Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

July 6, 2026July 5, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

This post continues the historical backdrop for the Top Ten Things Not to Do. If you were there at the time, there are ten things that you should take care not to do. This post ran on November 19, 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

10 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not sneeze at the critical point when he takes aim. If you do, at best, William will bless you with a Gesundheit. At worst, your sneeze will throw him off, and you will be the next in line for the apple shot. (Lucky for you, he missed his son’s head, Flavien. Now it is your turn, and William looks very angry.)

9 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to stand in for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will eat your apple. At worst, Tiny, who just left the Apple Shot Near-Miss veterans support group, will be traumatized by the offer. (Tiny works out his trauma by doing body slams, Florian. I think you’d better start looking for a soft place to land.

8 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start humming the William Tell Overture. If you do, at best, someone will like the tune. At worst, you may be accused of being a warlock since Rossini did not write it until 1829. (A couple of dips in the dunking chair will help clear that music out of your head, Florian. Can’t imagine why you would give in to an earworm anyway.)

7 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not fail to bow in respect to the hat that the newly appointed Austrian Vogt, Albrecht Gessler, has placed on a pole. If you do, at best, no one will see you not bow. At worst, you will be arrested for not doing the same thing William Tell did not do. ( I hope you know how to shoot a crossbow, Fonzo. It looks like you have to hit a crabapple off of Tiny’s head. If you miss, Tiny will be very upset. Especially if you hit him.)

6 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not wear your Austrians Suck t-shirt. If you do, at best, the Austrians will think you are joking. At worst, the Austrians will think you are a leader of the Swiss independence movement. (Now you’ve done it, Forseti. The next time you see daylight, it will be at your hanging. Enjoy the brief view.)

5 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not open a stand and begin selling Swiss chocolate. If you do, at best, the Austrians will like the chocolate. At worst, your chocolate will be declared contraband, and you will be declared a revolutionary. ( I told you to stick with Speckknödel, Francesco. Now look at the fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.)

4 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask William for his autograph. If you do, at best, he will blow you off. At worst, he might give you to the count of five to see if you can outrun a crossbow bolt. (Don’t forget, Frandscus, William just shot the apple off his son’s head. I don’t think he thinks of himself as a hero.)

3 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not offer William a contract to take his apple shooting show on the road. If you do, at best, William will be in a good mood and ignore you. At worst, William will sign the agreement with the understanding that you will have the apple on your head. (Well, a contract is a contract, Frannsaidh. Looks like you are signed up for a thirty-city tour… or one depending.)

2 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start selling T-Shirts that say I’m the Apple of my Daddy’s Eye. If you do, at best, William won’t see them. At worst, William’s sense of humor will have hit an all-time low, and your T-shirts pushed him over the edge. (Looks like those shirts are going to make a nice bonfire, Franziskus.)

1 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start taking odds on whether William will hit the apple or his son. If you do, at best, no one will tell him. At worst, William will find out about your activities and come looking for you. (I would stay under that table, Frazier. I don’t think you want to explain yourself right now.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

June 29, 2026June 28, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Not to Do list with a historical background. This post ran originally in November of 2018. Pretend you were there, and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you are going to wish you had never. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now, don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best, he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny, who has just finished his group session on self-esteem, will believe you think he is incapable of loading that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best, Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best, Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah was not able to get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers, and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best, it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you have done a service to humanity, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lie low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best, the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. (I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What if every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best, you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best, he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Lucky, the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit, you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best, the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. (Noah is now asking you how to determine if the waters have receded.) “Wait until you see land,” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way, the shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

June 22, 2026June 21, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in 1636. This post was published on October 28, 2018.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best, the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny, the WWF champ, is a member. If you do, at best, Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny, who was just criticized by the dean for unnecessary hazing, had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean’s lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best, no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best, you can get notes from the nerd. At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder, okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense, thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best, the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the college until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best, your fellow students will just laugh. At worst, the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time in the dunking chair for the rule violation. I hope those hold-your-breath contests come in handy.)

2 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best, no one will need the space. At worst, Professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh, Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best, you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, it looks like your used books will make excellent fire starters, Fadil. Better luck next term)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You were with Edison in 1879

June 15, 2026June 14, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

This is a continuation of the Top Ten on a historical backdrop. On October 21st, after 14 months of testing, Thomas Edison first demonstrated his electric lamp, hoping to one day compete with the gaslight. We also know that Edison invented the phonograph. This was originally posted in October, 2018.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You were with Edison in 1879

10 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not say, “Watson, come here, I need you.” If you do, at best, no one will answer. At worst, you will be escorted from the room and your 100 shares of Edison stock revoked. (You somehow got Alexander Graham Bell mixed up with Edison, Frici.)

