Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

April 26, 2021April 25, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 108 Comments

Photo of a store aisle — Unsplash photo by Natalia Rosa

This list was originally posted on April 27th, 2015. Since I have violated many of the suggestions here and have been banned from grocery shopping as well as laundry, I thought a review would be in order. I hope you like it.

This list is inspired by my spouse tapping to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house, our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh, load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. At one time, we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

The major tenant. If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to substitute items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before. (Pureed squash is never a good idea, Sam.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best, you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money. (Take plenty of notes, Nerd.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing. (That second job is going to be a pain, Pal.)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and their effect on the environment. (You may even be sent on a plastic bag scavenger hunt, Herb.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol. (Going home will not be pleasant, Buba.)

5 If you asked to shop, do not think you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best, you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, causing a loss of the items that, as reminded by store personnel, are after the fact payment-wise. (No refunds on broken jars of pasta sauce, Ferd.)

4 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (Have some more jerky stew, Bub.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best, you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop, no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best, you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor. (You should have learned this lesson long ago.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

April 19, 2021April 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

This post was originally run on April 18th, 2016. If you remember it, I hope you like it again. If not? I hope you like it. (My desires are small)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

10 If you are moving, do not wait until the movers show up to begin thinking of what you want to pack. If you do, at best, you will have a lot of hourly overtime to pay. At worst, your crew is likely to leave to move someone else and suggest you get organized in the meantime. (A little embarrassing to be left alone in the middle of a mess, isn’t it?)

9 If you are moving, do not pack your crystal pieces with your hand weights. At best, you might get some chips. At worst, you will arrive at the new place with a box of crystal snow. (You were going to take the weights out but forgot, huh Bunky?)

8 If you are moving, do not forget to put your frozen food in a safe but frigid place. If you do forget, at best, you will have a bunch of thawed food on arrival. At worst, the thawing food will be in a place to drip through at least six boxes of your clothes. (Those white things look beautiful with that pot roast branding.)

7 If you are moving, do not be tempted to throw out your old pots and pans just cause you are tired of them. If you are, at best, you will need to replace everything before you can eat at home again. At worst, you didn’t realize the cookware was a precious gift from your parents, and now they are going through the dumpster. (How were you to know that was their first set?)

6 If you are moving, do not try to save and pack that delicious casserole you had last night. If you do, at best, it will be spoiled during the trip, and you’ll know it. At worst, you will ignore the signs of spoilage and dig in. (Those sirens you now hear is EMS. Gotta hope they get there in time)

5 If you are moving, do not think you and your friends have to consume all the liquor the night before the move. If you do, at best, your headache, chills, and nausea will be gone around 3:00 pm. At worst, you will not only be sick but will have to deal with five or six comatose friends. (Pretty hard to carry that dresser over all those bodies, isn’t it, Buster?)

4 If you are moving, do not tell the movers to put stuff “anywhere.” If you do, at best, you will have a living room that looks like a bedroom. At worst, you will have one room filled with furniture. (It’s the first room you enter, right?)

3 If you are moving, do not think your boxes don’t need marking because you remember what’s in each one. If you do, at best, you will be opening boxes and searching for things for a week. At worst, you will finally give up and stack all the boxes in such a way as to imitate the world’s worst hoarder. It (Pretty tough for the sunlight to get in through all those boxes. You say you feel like a rat in a maze?)

2. If you are moving, do not forget to fill out the forwarding cards for your new address. If you forget, at best, you will wonder where your mail went after three months. At worst, you will begin to wonder about all those phone calls regarding your lights, water, cable, and telephone. (That is until they all go dark. Now a rat in a dark and lonely maze.)

1 If you are moving, do not have friends’ help. If you do, at best, there will be only a few dented, scratched, and broken items. At worst, you realize no one knows how to dismantle your bed and couch, and you are forced to leave them behind. (How in the hell did those items get into the apartment in the first place?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

April 5, 2021April 3, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

Here is a post that I originally published on April 4th, 2016, in honor of opening day in baseball. Maybe you’ll find it funny again or for the first time.

