Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner

This list was inspired by a mishap in the kitchen which was a result of not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy.

10 If you are cooking dinner do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot which is now in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.

9 If you are cooking dinner do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, ay best you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “she reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”

8 If you are cooking dinner do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best you will only miss a few spices. At worst you will get teaspoons and yards confused and will find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.

7 If you are cooking dinner do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best the person helping will alter your recipe to their own desire but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong and instead of your triumph dish you will be serving a new form of dog food.

6 If you are cooking dinner do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best you will only get a couple of requests that are different and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive through visit.

5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”

4 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.

3 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.

2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret which will surely be found out sooner of later.

1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any great degree. If you do, at best you will be jaded on the meal before it is served. At worst you will not outlast the preparation and will wonder the next day how the dinner went without you or the meal.

30 comments

  1. Another great list. One that I thought of is ‘go to the bathroom before you start cooking’. The oven will not magically pause time and wait for one to go and come back. (Yes, I’ve witnessed this blunder on multiple occasions.)

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    1. And please disinfect before returning. *smile*

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  2. Great list, John! I’m guilty of a number of these myself … although, fortunately, not number 9 😉

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    1. I want to thank you for re-blogging these lists. Unfortunately, your comments are turned off so I have to do it here. You are a dear.(didn’t mean to produce an alteration and a bad one at that)

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      1. You’re welcome, John. Your lists give a lift to my Mondays so I want to share. I turn off the comments because I want people to go to your blog to comment 🙂

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      2. I knew that but still wanted to tell you how much I appreciate it.

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  3. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    If you like to cook, and even if you don’t, today’s Top Ten list from John Howell is for you!

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  4. #9 was my personal favorite 🙂

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  5. Helena Hann-Basquiat · ·

    Okay, John (and hello, how have you been?!!!) remind me to never accept your dinner invitations (although I, too, have actually made “that crap that was supposed to be lasagna” so I can relate!)

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    1. I have been fine, but too busy for my own good. I am pounding out the third in my trilogy and seems all consuming. I need to get out more. Thanks for asking. My disappointment is “that crap that was supposed to be caramelized lemon turkey medallions with capers.” I finally gave up. Thanks, Helen for the visit.

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  6. Hilarious. I love these but I can bring my own dinner if you like. ~(*_~)~~

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    1. Can do. I have the wine.

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      1. Fabulous. It’s a plan then. Anyone else bringing potluck?

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      2. I heard talk of flaming fillet of Yak, but don’t know who’s bringing it.

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  7. Great advice, John! I can add one more, when boiling eggs, don’t forget to put water in the pan. 😦

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    1. OOOOH. Good advice. If you forget then a stay in a hotel is in order.

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  8. I have had so many kitchen mishaps in my cooking career that I feel like you must have surely been taking notes. Well, maybe not the goat intestines, but I have cooked chitterlings and tripe, and if mountain oysters count, we’ve fried those up too. 🙂

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    1. why do I cringe at the mention of mountain oysters.

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  9. Fantastic list and I hope that kitchen mishap didn’t leave you without one of your typing fingers (nearly happened to me with a dull knife a few weeks back).

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    1. Since I only use two it would be a tragedy 😎

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  10. Don’t put iPhone in pot with things cooking in it…….. 🙂

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    1. I liked your post today. My comment was something like yours.

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  11. 11. Don’t ask Charlotte to help, especially if peeling vegetables is required and you don’t have a peeler, handling raw chicken eeek, ewww, and especially not if you want to flame something and you like your kitchen.

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    1. So funny. You have the same aversion to raw chicken and other raw meats that my wife has. I have to do the handling. She is a master peeler though. We both avoid flaming. E have super sensitive smoke detectors and the slightest heat of flame causes them to scream. I was doing a creme brûlée one night and was afraid of the banshees catching wind if it.

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  12. Great list, John, as creative as Elton John’s improvisation of a song based on oven instructions. How funny was that?!!!! Always entertaining. I love your blog.

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    1. Oh, thank you so much Hollis. You are the best.

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