Here is the Eighteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Top Ten Things Not to do When Commuting to Work by Car
10. When commuting to work by car, do not apply mascara while driving or use an electric razor. The former situation will have you likely wind up with a mascara brush sticking out of your eye as you slam on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of you which decided to stop for the red light. The latter situation could cause you to shave up the side of your head, giving you a “hair style” unacceptable to your boss or to several urban gangs.
9. When commuting to work by car, refrain from driving like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. At best, you’ll just wind up stopped at the next intersection while everyone behind you throws daggers at you with their eyes or maybe even for real. At worst, you’ll wind up alongside the road being attended to by a traffic officer eager to make his quota early, with everyone passing you with smiles of glee as they know you are getting your just desserts.
8. When commuting to work by car, refrain from listening to state or national news on your radio. Screaming expletives at the top of your lungs might make your fellow commuters worry that you are having a meltdown, at which point they will call the local police, who will only add to your near blood-boiling frustration by pulling you over and making you late for work, not to mention the possibility of you failing the “walk the line test” even though you haven’t been drinking.
7. When commuting to work by car, do not think you are encouraging the driver ahead of you to go faster by following them so closely that you can see yourself in their rearview mirror. Chances are they will suddenly step on the brake and cause you to read-end them which will result in (1) serious damage to your nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was) and/or (2) serious damage to their nice car that you will have to pay for because the accident was your fault (really, it was).
6. When commuting to work by car, do not try to eat your breakfast and drive at the same time. At best, you’ll just gross people out when they see you stuff a double-Egg McMuffin in your mouth. At worst, the coffee you start to sip in order to wash down the Egg McMuffin will wind up covering your nice white shirt or blouse when you suddenly have to step on the brake to avoid hitting someone pulling out of a McDonald’s in front of you.
5. When commuting to work by car, avoid the temptation to pick your nose, pop a pimple, or check your teeth while waiting for a green light. With your luck, the other commuters viewing your activities will likely be attending the same business meeting that you have scheduled that morning, only their role will be as a grossed out customer.
4. When commuting to work by car, do not try to read The Wall Street Journal or finish that last chapter of Prodigy of Rainbow Tower (Legends of Windemere) while driving. With the former, you may wind up with a face full of newsprint when you rear-end the person in front of you and your airbag engages. At worst, you’ll never get to finish Prodigy because the traffic cop saw you reading, pulled you over, and then confiscated your book (because, of course, it had been on his to-read list).
3. When commuting to work by car, do not expect to have a smooth commute when you’re running 15 minutes late for a meeting with the CEO of your company. Do expect that the city utility vehicles will be out in full force, trimming trees and picking up yard waste on every street that is normally part of your commute, making your commute time double and your chances of being fired triple.
2. When commuting to work by car, do not expect that your fellow commuters will be understanding if you alternate between speeding and slowing down because you are trying to check your text messages before you get to your office. At best, you’ll have some near-misses as commuters try to get around you and put distance between your bad driving and theirs. At worst, the same traffic cop that pulled you over in #4 and #9 will be more than happy to pull you over again since you are single-handedly helping the officer meet a quota.
1. When commuting to work by car, do not treat your driving as a right, but rather as a privilege which can be taken away at any moment for bad behavior. At best, you’ll rack up more fines and fees in a month than you pay in car insurance in a year. At worst, well, bad driving can lead to bad things happening to other people or to you. Be mindful. Be aware. Drive safely.
Fiction Favorites 
#7 always makes me mad when people do it. Someone around here has tailed my son’s bus a few times because they’re impatient. That’s so dangerous and illegal. Thanks for the shout-out. I hope my book doesn’t cause accidents. I’ve already been scolded for costing people sleep.
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I think keeping folks awake is a good thing.
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I thought so too, but they complain that they have work in the morning and 2 hours simply isn’t enough to function.
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awwww poor babies. This makes me think of a Marketing tactic. “Editor General Warning: This story may cause the reader disturbing thoughts leading to and including loss of sleep.”
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I did a few FB marketing posts saying ‘Author not responsible for loss of sleep.’ Got some laughs.
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Great. I can always consult on marketing. Price is right (free) for a former Chief Marketing Officer.
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Nicely done, John 😉 I’m guilty of #8. I can’t listen to NPR anymore on my way to work because I always find myself screaming, “You f**king idiots!” most of the way. And people do look at me strangely … at least the ones that manage to take their eyes off their cell phones 🙂
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I was once rear ended at a light by a guy who was reading the Wall Street Journal, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. His only comment was, “I didn’t see you.” Ya think?
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I would have loved to have made him eat his WSJ 🙂
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Great list! I agree with Charles, #7 drives me up the wall. And yes, I have slammed my breaks on in the past to frighten them. I’m a bad person…
John, you’re spotlighted over at The Paperbook Blog today!
http://thepaperbookcollective.com/2013/11/04/spotlight-on-john-w-howell/
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Should I worry that I do four of the ten?????
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Nope. The world should worry,
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You guys are doing a great job with these!
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Thank you. These comments keep us going.
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Mascara and lipstick are the only two makeups that I wear, but I admit that I have put on both in the rear view mirror at a stop. You two always give me something to laugh about. I recall racoon eyes at work because , while I could get it on, I could not get it off if I made a mistake.
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My internet is down, but I wanted to thank you for the comment. I can see the Raccoon eyes now. Lol. 🐼
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Sage like advice John – I pick my nose whilst driving like Jimmy Dean – perhaps this may explain his demise……
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Hard to do two things at once.
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I loved this one! Well, I love all of them, but this one especially. I used to commute when I lived in Utah, and it was about a 45 minute drive. I’d usually try and catch up on phone call then, which really isn’t that safe either. But I perfected the art of putting makeup on 🙂 I don’t do that anymore, no worries!
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Good idea. You look nice enough without it. 🙂
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Always valuable advice. Great post.
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Thank you.
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Reblogged this on Julian Froment's Blog and commented:
Valuable advice for the daily commute.
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But I like driving like James Dean. I like the Duck’s arse haircut.
On Mon, Nov 4, 2013 at 4:05 AM, Fiction Favorites wrote:
> John W. Howell posted: “Here is the Eighteenth installment of Ten Top > Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at > http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at > http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each > Monday. We h”
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Then you should have them and not listen to us. 🙂
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