Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Trainload of Oranges to Leave Los Angles in 1886

February 8, 2021February 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This week marks the 135th anniversary of the first trainload of oranges to leave Los Angles for Eastern markets in 1886. The town of LA only had 11,000 inhabitants when the oranges were shipped. Mostly farmers and workers on farms tending the massive orchards around the city. We can’t pass up the opportunity to go west again when LA was young. This time we need to take a look at the agricultural side of things. As usual, we need to take our list of things not to do so that we don’t cause a problem in the time continuum. Let’s all get in James’s Oldsmobile. I call shotgun.

James Wainwright’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop. You should read this one on Amazon. Just click the car to go there. Hurry back.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Trainload of Oranges to Leave Los Angles in 1886

10 If you go, do not show your “Save the Colorado River” shirt. If you do, at best, you’ll get a quizzical look. At worst, one of the farmers will ask you what it means. (You see, Manawydan in the 1880s irrigation was mostly tapped from the hills. It wasn’t until 1941 that the Colorado River Viaduct routed water to LA from the Parker Dam 250 miles away. So right now, there are no arguments about water from the river. That farmer looks like he likes you.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if you can have an orange. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be listening. At worst, Tiny will think you are trying to steal oranges. (Tiny was told by the bosses to be on the lookout for orange rustlers, Manfried. He was told to show no mercy. This, coupled with Tiny’s sociopath tendencies, means you will experience Tiny’s famous drop hold. Yeah, that’s a drop like in fall for ten feet. Maybe the concrete isn’t the best landing spot.)

8 If you go, do not sing Carol King’s song about the Earth moving under your feet. If you do, at best, everyone will be watching the oranges being loaded. At worst, the local sheriff will wonder what you are trying to accomplish. (Earthquakes have been recorded in the Los Angles area as early as 1812 in the Ventura area. These guys don’t take moving Earth Lightly, Manley. I think the Sheriff wants to talk to you.)

7 If you go, do not mention frozen or orange juice in a can. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, you’ll be overheard by a farmer. (Now you’ve done it, Mannie. Orange juice was first canned in the 1920s as a way to take up the slack posed by too much fruit being grown. As fresh fruit ages, its taste begins to deteriorate. It was thought by canning it, the abundant stocks could be saved and sold. You have to hope the guy you told is the one who came up with the idea. Otherwise, you have altered the time continuum.)

6. If you go, do not ask for a screwdriver. If you do, at best, you’ll get a tool. At worst, you will be asked to explain what you mean. (Given that Los Angles has plenty of oranges, Manny it seems natural that a little vodka could be added. Unfortunately for you, such a drink was not invented until the late 40s. Two stories exist about that invention. The first story is that American oil workers living in Saudi Arabia would add vodka to their orange juice and stir it with a screwdriver since spoons were in short supply. The second story is U.S. Marines came up with the drink and named it. In any case, you are way ahead of your time.)

5 If you go, do not suggest making orange sherbet. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the entire crew will enthusiastically ask you to do it. (The use of ice and salt to enhance the making of frozen deserts came to America in the 18th century, Manolito. Orange sherbet is a natural. Get some ice, salt, milk, sugar, vanilla, and fresh orange juice, and you have it made. Of course, there is the arm breaking cranking of the ice cream machine. We’ll see you later.)

4 If you go, do not offer to go with the oranges to New York City. If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed out of the county. At worst, someone will let you get in a car. (I hope you have plenty of provisions Mansfield. It will take over three weeks for a freight train to make the trip. An express passenger trip can be made in 84 hours via the new Transcontinental line.)

3 If you go, do not ask the farmers about Florida oranges. If you do, at best, the tractor noise will drown out your question. At worse, the biggest farmer will hear you. (Since the beginning of time, Manuelo, there has been a rivalry between Florida and California. You now will see how the big Californian Farmer feels about his oranges.)

2 If you go, do not take bets on how many pounds of oranges will be produced in 2021. If you do, at best, everyone will think you have lost your head. At worst, you’ll have no way to pay the bet since it will be 135 years in the future. (Be that as it may, Manvil. If someone guessed 25 billion pounds, they are a winner. I think you should give everyone their money back.)

1 If you go, do not argue with anyone about the original source of the sweet orange. If you do, at best, they won’t care. At worst, you will argue with someone who wants to win. (The original source for the sweet orange was China, Manzo. They were brought to America in the 1500s by the Spanish explorers. You need to go and offer that guy who is sharpening his knife an apology since that was his position. Yeah, maybe you ought to let him coll off a while. Here have an orange.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Official Establishment of Hollywood in 1887

February 1, 2021January 31, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Harvey Wilcox – Registered Hollywood in 1887. Wikipedia image

Today marks the 134th anniversary of Hollywood’s official registration with the Los Angles County recorders office in 1887. I know I would like to go there and see what the beginning looks like. We need to take out the top ten list to avoid any tear in the time continuum. James’s Oldsmobile is ready so let’s get going.

