Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping.

May 1, 2023April 30, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

This post first appeared on February 27th, 2017. Since its purpose was simple humor, I think running again is okay.

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The inspiration for this list was the desire to do a top ten post that would provide no useful information but just an attempt at humor. I picked bungee jumping since most of you have never contemplated doing something that obscure. If you have, then all the better. I hope you enjoy the list, even though it may not apply to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping.

10 While Bungee jumping, do not attempt to light your smoke. If you do, at best, you’ll still be trying at the bottom of the jump. At worst, you’ll be successful, and between the highs and lows of the leap, your shirt is now on fire. (Tough to put out with this wind, huh, Bunky?)

9 While Bungee Jumping, do not attempt to tighten your ankle cuffs. If you do at best, you will turn the keys properly for tightening. At worst, you’ll be confused and loosen them instead. (Sure feels funny this free-flight thing, huh, Pilgrim?)

8 While Bungee jumping, do not try to impress your friends with too many acrobatics. If you do, at best, that Triple Lux comes off without a hitch. At worst, you have extended the Bungee cords about one foot too far. (You could have used that foot when you hit the canyon floor, Buford?)

7 While Bungee jumping, do not try to eat your leftover Pad Thai mid-air. If you do, at best, you might get a bite or two. At worst, you’ll finish the jump looking like the after photo of a food fight. (If careful, you can save some of those noodles, Buster.)

6 While Bungee jumping, do not group text your friends. If you do, At best, your text won’t be understood. At worst, the auto-correct feature will alienate every friend you have. (You thought the message, “Best of Luck to You,” would be well received, huh, Leroy?”)

5 While Bungee jumping, do not edit your latest manuscript. If you do, at best, you get one or two words covered before the first bounce. At worst, the wind will take your manuscript and spread it over several miles. (Should have numbered those pages, huh, Slick?)

4 While Bungee jumping, do not close your eyes on the way down. If you do, at best, you might miss the good parts. At worst, the ride personnel will assume you’ve passed out and throw you into an EMS vehicle despite your protestations. (Who ever heard of someone taking a nap on a bungee jump, Ferd?)

3 While Bungee jumping, do not jump before taking care of that 32 oz Big Gulp drink you just finished. If you do, at best, you’ll feel like a full watermelon when the g-forces hit you at the bottom. At worst, you treat all the bystanders to a show at your expense. (Now, where will you find some dry pants, Tex?)

2 While Bungee jumping, do not turn the GoPro camera to capture your face. If you do, at best, you forgot to turn it on. At worst, the video of you screaming like a kid will go viral. (You could have taken some beautiful shots of the valley, but no, you had to be a hero, huh, Ralph?)

1 While Bungee jumping, do not forget to tip the cuff connector guy. If you do, at best, you can take care of it after the jump is over. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, was highly offended you forgot him. (That ground comes up fast without those bothersome lines huh, Burt?)

Views of the Neighborhood – Mailbox Toppers

April 30, 2023April 29, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 99 Comments

Today we are going to visit some mailbox toppers. Most are new, but there are a couple of repeats. We are catered by Trulucks of Austin. Our entertainment is Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper.

Prime Seafood

AVAILABLE PAN-SEARED OR BROILED WITH EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL, FRESH LEMON, SEA SALT AND BROCCOLI
CHILEAN SEABASS MSC certified, all-natural, mild flavors with a clean finish
NORWEGIAN SALMON* all natural, well marbled with clean flavors
SUSHI GRADE TUNA* AAA sushi grade, bright red with a steak-like texture
IDAHO RAINBOW TROUT Idaho raised, tender, flaky, and mild
TEXAS REDFISH smooth textured, sweet, and firm meat

Prime Steaks

USDA PRIME HAND-CUT, AGED A MINIMUM OF 30 DAYS. ALL STEAKS ARE SEASONED AND BROILED AT 1200 DEGREES
NEW YORK STRIP* center-cut
FILET* barrel-cut
RIBEYE* center-cut boneless
STEAK FRITES* flat iron, truffle fries, tartar béarnaise

Plant-Based

MEATBALLS smoked tomato sauce | Three
BOLOGNESE Field Roast sausage, Impossible meatballs, tomato, cashew ricotta, basil, pappardelle

Picture of an old time school bus

The bus is ready.

The first is a peaceful pup without any holiday get-ups

Naked armadillo.

Mother and baby Armadillo.

Talavera pot.

Talavera frog.

Tin Gila Monster.

Butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth, cat.

Wise one.

Twiggy’s stone doppelganger.

A mockingbird interloper.

