The Art of Spirit Capture by Geoff Le Pard – #Newbook

Geoff Le Pard’s garden with Dog

I am very pleased to have as my guest Geoff Le Pard. Geoff is one of these writers who can have me gasping for breath after a long series of belly laughs. His humorous approach to most subjects is appreciated by his loyal followers and by me. Geoff is introducing a new book and I jumped at the chance to interview him today. We’ve decided to do the interview in his beautiful garden outside of London. So with that introduction let’s get to my first question.

Geoff some of my readers are big fans and some still need an introduction. How would you introduce yourself to those who are not familiar with your work?

For those who don’t know me, I’m an outwardly sixty-something Brit (Inside, I’m still in my late teens, wondering what life has in store), residing in one of London’s villages some five miles to the south of the Capital’s centre. In those six and a half decades, I have stopped: being self-conscious; practicing as a lawyer (you can only practice for so long before you realise you’re not getting any better); attempting consecutive cartwheels (now its single cartwheels and time spent in traction); being embarrassed by my hair; believing I should try and be politically correct; expecting to be called up to play cricket for England; buying new suits and wearing ties, save to hold up trousers; and weighing myself. In that same period I have started: writing in all styles and genres; volunteering; practising as a parent (unlike the law, you have to keep practising); baking with increasing competence; a deep continuing love affair with both my wife and Dog; a no doubt lifelong relationship with my lawn; nightly excursions to the bathroom; ballroom and Latin American dancing (I can waltz but I’m still one cha sort of the full set); and a determination to go green, though, I hope, not because of a creeping stasis that leaves me susceptible to developing mould. I find pleasure in small things (and I will leave the smutty amongst you to run with the obvious double entendre), inspiration in the opaque and opulent alike, and I have developed a firm belief that nowadays I need little stuff and loads of new experiences, which post Covid I intend embracing with the grip of an anaconda and the lack of embarrassment of my great aunt Ruby, whose attempts to offer free hugs to all and sundry in her small village were received, mostly, with delight, save for those few who were allergic to lavender. I can’t stand grapefruit or marmite, Tintin and Paddington Bear remain my heroes and in the eleven general elections since I was eligible to vote, I have put my cross next to all the main political parties at least once as well as spoiling my ballot though a poorly timed sneeze and voted for the Monster Raving Loony party merely to irritate my father. I am blood type A+ which annoyingly makes me very common.

I love the items that you have stopped and admire those you have continued. Do you have a writing routine and if so would you care to share it?

Impulse driven would be the best way to describe it; nearly every day, when I wake I have it firmly at the front of my mind to settle down to some serious writing time, before the events of that day overwhelm me and it’s 7pm and I’m digesting dinner. I suppose my most productive time is from then until any time up to 1 am – yep, a night owl – but it doesn’t happen every day. Sadly.

The idea of hitting placing in your mind the idea that you will get serious writing done is something we all should do. What has been your most satisfactory writing experience so far?

There isn’t just one. Meeting some like-minded people and sharing our experiences on various writing courses always leaves me energised. Each time a book goes live is a great feeling. Realising a complete stranger has chosen to read one of my books and commented on it is one of the best; and if they enjoyed it, better still.

I share your feelings about the writing community and a new book launch which is a nice segway into my next question. You are introducing a new book The Art Of Spirit Capture. Can you tell us a little about how you came to that title?

I joined in a regular weekly prompt that the late Sue Vincent started called writephoto. This particular week, she published an image of a Christmas glass bauble through which the Christmas lights had refracted into a myriad of rainbows. The idea that came to me was what if these weren’t just inert glass pendants but had somehow captured the spirit of a dying person, releasing a little of that spirit each Christmas to enhance the lives of the bereaved loved ones. That 500 word short piece was called Spirit Capture. When I decided to expand from that to this novel, the title grew too. Literary inflation, huh!

I think we all have had literary inflation at one time or another. Is this book different from those you have written and if so what makes it different?

