This list was inspired by years and years of attempting to burn my candle at both ends. This list could be much longer, but I had to make a cutoff somewhere. Also since this is the Monday after the Super Bowl maybe there is some advice you can use. I hope you enjoy.
Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover
10 If you have a hangover, do not attempt to cover the fact by talking too much. If you do, you will have erased any doubt as to your condition. At worst, your mouth will run off and leave your sodden brain back in the pain pit and the brain will only catch up when it detects the words “will you please shut up.” Much too late I might add.
9 If you have a hangover, do not try to step out of your normal passive role at the morning staff meeting. If you do, at best, you will scare everyone with your slurred and totally irrelevant comments. At worst, you might disagree with the boss and insist on your point which has the effect of capitalizing on the death wish you have had ever since you bade farewell to the ceramic microphone at 3:00 AM this morning.
8 If you have a hangover, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best you may find yourself in a position of greatly apologizing for denting a car or building. At worst, you will have several people lining up in HR asking how their flattened vehicles will be replaced and several executives asking you for the keys to the equipment and your lawyer’s name.
7 If you have a hangover, do not write any notes to anyone explaining your actions last night. If you do, at best you might feel better in confessing your sins. At worst, you will have given several people written confirmation as to why they need to avoid or punch you.
6 If you have a hangover. do not show up to teach your fifth-grade class. If you do, at best you might make it to lunch without a complaint to the principle. At worst, you will be driven to the point where the EMS crew and police will attempt to talk you down from the roof of the school where unbeknownst to your conscious self you have been screaming threats against the Congress and the President.
5 If you have a hangover, do not report to your airline pilot job. If you do, at best you might forget something minor but survive anyway. At worst, you will discover a little too late you forgot to check the fuel level and your attention is drawn to a bright blinking light on the control panel that has the words “Fuel Starvation” clearly embossed on it for your reading pleasure.
4 If you have a hangover, do not go ahead with that brain surgery you are supposed to conduct today. If you do, at best your attention will be on your own brain and will find it difficult to concentrate. At worst, you will think all is well right up to the point you close up the procedure only to discover you parts left over that you can’t explain. Unlike a bicycle kit, there are no extra parts in the brain.
3 If you have a hangover, do not go to the grocery store to do your shopping for the week. If you do, at best you will forget more items than you remember to buy. At worst, you will finally have had it with the cashier who asks you each week, “if you have found everything okay?” The fact that if you say no she will not do anything about it has you treading on the conveyor shouting for the rest of the shoppers to lay down their groceries to join the revolution. Incidentally, you don’t see the cautious community support officer in the corner calling 911.
2 If you have a hangover, do not take your car pool duty today. If you do, at best you will drop the kids and adjourn to the local bar for of some hair of the dog only leading to more trouble later. At worst, your driving will permanently imprint terror on the poor innocents in the car which they will suppress but go through life wondering why they never got a driver’s license.
1 If you have a hangover, do not think you will be as effective in your writing as you are normally. If you do, at best you might just produce a day’s work that would make great kindling for the evening fire. At worst, you may think you have a breakthrough on your writer’s block only to find you have included the words “Daddy’s Home” over two thousand times in your manuscript.