Temple guard (retired).

Just in case you promised to make something happen when pigs fly.

Big ole cement cactus.

Let’s finish with a cute bird and cat.

Now let’s have some food and listen to the music. I hope yu have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Yes

April 29, 2023April 28, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. (bonus points cha-ching) There’s a shadow hanging over me, and now I long for yesterday. Yes, the shadow is that statue of Roger Rabbit that is sitting on the driveway out front. A quick beating of the coffee machine produced the 10 ounces of java bean squeezen’s that will help me figure out what to do with it. The thing is in full color, and I’m sure the neighbors think I ordered it from Amazon.

A quick sip and starting the security shutdown process gave me an idea. First is the process. The claymore mines disarmed. The tower machine guns are placed on standby. The boiling oil vat is secured. The moat net retracted. The concertina wire rolled back. The trebuchet secured. The gate lifted. The locks and deadbolts reset. The front door opened.

My idea is to run an ad in the community newspaper with a “free to a good home message.” Surely someone will want a lovely likeness of Roger Rabbit for the yard or family room. Having just finished the call, a shadow falls over my phone. A look to the right causes me to cry out like a baby. Standing there is the most attractive rabbit ever witnessed by a man. “So sorry to frighten you.” The words came out dripping with honey. “My name is Jessica.”

“P-pleased to meet you, Jessica.” My face felt hot.”Is there anything you need?”

Jessica laughed and tossed her hair provocatively, letting me know my question was the dumbest thing she had heard all day. She told me she was looking for Roger Rabbit and wondered where I got the statue. My explanation that it just showed up was met with a raised eyebrow. She handed me a business card and a note. She explained that should Roger be seen to please call her. With assurances that she would be the first to know, she smiled and walked away.

I opened the note and saw that it was from Linda Hill. While reading, my thoughts went to the fact that Linda must know everyone on the planet. The note read.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “yes.” Find a word that starts with “yes” or use the word “yes” as is. Bonus points if you start your post with the word you choose. Enjoy!

To try these prompts, go to Linda’s blog and read how. Also, there will be others there who have written something too. Here’s the link https://lindaghill.com/2023/04/28/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-29-2023/

“So your word was Yesterday?”

“Yup.”

“Pretty common.”

“Well, I wanted to get the song in.”

“Yup, did that for sure.”

“What about this Jessica Rabbit?”

“Did you see her?”

“No, I was watching TV. What did she look like?”

“The most amazing rabbit I have ever seen.”

“So what was she doing?”

“Looking for Roger Rabbit.”

“Speaking of that, did you find a new home for that statue?”

“Only got one call.”

“And?”

“Guy wanted 100 bucks to haul it off.”

“Might be a cheap way to get rid of it.”

“It’s a work of art. It will stay there if necessary.”

“Okay then. What’s your plan for the rest of the day?”

“I thought I would go to see some art.”

“At a museum?”

“Drinkable art.”

“I get it. Texting Uber now.”

“One thing.”

“What’s that?”

“No dump trucks.”

“I didn’t know the guy hauled manure for a living. I was trying to save a buck.”

“A nice safe car, please.”

“You got it.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy Playtime.

April 27, 2023April 26, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 111 Comments

Twiggy is playing by herself today. Lucy is fine but is sleeping and needs her rest. We didn’t want to wake her just for photos.

“Why so glum, chum?”

“Having to play alone is a challenge.”

“You know Lucy needs her rest.”

“I know she needs her rest, but still, it’s more fun with her.”

“Well, you can make due. How about playing with Piggy? She’s new.”

“Yeah, well, we were playing, and all of a sudden, Piggy decided to nap too.”

“Wake her up. She doesn’t need beauty rest.”

You are pretty funny, Dad. She isn’t really asleep. I just got tired of playing with her. So I think I’ll get chuck-it.”

“Now that’s a good idea. You can chase Chuck-it around the house.”

“Humm. All of a sudden, Piggy seems like a better idea.”

“Why? You love to chase Chuck-it.”

I think it might wake Lucy.”

“Aren’t you sweet?”

“Mmmft. tay wizeit parfet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I said I need to move it to the carpet.”

“Oh. Hard to understand when it’s in your mouth.”

“Yeah. Now that it’s here. I’m not so sure.”

“Well, you’ll have to make a choice. Want me to throw one of them?”

“Hey, that would be great. Toss Piggy, and I’ll fetch her.”

“Happy now?”

“Oh yes. Keep tossing her.”

“Wait a minute, I didn’t sign up for that.”

“But you’ll do it, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Finger Point Prompt – Banker

April 25, 2023April 24, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

So here’s how it goes. I open a book to a random page and then, without looking, point to the page. The word or words closest to the pointing finger then becomes the prompt. Today the book is The Last Drive (Of course). The page is 86, and the word is ‘banker.’

“What did he say?”

“Who?”

“The banker, for heaven’s sake.”

“Oh, he was very nice.”

“So it was a ‘no.'”

“I didn’t say that. I said he was nice.”

“Which means you didn’t have anything else to say.”

“Yeah, he turned us down.”

“So what are we going to do now?”

“Go to a different bank, I suppose.”

“This was the last one in town.”

“I don’t get it. We have the invention of the decade and can’t get any backers.”

“Maybe they don’t understand how big this could be.”

“That could be, but how do we convince them?”

“I don’t know. Maybe if we used our invention in something other than our demonstration.”

“What can be more impressive than burning down a building?”

“That’s just it. Maybe we are coming at this the wrong way.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just how many folks want to burn down a building?”

“I see what you mean. Well, at least it is good for campfires and stuff.”

“Who will pay ten cents a gallon when kindling is free.”

“I’m stymied. What can we build that will use gasoline as a fuel?”

“I think we need to study this problem. Let’s go to the library.”

“Want to take the Stanley Steamer.”

“We have enough wood for the boiler.”

“Yeah, I just bought some.”

“Good, let’s go.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

April 24, 2023April 23, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This post ran first on July 26, 2016. I’m sure there will be some art shows you’ll want to attend so the advice will hopefully be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best, you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli, which now sits on the piece of art, marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession,” didn’t you, Slick?)

9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up, doesn’t it?)

8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)

7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best, nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun, the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)

6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter-skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best, the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes of entertainment, wouldn’t you say?)

5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror-covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)

4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best, you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t anymore, right?)

3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best, most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your first choice, was it?)

2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best, the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)

1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money-back guarantee. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away, darn it.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Member Craft Show

April 23, 2023April 22, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

I have been doing the Views of the Neighborhood in Lakeway for four years. The odds that each view will be spectacular become less the longer one temps the fickle finger of fate. This week the finger got me. I was excited to go and record the Member Craft Show at the local country club. It just seemed logical that wherever the elite met to play golf, there would be some outstanding results.

I have to say those who displayed their crafts and interests were gracious and lovely. The problem was only four tables were taken. Two were crafts, one a vet and one an author. We are being catered by Barlata of Austin. Our entertainment is Brad Paisley.

FIDEUA – (Pasta instead of rice) Roasted fideo paella, sepia, squid, shrimp & aioli
FIDEUA NEGRE – Roasted Fideo paella, squid ink, sepia, squid & allioli
HORTELANA – Saffron rice, mixed vegetables, currants, pine nuts & allioli vegetarian, vegan
ARROS NEGRE – Squid-inked rice, mussels, sepia, squid, and aioli
BARLATA – Our best-selling paella! Saffron rice, chicken, chorizo, shellfish & vegetables
BARCELONETA – Saffron rice, squid, shrimp, octopus & shellfish
ARROS AUSTIN – Saffron Rice, pork belly, pork ribs & Shiitake Mushrooms.

Picture of an old time school bus

So let’s get on the bus.

The first exhibitor specializes in self-motivational pieces.

Her table.

Examples of her work.

Self-affirming messages.

Coasters and Palo Santo incense sticks.

A dedicated animal oncologist encouraging early screening of pets.

Pamphlets explaining an early blood test for cancer and other diagnostic aids.

A handmade craft table.

Examples of the items.

Here is the author, Amanda Tice, and her son.

Photo of a lone patron.

A place that is an excellent handcraft exhibit in its own right. So relax and enjoy the music. I hope you have a super week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “Scene”

April 22, 2023April 21, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

After hanging up from the oxymoronic customer care representative of the coffee machine company, it is apparent the next scene would be me screaming for help. It seems the machine needs a reboot which will take two hours to completely reset. Two painful hours before the first cup of the day. Thoughts turn to grinding beans in the blender and boiling water. Maybe even chewing a few while the clock moves as if it were invented by a tortoise.

As luck would have it, The Producer plans for such a disasters and produces a mug of hot steaming ersatz Columbian from a jar. Any port in the storm is my motto, and after a sip, the worry over caffeine availability is dispelled. A mental note on the purchase of cold brew is recorded to avoid this scene in the future.