James’s Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

10 If you go, do not say anything bad about Kansas. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, Harvey Wilcox will be standing right behind you. (For your information, Mahpee, Harvy, the guy who registered Hollywood, came to Southern California from Kansas. I think I would say “go Jayhawkers,” and walk away.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, for directions to the Walk of Fame. If you do, at best, Tiny will be on his lunch break and not hear you for the chewing. At worst, Tiny will realize he has no idea where the Walk of Fame is located since it is not in place yet since it was built in 1953. (you must know what happens when Tiny gets confused, Maichail. I would just lay back and enjoy the pinwheel drop. We have plenty of Ben-Gay.)

8 If you go, do not use any curse words. If you do, at best, Wilcox won’t hear you. At worst, you will look up after hitting your thumb with a hammer, and he’ll be there. (Harvey Wilcox came from Topeka to establish a utopian vice free community. Your blue language has his ears burning, Maitland. Speaking of burning, I wonder how Harvey’s eyes feel boring into yours?)

7 If you go, do not mention alcohol. If you do, at best, Daeida Wilcox will be otherwise distracted. At worst, she and Harvey will think you need saving. (The two of them are prohibitionists, Makaio. You can now look forward to an interdiction and 24 hours’ worth of instruction on the evils of alcohol.)

6 If you go, do not scoff at the name Hollywood. If you do, at best, the Wilcocks will be in the city. At worst, they will overhear you. (Since Daeida came up with the name, Makin, Harvey wants satisfaction. His second just hit you with a glove made of armor. When you wake up the whole thing may have blown over. doubt it.)

5 If you go, do not ask about where the Hollywood sign went. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, Wilcox will think it a great idea. (Now you have altered time, Maks. The Hollywood sign was erected in the hills in 1923 and originally advertised a new community called Hollywoodland. The sign originally said Hollywoodland but was shortened in 1943. What are we going to do with this sign in the middle of town?)

4 If you go, do not mention film making. If you do, at best, only the workers will hear you. At worst, Wilcox will want to know what you are talking about. (You better not detail that in 1900 filmmakers fled the State of New Jersey to get away from Thomas Edison’s attempts to monopolize the industry. If you do, Malek old Wilcox will have a heart attack. Works of the devil in his mind.)

3 If you go, do not talk about the Oscars. If you do, at best, people will think you are talking about your uncle. At worst, Wilcox will get wind of your conversation. (Sure enough, Mallory, Wilcox wants you in jail. The idea of promoting film making he believes to be a sin. Since the first Oscars were awarded in 1929, you could have skipped the discussion. I guess it is too late. Here comes two of Hollywood’s finest.)

2 If you go, do not comment on the streets of Hollywood. If you do, at best, you won’t be heard. At worst, Wilcox will be right there when you make your statement. (Wilcox was the guy who laid out the dirt streets lined with pepper trees, Maloney. Although not appealing to everyone, they had a certain sparseness he favored. He is giving you a chance to run. I would take it.)

1 If you go, do not recommend planting English holly to back up the name Hollywood. If you do, at best, the guy planting pepper trees will ignore you. At worst, Wilcox will like the idea. (Unfortunately, Malyn English Holly needs more water than that available in Los Angles’ desert climate. Now that Wilcox planted all that holly, he is looking to you to find a way to irrigate it. Put down that watering can. You are going to need more than that.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Discovery of the World’s Largest Diamond in 1905

January 25, 2021January 24, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

In 1905 the world’s largest diamond was found on this day, January 25th. It was found in the Premier Mine in Pretoria, South Africa. We all need to go and take a look at this giant rock. Of course, we need to take our list of things not to do so that we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum. So, let’s get in James’s Oldsmobile and head for South Africa. We can wave hello to Robbie Cheadle on the way by.

10 If you go, do not pick up anything in the mine. If you do, at best, it will be a pebble. At worst, you’ll have your fingers around an uncut diamond. (Right now, the boss of the mine is thinking about turning you upside down, Meblevi. He is wondering how many more you have picked up. By upside down, he means hanging in the elevator shaft by your ankles till everything in your pockets falls out.)

9 If you go, do not ignore Tiny, the WWF champ, when he warns you to stay back behind the line. If you do, at best, Tiny will be looking the other way. At worst, Tiny, who has missed five days of his Prosac medication, will think you are challenging his authority. (Now you’ve done it, Macbeth. You have hurt Tiny’s feelings, and he thinks it is a good idea to hurt yours. He won’t use words, though. That body slam just might fill the bill as far as he is concerned.)

8 If you go, do not brag about giving your financé a one-carat diamond ring. If you do, at best, everyone will stifle their laughs. At worse, you will cause the entire mining company to have fits of laughter until they choke. (The diamond found is 3,106 carats and weighs 1.33 pounds, MacGregor. It’s no wonder you have become the laughing stock of the place. Oh, by the way, the foreman wants to talk to you about the massive work interruption. He doesn’t look pleased either.)

7 If you go, do not mention out loud that you think the name of the diamond, The Cullinan, is silly. If you do, at best, no one is listening to you. At worst, Sir Thomas Cullinan, for whom the diamond is named, will be standing right behind you. (Sir Thomas also owns the mine, MacKenzie. When Fredrick Welles, the mine’s superintendent, discovered the diamond, it was immediately given to Sir Thomas and then named The Cullinan. Looks like Fredrick would like to see you outside. Wonder what he is going to do with that pick?)

