In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please also mention it in a comment here. https://keithchanning.wordpress.com/2022/10/03/kreative-kue-380/
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
This list was initially published on October 13, 2014. I was 73 when I wrote it, and now I am 81. Checking it over, and it still makes sense. If you are over seventy, pay attention. If not, I hope you get a few laughs.
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This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age
10 If you are over seventy, ensure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. The customer service person will discover this in front of twenty other shoppers.
9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a friendly reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred of your closest friends who all got there ahead of you.
8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal, and the total matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.
7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.
6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your performance will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection.
5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is not suitable for your pacemaker performance or your underwear.
4 If you are over seventy, never drive in the left lane. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.
3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have headed south.
2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”
1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)
Today we are heading to the Lakeway Activity Center. Employee Bruce Foster has shared a small portion of his model cars at the Activity Center through October 15. Bruce says he has well over 500 in his current collection and has probably given away that many.
As usual, we will have food, and in keeping with the display, we will be going to the Sonic® Drive-In. Our entertainment is Wilson Pickett singing what else but Mustang Sally.
Menu
Here’s the bus. Let’s get going.
Here we are at the Activity Center.
Here’s Bruce. Being the younger sibling of teenage car enthusiast brothers, Bruce began appreciating cars at 8 years of age, and model cars were a welcomed gift for birthdays and holidays. As a result, Bruce has entered and won many contests, and he has been a judge as well.
Some utility vehicles and a hot rod. Notice the windshield treatment.
A yellow cab, a Chevy flatbed, and a Ford pickup. Also, a motor scooter.
A 1934 pickup with the kit. A model A hot rod Ford and a Chevy pickup.
Model A Ford flatbed, Mercury coupe, and Chevy Nova station wagon
Original kit boxes.
A Ford utility truck, a Jeep utility vehicle, and a Ford Crown Victoria Service vehicle
Custom Woody, Hot Rod, and Jeep CJ5
More original kit boxes.
That wraps up the tour I hope you liked it. Now relax and enjoy the music. I hope you have a great week.
Standing and looking like an unemployed actor in the welfare line. Still waiting for the expresso machine to finish torturing me with its drama causes some reflection. How do I get that safe out of my backyard? Rolls across my consciousness. Having no immediate answer, the cup runneth over, and I sip quickly to keep the dark brew off the floor. Lips burning while crossing to the door to the back porch, my phone gives off the annoying twirp sound indicating yet another interloper at the front door. My thought goes to don’t ring the bell too late to stop the Hounds of Baskerville response by Twiggy and Lucy.
The security system needs a shutdown but first, a treat to the girls to soothe their savage breasts. Then, soothing done, the mechanical part of the disarm cycle is begun. The gate is opened, the bar lifted, machine guns on standby, boiling oil secured, concertina wire recoiled, claymore mines disabled, trebuchet locked, moat submarine fence dropped, bolts thrown, and locks undone.
The door opens to the likeness of Yosemite Sam. “Dadburn bureaucrats. Have no dadburn understanding of the need for dadburn beauty rest. Stupid tenderfoot woke me to ask if I was willing to open a safe house. A dadburn safe house in a safe. Well, I told him I was not in a position to give him an answer and then sent him packing with the thought of dancing the Charleston to the tune of my twin 45s. Here take this.”
Want to ask more questions, but Sam hands me two envelopes and goes around the house. The first is an offer to rent out the safe. It is signed by Alfred E Neumann, so it looks suspiciously like the CIA. The second is from Linda Hill. Here’s what it says. Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “me.” Find a word that starts with “me” or use the word “me” as the theme of your post. Have fun!
American actor and WWE superstar John Cena has set a new record for the most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation with 650.
The Make-A-Wish Foundation helps fulfill the wishes of children who have been diagnosed with a critical illness. As the most wished-for celebrity, nobody else has ever granted more than 200 wishes in the 42-year existence of Make-A-Wish.
Targeting children between the age of 2 and 18, they can choose to meet a celebrity, go to an event or even give a gift to someone else and were “thrilled” to honor Cena as the man who has fulfilled the most wishes.
“If you ever need me for this ever, I don’t care what I’m doing, I will drop what I’m doing and be involved because I think that’s the coolest thing,” Cena said in an interview after being honored for 500 wishes granted. “I just drop everything, [and] if I can offer a fantastic experience, I’ll be first in line to do my part.”
Cena began his career in professional wrestling in 1999 and has since become one of the most popular athletes of all time; he is a 16-time world champion in WWE.
A crowd favorite character and the face for WWE’s “Be a Star” anti-bullying campaign, he granted his first wish for the Foundation in 2002. In 2012, Cena granted Make-A-Wish’s 1000th wish to a fan named Cardon.
Once receiving the opportunity to meet Cena, children take photos and hang out with their favorite wrestler and sometimes even venture inside the ring.
Cena is usually accompanied by one of his championship belts: he has held the WWE Championship 13 separate times and often lets the kids try it on.
WATCH A look back at his 650 wishes, but keep a tissue handy!
The good news with this story is a person who has fame can bring joy to those who most need it. Bless you, John Cena. Today’s JohnKu talks about paying it forward. I hope you have a special weekend.
