Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

March 20, 2023March 19, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

Originally posted on March 16th, 2016. I thought it would be fun to revisit since it is totally fiction.

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This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving day in and day out. So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best, you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best, the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer, isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst, the chambermaid may bring you a coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best, he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best, the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the twenty irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry. The replacement bolts can be sent from the UK for $1000.00 each plus shipping.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best, they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador. Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best, the spending will increase. At worst, you must get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house and hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot-high lawn? Those sheep are having trouble keeping up.)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best, she will try a softer one next time. At worst, you might be treated to a few touch-and-go landings with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high, did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best, he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your chosen route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now, did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best, your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places and times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen to sign those paychecks, heh?)

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “Tape”

March 18, 2023March 17, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

For the second week in a row, the coffee appears without drama from the AI drama queen. The cup to the lips and a long slow sip is interrupted by the sounds of a calliope followed by the amplified voice of Phil Harris. “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages. Welcome to the Warner Brothers Looniest Show on Earth.”

A quick run to the back door confirms the big top is up and packed with people. “And now I turn your attention to the center ring where, for your entertainment, the most recognized animal trainer in the world. The trainer of trainers. The honorable Elmer Fudd puts the ferocious beasts through their paces.” Slipping into the tent during the applause, taking in the scene is overwhelming. A white-hot spotlight converges on the likeness of Elmer Fudd decked out in high boots, jodhpurs, and a pith helmet. He is snapping a whip, and the so-called ferocious beasts are cowering on their perches. Claude Cat, Arnold the Pit Bull, Hector the Bulldog, Baba Looey, Charles the Dog, Lola Bunny, and Toro the Bull look like they would rather be anywhere else.

To make matters worse, the calliope music is obviously on tape, and Phil Harris is nowhere in sight. Elmer coaches each to perform. Claud gives a half-hearted roar. Arnold barks at the audience. Hector and Baba Looey chase each other, Charles and Lola do a leapfrog routine, and Elmer shoots his pistol when Toro takes a run at his backside. The audience loves it. Elmer grabs a chair to force toro back on his perch.

Underneath the chair is an envelope held by tape. Elmer rips it off, opens the envelope, and reads the contents over the sound system. He announces it is a message from Linda Hill. The message reverberates around the arena.”Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is ‘tape.’ Use it as a noun or a verb. Use it any way you like. Enjoy!” The crowd goes nuts, and Elmer takes a bow. If you would like to enjoy go to Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/17/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-18-2023/

“Calliope on tape?”

“Well, there is a matter of the prompt.”

“Yeah, but that seems like cheating.”

“I didn’t see you in there helping.”

“Hey. I didn’t create this whole Saturday fantasy gig. You did.”

“You are right about that.”

“I wish I had that Fudd performance on tape.”

“On tape? You crazy? You could just use your iPhone.”

“It’s an expression. I didn’t really mean tape. I meant a recording.”

“Shows your age.”

“I guess. You know what else shows my age?”

“Let me guess. Time in a bar.”

“Shows I’m at least 21.”

“Times three.”

“Aw, come on.”

“I’m buying.”

“Make it times four. Hitting the uber app.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay Good News

March 17, 2023March 17, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments

Video grab of firefighters in Michigan heroically rescuing a helpless dog trapped in an iced-over pond

Today’s good news comes from the Good News Network. Here is the story in its entirety.

Firefighter Lures Trapped Dog Off the Ice Using Treats–Then Lifts it Up a 10-Foot Wall

Andy Corbley March 15th, 2023

Patience, bribery, laughter, and a heck of a bicep muscle were all needed to rescue a helpless dog trapped after falling 10 feet into an ice-covered pool.

The Michigan animal shelter Pound Buddies received several “frantic” calls on March 7th about a dog trapped in the old water filtration pond.

The pond was frozen over, but with water clearly sloshing about over the ice, how long until the 60 lbs. husky plunged through was anyone’s guess.

Pound Buddies called in the Muskegon Heights Fire Department, which arrived “within minutes” to rescue the pup. Video footage shows the moment Lieutenant John Kriger climbs over the wall and gains the dog’s trust with a treat.

Kriger remained with his hand out, calling the dog by name for 3 minutes or so while his comrades jeered about making “no sudden movements.”

Finally, the timid dog came in for more of Lieutenant Kriger’s scratches, allowing him to reach the dog’s collar. Displaying remarkable strength, he grabbed the not-entirely-cooperative pooch under his right arm and slowly climbed up the ladder and over the wall to safety.

The pup was later checked out and found completely unharmed despite the 10ft fall into the pond.

Pound Buddies shared clips of the incident to their Facebook page, describing why they called in “the big dogs” and the moment the animal was rescued.

