Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

Major League BaseballThis list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, moustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace and now may be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard aren’t they Buster?)

5 If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly.  At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a closeup view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (Seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasic procedure. If you do, at best your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

38 comments

  1. Hilarious, John. I have no comment here as I’ve never been to a game. I’ll take your word for it. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Ah. I think you can imagine what goes on. Thanks Suzanne.

  2. …And catching all 10 of those things on the jumbotron would make the price of parking and the price of the ticket well worth it. Good game, John. 😀 Have a marvelous Monday. Mega hugs!

    1. Thank you Teagan. I think the jumbotron is the reason a lot of people go in the first place. Hugs for a Monday.

  3. #11 When going to a game, don’t try to start a “Wave” by yourself. If you do, at best you’ll just get odd looks from the fans and then ignored. At worst, you’ll get jeers to sit down a few moments just before a homerun (or fowl) comes straight towards you.

    1. Nice one. And you will start to sit down just seconds too late. 😀

  4. Great I love this John. So funny. Thanks for the laugh.

    Oh and I don’t know if there’s any Disney fans out there that remember the “Angels in the Outfield” movie, but right after the “bandwagon fans” came to the games and expected everybody to start flapping their arms like an idiot. I mean Angel. Poor schmuck.

    1. Ha ha ha. I missed that movie but like your recap. Thanks Michelle.

  5. That dreaded Kiss Cam. What evil being invented that?

    1. Someone in a very dark place obviously.

  6. I’m excited for opening day. Very timely.

    1. Who do you support. The Idaho Spuds?

      1. I’ve never lived close to any major team. SLC has the Jazz, Seattle has everything. Under that environment, you support whoever you like. As a kid it was the Reds, and that lasted for about 30 years. These days I’m a Diamondbacks fan.

      2. Wow. Good for you.

  7. Ummmmm……..No, I’ve got nothing.

    1. AW. Come on. You can do it.

      1. I would try, but a game that has a “world series” which only includes one continent, doesn’t really lend itself to international involvement.

        It is a game, right?

      2. Think back when the series was named. In the 1800’s when the World was a big remote place. You could call anything anything then and get away with it.

      3. I think even back then, they knew that they’d originated elsewhere in the “world”.

      4. Hyperbole is the only answer for the term. (or maybe jingoism)

      5. Tell you what, we’ll do a deal with you; you can pretend you’re the whole world when it comes to baseball, as long as you apply that rule to your future president too.

      6. I do not support any of the candidates so that is an impossible rule.

  8. My father is guilty of #6, John. As I was hoping to get an autograph… Great list.

    1. I can imagine Dan. Thanks.

  9. Number 4 is so true, John. Great list!

    1. Thanks Jill. Have a wonderful week.

  10. Seems like no matter how good a team is doing, once I start routing for them they start loosing. The only Atlanta Braves came I saw in person was the only one they lost during the entire season when they won the World Series. I quit attending games, so I should be safe, and so will they.

    1. Nothing like a Jonah in the baseball park. Maybe you could get a retainer from the team not to attend.

  11. A long-ago boss gave me two tickets to a long-ago game, and I’ve never been back. Or wanted to. Far too much rowdiness and cursing, far too many drunks. Domer’s dad (before Domer, of course) couldn’t whisk me outta there fast enough, heehee!!

    1. I’m with you. One time I had a meeting with an ad agency in New York and I was sitting eating peanuts with their President and he asked if I was enjoying myself. Here I was in a suit and tie with peanut crumbs on my lap. “No,” I answered. He admitted the only reason we were at the game was some of my direct reports told his team I loved baseball. He and I left and went to Smith and Wollenskis for a martini.

  12. Hilarious, John. Each year the Cincinnati Reds opening day get bigger and bigger with more festivities than you can imagine.

    1. I’ll bet. Great tradition.

    2. Took my wife to her first Opening Day Parade in the city yesterday. A bit of a chilly northern breeze that turned to damn cold before by late afternoon. The parade is a mega-version of a cheesy small town parade —- trucks with horns and sirens, horses, civic organizations, youth groups, marching bands, trucks hauling people, politicians, local personalities from TV and radio stations, then rinse and repeat. … and a great tradition indeed.

      Meanwhile, love the list and a great tribute to the start of the season.

      1. Thanks Frank. Glad you both could attend.

  13. I was once on the big screen at an MLB game. It was awesome! Not the kiss cam, thank goodness.

    1. No (verdant) spinach in your teeth I hope.

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