This list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee, including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”

8. If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now maybe a lone wolf).

6. If you plan to attend a game and sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)

5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to better your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)

4. If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and then root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Vietnam Veterans Day

March 29, 2021March 28, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 100 Comments

Unsplash photo – Vietnam Memorial Wall – Photo by Caleb Fisher

Today is Vietnam Veterans Day. A day to remember those among us who answered the call to serve and to the over 58,300 Americans who were silenced forever.

The Top Ten things today are all the same. Do not forget those who gave of themselves despite the turmoil that surrounded this war.

These are individuals who deserve our respect and gratitude no matter what we personally believe regarding the conflict.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You are Going to Disneyland

March 22, 2021March 21, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 162 Comments

A lot of folks used to head to Disneyland or Disneyworld for spring break before the pandemic. I dug this post out of the March 23, 2015 archive. I thought it would be fun to revisit a historical spring break. By the way, I did find a reference to Brutus, the WWF champ, in a 2016 post. This may be the beginning of Tiny. More research is needed. I hope you enjoy this revisit.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You are Going to Disneyland

10 If you are going to Disneyland, do not tell the kids until you are there. If you do, at best, there will be no hiccups, and you will get there after what seems like an eternity. At worst, your fight has a detour to Fargo, North Dakota, because of the weather, and the snow will melt in ten days. (And the kids will ask every three minutes when you are leaving for Disneyland)

9 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to navigate the park without a guide-book. If you do, at best, a three-day visit will seem like three years of waiting. At worst, you and all the other uninformed visitors will be arriving at the same rides at the same time only to all decide to go to a different ride at the same time and so on and so on till you realize you haven’t ridden one ride in eight hours.

8 If you are going to Disneyland, do not think the weather will be the same in the afternoon as it is in the morning. If you do, at best, there will be a little rain you didn’t expect. At worse, you may get caught in a monsoon-like downpour or the North Pole-like cold snap, which will also be the perfect growing conduit for the flu virus you picked up on the airplane.

7. If you are going to Disneyland, do not let your kids talk you into allowing a friend to come along. If you do at best, they will all get along and only cost an additional five hundred dollars. At worst, after the first day, the friend is no longer speaking to your kids and insists they want to go home and have informed their parents you are holding them against their will. (The state police and FBI are very understanding on these kinds of situations)

6 If you are going to Disneyland, do not think the breakfast with the characters will be anything but a trial. If you do, at best, you will be dismayed at the lack of non-screaming picture-taking opportunities. At worst, your child will be the one who is afraid of a giant Mickey Mouse and makes a scene that is so traumatic you hear people talking about the reaction for three days. (Luckily, your child looks completely different when not screaming bloody murder)

5 If you are going to Disneyland and plan to eat in the park, do not think the cost will be reasonable. If you do, at best, you will discover the three meals you are used to will need to be trimmed to one and a half. At worst, you will have dinner the first night you are there and then spend your time at the front gate with a cardboard sign that reads “will write for food.”

4 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to make the actors break out of character. If you do, at best, you will simply be annoying for the kids. At worst, you may encounter a character like Jim Fink, king of the river, who will take great pleasure breaking out of character with a knuckles sandwich to your nose.

3 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to join the main street parade just because it looks so all-American, and you had one too many pops at dinner. If you do, at best, you will be sleeping in the car tonight. At worst, the parade was a success, and unfortunately, it came to an abrupt end with fingerprinting and a drafty cell.

2 If you are going to Disneyland, you cannot think the rides are for adults only. If you do, at best, your children will think you don’t know how to share. At worst, you will need to have a time out while your spouse explains the purpose of going to Disneyland in the first place. (the session in full view of the park visitors)

1 If you are going to Disneyland, do not forget the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best your family will have less of a good time. At worst, you will find your family has made up a little game of hide and seek, and you are it. After you count to one hundred, they have all disappeared, and the next time you talk to them is at the hotel through a locked door.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Live in a Spring Break Area

March 15, 2021March 14, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Here is a Top Ten post that was run on March 14th, 2016. If you remember it, I hope you enjoy it again. If not, I hope you enjoy it now.

This list is inspired by watching almost every weird occurrence that can transpire in a two-week spring break period. I did a previous post on the subject but decided to take it from the sane adult perspective. After all, for every drunken idiot spring breaker antic, there is an equally sober witness to that action. (It’s called the law of disgust) This list is for those innocent souls who happen to be living in a place that is a destination for spring breakers.

