Tag: humor

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing an Amazon Review

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

 

 

This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there so this includes other categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy.

Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review

10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner a number of WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed use of the language.

9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a weak platform as Amazon reviews.

8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become that reviewer who everyone scrolls through to get to the next pithy statement and will be so noted in the comments section

7 When writing an Amazon review do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best those who disagree, will make their thoughts known and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)

6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars.

5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on how to remedy a problem with the product. If you do, at best the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with problems  they are having and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. Things will get ugly fast if you don’t help them.

4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or like. If you do, at best you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader.

3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best there is no way to write a review which will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself into an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public and be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room.

2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best your negative review will be the exception and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. Your bad experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit.

1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone so you need not take care in its construction. If you do, at best all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that by its very sloppiness needs to be mocked to the fullest. Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”

Top Ten Things Not to do In The Rain

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

 

 

This week’s list was prompted by the huge amount of rainfall that came down in California. I used to live in Sonoma and remember what it was like when the five and six-inch rainfalls hit. Most people are not aware that most of California is a desert and the people living there rely on the winter rainfalls to refill the reservoirs for use in the summer. It has been tough for the last few years since rainfall amounts were not up to levels that could sustain consumption through the summer. The latest round of rain has not eliminated the problem since fast accumulation generally means runoff as opposed to conservation. Our thoughts are with those in California and maybe a chuckle will help a little.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do in the Rain

10 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not engage cruise control. If you do, at best  you may have a spin out. At worst, your car will continue at a constant rate of speed as you slide off the highway into the old river gorge which is swollen with rain water and moving at fifty miles an hour.

9 If you are in the rain driving your car do not cross a puddle of unknown depth especially if you see the back fin of an unidentified fish. If you do, at best rescue will come before the car sinks. At worst, you and your car will be the subject of the six o’clock news as the coast guard boards your temporary boat and claps you in irons

8 If you are in the rain and don’t have an umbrella, do not hold a paper over your head. If you do, at best you will end up wet and ink-covered. At worst, you might be mistaken for a person with a paper mache head and have to deal with parents of children who are sure you are from a different planet.

7 If you are in the rain, do not try to run to minimize the effects of the raindrops. If you do, at best you will simply get wetter faster as a result of your increased velocity. At worst, running in a downpour has all the makings of a two-reel comedy especially if you slip and fall into a puddle as you step off the curb. (You know a cellphone camera will catch that underwear flash and all)

6 If you are in the rain and standing with people to get on the bus, do not mention the rain. If you do, at best those around you will think you are an idiot for discussing the obvious. At worst, you may just be lucky enough to be able to get under an umbrella and then be told to move since you  have made your umbrella mate uncomfortable with your observation of “wow some rain, huh.”

5 If you are in the rain and you are carrying anything, do not think you can keep it dry by shoving it under your clothes. If you do, at best you will have a cold wet lump next to your skin. At worst, those around you will think you have taken something illegally and turn you into the police who decide not to step out of their car in the rain but rather Taser you from inside the car.

4 If you are in the rain, do not try to eat your sandwich on the go. If you do, at best you will have to eat it too fast to save it from melting. At worst, you will be too slow and the best part of the sandwich will have run down the sleeve of the arm connected to the hand which was wrapped around the sandwich. This part of the sandwich will only be discovered when you raise your arm to ask a question of the visiting executive from the home office who will naturally think you rolled in something bad.

3 If you are in the rain, do not think your dog will perform as they usually do on walk. If you do, at best you and the dog will be in for a frustrating experience. At worst, your dog will associate rain with your disappointment and my want to help by leaving a surprise for you at the door before walk if it is raining outside to show you there is no need for the walk.

2 If you are in the rain and you have a flat tire, do not try to change it yourself. If you do, at best you will be soaking wet and dirty. At worst you might just be part of a freak accident where the car slips off the jack and rolls down an embankment only to become airborne until landing on a person’s roof below and coming to a stop in their living room. (While they are watching the six o’clock news about an earthquake in Asia) Okay, I’ll admit it’s not a realistic situation but hey, it could happen and why take the chance.

