Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments
Photo by J Hertle Pixabay

This post was originally published by Marie Ann Bailey and me on January 6, 2014. Since some of us still make New Year’s resolutions, I thought it might come in handy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” If you do, at best, you’ll only lose a lot of water, which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” If you do, at best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke, and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokable filter. Of course, even five minutes without smoking is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best it’s too vague (it could mean “get organized at work,” “get your kitchen organized,” or “organize your bookshelf”), and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and family’s schedules, and they will commit you for having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” If you do, at best, you only have two books on your TBR list, and so you now have the whole year to read them. At worse, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping, and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. If you do, at best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need minor editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts, and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? If you do, at best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings, and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” If you do, at best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Photo by Joyce Romero on Unsplash

This post, written by Marie Ann Bailey and me, was published on January 13, 2014. Since the holiday period was quite long this year, and today is the first day back for many of you, I hope it is useful

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

10.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was.  If you do, at best, they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done.  At worst, they will regale you with tales of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you, and the fact that you would be fired if it were not for them.

9.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws.  If you do, at best, your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual.  At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.

8.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name.  If you do, at best, your boss will play along and pretend to have forgotten your name and salary grade.  At worst, your boss, who was called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency in your area, will want to forget who you are and have security escort you from the building as a joke.

7.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it.  If you do, at best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone, since most surfaces were uncovered.  At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-it notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.

6.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect to be able to spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job.  If you do, at best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing rather than doing, but in the end, it will cost you.  At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.

5.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was.  If you do, at best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day.  At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your coworker hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.

4.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual.  If you do, at best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you.  At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten the best route and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs, didn’t you?)

3.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties.  If you do, at best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they have resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays.  At worst, the three-week-old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.

2.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done.  At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave.  At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.

1.  When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood.  At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days.  At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer, and you’ll have a four-month-long headache to show for it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

 

Photo by BoliviaInteligente on Unsplash

This post was first published on December 30th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I think it may still be good advice.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

10. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to consume everything in the city. If you do, at best,  you may gain a few pounds. At worst, you will never ever feel better again.

9. On New Year’s Eve, do not think everyone is in love with you. If you do, at best, you may get a new roommate. At worst, you may wake up next to a stranger who is now your spouse.

8. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to scream “Happy New Year” more than once. If you do, at best, you will lose your voice. At worst, someone may in fact put a sock in it.

7. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to invent and issue resolutions for everyone else. If you do, at best, you will lose some friends. At worst, your host may resolve to ban you to the patio.

6. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to help others drink more. If you do, at best, you may be the last person standing. At worst, you may be named as a co-defendant on a DUI.

5. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to give everyone a kiss. If you do, at best, they will all think you are a nerd. At worst, you may pick up a nice case of bubonic plague.

4. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to sing “Auld Lang Syne.” If you do, at best, your off-key rendition will be recorded for playback when you are sober. At worst, you’ll not know the words and remove all doubt as to your IQ.

3. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to tell everyone exactly what you think of them. If you do, at best, a few will want to take you outside. At worst, several will.

2. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to remove some of your clothes to be more comfortable. If you do, at best, you may not know when to stop. At worst, there could be additional records of your lack of discretion that you will need to pay handsomely to squelch.

1. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to get behind the wheel of a car after you have won the shots per hour contest. If you do it, at best you will end up in jail. At worst, you might just hurt someone.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Driving in Bad Weather Conditions

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Image by Kosta from Pixabay

 

This post was published in 2014 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all tend to drive in bad weather, hopefully it will still be helpful.

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Driving in Bad Weather Conditions

10. When driving in heavy rain, do not think it’s a good time to tap into your inner child and race your car through flooded areas of the road.  If you do, at best, you’ll just irritate the drivers around you who will be splashed in your wake.  At worst, your car will stall at the next intersection, where you find out that the “water” you were racing through is really the effluent from a broken sewer main.

