Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town


Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was a traveling spouse two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit, nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best there will be minor damage which can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never drinks decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not decide to make up and work on your own to do list. If you do, at best you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well you now have a big problem since you know all the things need to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not even think of not doing dishes. If you don’t do them, at best the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (Could have saved yourself on this one Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red. So now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around communication change could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there did you.)

5 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under  “C” and not “P” no matter how many time you explain it to Tiny who as WWF world wrestling Champ should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system that will require increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill isn’t it Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show which your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” that will be two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)


  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    So hilarious, John. This posting is one we all can tribute to….stories abound. Thanks for the morning laughter. 🙂

    1. Thank you for the visit, Gwen. 😀

  2. Yup. Paper plates are a Godsend.

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Craig.

      1. I speak from experience.

  3. Excellent advice. Also, never watch stuff on the DVR. Especially if you have a habit of deleting automatically. That missing NCIS episode can get you hurt. 😀

    1. Truth well told. Been there have the lump. 😀

      1. One lump or two. 😀

      2. One this time. 🙂

  4. Despite the risk of sending someone shrieking, running from the room (which actually has happened), I highly recommend paper plates regarding #8. (Martha Stewart has no competition here). Have a marvelous Monday, John. Mega hugs!

    1. Good idea, Teagan. Magnificent Monday to you. 🙂

  5. LOL! Great list, John. Fess up, did you do number six?

    1. Not me. It could be the other way around though. Thank, Jill. 🙂

  6. Great one, John. And that’s from someone who has made a few mistakes like this. Not saying who.

    1. Could his initials be Dan Antion? 🙂

      1. I’m not saying…

  7. I don’t know many people who would correct Tiny about the spices. I’d let him be if it was my choice. Funny post, John. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Thanks Suzanne. 😀

  8. I love these lists, John! I’m glad to hear you weren’t speaking from experience!

    1. Yes. Can you say innocent? 🙂

  9. I’m always worried my hubby will deprogram the remote again – wouldn’t be the first time.

  10. Hahaha! I always bring Greg a T-shirt….lol….but he wears them. Doing the dishes reminded me of a story. Once, my son buried the pots and pans in the back yard rather than go through the trouble of washing them….damn kids. I started to cook and couldn’t find a pot…then saw the mound of dirt in the back yard…it was his chore to wash pots and pans. I dug them up and made him scrub them…dirt, grease, and all.

    1. Funny story, Thanks, Susan 😀

  11. Number 4 is my favorite, John … and it’s sooo true, especially with pets! Number 6 is another good one. Who wants to come home to strange surroundings??!

    1. So true Debbie. Thanks for the visit. 🙂

  12. I disagree with #4…it becomes a game of just keeping everyone alive. Smiles. Loved the list. I hope your wife enjoyed her visit!

    1. She did. Austin restaurants and daughter. Nothing better.

      1. Ahh, food trucks are so fun in Austin. 🙂

      2. True. Their are some good ones.

  13. I totally see every single one of these happening. 😀 😀 😀

  14. Funnily enough, I’ve received a number of those types of t-shirts over the years from various people and different locations. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a single one of them.

    1. Still good to polish cars though. Thanks, Bun. 🙂

      1. Yep, they still have their uses. 😀

  15. Gotta love the green hair! Rearranging furniture would take too much work, best to ignore! 😊😉

    1. Yes it would. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

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