1 If you are in the rain, do not take your shoes off to prevent your Italian leathers from getting wet. If you do, at best you will only step on some strangers gum. At worst, you may step into a puddle that if you had your shoes on you would have tried to avoid only to discover someone let their pet piranhas loose for a run down the street without their leashes. The sad part is the piranhas were let loose prior to their tapir dinner.

Wednesday Story Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

 

 

Wednesday is story day and today is no different. These stories are designed to celebrate the fact that the week is more of less under control. It gives me a chance to stretch a little and get away for a few minutes from the job at hand with is my third book in the John Cannon trilogy. I am at about 72,000 words and I see the finish at close to 95,000. As I said last Friday, my characters forced me to write a little differently so it will take me a little longer. Hopefully, the detour will be worth it. Today’s story takes us back to Frank and Billy and if you will recall Billy had not shot his shotgun ever. The story is back at the Starbucks and is titled Next.

Next by John W. Howell ©2014

“Here’s your decaf latte Frank. Low foam and almond milk.”

“Yeah thanks.”

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? You gotta be kidding me.”

“You still upset that I haven’t shot this shotgun before.”

“Put that thing under your coat. You want the cops to pick us up?”

“Aren’t shotguns legal?”

“In a friggin’ Starbucks? Look around you see any pheasants in here? Don’t you think if a cop came in and saw you waving that thing around he might wonder what I’m doing with a 9MM automatic pistol.”

“I never thought about that. Yeah, your pistol is certainly not legal. Especially with that thirty shot magazine.”

“Please Billy. Please shut up and let me think. We need to have a plan to knock off the bank.”

“Can we do it without guns?”

“Like with what.”

“We could pretend we have a bomb or something.”

“I don’t think we would scare anyone into giving us money with a fake bomb.”

“We could make it look pretty real.”

“I don’t think so. Get me another latte will ya.”

“Sure. Be right back. Hey, Barista I would like another low foam, decaf, almond milk, latte.”

“You have to wait sir. You are not next.”

“Oh yeah, see this gun. Everyone on the floor. Barista draw that latte and don’t touch the alarm.”

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to do While Waiting Your Turn

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

 

Here is the 59th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from standing in a number of lines Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

 

10 If you are in line at a ferry do not turn off your car. If you do, at best the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your car over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water.

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy do not try to horn in on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive. At worst the store will hit you with an HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again.

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best you will hear the old excuse “oh I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet unassuming person who (unknown to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding.

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the rating of the movie. If you do, At best you will need to suffer through other questions like; “how long does it run?” At worst you will be faced with a spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly, while showing you a close up of a fist, to cut them some slack.

6. If you are in line at a convenience store do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out the specific scratch–off ticket, but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best you make have to explain your problem when asked. At worst you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary present.

5. If you are in line at the bank do not prompt the half asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best a person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “where’s the fire?”

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night asking you to come back tomorrow.

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best he will simple wave back and wait on others. At worst , the bartender will finally give you the old what’ll you have and then tell you they don’t have it and maybe they will across the street.

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up at the same time..

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best you will be chastised by the register barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling the faint essence of dirty socks and you should not ask why..

 

Wednesday Story Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

 

Wednesday story day again. This week’s story is based on some of my experiences in writing query letters to agents. I have to admit for the most part the responses I had from agents were cordial and for the most part to the point, although one hundred percent of the letters I sent out were not answered. Of those that were answered one hundred percent were rejections. I thought it would be fun to create a situation where a writer wanted to be represented by an agent and would go to extraordinary means. Here is the story titled Query.

Query by John W. Howell © 2014

“So you might as well have a seat. We don’t normally see people, but since you have been sitting in the lobby for three days we thought we would make an exception in your case.”

“I really appreciate it. I am anxious to get representation and didn’t think my query letter was actually reviewed.”

“Did you get an answer?”

“Yes. Here it is.”