9. When driving in heavy rain, do not forget to turn on your headlights so your car will be seen by other vehicles.  If you do forget, at best, you may just have a couple of near-misses as cars turn abruptly in front of you because they didn’t see your dark gray car approach the intersection through the gray sheet of rain.  At worst, you may wind up wishing your car had been a neon pink color instead of dark gray after you get the bill for the fender-bender you caused.

8. When driving in heavy rain, do not think that you can safely drive at the speed you drive in good weather.  If you do, at best, the drag from the inches of standing water on the road will slow you down anyway.  At worst, you might suddenly find yourself hydroplaning and, even more unfortunately, heading straight for the broken sewer main.

7. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think that you can save time by having the ice on your windshield defrost while you are driving.  If you do, at best, everyone else will have stayed home, and you’ll have the road to yourself, thereby avoiding crashing into anyone.  At worst, your insurance company won’t buy your story that the two small holes you scraped from your windshield should have been enough for you to avoid hitting the tractor-trailer when you passed into its lane.

6. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your fellow commuters will find it amusing if you put a sleigh and reindeer antlers on the roof of your car and honk at everyone to let you through because you are Santa Claus.  If you do, at best, the other motorists will let you through because they think you’re crazy and want to get as far away from you as possible.  At worst, the other motorists will let you through straight to a highway patrol car waiting just for you.

5. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your passengers will find it funny if you pretend to have snow blindness.  If you do, at best, your passengers will help you to pull the car over so one of them will take over the driving (which was your intent anyway but you knew they wouldn’t do it if you just asked).  At worst, your passengers will help you to pull the car over, but then leave you stranded on the shoulder because they know you were faking.

4. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it would be a good idea to suddenly pull over and collect the hail because you’ve never seen it before.  If you do, at best, you’ll just have some motorists honk at you while you pack a few hailstones into your lunch bag.  At worst, you’ll have a hard time convincing your boss that you’re late for work because when you stopped to collect hailstones, you got knocked out cold by a big one, and that is why you are acting drunk at noon.

3. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it is a good time to pull out your golf club and try some putting, no matter how obsessed with golf you are.  If you do, at best, you’ll get the usual honks and rubbernecking from other motorists who are trying to figure out why you’re on the shoulder of the road swinging a golf club.  At worst, see #4.

2. When driving during a heavy weather warning, do not think this is a good time to reenact a scene from your favorite Storm Chasers episode.  If you do, at best, the storm cell never materializes, and you simply waste a tank of gas looking for it.  At worst, you wake up in another state but without ruby slippers.

1. When driving during a hurricane, … oh, please, just don’t!

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for the Holidays

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

This post was initially published by Marie Ann Bailey and me on December 23, 2013. I thought it might be a good idea to publish it a little early to perhaps avoid last-minute shopping.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for the Holidays

10.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not battle another for a parking place. If they are similarly crazed, you may just lose the front end of your car. At the same time, the other driver yells “Wakanda Forever” at you as if they are Angela Bassett in Black Panther.

9.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not take your children with you. At best, they will get in the way. At worst, they will be a witness to your stepped-up aggressive behavior when you Taser another parent for the last remaining Lego City Police Boat Chase set.

8.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not leave home without a list. If you do, at best, you will no doubt forget something or someone. At worst, you will be tempted to grab armloads of stuff with the rationale that what doesn’t work can be returned, only to find out after the holidays that you were wrong.

7.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not think you are going to get anything on sale. If you think you will, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, you will be afraid to go home, given what you have spent.

6.  When shopping at the last minute for the holidays, do not forget the sizes on your list. If you do, at best, you may just misjudge. At worst, you will get your mother-in-law an extra-large, and you’ll never hear the end of it (even if it is the right size).

5.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not think expensive will take the place of thoughtful. If you do, at best, you will spend too much and become everyone’s favorite gift-giver.  At worst, none of your gifts will be appreciated, and all of them will be returned for cash.