6 If you go, do not ask Sir Cullinan what he intends to do with the diamond. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, you’ll ask in a room full of people. (It seems, X that Sir Cullinan intends to sell the diamond to the Transvaal provincial government of South Africa for £150,000, which is North of £15 million today. (Not everyone will like that idea, Macklin. Now Sir Cullinan will have to figure out what to do with you. Hmmm, they are pouring concrete in shaft number two. I would stay away from there if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not mention your knowledge that the Transvaal government plans to give the diamond to Edward VII of England as a token of esteem. If you do, at best everyone will think it a good idea. At worst, people will get suspicious about where you came up with the information. (Well, MacNab, it looks like your time travel ability might be uncovered. If I were you, I’d just tell everyone you are drunk and laugh it off. Of course, Louis Bofa, the prime minister, is sending some thugs to pick you up.)

4 If you go, do not talk about how the stone was transported to England from South Africa. If you do, at best, most everyone is avoiding you by now. At worst, there is an interested party who is taking notes. (The stone was placed in the captain’s safe and then guarded around the clock on its trip to England. This is the story you told, MacPherson. In actuality, the stone was shipped by regular post. The ship with all the guards was a ruse. It arrived at Buckingham Palace without incident. Lucky for you.)

3 If you go, do not tell the story of King Edward’s reluctance to accept the stone. If you do, at best, you will be locked in a dungeon. At worst, the government will want to know what you know. (Edward wondered if it would be a good idea to accept the stone, Madison. None other than Winston Churchill then the Colonial Undersecretary advised him to take it. As a token, the King gave Winston a replica he displayed proudly on a silver platter.)

2 If you go, do not regale the crowd with tales of how the stone was cut. If you do, at best, no one will believe you. At worst, Abraham Asscher will overhear what you have to say. (It is Abraham was selected by the King to cut the huge stone into several smaller brilliant polished diamonds. ( The task was daunting, Madu. When Abraham went to make the first cut, which would divide the stone in two, his tool broke. The second try was successful, but after the cut, Abraham fainted. He was revived and went on to successfully cut the diamond into smaller pieces over time.)

1 If you go, do not talk about the further cutting of the stone. If you do, at best, folks will think you are bragging. At worst, the mine doctor will take you into a quiet room with padded walls. (The large stone was cut into nine major stones and 96 brilliants, Magni. The two major stones are part of the crown jewels and are kept in the Tower of London. The remainder of six is in possession of Elizabeth II. The major stone is called the Great Star of Africa and is set at the top of the Sovereign’s Sceptre with Cross. The second major stone is called the Second Star of Africa and is set in the Imperial crown. )

Here is a photo of the finished stones.

The nine major stones. Top: Cullinans II, I, and III. Bottom: Cullinans VIII, VI, IV, V, VII, and IX. Wikipedia Image

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gusher Oil Well Hit in Beaumont Texas in 1901

January 11, 2021January 24, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This week marks the 120th anniversary of a big oil strike at Spindletop Hill near Beaumont, Texas. Since this is the dawn of the oil industry, which grew to be the first Trillion dollar industry, we need to see this. We better take a list of the things not to do so we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum.

Let’s climb into the Oldsmobile and be off.

10 If you go, do not step on the black grass. If you do, at best, you’ll only use one foot. At worse, you’ll go several feet. (The problem is, MacGregor the oil well spewed oil for hundreds of feet coating the landscape. You now are covered from the knees down, and some roughneck wants you to pay up for the oil you are taking.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, a question as he tries to cap the well. If you do, at best, he’ll be too busy to pay attention to you. At worse, he will stop what he is doing and put a melon hold on your head. (You see, MacKenzie, Tiny has been trying to cap the well for nine days, and so far, the well has showered the area with 900,000 gallons of crude. Tiny has missed several of his coping group meetings, so he is a little tense. Don’t worry, those dimples made by his finger grip will go away in, say, five years.)

8 If you go, do not feel you have to lecture on how fossil fuels were made. If you do, at best, you might find someone to listen. At worst, no one will care since the boss is yelling about the crude oil spilled all over the ground. (The fact that crude was formed by plants and animals under pressure will fall of deaf ears, Maklin. If you could point them to an easy way to pick up the oil, I think you might have something. That big guy over there is telling you to start scooping oil. Nt the time to refuse.)

7 If you go, do not congratulate Patillo Higgens on finding the oil. If you do at best, he won’t be listening. At worse, he will hear you. (Patillo Higgens was the guy who thought there was oil under the salt dome near Beaumont. He leased the land at Spindletop to engineer Anthony Lucas. Lucas is the one who hit paydirt. Higgens had sold his stake in the land before the strike. So you see, MacNab. Higgens is a bitter pill. Speaking of that, I think you ought to start for the door. Higgens is drinking again.)