It is different. It is a romance/mystery/modern fantasy with magical realism notes. Is that a genre? It is now, I suppose. My last novel (Walking Into Trouble) was a buddy mystery with adult themes around loyalty and friendships and what happens if you test them to destruction. A recent reviewer called it a sex mystery which is a bit of a stretch but there is a certain amount of unfaithfulness in it.  I’ve also written novels that cover: a comedic coming of age story set in 1976 (Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle) and then followed the characters as their lives moved on, dipping back in, in two more instalments set 1981 (The Last Will of Sven Andersen) and 1987 (Booms and Busts) -my next book will probably be the next instalment, set in 1997; a contemporary thriller exploring corruption, politics and religion (My Father and Other Liars); another adult book that focuses on the destructive nature of homelessness and displacement (Salisbury Square); a four way contemporary piece of lives interacting and fracturing (Buster and Moo); I’ve managed three anthologies of short fiction (Life, in a Grain of Sand; Life, in a Flash; and Life, in a Conversation), a memoir about me and my mother between my father’s death and hers (Apprenticed to My Mother); and a book of poetry (The Sincerest Form of Poetry)

A very impressive body of work Geoff which brings to mind who would you consider an inspiration to your writing and why?

That sort of depends on what I’m writing. In comedy, it is probably Sue Townsend, Helen Fielding, and Tom Sharpe; contemporary writing and it would be Graham Swift, Neil Gaiman, and Ian Banks. Poetry and it’s Roger McGough, Wendy Cope, and Carol-Ann Duffy. Not sure about memoir…

Who is your favorite character in The Art of Spirit Capture and why?

It’s probably Charlotte ‘Lotte’ Taylor, the woman who the main protagonist Jason (we see the unfolding story through his eyes) realises at the end of chapter one he will have to deal with, and yet his memories of her, from their childhood are far from pleasant. She doesn’t realise how he feels, nor do we know what she’s thinking, but she plays an important part in helping, both wittingly and unwittingly Jason to deal with a lot of his history. It was a challenge to make her more than just a trigger for Jason’s developing arc and a character with her own complex yet consistent backstory. She’s a lawyer too, so it’s nice to be able to make them a bit of a hero for once!

It is fascinating that you would pick someone other than your protagonist as your favorite. What are you most proud of regarding The Art of Spirit Capture?

I could be glib and say finishing it! But in fact most of my longer works have either been comic or with tough elements and adult themes. To write something that is life affirming without being either trite or digging out the funnies has been a real challenge for me and I like to think I’ve succeeded with this book.

I think it is admirable that you have ventured into a new challenge. What would you like readers to say about your work behind your back?

The most important things are that it makes sense, the plot hangs together, the characters are believable and the ending isn’t flat. I’m not very tolerant of writers who leave gaping holes in the plot or who create characters who are all good or all bad (unless for comic effect). And I dislike books that end with me feeling ‘is that it?’  I try very hard to avoid those traps. I can’t expect my readers to like my story, or the genre: that’s a very personal matter, but they can, rightly, expect the techniques I’ve applied to be to as high a standard as I can make them. Otherwise, it’s too easy for them to be contemptuous of Indie authors and the standards we set ourselves.

I’ve enjoyed chatting Geoff, but now it is time to let my readers know a little more about the book and where they can buy it. Thanks again for having me here at your place and good luck with The Art of Spirit Capture.

I’ve enjoyed it, John. Thank you for having me on your blog.

The Art of Spirit Capture book cover

Blurb

Jason Hales is at his lowest ebb: his brother is in a coma; his long-term partner has left him; he’s been sacked; and Christmas is round the corner to remind him how bad his life has become.

After receiving an unexpected call telling him he’s a beneficiary of his Great Aunt Heather’s estate, he visits the town he vaguely recalls from his childhood, where his great aunt lived. Wanting to find out more, he’s soon sucked into local politics revolving around his great uncle’s extraordinary glass ornaments, his ‘Captures’, and their future.