4.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not have everything gift wrapped at the store. If you do, at best, it will appear as if you did not put your heart into the gifts. At worst, you could be accused of giving gifts you bought for someone else.

3.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays do not buy gifts that you yourself would not want to receive. If you do, at best, you might just get it back someday. At worst, the gift might be as tasteless as you thought it was, and now you are the embarrassed recipient.

2.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not stop until your list is complete. If you do, at best, the person you left off will give you the best gift ever, and you’ll have to admit that you got them nothing. At worst, your excuse of running out of time will be the straw that broke the camel’s back, since you had a year to make it right.

1.  When shopping at the last-minute for the holidays, do not stop humming your favorite carol. If you do, you might break out in tears, and nobody likes a crier this time of year.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Boss is Traveling or on Vacation

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments
Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

 

 

This list was first published in November 2014. Since bosses still travel and go on vacation, it may come in handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Boss Is Traveling or on Vacation

10 If the boss is out of the office, do not think your workload has been reduced for the length of time the boss is gone. If you do, at best, you will get away with the slowdown. At worst, you will be asked by the boss for the status of your projects first thing in the morning of the boss’s return.

9 If the boss is out of the office, do not think you will make brownie points with your boss’s boss. If you do, at best, your boss’s boss will assume you are an opportunist. At worst, the boss’s boss just might give you a ton of extra projects to complete before your boss gets back.

8 If the boss is out of the office, do not think it is your job to be the new boss. If you do, at best, your co-workers will ignore you. At worst, your co-workers will actually come to you for decisions on projects that the boss has refused to consider. Your reward will be fully realized when the boss gets back.

7 If the boss is out of the office, do not think the dress code is suspended. If you do, at best, you’ll be ratted out to the boss by the weenie in the cube next to you. At worst, the boss will come back early and call you into a meeting with the big boss, Lederhosen and all.

6 If the boss is out of the office, do not think you are due for three-hour lunches. If you do, at best, you will upset your co-workers. At worst, your boss asked HR to keep an eye on the department and note the hours of all, and you have several hours to make up.

5 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you can organize an in-office football game with the boss’s office on one end and the VP’s office on the other as the goal posts. If you do, at best, the team that loses will rat you out to the boss. At worst, although it was supposed to be two-handed touch, Bruno from sales decided to repeat his performance as an All-American tackle. As a result of the hospitalizations, HR and security have been looking for you for days.

4 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you can requisition all the supplies your boss has denied. If you do, at best, the supplies will be delivered to your boss’s office for dispersion. At worst, your boss will return to find the budget for supplies has been severely compromised and, instead of asking what happened, will contact the internal department of investigation to request a fraud investigation.

3 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you have carte blanche on business entertainment. If you do, at best, you will be asked to reimburse the company for unauthorized expenses. At worst, your co-workers all join you for the meal and think you can submit it as a team expense, only to find out you will still need to reimburse the company for an unauthorized expense. You also find that none of your co-workers know who you are or remember any meal.

2 If your boss is out of the office, do not think of bending the alcohol rules for the monthly birthday celebration. If you do, at best, the same weenie will rat you out to the boss. At worst, you will have sponsored the best birthday party the team has ever experienced. Still, unfortunately, the party was finally broken up by a city SWAT team after HR and security gave up trying to restore order. Subsequently, every attendee claimed to have been drugged without their knowledge, and your fingerprints are all over the punch bowl.

1 If your boss is out of the office, do not think you can take all the days off. If you do, at best, you will not be discovered missing until someone needs a stapler, which you have the only one in the office. At worst, you will not be missed until your boss returns early to address a problem with one of your accounts, because the client called the president of the company because they could not reach you. Good luck in the new job hunt.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments
Pixabay

This post was published on December 6th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since it is close to Black Friday, I figure it might come in handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

10.  If you are buying a gift for a girlfriend, do not plan to give clothes unless you are double-dog sure of the sizes. If you’re lucky, you buy something too small and she feels bad (yet happy) because you think she’s smaller than she really is. If you’re unlucky, you buy something too big and she makes you feel bad for thinking that she’s bigger than she really is.