“The logistics of getting the dog appeared a bit challenging at first, but then the BIG DOG was called in!” they wrote. “Once again, words don’t seem adequate for expressing the gratitude we have for these amazing firefighters and the Muskegon Heights Fire Department! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

The entire unedited rescue video is available here on Yahoo News.

The good news here is that a response team considered a life to be a life and went about to save it. Today’s JohnKu talks about how precious life is. I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Ah, it’s just a dog,

Doesn’t recognize the fact. . .

All life is precious.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy

March 16, 2023March 15, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 114 Comments

“Hey, Lucy. Why are these weird-looking runners here.”

“Against her better interior decorating sense, mom bought them for me.”

“For you? Why?”

“Well, Little One, I’m having trouble walking on the tile.”

“Trouble? What kind of trouble?”

“We old folks sometimes can’t control slipping.”

“Then what happens?”

“I basically fall down and can’t get up. I’m like a turtle on its back.”

“I thought you were just fooling around. So mom got you something where you wouldn’t slip.”

“Yup, and she laid them in all the hallways and paths I take.”

“Well, they sure look out of place.”

“Mom said it was okay. The important thing is safety.”

“Now you don’t fall down? Want to play tuggy?”

“Geez. Two questions. No, I don’t fall down and don’t want to play tuggy.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Let’s see. I’m on the couch. Half of me is comfortable. What do you think?”

“It is a long shot, but I’m guessing a nap.”

“You surprise me with your clairvoyance, youngster. You are spot on.”

“I think maybe I ought to do the same.”

“No argument from me.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Finger Point Prompt- “This Ain’t No Game, Lady.”

March 14, 2023March 13, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

Keith Channing will be taking some time off, so I will again feature a finger-point prompt. The way it works is I open a book to a random page and then, without looking, point to the page. The word or phrase closest to my pointing finger is it.

Today I opened the sequel to Eternal Road, The Last Drive, and my finger was closest to the phrase “This Ain’t No Game Lady” on page 151. So that is the prompt today. I hope you like the story.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Can you tell me the way to San Jose?”

“Huh?”

“I got lost on the LA freeway.”

“How did you find me?”

“Good question. There was a bunch of traffic slamming on their brakes, and then the next thing I knew, I’m sitting in your gas station.”

“Why do you need to go to San Jose?”

“I have lots of friends there. Can you help me?”

“Well, the first thing you must understand is this is Ames, Iowa.”

“I really did take a detour then. How far to San Jose then?”

“Let me put San Jose, California, in my phone, and I’ll tell you.”

“Phone? What do you mean, phone?”

“This iPhone here will lay out a map and give the distance.”

“Let me see that.”

“Sure, look over my shoulder. See here. It says San Jose is 1,863 miles from here.”

“I’ve never seen a phone like that before.”

“Wait a minute. A young woman like you must have had five of em by now.”

“I’m serious.”

“That car of yours is brand new, isn’t it?”

“Yes. My daddy bought it for graduation. What does that have to do with anything?”

“That there is a Pontiac GTO convertible.”

“Yes, it is.”

“With a 6.4L 389 cubic inch V8 and M-20 4 speed manual transmission with the Hurst shifter.”

“Well, it is a standard transmission. I don’t know about the rest.”

“What year is it?”

“The car?”

“No, it’s a 1965. The year today?”

“1965. August 10th, 1965.”

“What if I told you it is August 10th, 2023.”

“What kind of game are you playing?”

This ain’t no game, lady. I think you are in serious trouble.”

“Trouble? What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t seem odd to you that you were in Los Angles, and all of a sudden, you show up in Ames 58 years later?”

“I guess to you, it might seem odd. But, to me, it is part of the job.”

“Job? What job?”

“You want to drive my car?”

“What’s going on here?”

“I don’t want to frighten you, but you need to come with me.”

“With you? Where?”

“I knew these disguises wouldn’t work. But no, the boss said it would be easier on the travelers. Look, my last name is Reaper. Some call me Grim, but I prefer Gerri.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Never joke. Do you want to drive or walk? Like you said, ‘This ain’t no game.’ Here take the keys. We’re late.”

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

March 13, 2023March 12, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

This post ran on February 29, 2016, and still seems current since we all have neighbors. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but I just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best, you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best, you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear, making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best, the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best, your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished, does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved?” If you do, at best, you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot-tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best, you will be guilted into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake, isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best, you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought, did it?)

Views of the Neighborhood – St. Patrick’s Day Decorations

March 12, 2023March 11, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

We went out to see if there were any St. Patrick’s Day decorations in the neighborhood. We found some so the tour is on. We are catered by Foxy’s Proper Pub in Austin. Our entertainment is (who else?) The Irish Rovers

Picture of an old time school bus

Let’s go.

Our first is this cute Lepricon.

A shamrock on the door.

A turtle wearin’ O’ the green.

Another door shamrock.