While trying to piece his life back together, he’ll have to confront a number of questions: What actually are these Captures and what is the mystery of the old wartime huts where his uncle fashioned them? Why is his surly neighbour so antagonistic? Can he trust anyone, especially the local doctor Owen Marsh and Charlotte Taylor, once a childhood adversary, but now the lawyer dealing with the estate? His worries pile up, with his ex in trouble, his flat rendered uninhabitable and his brother’s condition worsening. Will Christmas bring him any joy?

Set in the Sussex countryside, this is a modern novel with mystery, romance and magic at its core, as well as a smattering of hope, redemption and good cooking.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

 

Geoff the cleric

Bio

Geoff Le Pard started writing to entertain in 2006. He hasn’t left his keyboard since. When he’s not churning out novels he writes some maudlin self-indulgent poetry, short fiction and blogs at geofflepard.com. He walks the dog for mutual inspiration and most of his best ideas come out of these strolls. He also cooks with passion if not precision.

Geoff Le Pard’s Amazon Author Page

His other books

My Father and Other Liars is a thriller set in the near future and takes its heroes, Maurice and Lori-Ann on a helter-skelter chase across continents.

Smashwords

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Dead Flies and Sherry Trifle is a coming of age story. Set in 1976 the hero Harry Spittle is home from university for the holidays. He has three goals: to keep away from his family, earn money and hopefully have sex. Inevitably his summer turns out to be very different to that anticipated.

Smashwords

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

In this, the second book in the Harry Spittle Sagas, it’s 1981 and Harry is training to be a solicitor. His private life is a bit of a mess and he’s far from convinced the law is for him. Then an old acquaintance from his hotel days appears demanding Harry write his will. When he dies somewhat mysteriously a few days later and leaves Harry in charge of sorting out his affairs, Harry soon realises this will be no ordinary piece of work. After all, his now deceased client inherited a criminal empire and several people are very interested in what is to become of it.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

The third instalment of the Harry Spittle Sagas moves on the 1987. Harry is now a senior lawyer with a well-regarded City of London firm, aspiring to a partnership. However, one evening Harry finds the head of the Private Client department dead over his desk, in a very compromising situation. The senior partner offers to sort things out, to avoid Harry embarrassment but soon matters take a sinister turn and Harry is fighting for his career, his freedom and eventually his life as he wrestles with dilemma on dilemma. Will Harry save the day? Will he save himself?

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Life in a Grain of Sand is a 30 story anthology covering many genres: fantasy, romance, humour, thriller, espionage, conspiracy theories, MG and indeed something for everyone. All the stories were written during Nano 2015

Smashwords

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Salisbury Square is a dark thriller set in present day London where a homeless woman and a Polish man, escaping the police at home, form an unlikely alliance to save themselves.

This is available here

Smashwords

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Buster & Moo is about about two couples and the dog whose ownership passes from one to the other. When the couples meet, via the dog, the previously hidden cracks in their relationships surface and events begin to spiral out of control. If the relationships are to survive there is room for only one hero but who will that be?

Smashwords

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Life in a Flash is a set of super short fiction, flash and micro fiction that should keep you engaged and amused for ages

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Smashwords

 

Apprenticed To My Mother describes the period after my father died when I thought I was to play the role of dutiful son, while Mum wanted a new, improved version of her husband – a sort of Desmond 2.0. We both had a lot to learn in those five years, with a lot of laughs and a few tears as we went.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Life in a Conversation is an anthology of short and super short fiction that explores connections through humour, speech and everything besides. If you enjoy the funny, the weird and the heart-rending then you’ll be sure to find something here.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

 

When Martin suggests to Pete and Chris that they spend a week walking, the Cotswolds Way, ostensibly it’s to help Chris overcome the loss of his wife, Diane. Each of them, though, has their own agenda and, as the week progresses, cracks in their friendship widen with unseen and horrifying consequences.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

 

Famous poets reimagined, sonnets of all kinds, this poerty selection has something for all tastes, from the funny, to the poignant to the thought-provoking and always written with love and passion.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

 

 

 

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 335 by Keith Channing

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo

You and Me by John W. Howell © 2021

“I don’t know Jacques. I would say the air is more like blue.”

“Well, either way, I don’t like it.”

“You and me both, brother. What do you suppose happened?”

“Hard to tell. You know how those idiots keep threatening each other with annihilation.”

“You don’t suppose they finally did it.”

“You have to admit, it is pretty quiet.”

“Yeah. It’s like there is only you and me here.”

“You think?”

“I almost don’t want to believe that could be true.”

“If it is, what are we going to do?”

“Um, I would say have a great time.”

“Why do you think what got them didn’t get us?”

“I think it might be we already had the bird flu.”

“So you think that’s what did them in?”

“That or maybe one too many cheeseburgers.”

“Really?”

“No. I’m just messing with you. Let’s fly to the city and see if anyone else is around.”

“If it is bird flu, those Peragine hawks are going to be all over that place.”

“Yeah, maybe you are right. Let’s fly to Starbucks. If no humans are there, then you know we are alone.”

“Better idea. Could also check Chick-Fil-A too.”

“Great point. Let’s go.”

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

Photo by Henrieke Fischer on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on October 26th, 2015. Since we all have been through some storms this year, I thought it would still provide a chuckle.

* * *

The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through various circumstances.

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the grumpy-looking national guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)

9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best, you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and then asked some embarrassing questions designed to point out that it is dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window, huh?)

8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best, you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)

7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best, you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)

6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best, your shins will take a beating on the furniture. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)

5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best, you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)

4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best, the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (Don’t worry about trying to Google it. That wall of water is called a Tsunami)

3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away in the company of your neighbor’s swing set. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)

2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best, you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)

1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best, you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours, and once you get there, all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)

Views of the Neighborhood – Lions Club Charity Dog Walk

Welcome back to the tour. Today we are going to Lakeway Park to attend the Lions Club charity Dog event. Owners are encouraged to dress their dogs in costume and enjoy the stroll through the park. We are again being catered by June’s All Day in Austin. Our entertainment is Josh Stone.

Brunch Menu.

Café Breakfast
choice of eggs, sliced ham & gruyère,
housemade jam, buttered English muffin 

Farm Egg Omelette
Boursin, salted radish & green salad 

Croque Madame
jambon Paris, gruyère, fried egg, mixed greens


Smoked Salmon Nicoise Salad
classic with dill crème fraîche


June’s Charbroiled Burger
grilled onions & jalapeños, American cheese,
pickles & french fries


Bone Marrow Bolognaise
handkerchief pasta, kale, parmesan


Fried Chicken Sandwich
kohlrabi ranch slaw, hot sauce


Matzo Ball Caldopoached chicken, vegetables, avocado, jalapeños, soft egg


Grilled Lamb Marquez and Poached Eggs
couscous with caponata and sumac yogurt

Grilled Chicken Paillard
harissa, wild arugula, fennel, parmesan 

Steak & Parmesan Fried Egg
crispy marble potatoes, salsa verde

Wine, spirits, beer, soft drinks, coffee, and tea.

Picture of an old time school bus

So let’s go.

Here we are at the sign-up table. If you are walking, you get a bag t-shirt and tote. The guy is not included.

Halloween doggie.

Information on Paws for Prisons. A group who rescue dogs and then take them to people in prison to socialize and train them. Benefits for both dogs and humans.

Here is the sign telling us we are in the right place.

A nice trinket give-away table. Koozies, dog toothbrushes and toothpaste, leashes, and of course, information.

The first walker dressed as batman.

Looks like a farmer jones kind of costume.

The fish costume was a little too big. When the head is on, the dog can’t see.

A terrific prehistoric costume.

This one came as a nudest.

Cute little TuTu.

A lion.

Looks like the photographer is getting the stink eye.

A famous bull rider.

Superman.

A beautiful butterfly.

Well, that is the tour for today. I hope you enjoyed it. Now have some food and enjoy the music.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Body Parts

 

 

A picture of a string with drops of water- the logo for SoCSIt was fortunate to find a nice quiet spot in the park where listening to the birds and enjoying the absence of human voices was possible. Spreading out a blanket fashioned in the design of the tartan of my maternal Grandmother, who was an immigrant from Scotland, made the strange park scene seem like home. Then, settling back and taking a Topo Chico out of the cooler, the process of pecking away at the latest story began.

