This list is inspired by being tapped by my wife to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. The fact that at one time we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.
Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper
If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.
10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before.
9 If you are asked to shop do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money.
8 If you are asked to shop do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing.
7 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment.
6 If you are asked to shop do not think, your newness will excuse you checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol.
5 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot causing a loss of the items that as reminded by store personnel is after the fact payment wise.
4 If you are asked to shop do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky.
3 If you are asked to shop do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)
2 If you are asked to shop do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)
1 If you are asked to shop no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor.