Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are Caught at the Battle of the Alamo

April 13, 2026April 12, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

In August of 2018, I decided to match Top Ten Things with historic events. What we would do during the event is fiction, but the event actually happened. This post ran on August 27, 2018. I hope you enjoy this series.

10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best, everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst, only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape, huh, Fritz?)

9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best, he’ll just say no. At worst, since he is extremely nearsighted, he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco, so I would just lie there.)

8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best, you will have to share. At worst, from far away, a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side’s food of the day.)

7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir. ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)

6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best, he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms harder, Farid, but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)

5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best, you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball, then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You’d better hurry, looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)

4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best, you may learn a few words. At worst, whether you speak Spanish or not will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)

3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that a sombrero and a serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best, no one will laugh at you. At worst, the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)

2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best, you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas Revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)

1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best, your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition, huh, Farnley?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Attract Other Authors to Do a Top Ten List

March 30, 2026March 29, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This post was published on July 21, 2014. For some reason, I had it in my mind that another author would like to co-write the top ten not-to-do lists with me. I learned a valuable lesson, but it was a fun list, so I’m sharing it again. No, I am not soliciting another co-author.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Attract Other Authors to Do a Top Ten List

10. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not make them believe they will become rich and famous. If you do, at best, they will overlook the one “like” and still speak to you. At worst, they could find a way to troll your blog for the rest of your life.

9. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not try to write a top ten list for them. If you do, at best, you will probably include information that makes no sense. At worst, you might unintentionally include embarrassing information that the author had no idea you knew, and which will put you on the author’s hate list for all time.

8. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not lead them to believe it is easy. If you do, at best, you may never get the author to guest blog again. At worst, you may receive unpleasant e-mails from your former colleague requesting that you place your list where the sun doesn’t shine.

7. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not think you won’t need a post for that day. If you do, at best, you will be scrambling to put together something at the last minute. At worst, you will publish an incoherent post that is so off the mark you’ll want to enroll in a witness protection program and will be willing to commit a crime to do so.

6. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not force the subject. If you do, at best, you may end up with a top ten list of nothing. At worst, you will no doubt antagonize your readers with the junk produced and will have made an enemy for life of the author.

5. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not insist on running your own media. If you do, at best, your media will have absolutely no tie-in to the list. At worst, you will have the pleasure of enjoying your media selection alone, a state that may prove permanent.

4. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not set up a set of pre-publish rules that may be impossible to follow. If you do, at best, you may find yourself listless on Monday. At worst, you may cause what has been a lovely relationship with the author to degenerate into twelve paces at dawn, and you don’t know how to fire a flintlock pistol.

3. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not promise food or money for participation. If you do, at best, you will need to figure out a way to select the best lists. At worst, you may be put in a position of turning down beautiful lists because you have run out of money and food, turning those you don’t accept into lifelong Voodoo practitioners.

2. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not offer to guest post on their blog in return. If you do, at best, you might get a nibble or two. At worst, you will be listening to the crickets for a long time since none of those who are offered really want you to guest post.

1. If you are trying to attract other authors for a top ten-guest appearance, do not plead, beg, cry, or kick your feet. If you do, at best, your fellow bloggers will find a way to unfollow you. At worst, you will broadcast your desperation, which, in the jungle as well as in the blogosphere, can lead to being pounced upon by hungry lions.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your First Anniversary

March 23, 2026March 22, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

Image by TheDigitalArtist from Pixabay

This post was published on June 30, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. It was the last post we co-authored.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your First Anniversary

10 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date. If you do pretend to forget, at best, your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, that you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.

9 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding. If you do, at best, your spouse will grudgingly put up with a crush and the noise of partygoers. At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.

8 If it is your first work anniversary, do not expect congratulations from your boss and coworkers. At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job. At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room, which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.

7 If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers. If you do, at best, no one will complain that the only thing any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water. At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise, which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise, which, after a year, will cover the cost of the meal.

6 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact. If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting, and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary. At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no uncertain terms that there will not be a second anniversary.

5 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event. If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date. At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to but never had the money. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil-wrapped coq au vin, but leave the check, which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.

4 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think that no one will care if you ignore the event. If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….” since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event, and they won’t understand why you didn’t. At worst, you’ll be spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.

3 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. If you do, at best you’ll gain enough for a tip, and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue reading your blog anyway. At worst, several fellow bloggers will show up at a fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to pony up for the most expensive bill you’ve ever seen.

