Here is the Seventeenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of Halloween which will be celebrated this week.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween
10. If you decide to dress up for Halloween, do not take this opportunity to show the world parts of your body that should be kept completely private. At best the parts that are visible will only lead the viewer to believe you are older, more out of shape, or hairier than you really are. At worst you end up trying to explain to a judge why you don’t need psychological care.
9. If you decide to take your kids trick or treating, try to refrain from going through the treat bag for the sole purpose of pulling out all the full size Twix and Snickers bars. Oh sure, you can pretend to inspect the candy for safety, just don’t get caught with that Hershey bar in your back pocket.
8. While trick or treating with the kids, try to refrain from making comments about the treats being handed out. When you least expect it, the spouse of the person handing out the treats will be behind you trick or treating at their own house. At best you may not know they are there. At worst you’ll find yourself groveling in front of your own children.
7. While handing out treats at your own house, refrain from asking the bigger kids about how old they are. It could be one of them is a parent accompanying a child or, worse, a disturbed teen just looking for an excuse to let the air out of your tires.
6. If you are invited to a Halloween party and the invitation clearly says “please come in costume,” refrain from ignoring that part of the invitation. Showing up and explaining that you are dressed for work won’t go over well with the hosts. Of course, the only exception to this would be if you are unemployed.
5. When dressing up for Halloween, refrain from wearing a costume that could interfere with the triage process at an emergency room. You never know what may happen but you certainly want the emergency room personnel to believe you are human and not a piece of food.
4. If you should run out of treats on Halloween, do not try to pass off leftovers, boxes of cereal, or fruit of any kind as your offering for trick or treat. If you try, at best you will look like a cheapskate. At worst you may need a power washer to get all the soap off your windows,
3. If you decide to set up an elaborate scheme to haunt little kiddies as they come to your house to trick or treat, try to understand that a child’s digestive system will take only so much surprise. After this amount is exceeded, the natural tendency is for the body to lighten its load to prepare for the flight response. Just dropping bags of candy will probably not be the sole items of evacuation.
2. When you decide to carve your pumpkin for Halloween, refrain from carving words that you would not be proud to carry into next Sunday’s church service. Although it is pretty fun to invent new things to say on a pumpkin carving, little minds may have way too many questions for their parents about what you have written and the parents may come to you for answers.
1. When helping the children trick or treat, refrain from drinking every drink that is offered to you by friendly neighbors. Time does get away from us while having fun and more than an ounce of alcohol per hour tends to impair certain judgment factors such as: when to go home and where to sleep. At best you may spend time stumbling around. At worst you may forget where you live and have to ask your kids for directions
Fiction Favorites 
Wow. I didn’t even know #1 was a thing. I’ve been robbed of the adult fun of this Halloween for years.
LikeLike
In our old neighborhood we had a Margarita machine at the end of the driveway. So much fun.
LikeLike
That’s amazing. You’re my hero.
LikeLike
LOl…I have seen some really weird things in the ER on Halloween. (Or the weekends surrounding it.) I once saw a young werewolf with his girlfriend’s blue jeans zipper caught in his braces. They had cut it out and stuffed it into his mouth, so he didn’t have jeans hanging from his face, but it was still amusing. There have also been tragedies, but I think that was the funniest thing I saw.
LikeLike
Okay so did anyone ask how the zipper got there? This would be a question just to see what answer the couple would come up with.
LikeLike
They volunteered the info. She actually seemed rather proud of it.
LikeLike
Ha ha, inspecting the candy for ‘safety’. Right. I never did believe that one!
LikeLike
Me either. Thanks for stopping
LikeLike
I tried writing a ‘Top 10 reasons why trick-or-treating is a bad idea in South Africa’, but ran out of ideas by number 2. I don’t know how you guys churn these out on a weekly basis, but a brilliant list once again. I’d definitely be one of those parents inspecting the candy for ‘safety’. Too much chocolate is bad for kids, after all…
LikeLike
Well here you go. Feel free to use any and all.
1. The dingo may eat your baby (I know it’s an Aussie thing, but funny)
2. The local gold mine is closed
3. The bank is not giving out Kugerrands this year
4. The rhino costume is too small
5. The laughing hyena family move in next door
6. Last years costume party had to be cancelled on account of the army ant invasion and they haven’t left yet
7. You have misplaced your machete
8. Your Range Rover is still up a tree from a malfunction of the wench
9. You heard a couple of mosquitoes talking last night wondering if they should have the victim there or carry him home
10. The last time you left the house a family of monkeys drank all the gin.
LikeLike
See, i just don’t think of stuff like that 😉
LikeLike
Guity of # 9 and # 1… Looking forward to Thursday!! 😀
LikeLike
Thanks for stopping
LikeLike
This year, we are going away on the big day. No candy. No costumes, unless you count my swimsuit.
LikeLike
Swimsuit counts. No swimsuit doesn’t count.
LikeLike
Totally guilty of #9 and not too proud to admit it.
LikeLike
Last year I bought Twix to hand out and only one kid showed up. Heh, heh, heh
LikeLike
I haven’t celebrated Halloween since I had to say, “This isn’t a costume. It’s my face.” Major buzzkill. ;o)
LikeLike
So funny
LikeLike
Great post, John. Sorry it took me so long to get here. I’ve been out of town for several days. I thought I would have adequate internet service, but I was pretty much off the grid. Since I was visiting family (including my just-turned-90-year-old mother), being off the grid was kind of nice 🙂 Now it’s make-up time!
LikeLike
Off the grid is a nightmare after the fact. Hope you recover
LikeLike
I suspect that recovery will be slow 😉
LikeLike