Out of the corner of my eye, there was a flash, but when looking directly, there was nothing. Since seeing things has been part of my life for eons, a shoulders shrug was followed by a return to work. While typing away, a feeling of not being alone crept over me. You may have had the feeling at one time. You know you want to turn around and look behind you but are very reluctant to do so since it might be something you don’t want to see. It became apparent that the birds felt keeping quiet was the better part of valor in the stillness.

That’s when the hair stood up on my neck, and my flight response kicked into high gear. Not able to move fast enough before being grabbed from behind by a big smelly beast.  Wanting to scream but prevented by a slippery hand sliding over my mouth, cutting off all sound. The calloused hand was wet with a slick substance that had a strong copper odor. Anyone who has read a horror story knows precisely what covered the hand.

The gag response decided to react to the smell, and after several involuntary moves, the beast released its grip.  It threw me to the ground and put a singular finger to its lips accompanied by a widening of the eyes that signaled for me to shut the hell up. Taking the opportunity to size up the beast, the first stunner was the impression that whoever made this thing used several different body parts. Neither arm matched. One was hairy and one smooth. The legs looked like they were taken from a horse. The head resembled a Yeti without the good looks. “What chew lookin’ at bub.” Were the first words spoken. I stammered that I had never seen anything like it before, and it explained that it was the new prototype USPS postal person.

Immediately a thought came to mind about the blood on its hands. It explained that the last delivery was a side of beef, and it had not had a chance to wash up. The thing finally handed me an envelope and inside I found a message from Linda Hill. It read

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “body parts.” Pick a body part and talk about it. Make sure to leave a comment below or put a disclaimer at the top of your post if it’s NSFW! There are people who participate in SoCS and love to support others, but not everyone will want to read about private parts. Have fun!

If you would like to have, fun visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

https://lindaghill.com/2021/10/22/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-october-23-2021/

Body Parts by John W. Howell © 2021

“So who made the monster out of body parts?”

“I think the feds.”

“Legs from a horse?”

“Fast delivery.”

“OMG. You have finally flipped.”

“Come on it’s a stupid story.”

“Where did the USPS monster go?”

“Had more rounds.”

“Side of beef?”

“Neither rain, sleet, snow, dead of night, or cow carcass will keep them from their appointed rounds.”

“I need a drink after all that.”

“Should I call the USPS?”

“I think I’m going to use UPS from now on.’

“It’s fiction for heaven’s sake.”

“Just the same.”

“I think I’m going to have a VooDoo Ranger IPA.”

“To go with your warped sense of fiction.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF and Good News Friyay

It is Friday again, and we are so grateful that we didn’t miss it. Today is also Good News Friyay, and we have two stories.

The first story is about the preliminary test of the Boyan Slat ‘Jenny’ Ocean clean-up system.

Photo courtesy of The Ocean Cleanup

Boyan Slat’s team removed 20,000 pounds of plastic debris from one of the significant “plastic islands” in the Pacific on the first trial of his System 002 nicknamed “Jenny.” It is a system where two boats pull a  u-shaped collection device. (pictured) “The Great Pacific Garbage Patch can now be cleaned,” announced Dutch entrepreneur Boyan Slat, the wunderkind inventor who’s spent a decade inventing systems for waterborne litter collection. This means the 1.4 trillion pieces of plastic down to 1mm in size can be removed from the oceans by 2040.

Photo courtesy of the Ocean Cleanup

A shot of the plastic picked up. See any of your stuff in there?

Our second story is just plain good news for one person Randy Bachman of The Guess Who and Bauchman Turner Overdrive. Of course, we can all feel good about one guy who heard the story of Randy having his guitar stolen out of his hotel room and searched the world till he found it.