9.  If you are buying a gift for a boyfriend, do not plan to give him one of those latest mechanical gifts from an online gadget store. Best case: he won’t be able to figure out what it is for and will feel stupid. Worst case: he will know what it is for since he already has one.

8.  If you are getting a gift for a mother-in-law, do not plan to re-gift something you received from a family member or even a complete stranger. In the best case, you’ll have left the gift receipt in the box with last year’s date. In the worst case, it will be the very gift your mother-in-law gave you two years ago. To make it even more embarrassing, you raved about how perfect the gift was when you got it.

7.  If you are buying a gift for a father-in-law, do not plan to give any kind of hat. The best case is that your mother-in-law will tell him he looks ridiculous in it. The worst case is that he will actually like it and wear it just to spite the mother-in-law, and then you will be on the hook for the resulting friction.

6.  If you are buying a gift for a spouse, do not plan to give them anything they asked for when you asked what they wanted for Christmas. At best, your spouse will consider the gift as a no-brainer on your part and wonder why you didn’t get something else. At worst, your spouse will have changed their mind, and you now have a new doorstop.

5.  If you want to give a gift to a teenager, do not buy anything. Simply provide them with the money you would have spent. If you do buy an unwanted gift, the best you can hope for is an eye roll, followed by the teenager getting a cash refund for it. At the worst, you’ll soon find the gift, with the gift sticker still affixed, at your local thrift store.

4.  If you are buying a gift for a co-worker, do not buy any intimate apparel or anything that could be considered personal. In the best case, you will be thought of as “kind of creepy.” In the worst case, you will be explaining to Human Resources what you had intended by the gift.

3.  If you are buying a gift for the postal person, do not give anything you have baked. The postal employee is fully capable of putting together their own cookie. At best, you will see your baked goods handed off to the following mailbox on your street. At worst, you will wonder why your mail stopped after the holidays.

2.  If you are buying a gift for a white elephant gift exchange, do not buy anything you might not want to take home. The best case is that you manage to avoid being stuck with what you brought. The worst case is that you will be the proud owner of the gift you brought, which you will then have to store away until next year or give to your mother-in-law.

1.  If you are buying a gift for your boss, do not try to keep up with his tastes. Simply get a gift card from Amazon and let him pick up a book. The best case is that whatever you give other than the gift card will never cost enough. The worst case is that you might actually spend enough to find out your boss has one of the things you bought. Unless it is a new Ferrari, you will never recover.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments
Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

 

This list was first published on September 16, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since American football is going strong, and you might be invited to a viewing party, this list may come in handy.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

10 When invited to a football party, do not show up in your favorite team’s uniform if the game that is being watched does not include your team. You will immediately let your host know that you have no interest in the game and that you only came to drink up the beer and eat as much of the food as possible.

9 When invited to a football party and asked to bring a dish, do not think you are fulfilling the host’s wish by hauling in a big bag of store-bought popcorn and a liter of diet soda.  Actually, you won’t be fulfilling anyone’s wish with that contribution.

8 When invited to a football party and you are welcome to bring a guest, do not think this includes a stranger you grabbed off the street or a distant member of your family. The host probably intended you to bring a date or spouse and won’t appreciate feeding extraneous random people.

7 When invited to a football party and the host has no intention of starting a gambling pool, do not think it is your duty to correct what you think is an oversight. The host probably doesn’t want to put his guests on the spot to cough up a twenty, which they will ultimately lose.

6 When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.

5 When invited to a football party and you see that the host does not have a fifty-inch HDTV, do not offer to buy everyone a drink at the local sports bar just because it has four such TVs. Your tab may end up being more than you can afford, and your host may end up wrapping one of the TVs around your head.

