in a worse state than when you started.

    1. I never tried the leaf blower inside. Did the garage once to disastrous results. You are right about the draws.

  15. The leaf blower seemed to work well for Carl (Bill Murray) in Caddyshack.

    1. Good old Carl. Yes I remember.

  16. Cleaning is the worst, but it has to be done. Happy Spring! Funny post, John!

    1. Thanks. I think maybe a paper house would be the answer. Just roll it up when it gets dirty. 😀

      1. Right! That is perfect! Ha ha.

  17. Funny stuff!!! Since I just moved, I’ll skip Spring cleaning this year. 🙂

    1. Good idea. Maybe you can move every year. 😀

  18. I remember the days my house shone from top to bottom. These days, I need help with the dusting. Crap. I hate that.
    The list of things I’d attack with a power washer! The possibilities excite me. Clean is king but would the pressure blow out my shoulder? Forget it then. o_O 😀 😀

    1. You can handle the pressure. Go for it. 😀

  19. Nothing like watching painters do their thing when living by the gulf. 🙂

    1. I know. They are always here. 🙂

  20. 😂 thanks for the laughs, John! 😘🤣

    1. So glad you enjoyed it. 🙂 Thanks for letting me know.

  21. I like all the names at the end of each item … and Bosco? … do you recall the chocolate syrup?

    1. I do. A childhood friend had the nicest mom on the block and would invite us in for Bosco and milk. My mom was pretty strict about chocolate. I couldn’t even get Ovaltine.

      1. At least you got some Bosco!

  22. No leaf blower in the living room? What kind of communist country are we living in anyway?!

    PS- A sleepless Tiny is not good. For anybody.

    1. Sleepless Tiny is a nasty Tiny. (of course Tiny seems to be nasty all the time) Thanks, Pilgrim. 🙂

      1. Yeah, I don’t think Tiny needs an excuse for his nasty. It seems to come naturally for him.

      2. I think you are right.

  23. LOL! Great list! I’ve done #7. OMG! Don’t do it. Nearly knocked myself out with the fumes. 🙂

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