Here is a wall shamrock and wreath.

Our friend, the armadillo.

St Patrick’s Day and Cancer survivor’s flags.

Shamrock welcome.

Hanging decoration.

The best display ever for St Patrick’s Day.

I hope you liked the tour. Now let’s eat and enjoy the music. I hope you have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – mat/met/mitt/mot/mutt.”

March 11, 2023March 10, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

My cup runneth over mainly because an accidental hit of the brew button brought three instead of two 5 oz servings. Luckily the machine has a drain, or the tsunami of caffeine would be on the floor. So the absorbent mat that is in reserve will not be necessary. Sipping the life fluid reminds me of last week’s arrival of too many Warner Brothers look-alikes for comfort.

The grey rabbit said there was going to be a circus. An inquiry to the city assured me that no permit was necessary if it was held on my property, and no entrance fees were charged. We met in person so that the possibility of talking them into a restraining order could have happened. The mutt of a compliance officer refused to prevent what will no doubt become mayhem.

In deep thought, the thirty-story falling piano crash of the doorbell jerked me back to reality. It also set off a round of barking, cracking every mirror in the house. A toss of my old baseball mitt causes Lucy and Twiggy to think a sheep is loose in the place and brings the silence of chasing the lambs.

“Who is there,” is the inquiry through the Ring doorbell.”

“C’est Moi. Phiil Harris.”

“Baloo?”

“Bon mot. The very same.”

“What do you want?”

“Your friends Dan and Tom said you needed a ringmaster for the circus. Also, I have some mail for you.”

“Hold on.” The security shutdown procedure takes a few minutes, and the door is thrown open. Standing there is Phil Harris. “I thought you were dead.”

“This is fiction, right? Here take this and point me to my dressing room .”

Phil shoves an envelope into my hand and then pushes by me. I open the envelope, and it is a message from Linda Hill. It says, Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “mat/met/mitt/mot/mutt.” Choose one or use them all, any way you’d like, in your post. Have fun! Also, there is a note from Tom and Dan. Good luck is all it says.

To have fun, visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-11-2023/

“Not bad.”

“What?”

“You got all the words of the prompt in that intro.”

“Thanks.”

“One problem, though.”

“What’s that.”

“Your readers want a circus with all those characters. So you’re on the mat to deliver.”

“The objective will be met.”

“A fine mot ‘objective'”

“What are you, a linguist?”

“Mitt skämt.”

“Huh?”

“Swedish for ‘my joke.'”

“How about Swedish, for you are a mutt?”

“The same, ‘mutt.’ Du är en mutt.”

“Well, we’ve pretty much killed this one.”

“We all want a circus.”

“Fine. In the meantime, how about a pub visit.”

“Hello, Uber. Already place the order, and Helmut is on his way.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay Good News

March 10, 2023March 10, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

Today’s good news comes from the Good News Network. Here it is in its entirety.

80-Year-old Woman Celebrates Doing a 5K Every Day Since Pandemic–1,000 in a Row!

Andy Corbley Mar 8, 2023

Mae Dean Erb completes 1000th consecutive 5K (Credit: Cindy Impson)

A Cherokee woman determined not to let the pandemic get her down began running or walking a 5K every day for 100 days.

Through lockdowns, Alpha, Delta, Omicron, and beyond, Mae Dean Erb kept on running until she completed her 1,000th 5K last Friday, two months short of her 80th birthday.

“I don’t know how she managed to do a 5K walk or run every single day for the last 1,000 days, but she did,” Erb’s daughter, Julie Erb-Alvarez, told GNN. “Her milestone was celebrated by a gathering of friends and family – even some virtually. She is our hero.”

A member of the Cherokee Nation, Erb lives with her husband of 56 years, Jim Erb, in a rural town called Blackgum, near her hometown of Vain, Oklahoma.

She has by no means stopped doing these continuous 5Ks, and in fact, at the time of publishing, she would be on her 1,006th, noting that good habits are as hard to break as bad habits.

“I don’t hurt anywhere. I have knee issues every once in a while, with, I guess, age, but it’s a really wonderful thing (walk/run) to do,” she told the Cherokee Phoenix.

“It’s just something you should do for yourself and your family, and when you have a 4-year-old grandson, you want to stay young enough to pick him up and run with him and catch him if he’s going in the wrong direction.”

She often runs and walks with her friends, who note that going out for a walk doesn’t even feel like a walk anymore unless it’s 5K.

Julie notes that Mae has become an inspiration to the whole community, not least to herself, who wants to be just like her mom when she reaches her golden years.

The good news here is it is never too late to pursue a dream or self-improvement. Today’s JohnKu talks about achieving goals. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Your life is for you,

To live it as you see fit . . .

Nothing should stop you.

Also, I’m at Story Empire today talking about the Day of Awesomeness. Come on over. Here’s the link.