In Keith’s words. “Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
“Wow, look at this. Here we are in New York city.”
“Yes indeed. A perfect place for a test.”
“Test? What kind of test?”
“We are here for that quiz show, Right?”
“Yes but what test?”
“That show is all about being able to remember stuff.”
“Okay.”
“So I think it would be good to see how much of this street you can remember after we drive down it.”
“But the show is about history and songs and other things.”
“I think this will help stimulate your memory cells.”
“I don’t see it but I’ll humor you.”
“Okay I’ve taken a photo of the street. Tell me what you remember from the beginning to where we are right now.”
“There’s Brandy. There’s solar, wind, natural gas and oh yes, oil by British Petrolium. McDonalds at 46th and 7th. Discover card, TDK, Budweiser, NBC.”
“Okay that’s enough. You pass.”
“Aw come on. I was just getting warmed up.”
“Maybe you should save it for the show. Here I’ll send you the photo.”
“Oops.”
“Oops what?”
“I left my phone somewhere?”
“What do you mean ‘somewhere?'”
“It’s either at the hotel, the coffee shop, that little shop we went into, or still at home.”
“Do you remember the last time you had it.”
“I took some photos at grandma’s.”
“That was last Thanksgiving.”
“Maybe it’s at grandma’s”
“I guess as a memory sevant there are things that slip through the cracks.”
This post originally ran in November 2015. Since I don’t believe humans have changed much since then, I think it is worth a revisit.
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This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hell,o Harvard. I’m talking to you.)
Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others
10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. If you do, at best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car, especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)
9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question; “Did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items, don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best, you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done, but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)
8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best, you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself by asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is the repair of the repair)
7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best, you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see, most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)
6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt, didn’t they? Bunkie)
5 If you spend extra money on a warranty, do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best, the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle of wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)
4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish. If you do, at best, you will over-expect what will be under-delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, which was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right, now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)
3 If you have a friend in the car business, do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best, you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car, and at some quiet moment, it will hit you.)
2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best, the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)
1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be like your original thought. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that a server’s arm lying on the floor?)
Today we are going to a cactus and succulent purveyor in Lakeway. I think you will be amazed at the beauty and number of plants. Mary Caroline and Matthew Shreves began their business on Instagram and opened a storefront in March this year. The couple has over 1000 cacti, agave, and succulents online and at the store. Here is a Link to their website, which is worth the visit
Our drink and food offering is going to be a little different. In keeping with our visit to a unique plant place, we are being catered by Bar 508. Yes, there are plenty of drink selections with food. However, for those who need to be closer to five O’clock, all drinks can be made without alcohol. Also, there is plenty of Topo Chico water. Our entertainment closely fits the drinks, food, and plants. We have a Mariachi band playing for us.
Cocktails
508 – Tequila, Lime, & Agave
Paloma Royale -Tequila, Grapefruit, Citrus, & Grapefruit Soda
Ponche – Citrus Vodka, St. Germain, Citrus, & Peychaud Bitters
Waiting for the coffee machine to finish its ridiculously pompous and overly complicated process brought to mind the safe and the Yosemite Sam look alike. Looking out the back windows confirmed that the safe was still there. Such a condition brought a sense of unwanted satisfaction that, at least it, was not all a fantasy.
The almost soundless chime of the machine let me know it was time to provide direction on my preference. I could have a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait, or coffee. Since there are rules in many parts of the world on having a cappuccino in the morning, I selected the two-cup serving of Samatra Dark Roast. Sputters and spurts followed by an aromatic stream of the stuff that’s going to save my life. A finish with a creamy head, and it is ready to drink.
Two sips in, and predictably my phone signals the arrival of someone on the front porch. My new signage that says GO AWAY doesn’t appear to have registered on the latest interloper. A click of the speaker switch allows the question. “Who goes there?” (one of my fantasy phrases that lie in waiting for the perfect opportunity)
“The POA.”
Not an expected answer. My sigh and response begged for a minute to go through the unlocking process. The visitor also sighs but agrees. The process is more complex this week with the addition of a heat-seeking anti-tank rocket system. The iron gate is opened, bar raised, concertina wire pulled back, claymore mines deactivated, auto boiling oil system cut off, machine guns paused, anti-tank system on standby, Trebuchet disengaged, door bolts thrown, and locks undone. The front door opens, and before me stands the guy that looks like Yosemite Sam.
“Your daggone POA woke me up this morning in my home demanding to know when the safe was going to be moved.”
“What did you tell them?”
“To mind their dadgum business. A man’s home is his castle. So I ran him off with an invitation to dance to the tune of my 45s.”
Now there are real problems to consider. Not only is there a non-compliant housing unit half buried in the backyard but an insane resident who makes people dance with his pistols. Sam hands me an envelope and, like last week, disappears around the corner of the house. I open the envelope to find a warning by the POA to get rid of the safe or face a fine. Attached to the back of the envelope is another message from Linda Hill. It reads: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “home.” Use it as a noun, a verb, an adjective, or an adverb. Enjoy!
If you want to “enjoy,” visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.
