Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts

'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'

‘Stocks rise on news that there’s no other place to put your money – after interest rates hit rock bottom.’


The inspiration for this list is last week’s volatility in the price of stocks. Although I was tempted to do almost all of them I refrained and kept myself under control. Hopefully, I will keep the list handy for the next time since I have a feeling there will be many more thrill rides this year.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

10 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go near an open window. If you do, at best you will think about jumping out. At worst, you will take a jump and then realize the window is on the ground floor. (Pretty embarrassing dropping thirty-six inches)

9 When the stock market takes a dive, do not call your broker. If you do, at best they will talk you into calming down. At worst, you will be calm as you lose 20% of your 401K. (Now don’t you feel better for the call?)

8 When the stock market takes a dive, do not panic. If you do, at best you will embarrass yourself in front of co-workers and family. At worst, you will need to seek a specialist on hair replacement when the panic is over. (That bare spot on the side definitely needs attention)

7 When the stock market takes a dive, do not sell anything. If you do, at best you will feel in control but poorer. At worst, you will incur losses that will take years to replace and now you waited too long to get back in, and the prices are already too high. (I know it’s complicated)

6 When the stock market takes a dive, do not listen to the advice of the analysts. If you do, at best you will make a sudden move, and you will be already too late to save money. At worst, you will listen to the wrong analysis and do the opposite of the right thing. (After all no two analysts have the same advice)

5 When the stock market takes a dive, do not let others know how bad things look. If you do, at best you will have to deal with their concerns and advice as well as the problem of lost value. At worst, you will be compelled to make an unwarranted move to convince others you are in control. (This is true if you are the custodian of others funds)

4 When the stock market takes a dive, do not check your accounts. If you do, at best you will be tempted to make a sudden ill-advised move. At worst, you will focus on the negative reports to the point where you will need shock therapy to make a comeback. (Negative reports are not valuable in the current situation.)

3 When the stock market takes a dive, do not read the financial news. If you do, At best you will be convinced the world is coming to an end. At worst, you will need to have a cardiologist on speed dial to handle your recurring symptoms of heart failure. (Makes you want to be a trained EMS tech so you could self-administer defibrillation. You can handle those paddles yourself right?)

2 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go into the local pub. If you do, at best the problem will still be there tomorrow along with that gigantic throbbing head sharing your bed. At worst, you will get it into your mind to have it out once and for all with the stock seller person and the police intercept you before you get to where they live. (Don’t worry about the DUI. As bad, as it is it’s easier to handle than what you were thinking about doing last night.)

1 When the stock market takes a dive, do not forget why you invested in stocks in the first place. If you do, at best you neglect your long-range financial goals. At worst, you will put all your money into a box under the bed with the possibility that it will be worth much less in the future or a burglar will find it. (Not to mention you arguing with the firefighters about getting back into your burning house.)


  1. …and don’t by shares in Trump industries, just because, well, just don’t.

      1. Yeah, but I hate typos.

      2. Sort of like your own gotcha.

    1. Ha ha ha. Might be a good buy after the election.

      1. I really, really hope not.

  2. My dad kept doing #3 last week. Was driving me up the wall. It is funny how two analysts say two different things and both are somehow considered right for a while. This is why the stock market makes my head hurt.

    1. Not to mention the stomach,

      1. That guy gets queasy over everything these days. 🙂

  3. I’m with you on all 10 John, well, except for #2 because I can disassociate drinking with financial planning.

    1. A very smart thing to do.

  4. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Wise Words from John – apply them to your book sales as well 😀

    1. Thank you Chris for the reblog 🙂

      1. Welcome John 👍😃

  5. Great list, my friend! Somehow, not watching the financial news seems easiest to me. Why stress over something we can’t control, right? But yes, I suspect you’re spot on in saying this might be a bumpy ride!

    1. Hide in the closet.

  6. Love this advice, John. Have a marvelous Monday. Hugs!

    1. You too Teagan. I started Atonement, Tennessee last night. Love it.

      1. What a lovely surprise! I’m so happy that you like it. This surely can’t be a Monday… 😀
        One of my LinkedIn connections just introduced me to someone wanting a writer — not out west, but the job is working “remote,” and good pay, so well worth investigating. All on a Monday. Marvelous!
        Here’s to a terrific Tuesday tomorrow. Mega hugs!

      2. Good luck on the job. Remote is a very good state to be in.

  7. Convert all your money to Bitcoins so you can get some sleep. What could go wrong?

      1. Sometimes Americans suprise me and don’t only GET irony but ARE ironic themselves.

      2. Having spent a great deal of time with Germans I can say this is the most confusing part for Germans to understand. The nature of the composition and size of America makes situations very ironic at times and we Americans understand the irony. 🙂

      3. I was just playing on the idea that Americans don’t get the rather British kind of humour – which is irony, when it is coming from a German, because we have … a genetic humour-disorder.

      4. Good one. I fell for it.

    1. Shouldn’t you have an [/irony] at the end of your comment?

      1. My Dear Fran Hunne , diese informellen Kommentare könnten von der formalen Notation profitieren, aber in der Hektik des Kommunikations sie oft übersehen . Dies gilt vor allem von amerikanischen Autoren . Vielen, vielen Dank für den Kommentar und den Besuch. Alles Gute

  8. I only try to pay attention to one market..the place I go when I run out of cookies!

    1. That’s my strategy too. 😀

  9. Funny stuff, John! I don’t have much experience with the stock market, but #1 is pretty darn funny as I know people who do this 🙂

  10. sarafhathaway · ·

    I love this…laughed all the way through!

    1. Thank you, Sara. I could not ask for a better comment. 🙂

  11. Good advice but husband had to check our account and tell me how much we had lost. I said, “Thank you very much” and reminded him of #1.

    1. Nice, thing is it’s only lost when you sell. Good ole Number one.

  12. If the market takes a dive, and you don’t have any money in the market, just smile. … but I admit, that’s not me.

  13. You are a wise man, John… and a damn funny one!

    1. Thanks. I see you the same way. 🙂

  14. Such good, good advice, John. I’ll say what one should do when the stock market acts badly is simply go off the grid until it all settles down. My husband is always checking our investments, mainly because he’s fixing to retire soon. He laments when we lose money, but always rallies himself by looking long-term, as you suggest. We’ve had some of these accounts for over 20 years. I can’t complain about my husband, though. If it were left to me, I’d probably be keeping our money in a box under the bed 😉

    1. I finally got to the point of worry where I had to come to grips with reality. I made some accomodation and now don’t need to look to stock funds for income.I still have em but don’t need em.

      1. You got wisdom 🙂

      2. Uh does that come with age or torture.

  15. The notion that stock market must always go up or that the movement of the market is news………both drive me insane. The nature of markets is fluctuations. Down markets usually produce stronger up markets. The expectation of a continued up market is insanity.

    1. This is why you can’t depend on the market alone for future security.

  16. Great advice, John!! Kind of 6 to one and half a dozen to the other!! Have a great night!

  17. Great post and cartoon… 🙂

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