6 If you go, do not listen to anyone who wants you to buy an oil lease. If you do, at best you won’t have any money. At worse, the man will take an IOU. (Now you are in a pickle, MacPherson. You have given an IOU on a worthless lease. The bright spot is when the guy goes to collect, you will be long gone. All these hucksters and grifters are why Spindletop became known as Swindletop.)

5 If you go, do not try to explain to anyone how Beaumont will become a boomtown. If you do, at best, folks will think you are lying. At worst, you’ll tell Joseph S. Cullinan, who will go on to found the Texas Fuel Company. (Joe was very interested in what you had to say. His company became Texaco, and he very rich. Joe wants you to join him at his company, Masison. Too bad you have to go.)

4 If you go, do not talk about how much oil will be needed for gasoline-powered engines. If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed at. At worse, you’ll have to explain exactly what makes you believe the numbers will be that high. (So now everyone thinks you are weird, Madu. In 1900 there were 4,092 cars. By 2018, there were over 273 Million gasoline vehicles in the US alone. Who’s going to believe those numbers?)

3 If you go, don’t tell anyone about the number of oil wells that will be drilled in Spindletop next year. If you do, at best, your drink will be taken away. At worse, you will be labeled as a fortune teller and run out of town. (you have to admit, Magni, the idea of 285 active oil wells is not something people can grasp. Don’t look now, but the Tar and Feather group has just started a fire.)

2 If you go, do not trip over a president of a drilling or Land development company. If you do, at best, he won’t notice. At worst, he’ll take offense. (It’s going to be hard avoiding those guys since over 500 companies converged on Spindletop. Mahpee. You can be forgiven for being clumsy, except that guy looks like he’s drawing a pistol.)

1 If you go, do not let your Down with Big Oil t-shirt show. If you do, at best, no one will know what big oil is. At worst, you’ll have about 2,000 workers wanting your hide. (The Spindle top area produces over 17 million barrels of oil that first year. That was about $3.4 million or in today’s dollar value over $102M. You can see that any dispersions on oil would be taken seriously, Maichail. I think I would hit the return home button.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on National Spaghetti Day

January 4, 2021January 3, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 125 Comments

Normally I would be doing a post on a historical event but this week was pretty slow in the History department. (Sorry, Susannah and Andrew) It just so happens that today is National Spaghetti Day. So I thought it would be fun to lay out some things not to do in celebration of spaghetti day.

Top Ten things Not to Do on Spaghetti Day

10 If you celebrate, do not wear white. If you do, at best, the sauce will be alfredo. At worse, you will be served a big bowl of sausage and basil. (good move, Martyn. You now look like the subject in a Lizzy Bordon reenactment.)

9 If you celebrate, do not reach for Tiny the WWF champ’s bowl of spaghetti. If you do, at best, have a $20 bill handy. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped several group sessions on his food aggression treatment plan, will grab your arm. (Looks like Tiny wants to separate you from the bowl, Malcolm. I think to drop it while your hand still works is good advice.)

8 If you celebrate, do not try to substitute Bucatini for spaghetti. If you do, at best, no one will see you make the switch. At worst, you’ll be having dinner with Guido Barilla. (You must understand, Marston. Guido is the president of Barilla pasta and does not take kindly to anyone fooling with his spaghetti. Looks like he has called his friend with the big car to take you home. Maybe.)

7 If you celebrate, do not toss your spaghetti against the wall to test for doneness. If you do, at best, you are in your own house. At worse, you are visiting your in-law’s new house. (I guess it goes without saying, Macauley, that the idea of spaghetti on the wall of a new house won’t be well received. I see your father in law going to his gun safe. That can’t be good.)

6 If you celebrate, do not try to twirl your spaghetti on a fork if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will be able to fit it in your mouth. At worst, you will be faced with a twirl the size of your head. (Now, what are you going to do, Maverick. You can’t fit it in your mouth, and there is no way to untwirl it. Might want to see if anyone wants to play basketball.)

5 If you celebrate, Do not think el dente means raw. If you do, at best, no one will show up for your meal. At worst, your guests all decide to go to the spaghetti house for dinner. (Seems a shame they all left you, Miska. That advice to read the box cooking directions was especially hurtful. )

4 If you celebrate, do not try to serve Five-Way Chili as an authentic spaghetti original. If you do, at best, there will be no spaghetti experts at the meal. At worse, you have invited Bobby Flay to dinner. (So what are you going to do now, Mace? Bobby keeps looking at his bowl of chili over spaghetti as if there should be more. I think carry out might be the best option.)

3 If you celebrate, do not try a new goat sweetbread pasta recipe. If you do, at best, your guests love sweetbreads. At worst, all your guests have to leave early. (The sad part, Mikhael, is your guests are all together in the ER. I don’t think you should join them for an after-dinner drink. It is ipecak all around)

2 If you celebrate, do not try to serve spaghetti for dessert. If you do, at best, you make it sweet. At worse, you’ll serve up your garlic special. (If your guests haven’t left by now, Mablevi. This concoction of spaghetti and garlic will drive them from the room. No, that chocolate sauce just makes it worse.)

