Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #239 by Keith Channing

November 26, 2019November 25, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

First, a note about this week. My sister is visiting from Michigan, so this holiday is extraordinary. I intend to spend as much time with her as possible, so I will be on a blog break until Sunday, December 1st. Please excuse me if I don’t reply or comment on your posts in a timely manner. I will disable comments on this post since commenting back will be difficult. I wish you in the US a very Happy Thanksgiving. I’ll be back with a Views of the Neighborhood on December 1st.

Now to today’s post

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

Kreative Kue #239

“Who turned up the fog machine?”

“I was going to ask the same question.”

“Boys. Take it easy. The air just got a little warmer than the snow, so fog is formed.”

“Thanks, pop, but the information doesn’t help us see any better.”

“That’s just it. It doesn’t matter about the visibility. I’ve been over this area hundreds of times. It’s flat as a board. No fear of falling into a crevasse.”

“You just said ass. Heh, heh.”

“I just said a word that stands for a crack in the Earth’s crust that could be dangerous should you fall into it.”

“Heh, heh, heh.”

“What now?”

“You said crack.”

“Okay, let’s just keep on walking.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’m glad you finally asked. We are heading for Bald Mountain.”

“What’s there?”

“There is an old gold mine that I think will be pretty interesting.”

“Real gold?”

“Yup.”

“Wow, that sounds exciting. How long till we get there?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Are we lost?”

“No. I just don’t know where we are exactly.”

“I see now why you named this expedition the way you did.”

“Smart boy.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789

November 25, 2019November 24, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

George Washington

George Washington proclaimed November 25th as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to eventually set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, it was George who really established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do so that we can keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of Stove Top stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now you have to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He is politely suggesting you go out and shoot your own turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well now you are in a pickle, Judd. You need to figure out how to do sweet potatoes and make marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for Jellied cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef just reached the end of his rope. (Seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahoganies?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt -“GHT”

November 9, 2019November 8, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Stream of Consciousness

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday, and since this week’s prompt is a bit tricky, I’m going to let Linda Hil explain it. Here are Linda’s words “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “ght.” Find a word that contains the letters “ght” in that order, and use it any way you’d like. Bonus points if you use three or more different words containing those letters. Have fun!” If you would like this kind of challenge, go to Linda’s blog and read how. It is easy and fun. Here is the link.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Nov. 9/19

“Okay, it’s midnight, and you are still sitting at that table. You want to enlighten me as to what you are doing?

“I’d be delighted. I’m having a nightcap.”

“Well, you frightened me. I saw the light and thought you were a burglar.”

“That’s mighty funny. I guess I caught you off guard.”

“That you did. I might have called the cops.”

“I ought to have given you a warning. I’m glad it came to naught.”

” Except for the fact that now I’m uptight. I’m sure I can’t go straight back to sleep.”

“How about a draught of this slightly delightful bourbon?”

“I’m sure that brightens your day, but for me, it is too late at night.”

“To me, the moonlight and bourbon are downright perfect pairings.”

“Why don’t you go to a nightclub since I would like to get some sleep tonight?”

“That’s too farsighted for me. I think the thoughtful thing to do is to go to bed myself.”

“You are a righteous soul. You just saved me from being overwrought.”

“And you saved me by helping score the bonus points. You are a heavyweight.”

“I’m up for knighthood, I’m sure.”

“Keep that goal in sight.”

“Right.”

Thursday – A Little Personal – Serang – A New Book by C.S. Boyack

November 7, 2019November 6, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

“I see we have Lisa Burton in the house.”
“Yes, kids. So you have the day off.”

I am very pleased to again welcome Lisa Burton who as you know is C.S.Boyack’s Personal Assistant. She is also the host of Lisa Burton Radio on most Thursdays. Here is a link to the last show. Lisa is here to talk about C.S. Boyack’s latest book

So, Welcome to Fiction Favorites, Lisa.

Hi, John. Always a pleasure to visit you during these book tours. Craig has a new book out, and this one ties into the Lanternfish trilogy. But it isn’t part of the trilogy, if that makes sense.

Let me try again. Serang was a popular character in Voyage of the Lanternfish. Her origin is pretty amazing, and Craig decided to turn that into a book. It supports the Lanternfish trilogy, but isn’t part of the trilogy. It also helps quell that urge for more Lanternfish while he finishes writing the remaining tales.

