Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

~ John W. Howell

milionaire

 

This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving the billionaire day in and day out.  So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes that have been laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst the chambermaid may bring you a cup of coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the ten irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry the replacement bolts can be sent from the UK at the cost of $1000.00 each.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador.Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator that you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best the spending will increase. At worst, you will need to get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house as well as hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot high lawn)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best she will try a softer one next time. At worst you might be treated to what’s called a touch and go landing with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places at all the wrong times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen heh?)

58 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff”

  8. Nice list, John. Not that I have to worry about any of that, sniff sniff. (Just trying to find the “good” in NOT being one of the world’s billionaires!!)

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  9. Funny stuff. I’ve been trying to find a dependable housekeeper. They always tell me what a joy it is to clean my house, but don’t put me very high on their priority list. Maybe I’m saying something wrong.

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  10. We should be so lucky to have these problems! It’s much easier with my canine staff – I say anything but ‘dinner’s ready!’ and they totally ignore me the whole time… but they look pretty about the place, so no complaints really. 😉

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  12. These keep getting better by the week, John.
    I became more nervous as I read down the list. Thank you for the advice in the event I ever am rich enough to have help running my household. The truth is I’d rather not have people sneaking around and behind me all over the house. I’m a DIY person.:-D 😀 😀

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  16. I am the household staff, but I don’t have a plane, a yacht, or a Rolls. I get my own coffee, clean out the garage, ask The Hub to wash my car, and I am the chef. What did I miss? LOL, let me know what it’s like John, because it’s not going to be a problem for me in this life.

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