1 If you celebrate, do not make funny animal pictures on everyone’s plate out of the spaghetti. If you do, at best, the sauce will cover them. At worst, your guests will slowly get the feeling that they should leave. (Funny thing about adults, Macbeth. Not many like having their food manipulated into characters. It’s that uncomfortable feeling about not knowing where your hands have been. Oh yes, and that spaghetti giraffe is positively creepy.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Flamingo Hotel by “Bugsy Siegle in 1946.

December 28, 2020December 27, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

This week marks the 74th anniversary of the Flamingo Hotel opening in Las Vegas by Bugsy Siegle in 1946. Since Bugsy is a colorful character, we will want to go to this grand opening. We need to take our list of things not to do to avoid a tear in the time continuum. We have James’s Oldsmobile all gassed up and ready to go.

10 If you go, do not pretend to be a gangster. If you do, at best, you won’t run into one. At worst, you’ll be playing the big shot only to run into George Raft. (A little secret, X. George is an excellent friend of Bugsy’s. Be careful he is reaching into his jacket. It might be for a cigarette case or a .45. Let’s hope for the coffin sticks. Oooh, bad choice of words.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny for a complimentary room. If you do, at best, Tiny never heard of that before. At worse, Tiny has skipped his last ten group sessions on customer service. (Don’t look now, X, but Tiny is going to treat you to an all-expense-paid trip to the curb. I hope your landing is softer than the last guy who asked for a complimentary room.)

8 If you go, do not call Bugsy by that name. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll remind you that his name is Benjamin. (You see, X, Bugsy got the nickname for his volatile nature in his old days in Murder Inc with Meyer Lansky. He wants people to believe he is a businessman. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Bugsy wants to see you in his office. No, I wouldn’t go either.)

7 If you go, do not get chummy with Virginia Hill. If you do, at best, she won’t tell Bugsy. At worst, Bugsy will want to know all about it. (Virginia is Bugsy’s girlfriend, who he nicknamed Flamingo for her red hair and long legs. Does that name ring a bell, X? I would not accept a ride to the airport in Bugsys car if I were you.)

6 If you go, do not take the chair with Charles Luciano’s name card on it. If you do, at best, Charles couldn’t make it. At worst, Charles did make it and is looking at you. (For your information, X Charles’s nickname is Lucky. I think you have heard of Lucky Luciano, who heads the Eastern Mob Syndicate. He’s now wondering how you would like to tread water in Lake Mead wearing cement overshoes)

5 If you go, do not mention that you don’t recognize the headliner for tonight’s show. If you do, at best, people will think you are from the backwoods. At worst, Bugsy will start to get suspicious about where you came from. (Jimmy Durante and Xavier Cugat were among the biggest names in entertainment, X. Bugsy is now thinking you were complaining about the entertainment. Looks like his pals are inviting you out for a car ride. I would take a pass.)

4 If you go, do not complain to Billy Wilkerson, the current owner of record of the Flamingo, about Bugsy’s curt demeanor. If you do, at best, Bugsy doesn’t hear you. At worst, you are complaining while he is standing behind you. (Bugsy is the flamingo’s actual owner, X. It took a little money and some direct talk to persuade Billy to turn over control to Bugsy. There are those two guys again offering you a lift to the airport. I would take Uber. Wait, what am I saying?)

3 If you go, do not ask Bugsy how the grand opening is going. If you do, at best, he will be too busy to answer. At worst, you’ll cause him to look at the books. (In the first week of operation, the casino lost $300,000, X. That would be like $4,235,835.16 today. So no wonder Bugsy has that wild look in his eye. I think he blames you for asking the question.)

2 If you go, do not ask Bugsy what a “square count” is. If you do, at best, he will think you are joking. At worst, Bugsy will think you are working for Lucky Luciano. ( A square count, X is an honest report of actual costs and earnings. You now have Bugsy concerned in that he pretty much overinflated the cost of building the casino. It was supposed to cost $1,600,000 and ended up at over $6,000,000. You can bet Bugsy will want to keep you quiet. You have to wonder why that guy is hauling in that bag of cement.)

1 If you go, do not think you can stay at the Flamingo. If you do, at best there will be a room at another hotel. At worst, there are no rooms available in all of Las Vegas. (When the Casino opened, X, all the rooms were not finished. This was one reason the casino lost so much money. Gamblers who didn’t have a room took their winnings to a hotel on the strip and continued to gamble and mostly losing at another place. Bugsy closed the casino and then reopened in May of 1946, which made the difference.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Completion of the Washington Monument in 1884

December 7, 2020December 7, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

This week marks the 136th anniversary of the completion of the Washington Monument.

Lt Col. Casey places the aluminum apex on the Washington monument.

The Washington Monument was started on July 4th, 1832, and because of money shortfalls and the Civil War wasn’t completed until December 6th, 1884. So it isn’t any wonder that we should go and see the last piece of the construction put in place. We need to take our list of the Top Ten Things Not to Do to not cause any kind of time continuum interruption. Grab the list and jump in the Oldsmobile, and we’ll be off.