“Let me look. I see I responded to your query and let you know your story was not one which we wanted to represent.”

“That’s what the letter says and why I’m here. Here is a copy of the query I sent.”

“ Let me review it for a moment. Okay, I am ready. So what do you want to know?”

“Why was my story not worth representation?”

“Well, you see that’s the tough part. Some in the firm actually liked your story as you described it.”

“Why reject it then?

“If you look at the first line of your letter you’ll see the word capitulate is misspelled.”

“Yes I see that now. How does that matter.”

“Believe me with the number of queries we get even one misspelled word is enough to say to us that you are not very particular about your work. Also look at the second line. There is a comma missing between two separate thoughts in a sentence.”

“Let me guess. Not very particular about my work. Right?”

“Yes. I have to say also although some of my colleagues liked your query, I personally don’t like these kinds of stories so I would find it hard to sell a publisher on your book.”

“You need to like something in order to sell it? Do you like all your client’s books?”

“Well to be honest No. I am partial to some though.”

“So how do you sell the books you don’t like?”

“They are usually by best-selling authors so it is a no-brainer.”

“I am beginning to understand. You take sure things. You take no risks. An unknown like me would certainly be a risk.”

“Well, that about sums it up.”

“Okay, I think I have taken enough of your time. Thank you Frank.”

“You are welcome Mr. Vonnegut. I certainly hope you don’t give up on your quest to be published. I wish you the best of luck.”

Top Ten List of What Not to do When Creating a Top Ten List

~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 54th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I decided to publish this list in case anyone wants to do a Top Ten. If so, contact me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com

 

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Creating Top Ten Lists

10. If you are creating a top ten list, do not wait until the last-minute before publication. If you do, at best you may have to go with nine. At worst, you might get stuck after two items which will lead to severe writer’s block which might transfer to your latest novel.

9. If you are creating a top ten list, do not ask your significant other how they like it. If you do, at best you might get an honest answer. At worst, you may find out your significant other and you have nothing what so ever in common and finally decide to part.

8. If you are creating a top ten list, do not choose a subject which is limited.( like creating top ten lists) If you do, at best you will be hard pressed to think of ten items, At worst, you will make your vulnerability on the subject transparent to everyone and you will be the laughing-stock of the blogosphere.

7. If you are creating top ten list, do not think you are in line for a Pulitzer prize. If you think you are, at best you will have a very bad day when the Pulitzers are announced. At worst you will set yourself up for a monumental disappointment that might cripple you for life.

6. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start if you can’t count to ten. If you do you, at best you may be asking others for help. At worst, you will muddle on with no hope of completing the task and no knowledge of why you will not do so.

5. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start a list at the number one. If you do, at best your readers will not understand the arrangement and complain since everyone knows you count down from ten. At worst, your action could force some fragile individuals to become wards of the state for the next twenty years since you have altered what they perceive as the universal normalcy.

4. If you are creating a top ten list, do not try to fit in some political rhetoric. If you do, at best you may get some opposing comments that are not very pleasing. At worst, you’ll have political trolls after you for the rest of your natural life and the only way to escape is to write under a nom de guerre.

3. If you are creating a top ten list, do not get wrapped up in the serious stuff. If you do, at best you may spend more time researching than the list is worth. At worst you may not do enough research and find yourself on Wikipedia as an example of an idiot.

2. If you are creating a top ten list, try to find some humorous things to say. If you don’t, at best you will collect some mercy likes, but no comments. At worst, you will watch your followers drop like flies at a Raid convention.

1. If you are creating a top ten list, try to remember the previous ten so you don’t end up repeat-ing yourself. If you forget, at best your readers will assume you are a lousy proofreader. At worst, they will come to the conclusion that your drinking problem has gotten to the point of intervention and the sound at the door is the friendly technicians from Sleepy Time Rehab trying to get in with your Demerol shot and the white jacket.

