Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping

~ John W. Howell

Bungee jumping

 

The inspiration for this list was the desire to do a top ten post that would provide no useful information but just humor. I picked bungee jumping since I’m sure most of you have never contemplated doing something that obscure. If you have then all the better. The point is I hope you enjoy the list even though it may not apply to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping.

10 While Bungee jumping, do not attempt to light your smoke. If you do, at best you’ll still be trying at the bottom of the jump. At worst, you ‘ll be successful, and between the highs and lows of the jump, your shirt is now on fire. (Tough to put out with this wind huh, Bunky?)

9 While Bungee Jumping, do not attempt to tighten your ankle cuffs. If you do at best, you will turn the keys the proper way for tightening. At worst, you’ll be confused loosen them instead. (Sure feels funny this free flight thing huh, Pilgrim?)

8 While Bungee jumping, do not try to impress your friends with too many acrobatics. If you do, at best that Triple Lux with come off without a hitch. At worst you have extended the Bungee’s about one foot too far. (Could have used that foot when you hit the canyon floor huh, Buford?)

7 While Bungee jumping, do not try to eat your leftover Pad Thai mid-air. If you do, at best you might get a bite or two. At worst, you’ll finish the jump looking like the after photo of a food fight. (If you are careful you can save some of those noodles, Buster.)

6 While Bungee jumping, do not group text your friends. If you do, At best your text won’t be understood. At worst, the auto correct feature will alienate every friend you have. (You thought the message, “Best of Luck to You,” would be well received huh, Leroy?”)

5 While Bungee jumping, do not edit your latest manuscript. If you do, at best you get one or two words covered before the first bounce. At worst, the wind will take your manuscript and spread it over several miles. (Should have numbered those pages huh, Slick?)

4 While Bungee jumping, do not close your eyes on the way down. If you do, at best you might miss the good parts. At worst, the ride personnel will assume you’ve passed out and will throw you into an EMS vehicle despite your protestations. (Who ever heard of someone taking a nap on a bungee jump, Ferd?)

3 While Bungee jumping, do not jump before taking care of that 32 oz Big Gulp drink you just finished. If you do, at best you’ll feel like a full watermelon when the g-forces hit you at the bottom. At worst, you treat all the bystanders to a show at your expense. (Now where are you going to find some dry pants, Tex?)

2 While Bungee jumping, do not turn the GoPro camera to capture your face. If you do, at best you forgot to turn it on. At worst, the video of you screaming like a kid will go viral. (You could have taken some beautiful shots of the valley, but no you had to be a hero, huh Ralph?)

1 While Bungee jumping, do not forget to tip the cuff connector guy. If you do, at best you can take care of it after the jump is over. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ was highly offended you forgot him. (That ground comes up fast without those bothersome lines huh, Burt?)

62 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping”

  1. OMG… I don’t know how you think these things up! #10 left me in tears…good grief! LOL
    The photo is amazing – dance in mid-air. 🙂

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  5. I am hoping you didn’t figure these things out through trial and error? 😉 Great, fun post, John!! Cayman sent me over here to check out your blog. (I hosted a small party at my place last week, because the weather was so nice and I wanted to check out some new blogs!) Have a writerly day!

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  7. Picturing the Pad Thai. Maybe a sandwich would have been better. The #1 tip is a good one. It’s also the reason I always tip the guy at the curbside check-in with the airlines. I do appreciate his being out there in the early morning cold, AND I would like my luggage to be on the same place as me.

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  10. Well – I bungee jumped. It’s been many years ago, but I assure you, I didn’t do any of the things listed above, although #1 probably isn’t a bad idea to consider.

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  12. Heh heh… I’m still chuckling about “Pilgrim” for some reason… the name tickled my funny bone. You killed me with #3. And I’m delighted Tiny made it to the bungee fest! Wouldn’t want him to feel left out.
    John, I think you’ve given us a huge, bouncy, lovely dose of whimsy this morning, and I thank you. Flying pigs are nothing compared to this. Mega hugs.

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  14. Good morning, John,
    When I read #6, “do not group text”, I also thought of “do not have group sex”. 😉
    Have a wonderful day,
    Pit

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  15. My favorites were #3 and #2. Especially #2. Can you imagine that face, LOL.
    I can honestly say that bungee jumping is something I’ve never contemplated or intend to, but should lunacy strike…well, I’ll have your list 🙂

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  19. Although I have been skydiving, I have no desire to bungee jump! My son & daughter-in-law went when they were in Whistler a few years ago. They loved it but I am still not convinced! Hilarious list John.

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  23. Wait a minute. Wait one gosh durn minute! No smoking whilst bungee jumping? It’s only a month into Trump’s America! He couldn’t have passed a bill outlawing such a thing that quickly!

    And Tiny takes the top spot! Officially, at that. Like . . . Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway didn’t announce it. Because you know how THAT works out.

    Nicely done, Sheriff.

    And MUCH good luck, peace and love and more good luck manana. I’ll be catching up on my purchases and I look forward to delving into your mad talents.

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