4 When invited to a football party and the host does not have your brand of beer, do not turn up your nose and declare loudly: “Well, if you don’t have any, I’ll just have water.” Go ahead and sacrifice your delicate taste buds to the beer that resembles carbonated defrost, which your host is serving. After all, you don’t need to drink a barrel of it, although a barrel may be what you need to forget why you cared.

3 When invited to a football party and you need to describe a great play, do not pick up a curio and ask the crowd to imagine it as a football. It may be that the curio you just passed into the kitchen, which was dropped by your wide receiver, was a Fabergé egg handed down by your host’s great-great-great-grandmother.

2 When invited to a football party and you realize the game is the most boring thing you have ever watched, do not pick up the remote and change the channel to a movie. You may just offend not only your host but also the rest of the party. They may be reminded of the time the TV network cut off the last two minutes of the Super Bowl to air the movie Heidi. You take a chance on vigilante action.

1 When invited to a football party and the game is over, it should be your signal to leave. Do not wait for your host to switch off the TV and start clearing the living room of empty beer cups, pizza boxes, and paper plates of gnawed chicken wings. Your host is not making room for you and your guest to spend the night on the couch. They really want you to return to your own couch, no matter what they say.

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments
Photo by Obi on Unsplash

 

Here is a list authored by Marie Ann Bailey  and me. It was posted on January 14, 2014. Since there is still a need to go to a car dealer, it may be helpful

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

10.  If you go into a car dealer, make sure you really want to buy a car. If you don’t, at best, you may walk away from a car that you fell in love with but can’t afford. At worst, you might end up paying for that car for the rest of your life.

9.  If you go into a car dealer, do not say anything regarding your like or dislike of a car. If you do, at best, you will tip your hand. At worst, you may end up with the one you dislike since it is priced so well.

8.  If you go into a car dealer, do not drink a big gulp before arriving. If you do, at best, you may need to interrupt your negotiations at a bad time. At worst, the sales rep may detect your uneasiness, interpret it as a sign of weakness, and hammer the negotiations until you agree to everything just so you can make a break for the bathroom.

7.  If you go into a car dealer, do not wear any clothing with designer labels. If you do, at best, you will impress everyone in the showroom. At worst, you may pay thousands more for a car than the people at JCP.

6.  If you go into a car dealer, do not bring the children. If you do, at best, they will get hyped up on the sugary donuts the salespeople will feed them. At worst, the kids will want to sit in your lap just as you try to negotiate a good deal and tell the salesperson that you are just kidding.

5.  If you go into a car dealer, do not park your car where it can be seen. If you do, at best, the condition will tip off the salesperson as to your trade-in before the deal. At worst, the salesperson will get a heads-up on how badly you need transportation.

4.  If you go into a car dealer, do not accept anything to eat or drink if offered. If you do, at best, you’ll take on extra calories you don’t need. At worst, you may feel you owe the dealership something, and you don’t want to get talked into a thousand-dollar cup of coffee.

3.  If you go into a car dealer, do not sign anything before you read it. If you do, at best, you may have some expensive surprises when the car is delivered. At worst, you may have sold your home for a dollar.

2.  If you go into a car dealer, do not demand to see the manager if you’re unhappy with the deal the salesperson is offering. If you do, at best, you may be embarrassed to learn that the salesperson is the manager. At worst, the employees will use the videotape of you ranting at the company party as the leading entertainment.

1.  If you go into a car dealer, do not even think of special ordering a car. If you do, at best, you may end up paying too much. At worst, you may be riding around in something that lost fifty percent of its value the minute you drove it off the lot, since Habanero Orange is not everyone’s favorite color.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Presence of a Camera

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Photo by ShareGrid on Unsplash
This list, co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, was first published on June 22, 2014. Since there are still cameras around, it might be useful today.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may go viral on the internet for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take a picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7.  If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6.  If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friend’s get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions, and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5.  When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4.  If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3.  When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show, as a result of your trip.

2.  When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pinhead in the night. At worst, you will have a close-up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1.  When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but the tops of the innocent little heads.