10 If you live in a spring break area, do not react to a group of spring breakers in a pick-up who ask you to pull up your shirt. If you do, at best, you might get a string of beads. At worst, you may cause the group irreparable psychological harm. (They were talking to the young woman behind you. Not you old man.)

9 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to cross the street. If you do, at best, you will become a laughable imitation of the game Frogger. At worst, you may end up on the hood of a pick-up and realize the driver is too drunk to see that far. (You won’t mind riding there for the next ten miles, right?)

8 If you live in a spring break area, do not think you will be able to drive downtown to the store. If you do, at best, what was a five-minute round trip will be a three-hour tour. At worst, you will never get to the store and will, in fact, be carried by the traffic to the next county. (The city tried to warn you about traffic flow)

7 If you live in a spring break area, do not think you can go to the beach. If you do, at best, you will not find a place. At worst, you will be caught up in a game of beer pong and never make it home. (So it was the only way you could find a place, you say?)

6 If you live in a spring break area, do not take any insults personally. If you do, at best, you will be the source of much laughter. At worst, you will need transport to the ER for heart attack symptoms. (Guess which EMS vehicle can’t get through the crowds?)

5 If you live in a spring break area, do not worry about the ten tons of trash lying on the beach. If you do, at best, you will want to do something to the next person you see toss a beer can. At worst, the next person you see toss a beer can is nicknamed “killer.” (This will not turn out well, will it?)

4 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to help a person who appears lost and disoriented. If you do, at best, they will not understand you. At worst, you could be the recipient of a barf shower. (Of course, you wanted to help. You can’t help stupid)

3 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to do anything about all the noise coming from your neighbor’s house. If you do, at best, your neighbor will tell you where to go. At worst, the noise will increase since your neighbor doesn’t like being told what to do. (He is especially stubborn after twelve beers. Just ask his wife.)

2 If you live in a spring break area, do not use any sharp knives or dangerous tools for the duration. If you do, at best, you won’t need emergency attention. At worst, you will need to know first aid since it will be about two days until someone can come to help you. (The police and medical teams are dealing with big problems like passed out underage drinkers.)

1 If you live in a spring break area, do not leave your doors unlocked. If you do, at best, you may wake up with unknown guests on your couch. At worst, all your furniture could be on the front lawn. (Just because a bunch of kids thought it would be funny)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of the VW Mini-Bus in 1950

March 8, 2021March 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Today marks the 71st anniversary of the introduction of the VW bus from then West Germany. We certainly want to go and capture the moment. We need to get into James’s Oldsmobile and take our list of things not to do to avoid a tear in the time continuum. So let’s get going.

James’s Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

10 If you go, do not ask if you can replace the emblem on the hood (bonnet) with a peace symbol. If you do, at best, the engineers will be too busy to answer. At worst, Ferdinand Porsche will escort you to his office. (Ferdinand is the brains behind the original VW, Mate. He is very interested in why the peace symbol. Of course, if you tell him that the bus will represent counter-culture, he may faint.)

9 If you go, do not attempt to avoid a sales pitch given by the head of sales, Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be giving pitches to others. At worst, Tiny, who just completed an intensive sales training course where he was told not to take “no” for an answer, will view you as a challenge. (The way Tiny handles challenges, Mathieu is to eliminate them. His favorite method is the helicopter spin. Looks like his engine is getting warmed up. Bon voyage.)

8 If you go, do not mention the Westfalia camper to the engineers. If you do, at best, they will laugh you to St. Louis. At worst, the engineers will wonder where you got the idea. (So you’ve blown your cover, Matin. The Westfalia wasn’t introduced to the US until 1956. Those engineers are calling the police. They think you are an alien who is better than a time traveler.)

7 If you go, do not describe Woodstock after a few beers with the VW crowd. If you do, at best, they will think it’s the beer talking. At worst, they will all want to go. (Good luck, Matthieu. You are now on the hook for an event that is 19 years in the future. There is not enough room in the Olds to take you all there. I think you better make up something quick. These guys look a little irritated.)

6 If you go, do not sing the song ‘Convoy’ to describe the VW participation. If you do, at best, most will walk away. At worst, some will find it a bit confusing. (You see, Matvey the song refers to the long-haired sons of Jesus in a micro mini bus. These guys know the VW as the Type 2 or Transporter. Mni-buswas the common term. I think you better explain before any blood vessels are blown. These are german engineers after all.)