Photo courtesy of Randy Bachman

William Long is a fan of Bachman’s and he heard that Randy had worked long and hard as a kid to buy the $400.00 1957 Gretsch 6120 Chet Atkins model in Western Orange. The guitar was stolen in 1976 and Long did some internet work and found it in Tokoyo Japan. Long reached out to Bachman who in turn had his Japanese daughter-in-law contact the current owner. The owner was more than pleased to return the guitar to Bachman if a replacement could be found. Bachman went to work and found one that was made at the same time on the same bench. This was out of the 40 Gretsch’s known to exist. An exchange is being arranged. The good news of this story is someone cared enough to look for the guitar and another cared enough to return it to it’s original owner.

Today’s JohnKu talks about helping each other. I hope you have a grand weekend.

Help by John W. Howell © 2021

When we see someone,

Who needs help out of trouble. . .

Do we lend a hand?

 

 

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy Gets a New Ball

“What is that thing, Little one?”

“It’s a new ball, and I’m nuts for it.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m coming up to see it.”

“I didn’t think you liked balls.”

“It’s not that I don’t like balls. I just don’t like to play with them too much.”

“So you are not interested in this one?”

“Let’s see. Shaped like a football and little nubs on it. In a word, no.”

“Well, I sure am enjoying it.”

“I can see that. You’re going to be thirsty after all that drool.”

“Comes with the territory. Mmm. This tastes like bacon.”

“You don’t have to run. I’m not fond of rubber bacon.”

“Well, you never know. I should keep my mouth shut.”

“No. I’m glad you told me, but it still doesn’t make a difference. I’ll pass.”

“You are a paragon of self-control for sure.”

“I don’t know about self-control, but a green football is not high on my prey list.”

“I have a hard time resisting it. What a treat.”

“I don’t suppose you are interested in the fact that squirrel is having his way with the acorns, are you?”

“He’ll be there tomorrow. For today it’s the green ball or nothing.”

“I think you might be better off with nothing.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 334 by Keith Channing

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

Show me the Way to Go Home © 2021

“Okay, you want to tell me what made you do that?”

“What?”

“Tell the boss that he could take a hike.”

“He was getting on my nerves.”

“For heaven’s sake. That’s what humans do.”

“Well, I just couldn’t take any more.”

“Your barking was getting annoying.”

“Did you see all those people we passed?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“They needed to be taught a lesson.”

“Which is?”

“This is my Earth, and you need to get off.”

“Says the narcissistic sociopath.”

“Aw, come on. You know you would like to bark those idiots to mars.”

“But I don’t, and that is the difference.”

“I would say the boss needed to be taught a lesson.”

“Which was.”

“Don’t stand between a dog and his bark.”

“Okay. Maybe you need to be taught a lesson too.”

“And what would that be?”

“How to start and drive a car.”

“Yeah. Maybe I was a bit rash.”

“You think?”

 

Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

This list was originally posted on October 18th, 2015. I think I might still be helpful.

* * *

This list is inspired by going through some boxes recently and coming across some unusual things. Of course, most of what follows is made up, so I didn’t have these experiences. I would ask the Wall Street Journal to fact-check entirely before using this story.

Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find

10 If you find an unopened box, don’t open it. If you do, at best, you might find someone’s old toss-outs or laundry. At worst, you may find the remains of last year’s Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be thrown out. (You still can’t get the image out of your brain)

9 If you find a lawnmower at the side of the road, do not pick it up. If you do, at best, you will find out why it was thrown away. At worst, you will put it in a garage sale only to have the original owner accuse you of theft. (How he knew it was his is anyone’s guess)

8 If you find a lamp that has washed up on the beach, do not rub it. If you do, at best, it will turn out to be made in China. At worst, you will be given three wishes by a fierce-looking genie, and you won’t get it right. (You thought you would be clever when you asked for a million bucks and now have a deer-feed bill that won’t quit)

7 If you find what you think is a treasure chest in your backyard, leave it where it is. If you don’t, at best, you will find it full of smelly dirt. At worst, it will have things inside carrying a Blackbeard curse. (Go ahead and try to spend those doubloons before your hand falls off)

6 If you find what looks like a bomb in your garage, run away. If you don’t, at best, it is only a handmade school project. At worst, old man Jones finally made good on his threat to” blow you to kingdom come.” (Suddenly you remember he used to work for a demolition company)

5 If you find a set of golf clubs at a garage sale, don’t buy ’em. If you do, at best, you will find they weren’t worth what you paid for them, even if it was only a dollar. At worst, once you take up the game, you will find out why they were for sale in the first place. (How’s that high blood pressure medicine working for you?)