9 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not elbow Tiny the WWF champ out of the way for a better view. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who has an aversion to being touched, will use his hips to body check you out the door. (You didn’t think a big guy could move that fast, huh, Friduwulf? Too bad the door was closed when you went through it.)

8 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not touch anything before the demonstration. If you do, at best, you’ll avoid the live wire. At worst, you will inadvertently disconnect the main lead. (The test was a failure, Frisco. Thanks to you, we are all living with gas lamps today.)

7 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not tell him how to improve his speech. If you do, at best, he will do the speech the way he wrote it. At worst, he will take your suggestions. (Thanks to you, Fynbar, the electric light bulb was named by Edison as “the better mousetrap of gas lamps.”)

6 If you were with Edison in 1879, do not mention to bystanders that the British had toyed with incandescent bulbs since the 1830’s. If you do, at best, Edison won’t hear you. At worst, you’ll be talking with a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. (Well, now you’ve done it, Fernando. The headline reads “Edison steals British Idea.” Good luck with your future stock options.)

5 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not make jokes about the Edison Screw. If you do, at best, you’d better hope he doesn’t hear you. At worst, the joke carries a big laugh, and now you are unemployed. (You had no way of knowing, Francisco, that the Edison Screw is the standard setup for light bulbs and sockets. The joke was pretty funny, though.)

4 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not trip and let the only bulb fall to the floor. (If you do, at best, the carpet will prevent a disaster. At worst, the lab floor is made of concrete. (Well, there goes the demonstration, Franklin. Future generations of those who do not have General Electric to work for salute you.)

3 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest naming the company. If you do, at best, Edison will choose his own name. At worst, he will call the company after a significant advantage of the bulb. (Somehow, the Less Gas Light Company doesn’t sound too good when you say it out loud, Frankie. Let’s hope he comes to his senses.)

2 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not try to talk him out of his idea about motion pictures. If you do, at best, he will avoid you on the subject. At worst, you will be successful, and he will abandon the idea. (So where are you going with that tub of buttered popcorn, Freddy?)

1 If you are with Edison in 1879, do not suggest that he read from the newspaper on the first recorded conversation. If you do, at best, he will choose his own literature; at worst. He will listen to you and select the classifieds. (So now the first recorded voice puts everyone to sleep, Fletcher. Mary Had a Little Lamb is so much better.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

June 8, 2026June 7, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

The Battle of Waterloo by Clément-Auguste Andrieux

This post continues the historical tableaux for the Top Ten Lists and was published on October 15, 2018. As always, I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

10 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not volunteer to carry the French Eagle battle standard. If you do, at best, your application will be lost. At worst, every British and Prussian soldier will be trying to take it from you. (So how does it feel, Flannery, having 15,000 swords all waving at you?)

9 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not continue to try to meet Emperor Napoleon if Tiny, the WWF champ, tells you to go away. If you do at best, you may get thrown out. At worst, Tiny, who just finished his last group session on self-esteem, may think you don’t respect him. (Uh oh. Looks like Tiny is priming that musket, Floinn. Might be a good time to try out the Air Jordans.)

8 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not order Napoleon Brandy as an after-dinner drink while dining with the British Commander, the First Duke of Wellington. If you do, at best, the restaurant won’t have any. At worst, the Duke’s team will think you are a spy. (You just finished your last meal, Fonzie. I hope you enjoyed it.)

7 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not offer to be a Henry Kissinger-like peace negotiator. If you do, at best, you will cause uproarious laughter. At worst, one side will take you up on your offer. (But the other side has decided to use you as a target for practice. Might as well put that white flag down, Forrester. It’s not going to stop 15,000 lead balls heading your way.)

6 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, as the brandy example, do not order beef Wellington at Napoleon’s staff dinner. If you do, at best, they will all think they did not hear you right. At worst, someone will get the idea that it would be fun to have a duel. (Guess who has been chosen as the duellist, Fortune? Yup. Better find a second fast.)

5 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not take Emperor Napoleon’s horse for a fast getaway. If you do, at best, he has a spare. At worst, the horse has been trained to return to Napoleon with a whistle. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into, Francois. You can add horse thief to the charges of treason, sedition, and spy. Don’t worry, though, you only have one life to give.)