5 If you go, do not talk about the VW bus in the TV series ‘Lost.’ If you do, at best no one will be interested. At worst, everyone will want to hear the story. (Sad thing is, Maurizio. You don’t know the whole story, just that a 1968 VW bus was discovered on the survivor’s tropical island. They are all looking at you. I would invent something. Quick.)

4 If you go, do not describe the collectible feature of the Mini-Bus. If you do, at best they will think you are lying. At worst, the engineers will want proof. (You are in a pickle, Marry. Yes the 1967 Samba van used on That 70’s show sold for $121,000. How are you going to prove that. Aren’t you glad you opened your mouth?”

3 If you go, do not call the factory price of a minivan cheap. If you do, at best people will think they misunderstood. At worst, you’ll get into an argument with the biggest guy in the building. (The $2,200 cost is equivalent to about $23,800 today, Mawrth. For comparison, the average car cost about the same $2,200 or about 66.6 percent of the annual household income. So there was little room for price increases.)

2 If you go, do not ask them to take out some seats to make room for your sleeping bag. If you do, at best, they will ignore you. At worst, they’ll call the cops. (Remember this is 1950, Maxfield. People didn’t sleep in their transportation back then. This is not a travel trailer. The badges have arrived. You explain to them what you asked for.)

1 If you go, do not show the engineers a photo of the 1963 Light Bus painted by Bob Grmm. If you do, at best, they will pass out. At worst, they will want you to tell them how to find Bob Grimm. (you have to understand, Maximus. This is their baby and that photo is shocking to see. Looks like they are rounding up a posse. I think I would hit the road.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Creation of the Colorado Territory in 1861

March 1, 2021March 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

This week marks the 160th anniversary of the establishment of the Colorado territory in 1861. Normally on our time travel, we go to the point of the historic anniversary. Since the actual establishment was done in Congress and there is the potential of catching a rash when we go near Washington, we will travel to Colorado. We want to observe how the population is taking the news. Since most of the Colorado people are involved one way or another in gold mining, we will be seeing a lot of miners. We don’t want to cause a tear in the time continuum, so we need to have our list handy.

James Wainwright’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop. You should read this one on Amazon. Just click the car to go there. Hurry back.

10 If you go, do not stand in a minor’s claim on Pike’s Peak. If you do, at best, the miner will be at the saloon. At worst, you’ll be taken for a claim jumper. (You know how it is, Marlin. These guys are jumpy around strangers. That shotgun looks like it’s loaded. might be time to go.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if he ever played for the Denver Broncos. If you do, at best, he will be busy panning for gold. At worst, he will think you are teasing him. (Tiny has missed that last seven group sessions on positive self-image, Marlyssa. He thinks you are wondering if he ever played with horses and has taken offense. Don’t worry, the way down isn’t very long. Oops didn’t know he was tossing you off of Pike’s Peak.)

8 If you go, do not ask the saloon keep for a Mountain Brewed Coors. If you do, at best, he’ll just wait on someone else. At worst, he’ll deploy the famous mallet that he keeps behind the bar. (You see Marq, Adolf Coors began brewing beer in 1873, so the saloon keeper never heard of it. Like Tiny, he can’t believe he doesn’t know something, so your head being kissed by the mallet explains it all.)

7 If you go, do not ask for a cheeseburger at the local restaurant. If you do, at best, no one will know what you mean. At worst, you’ll be served something you can’t identify. (The reason is, Marquise, although you heard the cheeseburger was invented in Denver, it wasn’t until 1935. Go ahead and eat that ground cheese.)

6 If you go, do not ask for directions to the rodeo. If you do, at best, you’ll get puzzled looks. At worst, those you ask will wonder where you call home. (Although the first rodeo was held in Deer trail, Colorado, in 1869, Marsh, you are a little ahead of your time. A couple of those roughnecks are wondering if you are going to ride that bull. Saying no does not look like an option.)