Serang’s father was a fisherman, and he died when she was very young. Her mother abandoned her at a monastery, and she was raised by monks. She learned things she never would have learned otherwise, like reading, writing, and martial arts. She also adopted a lifestyle of service to others and sharing what she has.

Fathers are kind of a driving force behind Voyage of the Lanternfish. James became who he is, because of his father’s actions. Dan also had some father issues he dealt with, and even Mal dealt with some of this from the father’s point of view.

Serang never let go of her father, either. Her memories are limited to the idea that he was a fisherman. She and her master were helping a village, because the Emperor took nearly everything they have for his war. When she stumbled across some old fishing crocks, she used one to reconnect with her father – in a way. The crocks involve a kind of hand fishing, and you can see how they work in my poster.

The Goonch catfish is a real creature living in the waters of Asia. It’s amazing how real creatures were as good as fantasy creatures in this story. Nature is strange and wonderful, and Craig used them where he could. Some of them were enhanced for the fantasy elements of the story, and others are complete fantasy. In the case of the Goonch, he remained as he is in nature.

I thought the scene with Serang and the Goonch was wonderful. I insisted that one of our promotional posters reflect that scene. She wasn’t exactly weepy, but when she became an actual fisherman it was an important event in her life.

I hope your fans enjoy this poster, and feel free to add it to Pinterest or use it for computer backgrounds. And remember, this robot girl is an animal lover, so I practice catch and release.

Thank you, Lisa. This sounds like an excellent read and I certainly enjoyed having you over today. Lucy and Twiggy enjoyed your visit as well and were grateful for the day off.

***

Blurb:

Monastic life is all about duty, service, harmony. For Serang, a young girl abandoned at the temple by her mother after the death of her father, that life becomes all she knows. The monks give her purpose, and become her new family.

When political upheaval causes chaos throughout the land, Serang again loses everything and everyone she loves. Alone, she struggles to survive. She convinces a wandering monk to take her under his wing and complete her training. Thus begins her adventures through strange lands and her trials to become a confident, capable, independent adult.

This is a coming of age story set in a fantasy world. It’s filled with monsters and martial arts, difficulties, and dangers. The serious situations preclude the story from the levity of its predecessor, Voyage of the Lanternfish, but it provides a compelling look at the origin of one of the saga’s most fascinating characters.

Purchase Link http://mybook.to/Serang

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Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

November 6, 2019November 5, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we saw Sanford Wentworth open the hospitality door and arranged to have the room service guys come to the office to talk to Larry and Andrew about Janice’s room service orders. Most of us are not used to having anyone cooperate with our gang, so, of course, we are suspicious of Wentworth’s motivation. Our guys are in the inner office having some coffee. Let’s go join them.

“What do you think Wentworth has on his mind, Larry.”

“Not too sure, but it is nice to get some cooperation once in a while. Also, let’s be careful here. Little pictures on the wall may have big ears.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Excuse me, gentlemen.”

“Yes, Sanford.”

“The two servers are headed up here. You can use the conference room. Right, this way.”

“Thank you, sir. We certainly appreciate the help.”

“Not a problem, Detective. Please make yourselves comfortable. The guys will. Be here shortly.”

“You sure you have enough coffee, Andrew?”

“Yes, I refilled my cup. Thanks for asking, Larry.”

“I was actually broadly sarcastic, Andrew.”

“And not too subtle at that. Oh, a knock. Yes, come in.”

“Excuse me, but Mr. Wentworth asked me to come here.”

“Please come in. Have a seat. This will only take a minute. I know you are busy. My name is Larry, and this is Andrew.”

“Thank you, sir. My name is Charles Jenkins.”

“Andrew and I have some interest in one of your guests and are wondering if you can remember her.”

“Wow. I have served a lot of guests. When was she here?”

“The Thirteenth of February.”

“That was the week that guy hit a tree and died.”

“You remember that?”

“Who wouldn’t. It was horrible.”

“Okay, so this person had room service served by you.”

“Yeah. You must know I have no idea who I served that week.”

“Yeah, we know. You might remember the order or maybe even the person if you saw a photo.”

“So, what was the order?”

“Let me see. Ah, here it is. An order of fruit and yogurt, rye toast. decaf coffee.”

“That sounds like one hundred orders that week.”

“How about the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, and the San Francisco Chronicle.”

“Okay, I remember that order. I couldn’t find a San Francisco Chronicle and told the women that I tried. She was not nice about it and stiffed me on a tip.”

“So, you might be able to identify her.”

“Oh yeah. I would never forget that face. She was unforgiving and kinda scared me with her rage about a stupid newspaper.”

