Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

a new years resolution

 

Since this is Monday you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). Not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but hope you enjoy them.

Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to  a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles.  If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.

25 comments

  1. Helena Hann-Basquiat · ·

    Ah, the lampshade on the head.
    You know, I’ve taken to trying to start the New Year right by NOT being hungover. Seems the best plan.

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    1. Of course, a hangover means a lot went on. Maybe no hangover will in the long run be less fun.

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  2. Funny. You’d think it’d go without saying, but some need to hear it nonetheless.

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    1. Um yeah…if only for laughs. Thanks for stopping by.

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  3. #1 is a killer. Seems to be a debate every year around here. Nobody seems to remember the zombie morning that results from staying up so late that the sun is almost out.

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    1. Good times though. Right?

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      1. I think so. At least from the parts I remember.

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  4. Great list, John! My husband and I gave up on staying up till midnight a long time ago. And I’m not saying whether I’m guilty of any of the other items 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, my princess. Pure as the driven snow. (I’m sure). Thanks for the re-blog as well and Happy New Year.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Pure as the driven *yellow* snow 😉

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  5. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    Prepare yourself for New Year’s Eve by reading this list of things not to do by John Howell!

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  6. Ha ha! “Romance as the measles.” Hilarious, John! Happy New Year!

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    1. Thanks, Jill. Happy New Year.

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  7. “Romantic”…that is.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Too funny! Great work. New year’s Eve is my stay at home and off the roads day of the year.

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    1. Me Too. If it weren’t for the friggin fireworks on the beach I would never know when midnight hit.

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  9. Love it! Thanks for the heads up in all your posts, John. 😀

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  10. Thank you for reading and commenting

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  11. Haha. I’ll try to avoid that lampshade, John.

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    1. If not, I hope there is a camera near.

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  12. With the no hangover crew these days John

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    1. Reminds me of W.C. Fields and his famous line, “You have to feel sorry for those who don’t drink. When they get up in the morning that’s the best their going to feel all day.”

      On Tue, Dec 30, 2014 at 11:08 AM, Fiction Favorites wrote:

      >

      Liked by 1 person

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