Now that the head is clear, the subject of the monolith on the porch must be resolved. The security shutdown process is begun. The claymore mines disarmed. The tower machine guns are placed on standby. The boiling oil vat is secured. The moat net retracted. The concertina wire rolled back. The trebuchet secured. The gate lifted. The locks and deadbolts reset. The front door opened.

The tall box is still there. Walking around, it gives no clue as to its contents. An ear placed on it reveals no sound. Turning toward the porch once again, the sides of the box suddenly drop to unveil a statue in the likeness of Roger Rabbit. He is standing with a defiant expression and his finger pointing toward my front door.

Moving closer, a small sign hangs on the finger that says, “Pull me.” Having had a bunch of Wiseacre friends, I know that direction will never be followed. Further observation of the stature reveals little tiny words etched in Roger’s overalls. The words became clear with the help of a magnifier (which was in my robe pocket). They were from Linda Hill and stated, Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “scene.” Use it any way you like. Have fun!

If you want to have fun, visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. You will also see how others handled the prompt. Here’s the link. https://lindaghill.com/2023/04/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-22-2023/

“So, where did the statue come from?”

“I guess Linda Hill.”

“There has to be a story there.”

“Well, since there has been an arrival of a statute of a major star on the scene, I hope so.”

“That was a funny movie.”

“It was made in 1988. Thirty-five years ago.”

“Wow, that is hard to believe.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“The graphics were terrific.”

“Imagine if they made it now.”

“Would be even better.”

“I’m wondering if the jokes would still be okay.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t recall if any were offensive.”

“Yeah, I don’t know either.”

“One thing’s sure.”

“What’s that?”

“They didn’t have VooDoo Ranger back then.”

“I wondered how long this scene would go before you brought up VooDoo Ranger.”

“My guess thirty seconds.”

“Call Uber.”

“Already ordered. There he is.”

“That’s a dump truck.”

“Discounted fare.”

“Oh.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay Good News

April 21, 2023April 20, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

Today’s good news story comes from the Good News Network. The following is the story in its entirety.

Missing Texan Trapped for 3 Hours in Her Submerged Car Saved by Passing Fisherman–Learn How to Save Yourself Too

Andy Corbley Apr 19, 2023

In an incredible story of luck and survival, a Texan was pulled from her submerged car after 3 hours under the water.

The woman had been reported missing by loved ones but was only discovered because a fisherman happened to see the faint outline of a car roof sticking up out of the water in a Texas lake.

The call to the Marion County Sheriff’s Office came in on Friday morning, according to a press release. At Lake O’the Pines, a fisherman said he saw a Jeep about 40 feet from the boat ramp.

It took 18 minutes for deputies to arrive. They determined it was too dangerous to wade out to the vehicle and instead took the fisherman’s boat out to the car after a wrecker had arrived to tow it out.

“It was at that time they saw the woman,” Police Capt. Chuck Rogers told Business Insider. “The fisherman and wrecker employee was able to help the woman from the Jeep. They placed her into the boat, and she was brought to shore.”

Longview Police Department in Texas, located about 25 miles south of the lake, had the woman, whose identity was not released, listed as a missing person, though no reports have emerged as to why or when.

Emergency services arrived and treated her for hypothermia—it had been a brisk morning, and the water was not warm.

Regarding the woman’s survival, details haven’t been released as to how much water entered the Jeep, how much air was available, or how long she was under; she claims at least several hours.

As soon as a car begins sinking in water, a very limited amount of time exists to save oneself, but there are effective methods that everyone should know of. The first step is to try and open the door, though usually sinking occurs too fast, or the weight of the water outside prevents this. The second step would be to open the window.

A car door, if unlocked, can be opened once the car is fully submerged and the air pressure inside and outside equalizes. If there are passengers in the backseats, the first priority is to stay calm, unlock all the doors, unbuckle all seatbelts, and open all the windows. If no one can escape during the sinking, everyone should be able to open the door and swim out once the whole car is submerged.

In the case of the Texas woman, her car was not fully submerged, which removed the immediate risk of drowning but meant the door and windows were stuck shut. She managed to survive in the cold water for 3 hours.

In such a case as this, hypothermia becomes a real risk, especially for young children and the elderly. Breaking the windows should become a top priority if there is a tool inside that’s capable of doing so.

If oxygen is entering the car from outside, continuously move the limbs as that will help generate heat, but if air is not coming into the cabin, the best option is to remain as calm as possible, slow and control your breathing, and use a phone if possible to call for help.

The good news here is the woman fought to survive despite the odds. Today’s JohnKu talks about inner strength. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

When times get tougher,

Our internal strength remains . . .

The best hope for help.