TopTen Things Not to Do at the Completion of the Washington Monument in 1884

10 If you go, do not offer to place the eight-inch aluminum point on the top. (If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed at. To St Louis. At worse, you will ask Lt. Col. Casey of the Army Corps of Engineers. (It was Lt. Col. Casey who supervised the construction of the final piece of the monument, Morrison. He is the one to place the point. If looks could kill.)

9 If you go, Do not get in Tiny the WWF champ’s way as he lowers the capstone in place. If you do, at best, someone will pull you out of the way. At worst, Tiny will lower it in place anyway. (You see, Morse the capstone weighs 3,300 pounds. I think Tiny wouldn’t mind seeing what a flat you would look like sailing off the monument.)

8 If you go, do not torture other visitors with the question, Do you know why the monument is 555 feet high? If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you’ll ask someone who knows but is chilled to the bone in the cold air. (That person will tell you that the height was determined by setting it at ten times the base’s width. That person is now asking for your gloves, Morvan. I think they have earned them._

7 If you go, do not ask if you can take the elevator to the top. If you do, at best, those you ask will think you are drunk. At worst, they’ll think you are having an episode of some kind. (The elevator was not complete until 1888, Moshe. Even the iron stairs were not done until 1886, so these folks are wondering. Oh, look. They have guys in white jackets and are pointing your way.)

6 If you go, do not take a bet on how many marble and granite stones were used in the construction. If you do, at best, you’ll bet a penny. At worst, you’ll put your Maryland horse farm up as collateral. (Even though you thought you knew history, Mosi. Your guess was wrong. It took 36,000 blocks of granite and marble to build the monument. Those big guys look like they want the deed to your virtual horse farm, which, of course, you don’t have. Maybe it’s time to jump back into the Oldsmobile.)

5 If you go, do not ask to see the cornerstone. If you do, at best, you’ll get some surprised looks. At worst, you’ll be handed a shovel. (The cornerstone was buried 21 feet below the surface in 1848, Muni. I think these guys are beginning to believe you are some kind of anarchist. I would be careful if I were you. Those tar and feather parties are not much fun.)

4 If you go, do not give an opinion that the laying of the cornerstone in 1848 was a solitary affair. If you do, at best, whoever hears this chatter will not have attended. At worst, you say so in front of someone who was there. (The cornerstone was laid with upwards of 20,000 people in attendance, including President James K. Polk, Mrs. James Madison, Mrs. Alexander Hamilton, George Washington Parke Custis, and future presidents Buchanan, Lincoln, and Johnson, Murchadh. This person is laughing at you now.)

3 If you go, do not point out the apparent ring of different colored stones at the 126th foot level. If you do, at best, you’ll get a “so what.” At worst, you say something overheard by Lt. Col. Casey. (The different color stones resulted from the quarry near Baltimore not being available after the construction was begun again. Different stones were used, and the color was slightly off. The Lt. Col. is so pleased to have you point this out, Mychajlo. I see him with a box of dueling pistols. Could it be he wants satisfaction?)

2 If you go, do not argue with those who say the completed monument is the tallest building in the world. If you do, at best, people will walk away. At worst, you might get into fisticuffs with one. ( You see, Myrick, once the monument was complete, it became the tallest building in the world. It was second only to the Cologne Cathedral. It kept this status until the Eiffel Tower was completed in 1889. Looks like that guy is putting on some gloves. Hope you know how to box.)

1 If you go, do not question the value of the aluminum apex. If you do, at best, those who hear you will think you are crazy. At worst, Lt. Col. Thomas Lincoln Casey will hear you. ( The aluminum apex was thought to be as valuable as silver. It was cast in Philadelphia and thought to be the largest piece of aluminum in the world. After casting and before installation, it was put on display at Tiffany’s in New York. Looks like the Col wants a word with you, Matthew.)

***

Today is the 79th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and time to remember all who lost their lives on that Sunday morning.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Folies Bergère Revue in 1886

November 30, 2020November 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 134 Comments

This week marks the 134th anniversary of the first revue stages at the Folies Bergere theater in Paris in 1886. The show was quite a hit, and we certainly want to be there. Grab the list of the Top Ten things not to do so we don’t cause a time continuum tear. Hop in James’s Oldsmobile, and let’s go.

James Wainwright’s Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

10 If you go, do not gape at the scantily clad dancers. If you do, at best, they will think you’re ill. At worst, you might collect a slap from one of the chorus members. (It seems, Mohsen, that you attracted the attention of Bertha, who was previously with Ringling Brothers Circus. She used to box with the big Grizzley bear. Good luck with your relationship.)

9 If you go, do not laugh at the antics of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, he won’t be able to pick you out of the crowd. At worst, Tiny believes he is a serious performer and is now wondering why you are laughing at his performance of Pagliacci. (Of course, you and Tiny know Pagliacci first premiered in 1892, but that didn’t stop him from wailing out what he thought was a fine opera. He is looking for you, Monroe. He said something about high dive. Let’s just say it doesn’t sound like a good thing.)