“Look at this photo.”

“Yeah, that’s her. She looks better than when I saw her, but that is definitely her.”

“You are sure, Charles.”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, then. Let me have your address and phone number. We may need you to make a statement. You okay with that?”

“Sure. Just let me know.”

“We will be in touch. Thank you for coming.”

“Yes, sir. My co-worker is outside. Should I send him in.”

“Yes, Charles Thank you.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 236 by Keith Channing

November 5, 2019November 4, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

In Keith’s words.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

“Are you sure no one’s home?”

“At ease, matey. I watched them leave. This time of day, they won’t be back for hours. Now just look at the treasure, will ya?”

“This stuff makes the copper monkey look cheap.”

“That’s right. All we have to do is load this stuff up, and we have made hundreds.”

“Let me drop this drape over here.”

“Good idea.”

“OMG, look at all the nautical stuff on it.”

“This guy must have been a sea captain. Look that these fishing nets too.”

“How do you use em?”

“Well, this one is for hauling in a big fish that you have on the line. It pretty much makes sure the hook doesn’t come out with the weight of the fish.”

“What about this one.”

“I think it is a landing net as well but can be used to scoop fish out of the water.”

“Okay, enough net lessons, let’s get to the copper.”

“Whoa, this desk is heavy.”

“This globe and sailboat are light. I’ll take them out.”

“Wait a minute. Help me with the desk.”

“Take out the drawers, and it will be easier.”

“Well, what are we going to do then?”

“I guess the two of us need to lift it.”

“Not going to happen. I have a bad back.”

“Bad back. Since when?”

“Two minutes ago. Let’s leave it. I say these nets the globe, clock, and sailboat are more than enough.”

“Enough for what?”

“Start our own fishing company.”

“I can’t believe you, and I are partners.”

“I know, right? I’m so brilliant, and you? Well, you are you.”

“Maybe we should think about a boat.”

“There’s a nice one down the street. Let’s go.”

“After you, Einstein.”

“Get that shade will ya.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

October 30, 2019October 29, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

“Leggo, Dad. I need to play with Lucy.”
“It’s Wednesday Little One. Lucy is taking a nap.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week our heroes met with Wentworth, and he told them that Mr. and Mrs. Dixon had registered at the hotel while Rafferty was there. Larry recognized that the information is not useful unless he can get a positive ID on the fact that Janice is posing as Mrs. Dixon. He and Andrew decide that maybe someone in the hotel can identify her. They decide to go back to Wentworth’s office while he is still on the phone with the lawyer so that they can short circuit any delay in getting what they want. I think we should rush back there as well. Our pair just went into Wentworth’s office.

“Hi, gentlemen. Bear with me. I’m on hold with the lawyer.”

“That’s good that you are still on the phone with him. We need to get the whole portfolio of Mr. and Mrs. Dixon.”

“Yeah, I’ll ask but not sure that is covered in the warrant. The name Rafferty is clearly spelled out here.”

“I know that. The judge was not comfortable with a fishing expedition, but I swear to you the Dixon’s are a couple of evil characters, and all we need to do is ID the Mrs. as posing as Mrs. Dixon when, in fact, she is Mrs. Rafferty the wife of the guy killed.”

“Tell you what. I’m going to hang up on the lawyer. I need to know that I’m not going to be dragged into anything legal here.”

“I can’t see how you would be.”

“Well, for one thing, if I give you information and then I have to go to court to verify the information, I will be dragged into something legal.”

“Okay, I see that. All we want to know is if Mrs. Dixon had room service and who served her.”

“I’ve disconnected the lawyer. Let me look up the portfolio. I do this with the understanding that you get no copies, okay?”

“That’s fine with us.”

“Ah, yes, here it is. Let me see. Hmmm. I show that there was a room service delivery every morning they were here.”

“Any clue who signed the bill?”

“Sure, here it is. Mrs. Dixon signed two of them.”

“Perfect. Who served them?”

“On one morning, it was Silvester. The other Robert.”

“Can we speak to these two?”

“That should not be a problem. I will ask that you keep your questions informal, and then if they need to make a statement, you can formalize it later. Our company lawyer will want to be there.”

“We really appreciate this, Wentworth.”

“I think justice needs to be served.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I remember Rafferty, and he seemed like a good guy is all. He had a lot of meetings here and was very kind to the staff. We felt pretty bad when he had his so-called accident.”

“Did you see him the night he died?”

