Top Ten Things Not to Do While Cooking Dinner
This list was inspired by a mishap in the kitchen which was a result of not being fully engaged in the process. I hope you enjoy.
10 If you are cooking dinner do not walk away from that pot of water that refuses to boil. If you do, at best you will return to find a steam-filled kitchen. At worst, you will return to a completely dry pot which is now in the basement through the giant hole in the floor and the volunteer fire department captain writing up the citation.
9 If you are cooking dinner do not try to edit your novel at the same time. If you do, ay best you may find the word asparagus in your final proof. At worst you will not find the word asparagus in the final proof and will have to live with “she reached for him and could feel his asparagus responding to her advance.”
8 If you are cooking dinner do not try to watch the big game while measuring out the ingredients. If you do, at best you will only miss a few spices. At worst you will get teaspoons and yards confused and will find your recipe expanded to enough servings for twenty.
7 If you are cooking dinner do not accept help even if asked. If you do, at best the person helping will alter your recipe to their own desire but it will work out. At worst, the person helping will leave out key ingredients or add something that doesn’t belong and instead of your triumph dish you will be serving a new form of dog food.
6 If you are cooking dinner do not ask people what they would like. If you do, at best you will only get a couple of requests that are different and can make an executive decision which to ignore. At worst, you will have such diverse opinions you will finally give up and throw everyone into the car for a drive through visit.
5 If you are cooking dinner, do not decide you know the recipe by heart. If you do, at best the result will be close to what it is supposed to be. At worst, you will produce what will be known for eternity as “that crap that was supposed to be a lasagna.”
4 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone likes spicy food. If you do, at best you will only have a couple of people who seem too weak to eat. At worst, you will be alternating between running for water to quell the burning and giving heart palpitations to bring back those affected.
3 If you are cooking dinner do not think everyone on the planet will enjoy your special meal made from stuffed goat intestines. If you do, at best the evening will end early. At worst, you will cause several of your guests to run screaming for their lives, fighting the gag response never to return.
2 If you are cooking dinner, do not try to pass off a Stouffers Mac and Cheese which was in the freezer as homemade. If you do, at best your family might not notice. At worst, the family will expect the same quality the next time and you’ll be stuck with your dirty little secret which will surely be found out sooner of later.
1 If you are cooking dinner, do not sample the food or wine to any great degree. If you do, at best you will be jaded on the meal before it is served. At worst you will not outlast the preparation and will wonder the next day how the dinner went without you or the meal.