Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Organic Supermarket

Organic Food Store

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate.(Had to wonder what that walk on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carryout person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)

34 comments

  1. I have actually seen #9, #7, and #2 in action at the regular supermarket. At least the allergy checking makes sense. In regards to the grass-fed pigs of #8, I heard something worse a while back. Asking about grass-fed salmon. That poor fish department worker.

    1. Ha ha ha. What a riot. Thanks, Charles.

  2. I loved the WWF champ running for the carrot juice and the grass-fed pigs. I’ve found anything “special” means big money. It might be better to have a small greenhouse built and grow your own. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I agree, Suzanne. 🙂

  3. I knew this was going to be hilarious when I read the title, John. Hilarious! Do you really travel 360 miles RT?

    1. Yup. I time the visit to one of my doctors.

  4. In the case of #8, I think organic pork might have to do with organs.

    1. Eek. Thanks. (I think)

  5. ROFLMAO – thanks for getting my week off to a good start John! 😀

    1. My pleasure , Jan. Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed it. 🙂

  6. I wonder if an “adult supplies store” store could be called an “orgasmic supermarket”.

    1. I think it could be called an orgasmarket.

  7. This was funny, John, but it hits a little too close to home. I avoid these places. I annoy people when I point out that things like salt are minerals and it’s hard to have organic minerals. Then we get into the fact that they co-opted a word I wish they hadn’t and they suggest that I continue my shopping at the Kwickie-Mart. I would add, perhaps #11 – Don’t ask them where they keep the Slim Jims 🙂

    Have a great week.

    1. Bwahahaha…. Slim Jims…. 😀

      1. Dan is a stitch. 😀

    2. Love this. I should have thought of it. Check Teagan’s comment.

      1. You guys are the best.

  8. Oh groan… I had a culinary sense of adventure before I became allergic to eggs. Now I’m probably blocking the lane as I squint over #3 size font on the ingredient labels — and of course, my favorite — white text on a clear package.
    Loved the WWF champ sprinting to the carrot juice, John. I can’t stop giggling about that one. Happy new week. I hope your ultra commute was uneventful. Mega hugs.

    1. Thanks Teagan. Yup the drive went off without a hitch.

  9. Yeah. The prices are what gets me. I spent $530. at one just the other day. Of course that did include six bottles of my favorite wine. And all grass fed beef, incl. tenderloin.

    1. OOOOO well worth it.

  10. Funny to say the least! Thanks for the Monday morning chuckle.

    1. Thanks, Jan. 🙂

  11. Gluten-free bottled water. Brilliant! Where can I invest?

    1. Send me the money and I will do it for you. 🙂

  12. #10 is the worst offender to me!

    1. I would say so. Thanks Jo.

  13. Whoa, too rich for my blood, John! And I can’t imagine liking anything (except Domer, of course!) enough to travel 360 miles round trip to see it. Great list, though, and ’tis always interesting to see how the other half lives!

    1. Gotta taste the wine. Thanks Debbie.

  14. If I drank coffee in the morning, John, #4 would have sent it all over my a screen…

    1. We have saved a screen this am. The day is good.:-)

  15. “Do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill.” That cracked me up! Great post John, and a great blog too!

    1. Thank you Daniel. Nice to have you visit. 🙂

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