2 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day. If you do, at best, an ardent fan will recognize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales you wouldn’t have otherwise. At worst, you miss your window of opportunity, and your first-anniversary sale post bombs because no one understands what a year-and-a-day anniversary is all about.

1 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to discount the price on that important day. If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get lukewarm sales results from your lukewarm effort. At worst, your promotion will be so tepid that none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day

March 16, 2026March 15, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This post was published on March 17th, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, hopefully it will be handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made-up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think of Guinness stout as just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for your coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks, no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic, and there is still snow on the ground.

4. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find yourself embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s whisky in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.

2. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, several photos will be snapped that will live on the internet forever.

1. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green. If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball

March 9, 2026March 8, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This post was published on April 14, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Opening day is coming, so we’d better get prepared.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending the Opening Day of Baseball

10. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not dress like you would at the playoffs. If you do, at best, a Good Samaritan will loan you a coat. At worst, you might need to be treated for hypothermia, frostbite, or both.

9. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not sit in an uncovered seat, even if you consider yourself a bleacher bum. If you do, at best, you might just get rained on. At worst, you will get caught under a ton of snow or hailstones and will require rescue by the ski patrol.

8. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not start a fire to keep warm. If you do, at best, you’ll be pressed by a bunch of strangers all trying to get warm, too. At worst, the league might just present you with an invoice for $100M to replace the stadium, which burned to the ground before the end of the game.

7. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think Brandy will help keep away the cold. If you do, at best, you may only forget where you came in. At worst, you might see yourself on the nightly news being dragged off the field by several policemen while you yell, “Hey, ump, you blind?”

6. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think you can hide from your boss since you told a fib about where you would be. If you do, at best, your boss will be in the next row, and you’ll have to spend the entire game hunkered down and quiet so you don’t get his attention. At worst, it will be your luck to be featured as the fan of the day on the nightly news, which your boss never misses.

5. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not attend the game with anyone of the opposite sex without telling your significant other. If you do, at best, you will run into a neighbor who will wonder who is with you, which will remind you to text your significant other, so there will be no unpleasant surprises when you get home. At worst, the giant gametron will catch you both sharing a laugh and will surround you with one of those annoying hearts demanding that you kiss, which, if you do because you both indulged in the brandy of #7, will be featured on the nightly news your partner never misses.

4. When attending the opening day of baseball, as a company team building function, do not force everyone to join you in eating a bag of peanuts just because it is mentioned in the song. If you do, at best, you might have problems with co-workers at work the next day. At worst, you might be named in a class action suit by those who are grossly allergic to peanuts.

3. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not bring a mitt thinking you will catch a ball. If you do, at best, people will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, you may be the subject of an intervention by family members concerned with your ability to grasp reality unless you actually catch a ball.

2. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not root against the home team. If you do, even if you like the visitors, at best, you will have some grumpy people around you. At worst, you could find yourself wishing you had a warm towel to go with the ice-cold beer on your head.

1. When attending the opening day of baseball, do not think the players can’t hear your insults from the stands. If you do, at best, you might get a classic gesture from one of the players that implies you should be mated. At worst, you might encounter a phalanx of very big players in the parking lot, all interested in giving you a personal remembrance of the game in the form of eyes that resemble the Raccoon mascot.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

March 2, 2026March 1, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

This post ran on March 24th, 2014, and was written by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

10. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision. If you do go without your significant other, at best, your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night. At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”

9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, they will always be a perfect size for cuddling. If you do, at best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you. At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.

8. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit, the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out. If you do, at best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home. At worst, you may find that the new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery, forcing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.

7. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire. If you do, at best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model. At worst, you may have to learn to live with your brown velour furniture looking like it’s been blanketed in snow.

6. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life. If you do, at best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love, and together you will find a proper home for the python. At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.

5. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs. While that may be true in general, at best, you may find your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly trains you to give it what it wants when it wants it). At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether, causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”

4. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow. If you do, at best, you may wind up deciding that you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window. At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!

3. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a leash in public places. If you do, at best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther, so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!” At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.

2. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed. If you do, at best, your landlord never visits your apartment, and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your Oscar cichlid, a secret. At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George, which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.

1. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one. If you do, at best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours. At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will, since, as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

February 16, 2026February 15, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

This post was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me and published on April 21, 2014. I’m not in need of this service, but this list could be useful to someone. If not, then hopefully there is a laugh or two here.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma, especially those who thought they were going to date a 28-year-old.