“No. sorry. The last time I saw him, he thanked me for a nice meeting.”

“When was that?”

“That morning. He told me he was sorry he wouldn’t be able to stop by after his meeting. He said he needed to get to the airport early, so he came into my office in the morning instead.”

“You mentioned a ‘so-called’ accident.”

“Yeah. He didn’t strike me as a guy who would get loaded and then go on a night ski. Not like him at all.”

“How can we reach Silvester and Robert?”

“Make yourselves comfortable in the outer office, and I’ll get them to come here. It might take a minute or two. These guys are really busy.”

“No problem. Besides, you have some pretty good coffee out there.”

“When they arrive you can use the conference room. It’s right next door.”

“Thank you, Wentworth.”

“Name’s Sanford.”

“Sanford Wentworth?”

“That’s it.”

“Well, thank you, Sanford. Andrew and I are grateful.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #234 by Keith Channing

October 22, 2019October 21, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

In Keith’s words, “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

Kreative Kue #234

“You are growing very sleepy.”

“Huh?”

“Look into my eyes and concentrate.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Hypnotize you, of course.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen. I read where you have to be a willing subject to be hypnotized.”

“Not willing necessarily. Just dumb enough to fall for it.”

“Well, you will never get me to fall for it after that statement.”

“Wanna bet?”

“No, I don’t. Bt the way what happened to your owner. He looks knocked out.”

“Oh, nothing. I just put a spell on him. He’s in a deep trance. I will wake him up in time for dinner, though.”

“You are really delusional. He’s just taking a nap.”

“Yeah, watch this. When I say so, you will cluck like a chicken. Cluck.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Maybe he didn’t hear me. CLUCK.”

“Still nothing. I think you would do well to let him nap.”

“So, look into my eyes.”

“Yes, master.”

“You are very sleepy.”

“Very sleepy, master.”

“When I say so, you will moo like a cow. Okay, Percy. Moo like a cow.”

“Moo.”

“Now, when I say so, you will wake up and remember nothing. Wake up.”

“Wow, where was I?”

“Under my spell.”

“You sure?”

“I had you moo like a cow.”

“Well, that doesn’t prove anything. I am a cow. besides, I was messing with you. Oh, look, your boss is waking up.”

“TREVOR. WHAT IS THIS COW DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?”

“I’m leaving Trevor. Good luck with the explanation.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

October 16, 2019October 15, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Twiggy and Lucy — “Think it’s Friday yet, Lucy?”
“Hit the snooze. It’s just Wednesday.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week, Larry and Andrew had a bizarre meeting with the Assistant DA Taggert. He apologized for treating our heroes like criminals, gave Larry back his gun, and then more or less left them to fend for themselves. Well, I see that they are in the car so let’s go and maybe we can collect some intel.

“So, you had a question while we were in Taggert’s office?”

“I did, Larry.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Don’t you think that guy was a little too casual with us.”

“What do you mean?”

“He strolls into his office, says an ‘I’m sorry,’ and then shoos us on our way.”

“Well, what’s you expect a cake or something?”

“No, but I thought he would give us some specific help. You know, like, ‘Let me get a couple of officers to help you in your investigation,’ kind of help.”

“You expect too much out of people. He was just glad to have us out of his office.”

“I hope that is all it was.”

“You worry too much. Here we are at the Hyatt.”

“I know I worry too much, but I can’t help it. Okay, what’s the plan here?”

“We go inside and ask to speak to the manager. We lay. The search warrant on him and then ask to see the registration records.”

“Sounds pretty straightforward to me. Let’s go.”

“Let me do the talking.”

“Always do. That’s how we get into trouble.”

“Yeah, very funny. Let’s go to the front desk over there.”

“Lead on my liege.”

“Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

“We would like to speak with the manager of the hotel.”

“Is there a problem, sir?”

“No problem, and I would appreciate your help in having the manager step out here. I’m a detective with the Boston Police department on official business. Here are my credentials.”

“Yes, sir. One moment sir.”

“Way to go on the Bogart, Larry.”

“I don’t need to waste words on a front desk clerk, Andrew. Here comes someone who looks like they are going to be a pain in the ass.”

“Be nice, Larry.”

“Yes, sir. My name is Wentworth, and I’m the senior manager. What seems to be the problem?”

“There is no problem, Wentworth. We just need to see some registration records.”

“Well sir I’m sorry, but registration records are confidential¾”

“I don’t mean to interrupt, Wentworth, but this warrant says otherwise.”