4 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not ask your British commander about tea time. If you do, at best, he will think you are joking. At worst, he will assign you the job of going to the French lines to get a croissant to go with the tea. (I’m not surprised the French started shooting at you, Franky. Everyone knows croissants are for breakfast, not afternoon tea.)

3 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not try speaking French to the French to be better understood. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, your BonJour greeting will be met with a hail of bullets. (I guess it is your American accent that gets in the way, Franz. Try Spanish next time.)

2 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not turn your map upside down to get a different view. If you do, at best, your general will get dizzy. At worst, the general will order the charge of the Scots Greys in the wrong direction. (Now you are charging alone in the right direction, Frazier. Good luck when you meet the French Chevau-légers of the line (lancers). They look pretty mean, too.)

1 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not keep your souvenir stand open after the first cannon salvo. If you do, at best, you will have few customers. At worst, you’ll have to take cover. (The cannonballs seem to be attracted to your stand, Freeowine. Maybe cheap, trashy gifts have that effect on hot, heavy, metal balls flying through the air.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

May 18, 2026May 18, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

More of the historical backdrop for this set of Top Ten Things Not to Do. This post was published on September 24, 2018. I hope you enjoy. it

The Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

10. If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget to double-check your measurements. If you do, at best, you can correct any mistakes before the East meets the West. At worst, the Westbound group will be in Promontory Summit, Utah, and your Eastbound group will end up in Provo. (You only missed the union by a few hundred miles, Ferris. Maybe you can cut over before the three-foot snows.)

9 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not borrow Tiny the WWF champ’s sledgehammer. If you do, at best, Tiny will not know you have it. At worst, Tiny has been seeking help for his inability to let things go, but has not addressed the part about possessions. (If you can, Forest, I would sneak that hammer back into Tiny’s tent since it looks like he is in stage ten of a meltdown looking for it.)

8 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget your gloves. If you do, at best, you might be able to buy a pair. At worst, you will be using a shovel to dig out the rail bed for twelve hours a day. (It might be a good idea to get those hands wrapped somehow, Fredrik. Otherwise, I think you may be out of a job.)

7 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not light up your cigar as you are pouring gunpowder into the blasting holes. If you do, at best, the wind will save you. At worst, you will get a lesson in flight long before the Wright brothers. (That ringing in your ears means you are lucky to be here, Fakhir.)

6 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not complain about the food. If you do, at best, no one will listen. At worst, the cook, who is a graduate of the Culinary Institute, has a huge knife and very tender feelings. (I think it might be time to try out those new running boots, Flint. I don’t think an apology is going to work this time.)

5 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not decide to sleep out on the prairie even though the stars are beautiful at night. If you do, at best, the mosquitoes will drive you back to camp. At worst, your slumber will be disturbed by growling noises you have never heard before. (Those are wolves, Finnigan. Playing possum won’t help. I would get up and run screaming back to camp.)

4 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, I would not try to introduce s’mores at the nightly campfire. If you do, at best, your fellow workers won’t pay attention. At worst, you won’t have enough to go around, and the resulting riot will get you fired. (Now that you are way out here, Findlay, how are you going to get back to San Francisco?)

3 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not start singing, “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” If you do, at best, you won’t remember the words and will stop. At worst, you’ll get to the part about Dina blowing her horn, and the rest of the workers will want to know who Dina is. (Looks like you have a credibility problem, Flynn. Everyone wants to meet Dina. You’d better figure out who is going to play Dina.)

2 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not think you can organize a union of workers. If you do, at best, your boss will stop you before you get too far. At worst, the railroad company and the government will escort you off the job and on to a buckboard heading back to civilization. (I guess no one told you, Fabian, that this was going to be dangerous, unsafe, hard work, and you would only get minimum wage.)

1 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not party too hard after the last spike is driven. If you do, at best, you will have a killer headache the next day. At worst, you might miss the train back to your city. (Well, Fachnan, it looks like you might be asking the local tribe of native Americans if they have room for a blood brother. Don’t be too surprised if they are less than friendly. You just finished a railroad through their land without their permission.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Crossing the Delaware with General Washington

May 11, 2026May 10, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Washington Crossing the Delaware by George Caleb Bingham – http://www.chrysler.org/education/unit1/bingham.htm, Public Domain

This list continues with the historical backdrop for my brand of lunacy. It first ran on September 17, 2018. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not dangle your feet in the water off the back of the boat. If you do, at best, they will be numb. At worst, the General will think you have lost touch with reality. (Looks like you may be sidelined for the big event, Frasco. Although you may want to avoid the battle, your pay envelope will be much thinner.)