4 If you find a washer on the curb of your neighborhood, leave it there. If you don’t, at best, you will only be successful in relocating it to your curb. At worst, you will spend the time and trouble to hook it up only to find the spin, and the empty cycle doesn’t work.  (Soaking wet clothes weigh a ton. Right?)

3 If you find a strange object with colored lights in the woods behind your house, call the police. If you don’t, at best, it is only your neighbor testing the outdoor Christmas tree lights. At worst, you will be asked to join the expedition to a funny place where they will run experiments on you and then send you back. (You say no one believes your story? Really?)

2 If you find a note on the kitchen table, pretend not to see it. If you don’t, at best, it is an old shopping list. At worst, it is a goodbye note with the name of a lawyer at the bottom who is now your only contact. (And you thought being nice was something you didn’t have to do)

1 If you find a large, five-toed animal footprint in the yard, call animal control. If you don’t, at best, it is nothing but the neighbor’s new dog. At worst, it is the long-lost Yeti-like drooling, smelly, hairy thing that is now taking up residence in your shed and suddenly has a thing for you. (Just smile, and maybe it will go away).

Views of the Neighborhood – Grand Re-Opening of the Hills Golf Course

Today we are going to a big event in Lakeway. The Hills County Club golf course was designed by Jack Nicklaus and opened in 1981. The course has undergone a major renovation led by the Jack Nicklaus team and is now ready for play. The ribbon-cutting ceremony and the official opening are what we are going to visit. Our brunch is being catered by Le Politique of Austin. Our entertainment is Linda Ronstadt.

Menu

CROQUE MONSIEUR Griddled ham & comté cheese sandwich, sauce mornay, dijon+ add a fried egg

STEAK FRITES 10oz grilled Texas ribeye, red wine herb butter, fries, sauce béarnaise (

SEARED SNAPPER PROVENÇAL Seared tomatoes, niçoise olives, and onions, parsley lemon foam

CHICKEN PAILLARD Breaded chicken, capers, brown butter, lemon, farm lettuce

TROUT ALMONDINE Seared trout, rice pilaf, lemon brown butter, toasted almonds

ROYALE WITH CHEESE Grass-fed beef, caramelized onions, swiss & gruyère cheese, Russian dressing, pickles, fries

OMELETTE Free-range local eggs, Boursin pepper cheese, butter lettuce

PARISIAN GNOCCHI Seared mushrooms, brandy-infused cream sauce

MOULES FRITES Bouchot mussels, white wine broth, crème fraîche, thyme, sourdough

Picture of an old time school bus

Hop on the bus, and let’s go.

The sky is threatening rain.

The registration desk.

Play Yellow is a children’s charity established by Jack Nicklaus to benefit Dell’s Children’s Medical Center in Austin and Nicklaus Children’s Hospital in Florida. The Hills Country Club has taken on Play Yellow as its charity.

The ribbon-cutting scissors.

Speeches by the Club President and a video featuring Jack Nicklaus.

Tom Kite, (left) a former US Open winner, will hit the ceremonial first ball off the first tee.

Cutting the ribbon on the first tee. A group of the club officer and Tom Kite.

Tom’s shot. You can see the ball just off the clubhead beginning its rise to the fairway.

Also on the agenda was a putting contest that offered a $25,000 first prize to the winner and $25,000 to Play Yellow for sinking a 150-yard putt. Unfortunately, none of the four finalists made it. The second prize was for closest to the pin.

A photo was taken with a waterfall backdrop back when the course was new. All Masters Tournament winners – Byron Nelson, Jack Nicklaus, Charles Cootie, and Ben Crenshaw.

The waterfall today.

I hope you enjoyed our outing now. Sit back and enjoy the brunch and music. I hope you have a wonderful week.