9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to learn that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums for a first date. At worst, your dream date, who really does live in the country you claim to live in, will out you to everyone else in the service, and you will have to change your profile and identity and actually move to a foreign country.

8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.

7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway, and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect*, which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.

6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway, just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “My Name is Earl” or “Duck Dynasty.”

5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. If you do, at best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency, so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.

4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim not to have pets when you do, just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. If you do, at best, you never get together with your dream date, but the second-best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication, as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.

3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. If you do, at best, all your future dates also use glamour photos, so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst-case scenario for #1 and then double it.

2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when, in fact, you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. If you do, at best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.

1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. If you do, at best, you will find someone who actually likes you for yourself, and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)

*a cognitive bias where individuals with limited knowledge or competence in a particular domain greatly overestimate their own knowledge or skill. Proposed by psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, it stems from a lack of metacognition—the inability to recognize one’s own incompetence.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

February 2, 2026February 1, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Since the Super Bowl is this weekend, I thought I would pull some advice from a January 26th, 2015, post. It all seems to be relevant.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

10 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not arrive wearing team clothing for a team that is not playing. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are a sore loser or are drunk. At worst, the crowd may come to the conclusion you’ve had a stroke or burst aneurysm and call for EMT support, and you will end up watching the game on a fifteen-inch screen next to the nurse’s station while waiting for an attending physician.

9 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, remember that many people like to watch the ads. If you forget and stand in front of the TV during commercial time, at best, you will be called many names in the process of getting you to move. At worst, the most enormous guy in the room, wanting to demonstrate his downfield tackling expertise, will use you as his dummy.

8 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not carry in your famous crab dip that must be kept at forty-two degrees or become a hazardous waste site. If you do, at best, the temp will stay near the required amount, and only one or two will be overcome. At worst, there will be no way to keep the dip cold enough, and you will have singlehandedly wiped out a full production day on Monday for several of the attendees, not to mention hurried trips to the ER for a prophylactic pump of the stomach

7 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not believe your host’s offer “to make yourself at home.” If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when someone asks you to take your feet off the couch. At worst, you will be totally shocked to discover the room you decided to use for a bath is the overflow bathroom for the party, and you will spend a good amount of time under the water.

6 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be tempted to look into any drawers or behind any closed doors. If you do, at best, only the homeowner will notice the disturbed contents. At worst, the host, being a techie nerd, has installed cameras in each room, which play back on the fifty-inch screen that is beside the game screen to the amusement of everyone at the party. (Except the one you came with)

5 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think that since the drinks are free, you should help yourself to the point of being over-served. If you do, at best, you might make a complete ass out of yourself, which others will find typical of a lowlife. At worst, you will find yourself disoriented while actively looking for the bathroom, which you imagined you had found in the large bureau in the corner of a spare bedroom, shortly before passing out on the carpet.

4 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think your duty includes eating a portion of everything that is laid out on the buffet table. If you do, at best, several people will believe you have lost your job or are recently divorced. At worst, your pile of food will be an indication that you need an intervention, which will be organized to take place after the game, to the embarrassment of you and the person with whom you attended the event.

3 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be the first to suggest some kind of gambling scheme for the game. If you do, at best, several guests will think you make a living that way. At worst, you will have several disputes around who really won and will be forced to double-pay several to keep the peace.

2 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not become overly obnoxious when your team is ahead. If you do, at best, the lead will be short-lived. At worst, someone will take exception to your attitude since they feel bad about their team being behind. As much as they have tried to remain under control, as they learned in group therapy sessions, they are just beginning to lose their grip on reality while holding your shirt.

1 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not even think of driving your car if you have been drinking. If you do, there is no best or worst, just the potential for disaster for you or an innocent bystander.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.

January 26, 2026January 25, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This list was first published on January 18th 2016. Since we all end up in a doctor’s office sooner or later, I think it’s still useful.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up, doc?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a look. At worst, the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must-do. (You just had one of these the last time you were here, right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis of yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pillhead. (You thought it was an innocent remark, right, Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs online and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best, you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a troublemaker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor that you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well, it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best, you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith, who is currently working with Doctors Without Borders in the jungle somewhere. (Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all, right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best, you will be given an extensive list of foods you can eat and asked to keep a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will provide you with some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists, so tell me why it works.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bicycle

January 19, 2026January 17, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you. This list was first published on January 31, 2017. I hope you enjoy it

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry, he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you, Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, you can ignore the stares from those you pass. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that Speedo, huh, Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a couple of slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now, in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget that insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end, either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen at the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)