9 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, don’t try to sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat next to the General. If you do, at best, you might be swimming across the Delaware. At worst, Tiny, who has formed a bond with General Washington, may take your move as a sign of affection for the General. (Since Tiny failed the “Unrequited Love and How to Cope” seminar, he now thinks a knuckle sandwich is an answer. Just jump out, Fredek. It will be easier in the long run.)

8 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not think wearing boat shoes from Top Siders will impress your fellow soldiers. If you do, at best, you’ll get a new nickname. At worst, a Master Sergeant will put you on report for being out of uniform. (Of course, one more on-report isn’t going to break you, Freyr. You have come to like peeling potatoes.)

7 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not start singing “row row row your boat.” If you do, at best, a few might join in. At worst, the General will single you out and threaten you with the stockade if you don’t quit making noise. (Looks like Georgie thinks you might be a British spy, Fridolf. I think quiet is the better part of this equation.)

6 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not bring your fishing equipment. If you do, at best, you might catch dinner. At worst, the General will ask you to keep fishing until you have caught enough to feed the Continental Army. (Holy cow, Frygies. That is a lot of fish. We’ll come back for you.)

5 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not ask if dinner at the captain’s table is a formal affair. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you’ll be reminded that you are on a rowboat and there is no captain’s table, and someone will hand you the flag. (You know that the flag goes in the front of the charge, don’t you, Fryderyk. Yeah, that’s right, up front where all those bullets and flying cannon balls are.)

4 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not let anyone know you get seasick. If you do, at best, some will be sympathetic. At worst, the old salt will continually describe in minute detail the roast pork dinner he had last night. ( If you can just hang on a little longer, Francis, the shore is not too far away.)

3 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not begin humming an old German tune. If you do, at best you’ll keep the volume down. At worst, since you are on your way to attacking the Hessians in Trenton, the General might think you are mocking the mission. (Washington is not sure this whole thing will work, Finn, so I would lay low if I were you. That water is certainly cold.)

2 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not mention that your enlistment in the army expires at midnight. If you do, at best, you’ll get a so what? At worst, someone will take your musket and shot, and you’ll be defenseless when you reach the shore. (Better offer to reenlist, Fabian. Otherwise, you are going to be pretty uncomfortable dodging shot from both sides.)

1 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not stand up in the boat and start singing “Old Man River.” If you do, at best you’ll be ordered to sit and be quiet. At worst, you will finish your song while trying to keep your head above water. (Looks like the General has just about had enough of the stand-up comedy, Floyd. Hopefully another boat will scoop you up.)

Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64

May 4, 2026May 3, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

This post ran on September 10, 2018, and is part of the historical top ten things not to do lists. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best, you might be mistaken for a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate, Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best, Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny, who just graduated from Gladiator school, will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and Trident Flynn. It might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best, no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best, no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best, people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace, to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best, no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if thugs are warning you not to do it. If you do, at best, you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best, you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way has blood in their eyes, Franko. Maybe it’s time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best, you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into the Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the 1849 California Gold Rush

April 27, 2026April 27, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This edition continues the historical background on the Top Ten feature. I hope you like it. This post ran on September 1, 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the 1849 California Gold Rush

10 If you are near the gold rush, do not sell everything to go mine for gold. If you do, at best, you will break even. At worst, you’ll find that you have blown your life savings chasing a dream. (Seems you could have found a better way to blow your money, Farquharson. You could try self-publishing.)

9 If you are near the gold rush, do not move that stake at the corner of Tiny the WWF champ’s claim. If you do, at best, Tiny will let you put it back. At worst, Tiny figures you are jumping his claim. (No use even putting up a fight, Farrin. I would just lie there. Tiny is bound to lose interest sooner or later.)

8 If you are near the gold rush, do not hide your gold under the straw mattress on your cot. If you do, at best, the lump will keep you awake. At worst, sadly, that’s the first place a thief will look. (Well, now you need to start over, Farrs. With any luck, you get that gold dust back in another six months of panning.)

7 If you are near the gold rush, do not describe someone to his face as a sourdough. If you do, at best, the person is too new to know that a sourdough is someone from Canada who has come to California in search of Gold. At worst, the person might take exception to being called dough. (Might as well take it back, Farson. Looks like he is mighty angry.)

6 If you are near the gold rush, do not wear your Amiri jeans to work. If you do, at best, you will attract many stares. At worst, the Levi-Strauss salesperson might decide a gunfight is in order. (I guess you didn’t realize that Levi’s are the official jeans of the gold rush, huh, Favian. No worries, just buy a pair and all will be forgotten.)