“Hmmm. I see this warrant authorizes a Detective Dunfee to view the registration records any time before eight Pm tonight.”

“Correct. So let’s go to where ever the records are and take a look.”

“Are you Detective Dunfee?”

“Yes, I am. Here are my credentials.”

“Yes, sir. Can you wait a minute? I will need to counsel with our attorney.”

“What do you mean by a minute? I would hate to see you in contempt of that order.”

“I just need to make a phone call. It shouldn’t take more than five minutes. In the meantime, may I offer you some coffee?”

“I would love a coffee.”

“Very well. Let’s go to our executive office. We have coffee there. I will excuse myself and make the call from my office.”

“That’s fine. Lead the way.”

“Yes, sir. Right, this way. It is a short walk down the hall.”

“Larry, a word?”

“Yes, Andrew? Uh, Wentworth. Could you give us a minute?”

“Yes, sir. I go to the executive office door and wait for you.”

“What is it, Andrew?”

“This guy could drag his feet and take it beyond the eight o’clock cut off.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry. We have served the warrant. If he delays too long, I’m sure we can threaten obstruction of justice of something. I may even pull my gun. I’m getting pretty sick of these runarounds. Thanks for the warning, though. Let’s catch up to old Wentworth and have a nice cup of joe.”

“Good idea. And Larry?”

“What, Andrew?”

“Thanks for listening. You’ve been a peach.”

“Might not last, but I appreciate your counsel.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the White House Cornerstone in 1792

October 14, 2019October 20, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Yes, this week marks the anniversary of the laying of the cornerstone of the White House by George Washington in 1792. I’m sure you want to be there, but before you go, take this list and maybe avoid making social or time travel mistakes.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Laying of the Cornerstone of the White House in 1792

10 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not think the silver trowel is a souvenir. If you do, at best, a kindly George Washington will ask you to put it back. At worst, the Navy men in attendance who are also celebrating the founding of the Navy will help you put it back. (It seems as if those Navy boys have had a little too much rum, Jakome. They are serious about your yardarm swing.)

9 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat. If you do, at best, he will find another. At worst, Tiny, who missed his Anger Management support group that morning, will not be able to control himself. (If you can hold on for another minute, Jalen, Tiny will grow tired of spinning you around above his head. Of course, your landing after that helicopter experience might be a little rough.)

8 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not carry a sign that says, “Federalists Suck.” If you do, at best, the Federalists will think you are joking. At worst, It will be assumed that you do not support the constitution. ( You’ve done it now, Jamael. You have all those burley revolutionary veterans ready to run you out of town. )

7 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Alexander Hamilton for tickets to his show. If you do, at best, he’ll wonder what show? At worst, he’ll have Aaron Burr meet you at dawn. ( Do not go through with the duel, Jamison. That guy knows his way around a flintlock. I’ll bet you have much to learn.)

6 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask Washington what he thinks of “the wall.” If you do, at best, he’ll talk about clearing rocks out of the fields at Mount Vernon. At worst, when you describe what you are asking, he will have you committed. (You knew that that was a non-subject, Jamshid. Gotta wonder why you would go there?)

5 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not expect to find a Starbucks right next door. If you do, at best you can handle disappointment. At worst, your caffeine cravings will get the best of you. (There was no reason to yell at that sweet old lady when she couldn’t tell you where the nearest Starbucks was, Jantzen. Now you have that big soldier over there looking crossly at you.)

4 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask for directions to the Washington monument. If you do, at best, someone will point to George. At worst, whoever you ask will begin to suspect you are not from around there. (Since the monument was not started until 1848, Janyd, you are going to gather a crowd who may not like your story of time travel.)

3 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask about the Secret Service protecting the President. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, you might be asked why you think the President needs protecting? (Since the Secret Service was not established until 1865, Japhet those police officers are wondering why you are so concerned. Maybe time to leave.)

2 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not ask the architect why he forgot a fence? If you do, at best he’ll tell you there is no need since the President doesn’t keep cows. At worst, the idea will get passed around, and someone will suggest one be put in. (In effect you caused a time tear, Jarah since Thomas Jefferson helped build one in 1801)

1 If you go to the cornerstone laying, do not offer to help carry the stone. If you do, at best, it will arrive in one piece. At worst, it was a little heavier than you thought, and now it is laying in two chunks on the ground. (Yeah, I would say it is time to run not walk to the time machine, Jari. I think your work is done here plus there about 200folks who would love to wring your neck.)