5 If you go, do not ask if anyone found a gold nugget. If you do, at best, folks will think you are nuts. At worst, they may think you are a con man. (The largest piece of gold found in Colorado was a 156 troy-ounce ( 10.76 pounds) piece of pocket gold found by Tom Groves in 1887 in Breckenridge. Most of the Denver area’s gold was placer gold in small pieces or dust, Mattainn. Looks like the Sherrif wants to talk to you.)

4 If you go, do not mention the total output of all the mines in Colorado. If you do, at best, they won’t believe you. At worst, they will think you are from another planet. (You should have kept your mouth shut, Martinien. Telling everyone that total gold production from the area would be over 1,155 tons made you look like an idiot. Here comes a gang of well-wishers with torches. Hope you like rail riding with tar and feathers.)

3 If you go, do not try to sell Pike’s Peak or Bust t-shirts. If you do, at best, no one will be interested. At worst, you’ll sell hundreds. (You now have a big problem, Marven. The T-shirt was not invented until after 1898, when the Navy issued them as standard underwear. How are you going to find someone to make them? I think you better give refunds pronto.)

2 If you go, do not do any strenuous exercise until you are used to the altitude. If you do, at best, you’ll just faint. At worst, you’ll get a case of altitude sickness. (You don’t want to fall off a mountain, Masoud. That first step can be a long one. Can you scream for 10,000 feet?)

1 If you go, do not argue with anyone about being able to stand where four states come together. If you do, at best, there is no money placed on a bet. At worst, your new BMW is now owned by a grisly miner. (It is possible to be in more than two states at the same time, Matchithew. In Colorado’s southwest corner, the state borders three others, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah. The Four Corners Monument is where to stand in Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah at the same time. I wonder how that guy is going to get your BMW. It is sitting back in 2021. No, he’s not coming with us.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on National Margarita Day (Which is Today)

February 22, 2021February 28, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 87 Comments

It is National Margarita Day today, and I would be remiss in allowing that kind of day to pass without providing some helpful advice. The top ten list won’t help prevent a time continuum disruption, but it might keep you out of jail.

10 On Margarita Day, do not begin the celebrations with breakfast. If you do, at best, you are still working at home and have no meetings. At worst, by ten o’clock, it is clear on your Zoom calls that something is amiss. (Your boss keeps asking you to be quiet, Mar. Might be a tip-off that the old tequila friendship is about to go south.)

9 On Margarita Day, do not stand between Tiny, the WWF champ, and his first margarita. If you, at best, he will go around you. At worst, he’ll think of you as a strip of asphalt. (When you get up off the floor, Marceau, do yourself a favor and go sit in the corner. Tiny has skipped several of his anger management classes, and he looks like he is one margarita over the line.)

8 On Margarita Day, do not ask for a virgin margarita. If you do, at best, the bartender will think you are kidding. At worst, the server will give you what is thought to be the right drink. (After your lips unpucker, Marcellin, and your hair returns to its normal flat on your head position, you will realize you were given a glass of pure lime juice. The thought was you were deficient in vitamin c.)

7 On Margarita Day, do not forget to tip the mariachi band. If you do, at best, they will play across the room. At worse, they will keep playing next to you until you cough up a tip. (You see, Marcely, this is how they make their living. If you don’t tip, they won’t get paid. No, a quarter is not enough.)

6 On Margarita Day, do not think you have to eat one taco for every margarita. If you do, at best, you’ll only have two. At worst, you managed to eat six tacos and drink six margaritas. (You don’t have much to worry about, Mardel. In a few minutes, your taco’s and Margarita’s will be joining each other in what is called a technicolor yawn.)

5 On Margarita Day, do not challenge everyone to guess which plant tequila comes from. If you do, at best, the room is too noisy for anyone to hear you. At worst, everyone knows it is the blue agave. (Don’t look now, Mardon, but people are starting to move away from you. Try not to go to your next quiz on agave nectar.

4 On Margarita Day, do not challenge everyone to a tequila shooter contest. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, someone will take you up on it. (Just your luck, Mariam, you have challenged the only guy in the room who has an immunity to the effects of alcohol. I see you are starting to drool and calling for the tender bar. It might be time to capitulate while you are still conscious.)

3 On Margarita Day, do not bother the bartender with your recipe for the perfect margarita. If you do, at best, they may be too busy to listen. At worst, they have been instructed to make the margaritas according to the house formula. (I can see they are getting a little irritated with you, Marino. If those daggers coming from the eyes are an indication of displeasure, just take the margarita as offered and go away.)