Wednesday Story Day and Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

 

 

Wednesday at last. This week seems like it is in a contest to see who can move the slowest. Well, we are at the halfway mark and time for a story. The story today is based on a real life experience I had the last week. I have to travel to San Antonio for medical care and each  six weeks I need to have an infusion to ward off the effects of an auto-immune disease which is my body attacking me. Anyway I was traveling along interstate 37 and had just entered the police protectorate zone of San Antonio. The speed limit changes from 75 to 70 just as one crosses the San Antonio River. I have been making this trip for two years and my custom is to adjust my cruise control from 81 MPH in the 75 zone to 70 MPG in a 70.

Well, there I was, cruising at 81, listening to the Classic Queen CD. I was also looking for the pills I’m supposed to take an hour before the procedure. I find the pills, open a water, take the pills and wash them down. All fine and dandy with one exception, I had crossed the demark from 75 to 70 and was preoccupied. A minute after I had the feeling something was wrong, one of San Antonio’s finest was suggesting strongly I pull over. Not wanting to add evasion to an already serious offense (11 miles over the speed limit) I stopped. I pulled off right next to the 70 MPH sign. Unfortunately I had been in the 70 zone for a few minutes and really had no excuse. I guess I could have mentioned my procedure, but one look at the officer and I knew he wouldn’t give a rip. I kept my dignity and didn’t beg for mercy. Lucky for me, since he didn’t give me any. I get to pay $114.00 and the cost of traffic school.  So here is a riff on a traffic stop. Of course, it stars my old pal Frank. Hope you like it.

Traffic Stop by John W. Howell ©2014

“Any idea why I pulled you over?”

“Not only do I not have a clue, but this has never happened to me before.”

“Yes I’m sure. Well I had you at 81 in a 70 zone.”

“81 in a 70? So what?”

“So what? Do you realize how unsafe that kind of speed could be to innocent drivers who get in your way?”

“No one gets in my way. Speaking of in the way, tell me again what gave you the idea to pull me over?”

“First of all sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and remain in your vehicle. You are in enough trouble without adding any other charges.”

“Any other charges? Are you crazy? You don’t have the authority to add anything. And as far as remaining in my car is concerned I will damn well do what I please. I believe this is an unlawful stop and I just might be forced to swear out a complaint against you. What is your name again? I missed it the first time.”

“My name is Frank.”

“Frank what?”

“I don’t think that is any of your business.”

“Well Frank. Now that you have interfered with police business by detaining me from my appointed rounds. Now that you refuse to identify yourself to an officer of the law when requested. Now that you have demonstrated that you could be a safety risk to yourself and others, you are under arrest. You have the right to an attorney and if you can’t afford an attorney one will be provided by the court. Anything you say, can and will be held against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights Frank?

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Playing Sports with Friends

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a sports with friends

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis or Eight Ball with Friends

10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.

6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.

5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.

4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.

2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Choosing to Adopt a Pet

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

Here is the 38th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

PetAdoptionAd

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

10.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision.  If you do go without your significant other, at best your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night.  At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”

9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, that they will always be a perfect size for cuddling.  At best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you.  At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.

8.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out.  At best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home.  At worst, you may find those new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery causing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.

7.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire.  At best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model.  At worst, you may have to learn to live with having your brown velour furniture look like it has been blanketed with snow.

6.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life.  At best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love and together you will find a proper home for the python.  At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.

5.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs.  While generally that may be true, at best, you may find  your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly training you to give it what it wants when it wants it).  At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”

4.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow.  At best, you may wind up deciding at least you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window.  At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!

3.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a lease in public places.  At best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!”  At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write-up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.

2.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed.  At best, your landlord never visits your apartment and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your oscar cichlid, a secret.  At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your  landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.

1.  When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one.  At best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours.  At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will since as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown greater.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on St. Patrick’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 37th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

a patty

Top Ten Things Not to do on Saint Patrick’s Day

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Guinness stout drinks just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for the coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing-stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic and there is still snow on the ground.

4.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and you say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find your self embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.

2.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, there will be several photos snapped that you will pay large sums to have deleted.

1.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green.  If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.