The inspiration for this list came to me as I was engaged in discussions with a customer care representative. The positive side is the creation of this list.
10 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget that “Customer Care.” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best you’ll retain hope of getting your problem resolved. At worst, you will continue to pull on your hair until a large area of exposed scalp occurs. (Now, don’t you look good, Derwin. Folks are going to be asking about that bald spot on the side of your head. I would make up some kind of medical treatment story.)
9 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget they have your address. If you do, at best you won’t insult tiny the WWF champ. At worst, you will challenge Tiny to meet you outside. Tiny just graduated from his tenth stint of anger management, and he is more than glad to take you up on your offer since he still doesn’t get the management part. (Who’d a thought Tiny was in the next town, Deveon. I don’t think I would go out to meet him no matter how many rocks he throws at your house.)
8 If you are talking with customer care, do not become impatient if the rep can’t understand or hear you. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, you will be put into the penalty box for an hour cooling off period. (One nice thing about being on hold, Deverel is you get to listen to music that sounds like it is piped through sandpaper. Don’t get upset by that announcement every minute that tries to convince you of your importance to the company as a customer. They don’t give a rip.)
7 If you are talking with customer care, do not give any helpful information before the rep asks for it. If you do, at best you’ll be repeating yourself often. At worst, the rep will become confused, and your problem will only be made worse by a duplicate shipment.(Yeah that second shipment was as wrong as the first huh, Deylin. This time though it cost twenty dollars more. Good luck on returning two.)
6 If you are talking with customer care, do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, at best you’ll get another rep worse than the first. At worst, you’ll get a supervisor who was told by the boss to reduce call times and refunds. (That was a delightful two-second conversation, Diarmid. I’ll bet you are trying to translate the phrase, “Get off the phone,” as it related to your problem, right?)
5 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to be friendly by asking where the rep is located. If you do, at best you’ll get, “Somewhere in the World,” as an answer. At worst, the rep will interpret your friendliness as a hostile threat much like the previous one hundred hostile threats before you. (That tone you hear means you have been disconnected, Dilan. Don’t call back for a while. Maybe that rep will need to take a break.)
4 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to impress the rep with your long-standing good customer profile. If you do, at best the rep will not laugh openly in your ear. At worst, the rep will put you on speaker phone so that the rest of the reps in the calling center can have a good laugh at your expense. (Now that you think of it, Dimas there are other outlets which might welcome your business.)
3 If you are talking with customer care, do not think the rep is qualified to solve your problem. If you do, at best you will be confused as to why the solution is so difficult. At worst, you will end the call and give a ten out of ten rating only to find the problem is still there. (Not only is the problem still there, Dino but now is complicated by a bill collector pounding on your door.)
2 If you are talking with customer care, do not have mistakenly called another company. If you do, at best the rep will spot the problem right away. At worst, the rep will provide excellent service to no avail when it is discovered you are not returning a John Deere tractor. (How could the customer service numbers for the two companies be so close, Dmitri? You sure you dialed correctly? Now give that nice person a ten-star rating. After all, you were only on the phone for an hour.)
1 If you are talking with customer care, do not call if you have anything else in the world to do. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up for the lack of time. At worst, you will continue to hang on while that doctor appointment scheduled for three hours after you started the call will go unattended. (You know in your heart that the doctor was more important than getting the right lamp, Dolphus. You just felt you were close enough to victory to hang on just a little longer. Well, the doc is going to bill you. Better you should have tossed the lamp and ordered another one.)
Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After his wife decided that she was tired of hearing the same stories repeatedly, she convinced him that it would make more sense to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house under orders to shut up and get to work, Charles brings you Legends of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you, and his wife is happy he finally has someone else to play with.
