Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting

~ John W. Howell

Wine Tasting

 

The inspiration for this list is attendance at some wine tasting events in my time. My wife worked as a marketing person for a winery in Northern California and was required to taste wine every week. Of course, she was a professional and would take delight in witnessing some of the events listed. Since I was well schooled by her, I never made these faux pas. (I would have died on the spot if I had.) I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not insist on special glasses to claim to have a full tasting experience. If you do, at best the rest of the gathering will take you for an idiot. At worst, the host will produce special glasses, and then you will be on the spot to render an erudite opinion. (Up to tonight your experience has been Boon’s Farm Apple Red right, Buford?)

9 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not throw back the wine as if it is a shot of tequila. If you do, at best your drink preference and sophistication will show through. At worst, you will find yourself all alone as the discussion turns to the merits of the wine. (No one cares what you think about wine and probably think your chewing tobacco will get in the way of an honest opinion anyway, Tex.)

8 If you are attending a wine tasting, don’t forget the crackers are to cleanse the palette, not a meal. If you do, at best the host will move them away from you. At worst, you might be subtly offered a place in the kitchen where the host promises a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack of Keystone Light. (You think that offer might be not so bad until you see the look on your spouse’s face huh, Bunky?)

7 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not start describing the various flavors of the wine unless you know what you are talking about. If you do, at best you will get polite nods at your incredible ignorance. At worst someone will ask the host to send you to the store for more crackers. (You will find out coal oil is not a legitimate taste on the flavor wheel, Buster.)

6 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not try to sneak Two- Buck Chuck in a brown bag into the line-up.If you do, at best the host security system video will show your placement of the bottle. At worst, one of the wine snobs will involuntarily spew the wine on Tiny the WWF champ.(Right now Tiny is going from guest to guest demanding to know who brought the wine. You have always been a bad liar, and your turn is next right, Weenie?)

5 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not forget you are not supposed to swallow the wine. If you do, at best you will need a ride home. At worst, you will decide to inform all the guests just what you think of each personally identifying what you consider a flaw in their personality needing correction. (The next morning is going to be a beauty especially when you learn what you called your boss.)

4 If you are attending a wine tasting, it is best not to wear a white shirt. If you forget, at best you are very careful and escape embarrassment. At worst, someone asks a question and surprises you just as you raise the glass to your lips. (Maybe that shirt will make a nice car wax rag or a tie-dye coverup.)

3 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not over swirl your wine. If you do at best, your glass will be big enough to keep the wine under control. At worst, your red wine swirl will go outside the glass, and land on the white linen couch which the host just explained was made to order and arrived this afternoon. (Make no mistake you are now the proud owner of a stained couch, Cowboy.)

2 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not ask for ice for your wine. If you do, at best your host will take your wine. At worst your host will ask you to go to the convenience store to pick up a twenty-pound bag. (It is hoped that the tasting is over before you can return, Slick.)

1 If you are attending a wine tasting, try not to argue with experts about the quality of a particular wine. If you do, at best even if you are right you will look particularly brutish. At worst, one of the experts just got his graduation certificate from the anger management course mandated by the courts after being arrested for assaulting a wine steward at a restaurant for disagreeing with him on wine quality. (Looks like a knuckle sandwich is on the menu, Pal.)

76 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting”

    1. Tiny is a reoccurring character and represents the potential violence that could occur if one of the top ten items was not followed. He is also someone who seems to generate a smile at the mention of his name. In addition to his WWF championship belt he carries a number of psychological burdens.Any one of these could be a trigger for mayhem. (Aren’t you glad you asked.) The merlot shirt is a great idea. Thanks, Phil.

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  2. LOL… I’m still chuckling about the fact that you managed to include Tiny. Monday wouldn’t be as marvelous without him. (I’ve never been to a wine tasting. I should print your list and keep it in my wallet just in case.) 😉
    Have a marvelous Malbec Monday. Mega hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Stupid me… I took the car for a short drive — and no parking place when I got back. So I’ll be spending MLK day going in and out, watching for a spot to open… Darn… all I have is white wine. That will do. 😉

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  6. Fortunately, I am mostly a beer guy, John. I am unlikely to run int Tiny (under these circumstances). I have been to a wine tasting. I behaved well but I contained my comments to “ooh, this is very nice” and “you have a lovely home.” Our local package store has wine tastings on Friday nights, since he also sells a lot of single cans of beer and nips, I can only imagine that Buford, Tex and Bunky are regulars.

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  8. @ Charles – depends on how many wines you’re tasting! 😉 If there’s only three or four and cheese around (to go with the crackers 😛 ) then you’re fairly safe to partake of the liquid vittles.
    I prefer those affairs to ‘just’ tasting. You’re quite right – it’s a horrible waste of wine and your time… 😀

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  12. I’ve never drank much wine. I told my brother wine made me feel like my head was floating and he said I was supposed to feel like that. I think it’s best to stay a distance from Tiny. There always seems to be someone who angers him. You could be collateral damage. Funny post, John. 😀 — Suzane

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  13. Great suggestions, John! I’m not much of a wine drinker, but I can see where your tips would be good for this sort of event. Love #9 and imagine your dear wife has seen one or two examples of “Tex” in her work, right?!

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  20. I’ve been to about a half-dozen wine tastings over twenty years. No one mentioned number five. Had I known, I might–MIGHT–have brought my own ‘spittoon’. o_O I live in wine country–the amazing Niagara-on-the-lake: prize wines, wines I cannot afford, the place ice wine was born…
    http://winecountryontario.ca/niagara-on-the-lake
    So many wineries, so little time. Wait, that sounds like something a whining book lover might gasp… 😀 😀

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  22. There are just too many rules at wine tastings, it irks me.

    I admit, I didn’t expect Tiny to show up at a wine tasting party. Not that he can’t show up wherever he damn well pleases though. 🙂

    A toast to you Sheriff.

    PS- Hold the ice, but double up on the fried chicken, will ya?

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  27. I just don’t like the taste of wine, I can just about handle a glass of prosecco which most wine drinkers I know say tastes like fizzy pop. My friends love inviting me to tastings they get double helpings.

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