8 If you go, do not ask what the title of the revue, “Place aux Jeunes,” means in English. If you do, at best, you will ask an older person. At worst, you will ask a young person. (You see, Montague, “Place aux Jeunes” means a place for young people. You know folks who don’t mind a little nudity in their shows. That person you asked is talking to the gendarm over there. The term pervertir keeps coming up. It might be time to leave.)

7 If you go, do not think you can have a feather as a souvenir. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, that feather was the cornerstone for the whole costume. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten us into, Montay. Even though it is 1886, causing a person to lose their costume is a serious offense. I hear a bunch of people running your way. It might be good to go the other way for now.)

6 If you go, do not think you can take the stage and sing along. If you do, at best, you’ll fall into the orchestra pit. At worst, your off-tune singing will cause the entire show to stop. (Well, Montez. Believe it or not, the 200 or so who have paid for admission are not pleased about this circumstance. I hear someone calling for tar and feathers. A very tough combination to get off.)

5 If you go, do not ask about the acrobats. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worse, you’ll ask Édouard Marchand. (Marchand was the guy who took a different direction with the Folies, Montrel. He had the idea of an elaborate review featuring women. He will point out to you that acrobats, circus acts, and boxing kangaroos all played at the Folies in the 1870s. He now wants to know if you want your money back. I would tell him no.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the artists Manet and Toulouse-Lautrec. If you do, at best, no one will know them. At worse, you will ask the barmaid. (Now you have given away your status as a time traveler, Moor. Both artists painted famous paintings using the Folies as subject material. In fact, Manet’s A Bar at the Folies-Bergère, painted in 1882, is of that girl. Manet died a year later. This painting did not become famous until long after 1886.)

3 If you go, do not order Absinthe at the bar. If you do, at best, they will be out. At worse, they are having a happy hour special. (You better be careful, Moreley. Absinthe contains the chemical compound thujone made up of a ketone and a monoterpene present in the spirit in trace amounts and was blamed for its alleged harmful effects. That theory has been debunked, but why chance it. Oh, I see. A little too late on the warning. Happy trails to you.)

2 If you go, do not make a bet about how many costumes sets and people are involved in the shows. If you do, at best, you only bet a little. At worst, you put up your virtual farm in Les Baux-de-Provence. (Of course, you lost, Morgen, since who would be able to guess 40 sets, 1000 costumes, and 200 people. I shape you have a virtual deed to your virtual lavender farm.)

1 If you go, do not mention that the show Place Aux Junes does not have the word Folie and thirteen letters like all shows at the Folies Bergère. (Another faux pas, Morpheus. That tradition was established 100 years ago, so you are about 34 years too soon. Don’t worry, I think these guys like the idea anyway.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First American Motor Car Race in 1895

November 23, 2020November 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments

Frank Duryea – Duryea Wagon Company Wikipedia Image

This week is the 125th anniversary of the first automobile race in the US. The race took place in Chicago and was a 50 mile round trip between Chicago and Evanston. We should go and at least witness the finish. Don’t forget to take a list of things not to do to protect the time continuum. We will need James’ Oldsmobile, so climb in, and we’ll be off.

James’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

Top Ten things Not to Do at the First Motor Car Race in the US in 1895

10 Do not complain when only six of the 89 racers entered actually made it to the starting line. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worse, you’ll be overheard by the editor of the Chicago Times-Herald, the sponsor of the race. ( It seems he is not in a good mood, Miikka. A freak snowstorm dumped ten inches of snow and prevented the other starters from showing up. I see he is handing you a snow shovel. Good luck clearing the first 25 miles.)

9 Do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you would like to ride in his entry. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you above the engine noise. At worst, since he has to have a race official riding with him, he will assume you are trying to overweight his vehicle. (It is easy to explain a perceived slight away with Tiny. Of course, you have to allow him to toss you at least ten feet, Miklos. I know the landing isn’t always perfect.)

8 Do not place your money on the electric car entries. If you do, at best, you only bet what you could afford to lose. At worst, you put up the deed to your ranch. (You see, Millard. The two electrics that made the starting line had battery failure after a few minutes. So much for supporting green technology. It will be interesting to see you explain away a deed from 2019.)

7 Do not mention to the race organizer that you figure the race to last at least an hour. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are kidding. At worst, he’ll think you are drunk. (Although the race was only fifty miles, Milos took over ten hours for the first-place finisher to arrive. I noticed the organizer is pointing you out to a couple of Keystone cops. It might be a long night.)

6 Do not try to sell advertising to the first Benz team. If you do, at best, they will laugh. At worst, they’ll tell their sponsor, Macy’s of New York. (Don’t look now, Min, but I think that is a Pinkerton private investigator looking at you. I’m sure the Macy’s wonder what you are up to by soliciting their driver.)

5 Do not ask where you can get a Bud Lite. If you do, at best, someone will think you are talking about a candle. At worst, you’ll ask a guy named Bud. (Good going, Minoru. Bud thinks you are mocking him, and now he wants satisfaction. He talks about a bare knuckle fight. I hope you have some boxing experience.)

