Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Beach in Freezing Weather

~ John W. Howell

Cold temps

 

The inspiration for this list is two-fold. One, we have had two nights of sub-freezing temperatures with daytime highs in the 30’s. Two, we have some people from up North who visit each winter. They are called “Winter Texans” and continually provide examples of what not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not insist on wearing shorts and flip-flops. If you do, at best folks will think you are nuts. At worst, your blue knees and feet will frighten small children. (I know it’s 40 below in Minot. That is about the same temperature as 29 on the beach.)

9 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think a beach fire will offset the cold. If you do, at best one side of you will be thawed. At worst, those winds will whip embers into the bed of your pickup to meet up with that gas can you keep there. (You don’t even have a boat so what’s up with the gas can Dudley?)

8 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think the sixty-degree water will warm you if you go in. If you do, at best you’ll get the surprise of your life. At worst, you will need to call 911 and have the EMS crew standing by with thermal blankets. (Also the institution will be nice and cozy while you are under psychological observation, right Buford?)

7 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to salvage your vacation. If you do, at best all the games and beach toys will be useful someday. At worst, your family will not speak to you for a month. (It only took three hours to get their body temperatures back to normal, Idiot.)

6 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that tent is going to keep you warm. If you do, at best you’ll find a nice motel room after two hours. At worst, the thirty miles per hour wind will relocate your tent to the next county. (Hard to sleep with no shelter huh Bunky?)

5 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that water in your camper tank will not freeze. If you do, at best you’ll need to wait for a drink. At worst, your tank which was a one piece is now two. (Amazing about that wind chill isn’t it, Camper Dan)

4 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to interest everyone in smores. If you do, at best the attractiveness of frozen smores is at best marginal. At worst your youngest got his tongue stuck on the metal marshmallow roasting fork. (The fire department wasn’t amused and the CPS officer wants to ask you some question about child abuse. Ferd)

3 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to cut the line at the packed coffee-house. If you do at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, the guy you cut ahead of is Tiny the WWF champ who just left his anger management class after receiving an F on his final exam. (Looks like you might need some help, Buster)

2 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not rent a golf cart thinking it a good way to stay warm while on the beach. If you do, at best you’ll wish you had heavier coats. At worst, you will try to return the cart only to find the fee is nonrefundable. (Looks like you spent about a hundred dollars an hour for something you should not have rented in the first place.)

1 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, resist the temptation to cruise the beach in your big ‘ole dually pickup truck. At best, you will not see anything. At worst, you will spew enough diesel smoke to take out a pack of seagulls. (Why not just stay in your travel trailer and wait until tomorrow when it will be eighty degrees)

54 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Beach in Freezing Weather”

  2. Hilarious as always! Loved Tiny the WWF wrestler. It’s funny how so many southerners are writing about the cold weather this week. My Saturday post is going to be about this topic too. Ironically when my Saturday post goes live, I’ll be in Florida.

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  3. Why didn’t you tell me this before our Christmas holiday at a beach resord? Number five was a bit close to home – the toilet in our motorhome wouldn’t flush one morning – the pipe that feeds it is the only part of the water system that’s outside the living area!

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  5. I have never considered going to the beach when it’s cold. Members of my family have and told me to stop saying it’s a bad idea though. I do remember one friend swearing by a late autumn bonfire to keep them warm. They came back with a really bad cold.

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  7. Another great list, John. I referenced Tiny in my post today, so I’m glad he made an appearance. But, ‘Camper Dan???’ Hmmm. I was a pretty good camper, when I was in my 20s, and the weather wasn’t. It was 2°f when I left for work today.

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  8. I love the ocean during the winter months, as long as the winds aren’t howling. Great list, John! How did you get my photo and my thoughts in that meme? It was ten degrees when I trekked to my office building this morning…brrr!

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  12. In Orlando on Saturday, the temp dropped all day to low 50s (along with wind and intermittent rain), but there were still people who continued to wear shorts, flip flops, and tank tops. Guess they fit in with the folks from #10.

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  13. Haha! Never underestimate the wind-chill factor of those ‘light sea breezes’… Or the responsiveness of those waves going from dead calm to plus 6 foot in about 5 minutes! 😉

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  14. NOT going to the beach today…that’s for certain. But the temps are supposed to be back in the eighties later this week.

    Thanks for the laughs, John. I’ve seen a lot of blue knees this past weekend, and toes. People are nuts.

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  15. Why is it that 40 degrees in the south feels sooo much colder than 40 degrees in Illinois?? I’ve experienced both, you know, so I can testify to it. Loved your 10 things today, John. You’ve definitely got some of these snowbirds pegged!!

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  19. You’re right, as always. Tents are useless in the cold weather, i think they’re manufactured by doctors, which was always my next stop after pitching tent in the freezing cold. And yeah . . do not mess with Tiny’s coffee, that never, ever ends well.

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