2 On Margarita Day, do not go into the health risks of salt on the rim. If you do, at best, the bartender will not be listening. At worst, the bartender is a very busy person right now. (They want to know with or without salt, Marji. Any other information is likely to earn you the status of cut-off.)

1 On Margarita Day, do not even think of having a good time with your margaritas and then getting behind the wheel. If you do, at best, someone will stop you. At worst is not something any of us want to think about. (Get out of that car, Marland before someone gets hurt. Let me call you a cab, and don’t say, “Okay, I’m a cab.”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792. – Redo

February 15, 2021February 15, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Happy President’s Day.

Sunday was hectic getting ready for single-digit temperatures hitting our area. As a result, I simply did not have enough time to put together a Top Ten post. Hopefully, you will enjoy this one from February 18th, 2019. Also, I’m at Story Empire talking about prompts should you care to visit there as well.

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. This week marks the anniversary of the founding of the postal service in 1792. If you have access to a time travel machine, please take this list with you should you land in 1792. It might help avoid some embarrassment if you end up at the first post office.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792.

10 If you are at the founding of the Postal Service, do not ask for a roll of stamps. If you do, at best the clerk will be confused. At worst, they will think you are joking with a Federal employee. (Since stamps were not introduced until 1847, you are now involved in a controversy, Greggory. Fooling with a Federal Employee carries a $100.00 fine and ten days in jail or both.)

9 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not yell at Tiny the WWF champ who is working at the postal service to pay off his assault and battery fine. If you do, at best Tiny will have taken his medication. At worst, Tiny is the first recorded episode of an employee “going postal.” (Now you’ve done it, Gregos. You’ve been the reason for the creation of a whole new verb. Countless Postal employees will curse your name from this time on.)

8 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not lie to the clerk about the contents of your package. If you do, at best no one will be any the wiser. At worst, your package has been randomly chosen for inspection. (Funny how those twelve unpaid for letters got into that shipment of socks isn’t it? Grigory? You’ll need a bag of pence to rectify this situation.)

7 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your package fragile. If you do, at best it will be handled carefully. At worst, the word will be a challenge to all handlers to see how well you packed your item. (I guess the recipient of your package was quite surprised to receive a present of ground glass for their birthday, Gualtiero. You could tell them that it is a do it yourself crystal vase hobby kit.)

6 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your letter “air mail.” If you do, at best the clerk will think you have nothing in the envelope. At worst, your letter will end up on Ben Franklin’s desk since it is assumed his experiments with kites have something to do with your correspondence. (In this case, Gunny your private love note has been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper to the delight of hundreds. Good thing you didn’t sign it.)

5 if you are at the founding of the postal service, do not ring that little bell under the sign that says ‘ring bell for service.’ If you do, at best no one will come anyway. At worst, you’ll be facing a clerk who was just having a sandwich in the back. (That white linen envelope you carefully picked out to deliver your valentine is now decorated with a mustard thumbprint, Gustavus. Best not say anything.)

4 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not stare at the person looking at all the fugitive wanted posters. If you do, at best they are only curious. At worst, they are wanted for robbery and murder and are checking to see if there are any posters on them. (Try to look away quickly, Gwallter. Making eye contact with that person will be hazardous to your health. Oops too late.)

3 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not take the quill pen at the desk. If you do, at best you can call it an accident. At worst, the clerk will alert the sheriff that you have stolen government property. (What a beautiful mess. If only there had been a chain on that quill, Gwernach. Oh well, ten years at hard labor will pass quickly.)

2 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not moan out loud at the unusually long time it seems to take to serve the ten patrons in line ahead of you. If you do, at best everyone will think you have a toothache. At worst, your displeasure will be met with increased slowness on the part of the patrons and clerk. (The guy at the counter is asking the clerk for directions to Plymouth for heaven’s sake. You should have kept quiet, Gwyn.)

1 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not attempt to mail an oversized package. If you do, at best the clerk will tell you to go away. At worst, you will be advised to read the rules and regulations of acceptable package dimensions. (If you are incredibly unlucky, Gavin the clerk will read you the rules word for word. That is payback for the person who moaned behind you.)