5 If you are near the gold rush, do not announce any discoveries of gold. If you do, at best, you’ll have more friends. At worst, the mob scene that will transpire is more than you can handle. (Your claim needs to be defended, Fedyenka. But do you really want to shoot someone?)

4 If you are near the gold rush, do not complain about the cost of food. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to go elsewhere. At worst, the cook may decide that serving you requires a higher reimbursement and raise his prices again. (Funny, Felix, but you are the only one paying more for everything.)

3 If you are near the gold rush, do not think you can set up a get-rich-quick wagon and tool rental business. If you do, at best, all your tools will be rented out, and you’ll need to get more. At worst, none of the devices will be brought back, and the rentals do not cover the cost. (This was not how it was supposed to work, Fergus.)

2 If you are near the gold rush, do not drink whatever is in that bottle in the saloon. If you do, at best, you won’t go blind. At worst, you might lose track of time and wake up three weeks from now broke and homeless. (Imagine if you’d had enough money to buy two bottles, Fiacre. You might not be with us right now.)

1 If you are near the gold rush, do not pan for gold. If you do, at best, you won’t find any. At worst, you might pull a couple of specks out of the sand, which will cause an extreme attack of gold fever. (Well, that does it, Fidelis. You are hooked. See you in a couple of years when your money runs out.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

April 20, 2026April 20, 2026 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

As a reminder, this series of top-ten lists is a fantasy look at historical events as if we were there. This post was originally published on August 13, 2018

The Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

10 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your best clothes while walking on the street. If you do, at best, you will be suspected of being a monarch supporter. At worst, you will be arrested, tried, convicted, and face the guillotine. (You have to admit it, Frank. These folks have no patience with cleanliness or fine clothes. Get ready for a really close shave.)

9 If you were in France during the revolution, do not accept a ride on a two-wheel wagon driven by Tiny the Revolutionary champ, who just got a loyalty award. If you do, at best, you’ll sneak off before you reach the plaza. At worst, you have a difficult time trying to convince Tiny that you are not part of the monarchy and are now trussed up like a turkey. (Those wagons are for transporting prisoners to the guillotine, Felix. What were you thinking?)

8 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I Love Louis XVI” pin. If you do, at best, most folks will think you are joking. At worst, a mob of villagers will ensure you are no longer a threat to the revolution. (What do all these people want, Fredrick. Why do they continue to yell, “Off with his head?” This is not Wonderland.)

7 If you were in France during the revolution, do not take the tour of the Bastille even if you paid in advance. If you do, at best, the tour will be quick, and you’ll be out before the storming. At worst, you will be mistaken for a defender of the Bastille by the storming crowds. (I would try to remember how to use that saber, Flynn. You are not going to convince that crowd that you are a tourist.)

6 If you were in France during the revolution, do not forget to wear your Liberté, égalité, fraternité T-shirt whenever you go outside. If you do forget, at best, you’ll still look like a peasant. At worst, your judgmental air will get you into court. (There doesn’t seem to be a whole bunch of innocent until proven guilty thought around this place, huh, Fabio. Next stop, the ultimate haircut.)

5 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I’m With Robespierre” shirt past the expiration date. If you do, at best, you’ll be reminded that he is now thought of as a traitor. At worst, you and Robespierre will become fast friends before the blade falls. ( You gotta know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em, Federico. Don’t be a fool, let Robespierre go first. Who knows, a miracle could happen.”)

4 If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake. If you do, at best, you might be looked upon as a fool. At worst, those you talk to might think you are a supporter of Marie Antoinette. (You know exactly where this is going to lead, don’t you, Finlay?)

3 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to joke about wanting a Napoleon for dessert. If you do, at best, you might need a steak for that black eye. At worst, you might need a priest for that long walk to the guillotine. (When no one laughed the tenth time, you might have gotten the hint, Finian.)

2 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to tell everyone how beautiful you think the Palace of Versailles is in the sunlight. If you do, at best, they will be too busy to take you seriously. At worst, you and 100 of your closest Versailles residents will be marched into Paris. (Another trial, Finian. This is getting tiring. The good news is this is a tip to the executioner-free day at the guillotine.)

1 If you were in France during the revolution, do not assume the flag you are flying is that of the revolutionists. If you do, at best, you picked right. At worst, your three gold fleur-de-lis on a white background, although beautiful, will attract bullets. (Never believe a guy on the street who sold it to you, Fitz. Now you need to take cover.)