4 Do not predict that one of the three Benz cars will be the winner. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst you’ll make the prediction to Frank Duryea. (Nice move, Misha. Frank was the winner of the race in a car that he and his brother built. He is not happy with you,, so don’t try to get a selfie with him and his car.)

3 Do not belittle the $2000 dollar first prize for the winner. If you do, at best people will think you nuts. At worst, the sponsor will be highly up set. (That $2000 in 1898 is equivalent to over $60,000 in today’s dollars, Miska. That kind of money didn’t grow on trees. The sponsor has decided to toss you out. Good sailing.

2 Do not wait around for the second place finisher. If you do at best someone will buy you a drink. At worst, you’ll miss dinner waiting. (The second place car came in two hours later than the first, Mjolnir. It was a Benz and was the only other care to finish.)

1 Do not congratulate Mr. Macy on his car’s finish. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, he will think you are putting him on. You see, Modi. The Macy sponsored Benz collided with a streetcar on the way to Evanston and with a sleigh and then a horse drawn hack on the return trip. It never made it back.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Debut of the First Stock Ticker in 1867

November 16, 2020November 15, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

This week marks the 153rd anniversary of the debut of the first stock ticker in 1867. The ticker was invented by Edward Calahan, who configured a telegraph machine to deliver stock prices on a thin strip of paper. Whether you care about stocks or not, we have to visit New York and take a look at this thing. While we are there, maybe we can look around and see what the city was like at that time. Jump in James’s Olds, and we’ll be off. Oh, as a reminder, grab this list so that you won’t inadvertently do something to cause a tear in the time continuum. Who wants a shotgun?

10 If you go, do not ask the operator for the price of the Consolidated Edison Stock. If you do, at best, he won’t understand you. At worst, he’ll think you are making up a name. (Sure Consolidated Edison is the oldest stock on the exchange, Min, but in 1867, it was named The New York Gas Light Company. The name change came in 1936. Don’t look now, but the operator is talking to that policeman over there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, how his stocks are doing. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted. At worse, Tiny, who has missed several Personal Empowerment group sessions mandated by the court, will think you are asking a trick question. (Tiny does not have any stock, Minoru, and he thinks less of himself as a result. When he thinks less of himself, he likes to do things to others, making them feel less. I think you are about to go on a short helicopter ride with no helicopter.)

8 If you go, do not ask about a ticker-tape parade. If you do, at best, the operator will be engrossed in work. At worst, you will get a puzzled look. (The first ticker-tape Parade happened in 1886 to mark the opening of the Statue of Liberty, Misha. Right now, the operator is wondering what the heck is a ticker. That term was only applied to the symbol tape machine in later years and reflected the machine’s sound.)

7 If you go, do not ask for directions to Tiffanys. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll ask Alexander Turney Stewart, the father of the department store. (Stewart founded a store called the Marble Palace in 1846, Miska. He then built what is accepted as the first department store in 1862, which tool up a city block and was eight stories high. He is now wondering why you want to visit a place that only sells jewelry. Telling him, you just want to have breakfast there is not cutting any ice with him.)

6 If you go, do not ask if Central Park is safe. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you will ask Frederick Law Olmstead, one of the architects of the park. (Frederick, along with Calvert Vaux, came up with their “Greensward Plan,” which laid out the park to be a rural oasis in the heart of the city, Mjolnir. The park opened in 1859 and has about 2,000,000 visitors a year in 1867. Fredrick has taken offense to your question and looks like he will slap you with a glove. I think I would duck if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not ask for directions to Studio 54. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will ask Owney Geoghegan ex bare-knuckle boxing champ. (Owney opened up a sporting house at 103 Bowery known as “The Bastille of the Bowery,” in 1864, Modi. He now wants to know all about this Studio 54 business. He is willing to show you his bare-knuckle technique for the information.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. If you do, at best, you might get directions out of town. At worst, you might ask John Taylor Johnston, a railroad executive, and the first president. (The museum opened in 1872, Mohsen, so I think John wants to ask you a couple of questions about how you came to know about it. I don’t think he sees you knowing as a positive.)

3 If you go, do not ask if the city politicians are honest. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll ask William Tweed, known as Boss Tweed. (I think you are in for a rough time, Monroe. You see, Tweed and his cronies swindled New York out of millions and were finally convicted of forgery and larceny in 1873. That doesn’t help you right now, though. That bucket of cement you are standing in looks a little suspicious.)

2 If you go, do not wonder aloud why The New York Herald does not have an evening edition. (Like you. would) If you do, at best, you’ll get lots of shrugs. At worst, you’ll ask Founded by James Gordon Bennett. (James founded The Evening Telegram in 1867, Montague. He is surprised you don’t know about his newspaper. Get ready for a two-hour lecture.)

1 If you go, do not ask about the absence of skyscrapers in the city. If you do, at best, no one will know what a skyscraper is. At worst, you’ll ask Bradford Gilbert. (Brad was the architect of the first skyscraper in NYC named the Tower Building, Montay. You see, buildings made of brick were limited to height. Brad used structural steel as his building’s skeleton and allowed it’s height to reach ten stories. Yes, Brad is looking at you funny since he has been dealing with the problem for years.)