Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Quentin Rey on Unsplash

This post was published on March 17th, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, hopefully it will be handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made-up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think of Guinness stout as just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for your coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks, no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic, and there is still snow on the ground.

4.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find yourself embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s whisky in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.

2.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, several photos will be snapped that will live on the internet forever.

1.  On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green.  If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.

55 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day”

  5. Duly noted John… there is a big parade in town tomorrow but the
    weather at the moment looks a bit iffy… so we might just watch the
    shenanigans (and there will be plenty) on the television and Youtube
    usually puts on a good show too.

    We were in San Antonio one St Patrick’s Day and had the pleasure of
    watching the river turn green… and the fun to be had.

    hugsxx

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  7. LOL. Oh, come on John, no green hair and not even a green hat? (I used to have a fabulous green wig. I regret donating it when I moved.) Don’t let any leprechauns find you snoozing — they might paint a shamrock on the end of your nose. 👀.

    Happy Saint Patrick’s Day 💚. 🍀

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  8. My oldest son was the Green Goblin for Halloween one year, and I sprayed his very blonde hair with green paint (it was specifically for costumes) that was supposed to wash out. Maybe it did for darker hair colors, but his hair and scalp were shades of green for about a week, lol.

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  11. Nicely done, John. I’m afraid it won’t be much of a St. Paddy’s Day here, with snow once again on the ground. Sigh. And just when some of the dormant trees and flowers were thinking about re-emerging. Enjoy responsibly for me!

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  17. The one day each year that I add an apostrophe to my name. But like you, I no longer imbibe in “the spirits” like I once did. Have a great day, be well, be happy and enjoy.

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  23. Irish alcohol is potent! One year, my daughter brought a bottle of Irish mead to Christmas dinner. 17% alcohol! It went to my head really quick. The California mead that she brought was only 5%, and that was potent enough.

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